Archive for November, 2016

Top 14 Requests for Financial Relief from Witty Homeless People

  1. Philosopher/vagrant sign says it all. Philosopher/vagrant sign says it all.

    Have worked for food. Now I’m hungry again.

  2. It’s Obama’s Trump’s fault.
  3. Your place or mine? I’m thinking yours.
  4. If you can read this you’re too close. 
  5. I’m the precipitate from trickle-down economics.
  6. Down to 2 teeth-whitening strips. Anything would help?
  7. Blew my MacArthur Genius Grant award money on whores and crack. Please help.
  8. You should see the other guy.
  9. I’m an optimist whose glass is 1/8th How about some help with the other 7/8ths?
  10. Mistakes were made.
  11. I used to fit into most overhead compartments. Now look at me.
  12. Think of me as a tax deductible charity who doesn’t pester you with direct mail.
  13. My inner dialogue is not free. Pay up.
  14. Well I’m out of quips…and money.

Astronomers Now Believe There Are 2 Trillion Galaxies – 10 Times the Previous Estimate

(A husband overheard speaking to his wife Grace) Wow. Will you look at that. It's just Amazing Grace. I mean amazing, Grace. (A husband overheard speaking to his wife Grace) Wow. Will you look at that. It’s just Amazing Grace. I mean amazing, Grace.

Thanks Ass-tronomers – could you make a guy feel any more insignificant? Just when I was getting comfortable with my place in the 200 billion galaxy cosmos, suddenly it’s 10 times larger thereby making me 10 times smaller. Although we live in an expanding universe, I prefer the tidiness of a static universe. A reliable place with a finite number of galaxies operating with exacting Newtonian mechanics. A place where video solitaire can tranquilize an entire nation and live streaming can mean different things; depending on if you’re watching Netflix or recently drank 2 cups of coffee. 

We are born purposely unaware of the universe’s enormity. That’s just the way it is. And it is that way so we’re better able to focus on the tasks at hand. For example, one time I had to return a substandard chicken pot pie I’d purchased at Costco. They have a very generous return policy – too generous. In fact I had already eaten it and I returned it in its digested form – and they still took it back. And if you think that’s bad, the lady in front of me returned a 7-layer guacamole dip – also eaten. The Costco Scatological Return Specialist could only identify 5 of the layers, so instead of a full refund, they issued her a store credit for 5/7ths of the price – unbelievable. My point is, if I was overly aware of the goings-on in the Magellanic Cloud Galaxy, I might’ve been completely unaware of Costco’s generous return policy and I would’ve missed out on a good deal, and an even greater story. So we come to understand how it pays to not have our head in the clouds – particularly if they’re Magellanic Clouds.

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