Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

***The Academy is Losing It***

As movie demographics fragment, Uncle Oscar gets a makeover. But will we still be recognizale?

In a craven attempt to remain relevant, the beleaguered Academy Awards Show has endeavored to reposition itself after last year’s Best Picture fiasco. And in a process reflecting the same mentality that went into assigning the right number of life boats to the Titanic, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences has announced some changes to this year’s awards show. As expected, the first order of business was to nominate Meryl Streep for 14 Academy Awards – this despite the fact she’s not been in any movies at all this year. There were other surprise announcements made at the slowly-arranged press conference. The press conference was slowly-arranged, so as to not have damning press clippings refer to it as “hastily arranged press conference.” The press event was held at the Lawndale Waffle House on El Segundo. It’s more newsworthy items are highlighted below:

 
1. The award for Best Foreign Short will be presented to a Napoleon impersonator.
 
2. Announced that Mr. Bob Hope will host this year’s show.
 
3. New category: Movies Unconnected to Kevin Bacon.
 
4. Martin Scorsese will be nominated for being Martin Scorsese.
 
5. Macaulay Culkin to accept Lifetime Achievement Award.
5.5 Jim Carrey to accept Lifetime Achievement Award, but only for his achievements up to 2005.
 
6. Hologram of Tupac Shakur to present posthumous Grammy to hologram of Henry Mancini – wrong on so many levels.
 
7. Telecast will be sponsored by the all-new Chevrolet Corvair: Rear-engined technology that’s safe at any speed.
 
8. La La Land nominated again. This time for Most Gracious Loser.
 
 
It is hoped these subtle changes will inject new life into a telecast that routinely pulled 40 million viewers, but now is seen by fewer than 108, and most of those from the Motion Picture Home for Retired Actors also located in Lawndale. In fact many of its inmates attended the Academy’s slowly-arranged 4 pm press conference because it coincided with the Chicken à la King Early Bird Special. 

12 Uplifting Internet Headlines

  1. Trump to Nation: I was just doing this to get attention. Now I’m stuck being President. Be careful what you wince for. 
  1. Elon Musk to Provide Free Flying Electric Umbrellas to First 100 “Mary Poppins” movie-goers.
  1. Flint, Michigan Getting its Spark Back
  1. Even if You Forgot the Question, Love is Still the Answer
  1. Bend, Oregon Getting Things Straightened Out
  1. Costco Surrenders to Popular Demand: “Alright already. We’ll remain in Christmas mode all year round now. We’ll be like a charming little Christmas village…in a big ugly warehouse,” says Mr. Costco
  1. Moscow, Idaho to Change Name to Trump, Idaho
  1. Shirley MacLaine to be Reincarnated as a Spunky Actress in Next Life: Wait Till You See What She Looks Like Then!
  1. Philadelphia, PA admits Mistake: Will Now be Known as Filadelfia. No word yet on Worcestershire, MA.
  1. Confused Internet Users Admit: So Much Time to Waste. So Little Time to Do It In.
  1. Grilled Cheese Better for the Heart than Once Thought, says Kraft Cardiologist Group
  1. Dogs are Really Just Saying Thank You When They Sniff Your Crotch. So are Husbands.

Top 10 Signs You May Have Alzheimer’s Disease

  1. You don’t think you have it
  2. You start a joke: “A rabbi, a priest and an atheist walk into a room”…and then you forget why they went in there.
  3. You thought the Ice Bucket Challenge would’ve cured it by now
  4. Sppeling detriorates
  5. You feel you’re in New Jersey all the time because you fuggedaboutit.
  6. You know it’s important to observe the first rule of Fight Club, but you just can’t remember it.
  7. You think you can make fun of it in a stupid little list
  8. You can only think of 8 reasons why you may have Alzheimer’s when you said you’d list 10.

Epitaphs in the Cemetery for the Terminally Ironic

  1. Tombstone version of the Magic 8 Ball. (French “yes”) + (German “yes”) = oui-ja

    They cremated me and now I’m such an ash.

  2.  

    1. Why does this coffin have cup holders and an air bag? Hey wait a minute. They buried me in my car!

     

    1. Is it me or are you really that tall?

     

    1. That Melissa McCarthy kills me. I’m serious. She murdered me. Get her.

     

    1. The guy who wrote this is a chiseler

     

    1. Did all my own stunt work. Although probably should’ve used a stunt double on that last one.

     

    1. And then the alien said, “It’s a cookbook.”

     

    1. Death is the ultimate mic drop

     

    1. Don’t worry ladies. If you’re wearing a dress, I’m face down.

     

    1. It turns out the Surgeon General was right. Smoking really is harmful.

     

    1. Forgive people their ignorance. Start with me.

     

    1. And then he said, “Oh, don’t worry, these bungee cords never snap.”

     

    1. Was privileged to see America made great again.

     

    1. If you’re high and open a jar of Fluffernutter it always gets finished. In fact you don’t even have to be high.

     

    1. Buried with my cat. Kinda wish we put her to sleep first. I’m a shredded mess.

     

    1. I don’t care – I’m still getting my orthodontia work done.

     

    1. Thanks a lot Obama!

     

    1. I was so poor I was living from my girlfriend’s paycheck to my girlfriend’s paycheck {Not really an epitaph. I just thought of it and didn’t want to waste it.}

     

    1. If you can read this epitaph you’re standing on my nuts.

     

    1. I used to “Be Here Now.” Now I “Was There Then.”

     

    1. When you can figure out how to properly space this thing, call me will ya? 

     

GraveEncounters.com Presents: Personal Ads for Dead People

Good news for dearly departed souls  (seen here jumping for joy). Love never ends. It just changes form.

The matchmakers at GraveEncounters.com have created a corpse-friendly website for those dearly departed souls who are looking for love in the Afterlife. The graveyard has long been a dormant market for swinging singles, but with GraveEncounters.com’s patented NecroLink bandwidth and Blacktooth technology, the recently deceased can now pursue an affair of the heart long after theirs has stopped beating.  

As Celine Dion has so eloquently reminded us: Your heart will go on. And it’s not a cliché. Death won’t still the yearning heart from connecting with the One. Once having crossed over you’ll still retain that powerful urge to merge. And that’s why GraveEncounters.com has carefully screened over 8,000,000 profiles of dearly departed who are just dying to meet you. Alright, that was a cliché, but whether you’re recently deceased or have been a-moldering since before the wheel was discovered, we encourage you to browse our no-obligation preview page to find that special decedent who’s a match made in heaven. Enjoy the convenience of our “Virtual Mortuary” website where calling hours are 24/7. Who knows, maybe you’ll find love and no one will ever again have to pry your lover from your cold dead hands.

GraveEncounters.com: Because love shouldn’t have to end with, “Hey Doc, shouldn’t my liver be on the inside?”

 

A Sampling of Our Member Profiles

1. Lonely zombie seeks brainy type for companionship and more. Definitely more interested in your brains than your body.

 

2. Cryogenically frozen lady seeks a warm-blooded man to melt my cold, cold heart…and my other organs too. Please rescue me. I implore you. Your Ice Princess awaits her Prince Warming. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Corporate America,

This is what I look like after being on hold for 58 minutes to talk to a guy in Sri Lanka about my BBQ warranty. This is what I look like after being on hold for 58 minutes waiting to talk to a guy in Sri Lanka about my BBQ warranty.

It’s time we had a talk. I want you to know I appreciate <insert product or service here>, but that I will never memorize my 12-digit account number. Additionally, I don’t know my password, which has been changed three times in the last year and contains a Capital letter, a Number and a Diacritical mark of some kind so that it looks more like a swear word than a password. Finally I never need to listen closely to your automated phone tree just because “some of our options may have changed.” I never had the original options memorized to begin with and I never will.

Please help me simplify my life by just looking up my name and authenticating me by verifying the answers to my security questions. The answers usually being: “6 months” and “grave robbing.”

And the questions being: How much jail time have you served? and What is your favorite hobby? (Which incidentally is the same reason I did jail time).

If you would do that for me <insert name of corporation here> I would get back the 2 months of my life I’ve spent trying to tell you it really is me.

Now, before you go, if you’d like to take a survey expressing your level of satisfaction with this letter, press 1 for yes. If you don’t press 1 for yes expect another 8 minutes added to your hold time – just sayin’.

Thank You for Listening,

Your Loyal Consumer David Hasenpfeffer

Trump Administration Revamps Executive Branch to Reflect Current Political Realities

Who says you can't teach an old seal new tricks? Who says you can’t teach an old seal new tricks?

In a top to bottom reorganization of the Executive Branch, the Trump Administration began to repurpose cabinet level departments and certain governmental agencies to better reflect their new role in the Oranging of America. The following is a list of rebranded names that more accurately express the new breeze blowing through their corridors:

 

1. After months of DNA testing, The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier has been demystified and is now called The Tomb of Corporal Larry Weaver

 

2. Department of Labor has been outsourced to India

 

3. The Department of Defense will get back its old swagger and revert to its original name: The Department of War. Spokagandist Sean Spicer remarked, “It’s what the founders would’ve wanted.”

 

4. Department of Health and Human Services is now just an Urgent Care near Baltimore

 

5. The Bureau of Weights and Measures will now be recalibrated and known as The Bureau of Alternative Weights and Approximate Measures

 

6. The Department of Education has morphed into The Ministry of Propaganda Read the rest of this entry »

Can’t We All Just Get Along

 

"You got any Johnny Winter albums I could borrow?" “You got any Johnny Winter albums I could borrow?”

None of the other polar bears noticed the albino polar bear. Why would they? He blended right in and was all white with everybody. That is until one day somebody taunted, “Hey Rudolph, what’s up with that pink nose. You gonna guide somebody’s sleigh tonight?”

To which Rudolpho (he was a Spanish polar bear) replied, “I’m a polar bear just like you. Judge me by the content of my character not the color of my nose.”

A great lesson was learned that day and soon all the polar bears were holding paws and singing ♫I’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.♫

The Coca-Cola Company then sued the polar bears for copyright infringement of intellectual property.

Are you kidding me? As Journey said in “Don’t Stop Believing”: It goes on and on and on and on…

 

The Seven Stages of Getting Out of Bed in the Morning

There are really 2 facets to getting up in the morning (if indeed it still is morning). First there’s the waking up portion (easy). Then there’s getting out of bed portion (not so easy). And this is where The 7 Stages Of Getting Out Of Bed come into play:

  1. Shock – Why me? I didn’t ask to be born. Stupid horny parents.

 

  1. Denial – Surely this alarm was meant for somebody who gives a sh*t.

 

  1. Bargaining – If keep binge-watching Netflix maybe it will all go away?

 

  1. Guilt – I shouldn’t have gotten in line twice when they passed out the “sleepy gene.” Oh well, ♫Cheer up Sleepy Jean ♫.

 

  1. Anger – It’s still Obama’s fault.

 

  1. Depression – I don’t even want to eat. I swear I’m going to stop feeding myself.

 

  1. Acceptance/hope – Well all this thinking has made me hungry. And since I need money for food, alright I’ll get up and go to work. Next incarnation I hope to come back as a bed so I can lie around all freakin day – yeah that’s right I said “freakin”.

Watch for my next installment of Life Coping Skills when I illuminate the 7 Stages Of Discovering They Got Your Drive-Thru Order Wrong. When you’re 5 miles away.

For Whom the Bell Chimes

Put a ring on it. Put a ring on it.

What better way to ring in the New Year than with a new doorbell chime. I’d been wanting to make some changes in my life for a while because (to paraphrase Bob Dylan) ♫The chimes, they are a-changing♫. What better way to tell the world you’re getting your personal thing together than to swap out your 22-year-old doorbell chime. The traditional F-sharp to D-flat dyad would no longer do. I needed something that bespoke the changes that had happened in my life. I thought a C# to an A would say everything my heart couldn’t.

 

And you know something? Friends started to notice. They mentioned it to me; “Hey Dave. There’s something different about you and I can’t quite put my finger on it?” That’s when I showed them my new doorbell ringer and then they could put their finger on it. Then they understood. They would ring my bell with great certainty and remark “Now I no longer have to ask, ‘For whom the bell chimes?’ For it chimes for thee.” Heavy stuff. But I guess that’s what you have to go through when you break on through to the other side. Read the rest of this entry »