Archive for August, 2013

Diarya

"Mom, I'm home. Mom. Mom!" “Mom, I’m home. Mom. Mom!”

It’s not easy coaxing a demented fictional character to write a humorous piece based on a personal experience, but with the help of Dr. Brown’s Flux Capacitor (on loan from Back to the Future) I brought the whole project together with minimum time warping and maximum hilarity. Although Mr. Bates is nutso to the core, he’s kinda entertaining when he puts pen to paper. No one was hurt in the making of Diarya and the only casualty was melancholy. So without further ado I present to you with limited run on sentences:

Diarya – A remembrance by Norman Bates of Psycho fame.

Trust me. This is some good sh*t. Read the rest of this entry »

An Actual Anecdote

 

Zen and the Art of Cramification Zen and the Art of Cramification

I’d purchased a roundtrip ticket from SFO to JFK so I could watch my beloved Syracuse Orangemen (now known simply as the “Orange” owing to years of gender bias) take on the Penn State Nittany Lions at MetLife Stadium (known simply as “MetLife Stadium” owing to the millions they paid to name it). It was the opening game of the college football season and I was very excited to fire those neurons in the same area of the brain affected by cocaine. This is why football is so popular. It is a safe and legal drug – at least to watch anyway. Now, being 6’4″ and possessing a femur the length of a pool cue, I thought my airborne experience might be more comfortable if I upgraded to Economy Plus seating, where those few extra inches of leg room were stingily doled out like the gruel at a Dickensian orphanage. Read the rest of this entry »

Professor Steals God’s Identity. Claims, “Takes one to know one.”

Who's creating whom? Who’s creating whom?

Identity theft, long thought to have victimized only earthlings with good credit scores, has smote our dear Lord. The Lord tweeted to his followers (which is everyone, except atheists) that he regrets any inconvenience to his children, but that he’s not responsible for the karmic debts rung up by his impostor. The credit firm Equifax immediately downgraded the Lord’s credit rating to Cash Only stating, “We recognize that our Creator is probably too big to fail, however, until his true identity is sorted out, it would be advisable for anyone doing business with the Almighty to do so on a Cash Only basis because right now, we don’t know him from Adam. His credit rating will be restored when Chuck Norris OKs it. Our exasperated Lord was heard muttering, “I may be able to move Heaven and Earth, but try getting your credit score upgraded – that takes an act of Norris.” Read the rest of this entry »