Archive for December, 2016

Token White: I Knew it Would Pay Off

Spike Lee to make an all-Black version of Hogan’s Heroes,” trumpeted the headline in Variety.  

Hogan and his heroes throttling the Nazi war machine. Sgt. Kinchloe on the left. Hogan and his heroes throttling the Nazi war machine. Sgt. Kinchloe on the left.

As I breathlessly absorbed those sweet words that I’d waited almost 50 years to read, a lump the size of a Sherman Tank began to grow in my throat. Could this really be happening? I mean it wasn’t the Beatles getting back together, but it was close. One of my fondest boyhood memories was cozying up to the TV on Friday night at 8:30 to watch experience Hogan’s Heroes. The show had everything the pure heart of a 6 year old boy yearned for: good army men outsmarting bad army men, a bunch of secret agent GI Joes camping out in a barrack, and plenty of pretty frauliens inexplicably parading about in a backwater POW camp – who cared if it didn’t make sense? It made me happy. Still does. This new Spike Lee Hogan’s Heroes would make me even happier.  

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The American Kennel Club Recognizes 21 New Breeds

  1. Yorkshire Terrorist – Won’t stop yapping till they get their wet food
  2. She Wow Wow – Sofia Vergara-influenced breed

    Dont raise your eyebrows at me. Don’t raise your eyebrows at me.

  3. Lhasa Ipso Facto – Asian lawyers’ favorite dog
  4. Angela Basset Hound – Ike Turner had something to do with its creation
  5. Alaskan Mostlymute – Rarely barks
  6. Uaintnuthin’butta Hound Dog – Found mostly in the South, Cryin’ all the time
  7. Teacup St. Bernard – A contradiction in terms. Like jumbo shrimp.
  8. Borderline Collie – Not quite a Collie, but close
  9. Cocker Doodle Doo – Howls when the sun comes up
  10. Chilean Sea Basset Hound – A sub-species of Dogfish. Sleeps on a bed of spinach.
  11. Greenish Retriever – Not quite green, looks seasick, recycles
  12. Nissan – Formerly Dachsund (Get it? Datsun became Nissan)
  13. Hairless Sheep Dog – A frightening-looking animal. At least it doesn’t shed.
  14. Mess Hall Chow – Featuring its trademark Blue Tongue Special
  15. Belgian Airhead – (courtesy of Steve Martin)
  16. Random Doodle – exists only on paper and, fittingly, does it on the paper
  17. Jewish Shepherd – Enjoys Flocks and Bagels
  18. Not-so-Great Dane – Underachieving Scandinavian canine.
  19. Shih Tzu! – God Bless You.
  20. Nikita – Nike’s corporate repurposing of the Akita breed. All Nikitas are named Swoosh.
  21. Miniature Toy Chihuahua – Due to size challenges, must be raised under an electron microscope

The Wildly Tame, Semi-Authorized Biography of Christopher Michael Gage

Rare cartoon hand with 4 instead of 3 fingers. An analogy for my stalwart friend Chris who is playing with more than a full deck. Rare cartoon hand with 4 instead of 3 fingers. An analogy for my stalwart friend Chris who is playing with more than a full deck.

What better way to begin someone’s biography than for its author to prattle on about himself. I mean it’s important to break some literary rules, but to do it so shoddily seems rather unseemly and I don’t want to seem unseemly. I’d prefer to seem seemly. I’m stalling because I can’t possibly capture the multi-dimensionality of my dear friend Chris Gage’s human experience, so rather than attempting to paint a rich portrait of a man in full, I’m going to paint a diluted snapshot of a man in 1/16th. I believe by setting the bar this low (capturing 6.25% of Chris) I set a metric (we don’t set goals anymore – we meet metrics) suitable to my talents. Besides, if this mini-bio flies off the shelves or, more likely, is digitally uploaded into people’s Kindles, I can follow it up with 15 more volumes at 6.25% each. With great swagger I might pause here and state, “You do the math,” but as you can see, I’ve already done it. Why do I undermine myself and then advertise it? Well at least you know what you’re dealing with here. Read the rest of this entry »