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Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

Product Recalls You’ll Probably Never See

  1. The Titanic – And now they can’t recall it. Let that sink in.
  2. Disappearing Ink – By the time anyone’s figured out there’s a problem, it’s already vanished
  3. Shakespeare Quotes – I don’t even know how you’d recall a quote. I mean I don’t recall any of his quotes.
  4. Caskets – If there’s a problem with a casket, the manufacturer just tries to bury it.
  5. Auto-Dialer Phones – As I recall, I don’t recall a recaller being recalled
  6. The Bean Layer of a 7-layer Dip – Who’s going to remove the bean layer? And then who’s going to buy a beanless 6-layer dip? I’ll tell you who – Dip-sh*ts.
  7. Viagra – This product malfunction rarely comes up – so to speak
  8. This List – You can’t unsee it. Plus, it’s way too funny to be recalled. Usually it’s shared and goes rival. I mean larval. I mean viral.

Modernized Christmas Carols

  1. Police Navidad – Warm Christmas wishes to our officers in Blue
  2. I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus – A San Francisco favorite
  3. O Little Town of Tupelo – Reverently recounts the birth of little Lord Elvis
  4. A Really, Really, Very Noisy Night – Larry David’s spoken word song in response to Silent Night. As Larry says, “If you want a silent night, then you should bring earplugs.”
  5. Let it Warm, Let it Warm, Let it Warm – Climate change caroling for a 72° Christmas

Egg Nog Break (Yes, it’s spiked)

  1. ♫ And so this is Christmas ♫

    Hark! The Hell’s Angels Sing – Born to be Wild!

  2. My Cold Went Viral – Not a carol. I just wanted to state the obvious
  3. G-L-O-R-I-A, Glooooria (In Excelsis Deo) – Van Morrison shares his Xmas cheer
  4. An early Michael Jackson Xmas hit – I Wanna Flock with You (All Night)
  5. O Come All Ye Faithful – The Adult Entertainment Industry celebrates XXXmas
  6. Rockin’ Around the Ganja Tree – It’s Xmas in Jamaica man. Yule luv it rasta.

 

Rejects

  • Caroling to a Ring Doorbell – Hey screen time is screen time
  • Away in a Manger – Motel 6 describes their new lo-budget motel
  • The 2nd Leon – “The First Noel” reworked
  • Mariah Carey’s pro-semitic Christmas carol – All I Want for Christmas, is Jews: All of the Xmas Joy without any of the “Is he the Messiah?” drama
  • Bad King Wenceslaus – Yule be surprised by his actions

 

 

Lifelong Regrets

On the Menu Tonight:

The AppePfizer (brought to you by Pfizer Pharmaceuticals – a druggy division of Milton-Bradley) 

  1. That I was once accused of trafficking in counterfeit stallion teeth. Neigh. Tis not true. I got them straight from the horses’ mouth.
  2. That I was never able to get either foot all the way into my mouth. And yet people said I managed to do this regularly – whenever I spoke.
  3. That my company selling erectile dysfunction drugs went out of business. Why? The competition was too stiff.
  4. That I never met Helen Reddy’s Dingo – and now it’s too late. Fun Fact: Ringo had a Dingo named Bingo. He spelled it B-i-n-go, B-i-n-g-o, B-i-n-g-o and Bingo was his name.
  5. That what I thought was an authentic Sharon Stone pubic hair (purchased and verified on eBay), turned out to belong to Wanda Sykes.
  6. That when I shook the Pope’s hand with a joy buzzer, his Swiss Guard roughed me up.
Sorbet Palette Cleanser.
And now your 2nd Course:
  1. That most restaurants refuse to seat me when I enter with my service ostrich. But it’s OK for Mr. Aristocrat to come in with a handkerchief full of bugers in his pocket.
  2. Finding out I had 2 days to live after purchasing green bananas
  3. That my hefty investment in the Used Casket business, never got off the ground – in fact it never even got out of the ground
  4. That even though I knew it was true, I could never prove Toni Tennile based Muskrat Sam on me. Screw you Darryl.
  5. That my fanny crack is horizontal. Very awkward, unless you’re in Japan where its buttocks as usual.

The Entrée 

  1. That after attending a Reba McEntire concert, I found out later, I was facing the wrong way

Dessert

  1. That Jada Pinkett sent back the toupee I sent her. And then Wil Smith slapped me with a slander suit.

Sometimes I wonder: Is it me you love…or just the IDEA of me?

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A Christmas Message To All My Concerned Friends

If there’s tinsel in my stool, that’s MY business!
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On Thanksgiving Thankfulness

Yes. Gratitude. I’d like to take a moment to bestow gratitude upon the following:

  1. Second Responders – They get no credit at all – in fact I don’t even know who they are.
  2. All my Facebook friends – Well, almost all of them
  3. The Waltons – Especially John Boy and that cute Mary Ellen
  4. Tiny Tim – The Dickens’ one and not the goofy one who tiptoed thru the tulips
  5. Mother Teresa – Set such a quiet example of easy selflessness

In fact, let’s be thankful every day, all year. Not in an overly pious way, just in an “it’s cool to be alive” way.

And, most importantly, may God grant me the serenity & wisdom to understand my 14 streaming services: 4 of which I think I pay for, 5 which might be free or cost $38 each, 1 of which I access via a subdural chip they implanted on my person, against my will (part of my court-ordered probation) and the other 4 that all have pluses (+) at the end of them.

Yes. A Happy Thanksgiving to one and all!

Have yourself a merry little tryptophan-ic turkey day

Test-Marketing Pasta Shapes for 2024

  1. Womanicotti – It’s much curvier than Manicotti, and more considerate too
  2. Tonytoni – A street-smart pasta, shaped like Tony Danza
  3. Buttaroni – A favorite of the Kardashians
  4. Angel Nose Pasta – As you can well imagine, it smells heavenly
  5. Bolo Tie Pasta – Far from Farfalle, it’s popular with cowboys
  6. Knocky – Not Gnocchi, but similar
  7. Cavatelli Savalas – Shaped like Kojak’s chrome dome
  8. Testicallini – Usually served in pairs
  9. Spaghetti F’s – If you liked Spaghetti O’s, you’ll love Spaghetti F’s. They are F’n good
  10. Vomitcelli – This pasta often comes-up in conversation, and in actuality too
  11. Microroni – Macaroni’s tiny little brother.

Buon Appetito Everyone!

 

Omitted

  1. Lunguine – We can all breathe a little easier with this pasta shape
  2. Service Dog Pasta – The world weary draw nutritional and emotional support while chowing down on pasta in the shape of service dogs
  3. Angel Hair – A classic
  4. Angel Pubic Hair – A curlicue classic. Did you know, that every time someone starts a podcast, an angel loses their pubic hair
  5. Crazo – If you like Orzo you’ll love this looney tunes pasta
  6. Crackatini –Not trying to be cheeky here, butt they’re Derriere-licious.
  7. Scrotatelli – Much like ravioli, a pillowy pouch suitable for stuffing with meat or cheese
  8. Tamponelli – People seem to use it about the same time each month.
  9. Groinacolli – Favorite pasta of crotchety old men
  10. Spermacetti – Make up your own joke (there’s only 5000)

 

New Test-Market Soups for 2024

  1. Split Pea with Hamlet – To eat or not to eat. That, is the question.
  2. Italian-Style Divorcing Soup – A bookend to Italian-Style Wedding Soup. These soups satisfy whether you’re coming or going.
  3. Gayspacho – Made with same sex tomatoes. They say once you try it, you’ll never go back…to another soup that is.
  4. Chicken Dumbo – One part chicken, one part elephant. I don’t think it’ll ever fly. Kinda ear-rie actually.
  5. Greek Alphabet Soup – It’s great. From the Alpha to the Omega.
  6. Egyptian Hieroglyph Soup – If you love sideways falcons, symbolic ankhs and more amulets than a box of Lucky Charms, you’ll love this Pharaonic soup. And if you don’t like Egyptian soup, well then Tut Tut.
  7. Viciousoise – Not to be confused with Vichyssoise, Viciousoise is a cold and cruel potato soup
  8. Cram Chowder – An Asian version of Clam Chowder
  9. Tripe Bisque – Most people can’t stomach it
  10. Maxistrone – Minestrone on steroids
  11. Kit-n-Caboodle Noodle Soup – Oodles of noodles in Kit-n-Caboodle.

Toodles!

 

Omitted

  • LGBTQ Alphabet Soup – It’s great. From L to Q. Can’t spell BLT w/o it

 

Least Inspiring TED Talks

  1. What Yappy Dogs Have Taught Me

    My friend has a swell head.

  2. Men with Ringworm…and the Women Who Love Them
  3. “On the Paper You Urchins!” On Toilet Training Dickensian Orphans
  4. Mom Kept Me in a Refrigerator Box Till I was 8: Learning to Chillax Again in a Big Scary World
  5. Born Under a Zero: Learning to Live Without an Astrological Sign
  6. It Takes Two: Learning to Use the New 35 ft. Intestinal Flosses
  7. Can You Eat Animal Crackers and Still Call Yourself a Vegan?
  8. I was Born a Virgin, I’ll Die a Virgin:
  9. From Shiplap to Beadboard – A Panel Discussion on Paneling
  10. Monsieur Papillion Teaches Fencing – Mostly Chain Link and Stockade
  11. Pharmaceutical Media Influencers Insist: You’ll Be More Popular than Ever, Once You Have Eczema

Japanese Street Sign

May be an image of skyscraper and streetI’d follow these instructions, if I knew what they meant.
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Any ideas?
1. Do not ovulate for 20 minutes?
2. Cars must yield to all arrows.
3. $20 resort fee to be paid at end of street.
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Note: It’s better to have signs like this and not need them, than to not have signs like this and need them.