Archive for February, 2012

New Toyota Coitus Sets Racy Standard for Eco-Sexy Vehicles

A Thousand Pardons Honorable Reader

Toyota Motors Corporation, makers of the landmark Prius, has unveiled game changing technology with the rollout of their triumphant new model, the Toyota Coitus. In a press release today Toyota confirmed what had long been whispered – that engineers had outfitted stock hybrid Prius models with Regenerative Vaginas® transforming them from plain Jane eco-drudges to sleek, high-performance runway models. The Regenerative Vagina works similarly to the regenerative brakes on the Prius, but ‘vive la différence. How does it work? Well, simply put, these eco-friendly regenerative dynamos miraculously harness the electrical power of each outbound stroke and feed the juice right back into her power grid. Simply amazing – you “drive it home” and the synergies you share with your Coitus actually creates more energy than it uses. You’ll bond instantly with this model. And because it’s equipped with a Catalytic Contraceptive Converter, the only thing to come out of the tailpipe is just a little appreciation. The engine employs decidedly primitive, but historically popular 2 stroke technology inspired by the same classic maneuver practiced by Adam & Eve long before the dawn of assembly lines.

 

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Trѐs Anglais

Three Sutcliffe boys (Gordon, Jon and Peter). Bongo had tonsilitis.

The Sutcliffes were a closely knit English family of homebodies. War bride Astrid was a stay at home mom. Her husband Stuart telecommuted to work and the children were all home schooled. One of the children even stayed in his room and telecommuted to home school. Every summer they’d take a 2 week staycation right there in the house. When they dined out it was always drive-thru so they could all eat together in their ’55 Vauxhall Velox.

The Sutcliffes were a tightly woven group consisting of two heterosexual parents and four very talented lads (Jon, Bongo, Peter and Gordon). Although living in a 900 square foot council house in Sussex they never suffered from cabin fever nor tired of each other’s company. The two younger boys, Peter and Gordon, lived in the basement or Cavern as they called it. And things went along swimmingly until they took in an Asian exchange student named Yuki who appealed to the avant garde Jon. Thus were the seeds of the family’s dissolution sown. Despite two more years of chart success the family broke apart and each of the sons launched solo careers.

Bongo went on to do great things; if you consider creating an adult board game called “Shoots-n-Cleavage” a public good. The game left most couples well bonded but a little messy.

Gordon went to Oklahoma looking for enlightenment but found only Enid. He thought the capitol an OK City.

The sweetly disposed Peter became a vegetarian though from time to time he would nibble on his wife’s ear.

The darkly utopian Jon and Yuki opened a string of rope shops and soon tied the knot. For a time they were the most fascinating couple in the world.

Just another old yarn about the unraveling of a closely knit family. They never reunited rendering their legacy all the more poignant.

Alimentary My Dear

The Pompous Ass

Executive Chef – Benito Agita                                        ~ MENU ~                                                       Sous Chef – Sue Scheff

12th of Never, 2044

Starters

Young Radishes, Baby Lettuces, Whatever the Hell those Little Tiny Corn on the Cobs are Called

Large Small Mouth Bass, Jumbo Shrimp, Elongated Short Ribs 

Fanny Crack Bread served with Irma’s sun-dried tap water

Botox Compote: Crow’s Feet, Hopkins’ Farm Goiter, Skywalker Ranch Gooseflesh

Non sequitir Farrago: Bandaged cheddar, Pictures of Jeff Goldblum’s Root Cellar, Extremist Homosexual Pine Nuts, Saline Infused Brine, Sea Salt, Blue Salt, Green Salt – a tremendous amount of salt all served on an Embarrassment of Doilies

Zuppa del Giorno

What is Zuppa del Giorno? Why it’s the soup of the day.

1. Cornstarch Chowder      2. Cream of Salt      3. Broccoli and Cheddar w/o Broccoli: Featuring Pixar Imitation Broccoli Flecks

We also serve our signature Diluted Split Pea Soup – what it lacks in Pea-ness it makes up for in generosity

First Plate

Locovore’s Dilemma: Norwegian Salmon, Chilean Sea Bass, Martian Halibut

Good ole Paula Dean’s Down Home Southern Coronary with Pork Rinds and Nancy’s Defibrillators 

Gherkins Galore – Jerked Gherkins, Lammykins Gherkins, Next of Kin Gherkins, Greg Kinnear’s Gherkins and Kurt Jurgens Gherkins

Secondi 

My Angry Stepmother’s Turkey. Served with Damaged Potatoes and “You Stupid Bitch You Ruined My Life” Gravy

“I’ll have what she’s having” Oysters on the Rocks (if you prefer it sans rocks a server will help you get your rocks off)

Silverfish Risotto: Classic New York Public Library Philosophy Stack Silverfish, India Ink, Condoleeza Rice, gherkins  

Dessert

Livermore Labs locally enriched, sustainable plutonium, Wilma’s Candied Graphite, Centrifuged Raspberries. With a leaden codpiece.

Real Expensive Cheese, Obscenely Priced Toast Points, Gouged Patron, gherkins

Crayola Fondue: 8 Colorful Melted Crayons served with Lead Paint Dippin’ Chips, Bendy Celery and Musty Attic Lint

I’ve Always Resented My Mother Blueberry Pancakes, Lotta Rage Maple Syrup, and Confectioner’s Buckshot

Dining Notes: A 400% Gratuity is assessed any table that mispronounces a menu item. All menu items are dynamically priced. There is no corkage fee, however if you bring a blanket, there’s a cover charge. Despite our haughty cuisine this is a tough place – the hat check girl’s name is Bruno.  Allergy Alert: All food prepared on equipment used in the manufacture of Crystal Meth. Please be advised the entrance to the Pompous Ass is through the rear.

Tonight Featuring the Music of Barbara Mandrell and the Nashville Showstoppers

 

Calvin Posterity: A Man of Letters

Calvin Posterity was often jaled for being a habitual public nuisance. Although well into his 30’s, he practiced brilliant adolescent mischief: In the middle of the night he’d park his 1978 Subaru Brat near a remote photo enforced intersection, take out his two-wheeled scooter, put on his helmet, take off his clothes and repeatedly glide through the intersection buck naked against the red light. He sometimes tripped the photo flash upwards of 30 times. Of course in the morning the city’s director of traffic violations would be swamped with naked pictures of a very Caucasian Calvin scooting through the intersection wearing only a dangling participle where usually a hood ornament was located. After being identified in a below the waist line up by his urologist, Calvin admitted to the prank stating, “I only did it for the exposure.” A mind capable of such life affirming disobedience on the asphalt was also unmatched in generating joyous chaos on parchment. In his letters he produced brilliant mischief once again with the aid of the more traditionl dangling participle. As in; After a thorough whipping, the chef folded the eggs into the batter. Calvin’s probation officer supervises his court imposed community service which is to reprint the many zany, kooky and otherwise incoherent letters written for posterity by Posterity.

 

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This Day in Future History

On November 8th, 2032 another bush is elected President. This time it’s Chelsea Clinton. 

The 2041 Lincoln Assassinator voted “Car of the Year” by the National Towing Association

Pope’s wife doesn’t have rhythm. Must find new method.

Font problems doom Micronesia

Haiku!  Gesundheit.

Writers of Frequently Asked Questions are educated at FAQ U.

Fan catches baseball in stands. Foul play suspected.

Sue Nami catches huge wave with chicken. Fowl play suspected.

Dan Quayle gobbles turkey burger. Fowl play Wottles away.

Queen Elizabeth lands part of mother in “Psycho V.”

Answer: Gesundheit.       Question: At what altitude do Gesunds fly at?

Mitt Romney’s corpse exhumed. Coroner says he’s still “handsome as hell.”

Stream of consciousness babbles like a brook and is beginning to creek.

Handyman’s last words: “I told you already. The circuit breaker is turned off.” 

We must exercise our Free Will. We have no choice.

Fidel Castro to US: “Guerra! Guerra!! Guerra!!!” US to Castro: “You guys have like no cooking oil.”

God confides to rodents: “Humans seem to be missing the point entirely.” (I got this information from my mole.)

James Brown Say What?

 

Ebony & Ivory
President Nixon and James Brown shake hands resulting in hell freezing over for 2 days. Collateral Damage: Millions lost in bar bets.

You just have to reexamine things every so often. For example, I still find it impossible to believe that in the Presidential election of 1972 between Republican Richard Nixon and Democrat George McGovern; James Brown, The Godfather of Soul, supported Tricky Dick Nixon. WTF (What Terrible Folly)? How did this happen? Supporting Nixon  meant that James Brown, The Hardest Working Man in Show Bidniss, must have decided between the relatively hip McGovern and the positively embalmed Nixon and somehow concluded, “Nixon my boy.” We’re talking about Richard Nixon here – a man who was born wearing a blue suit. And despite all this, Soul Brother #1 thought it righteous to endorse him. Nixon – the closest he ever came to dancing was when he swayed imperceptibly to Kate Smith singing “God Bless America.” Nixon – the whitest working man in show business. I don’t get it. It was a shrewd move on Nixon’s part though. In the same way Astaire gave Rogers class and Rogers gave Astaire sex appeal. Brown gave Nixon soul while Nixon gave Brown spastic colon.

When the endorsement was announced, Chief of Staff HR Haldeman hastily arranged a White House photo op (it may have been leisurely arranged, but “hastily arranged” reads so much better). When The Minister of the New New Super Heavy Funk and his posse arrived unannounced 1 hour early, they were immediately surrounded by Secret Service agents and enough water cannon to blast them all back to Funkytown. Once things got sorted out they were escorted into the Oval Office where Mr. Dynamite remarked, “Shee-it Milhous, you got yourself one bad ass crib here.” Haldeman then translated this jive to his boss who responded, “Thank you Mr. James Brown. However Tricia hasn’t used a crib in more than 20 years.”

Whatever his motivation was, Mr. Brown decided to assist the campaign by filming a TV spot encouraging people (one assumes black people) to vote Nixon:

JB: Owww! Jump back kiss myself. Hey y’all, Mr. Please, Please, Please here and I’m telling you something. Nixon the one. Oh yeah! It’s true his hair more kinky than mine and he got no soul like Caspar, but he still my guy. He can “get down” when Kate Smith singing. He can walk into a dark room, take off his shirt and boom, the room lights up. Just like that. Now get up offa that thing, and vote. I’m James Brown  Owww! and I approved this message.