Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

10 Clickbait Internet Headlines of No Consequence: Number 6 Will Shock You.

  1. Guardian Angel Waitress Pays for Homeless Veteran’s Lunch: Next day he brings in 5 friends and orders Lobster
  2. Barking Up the Wrong Headstone: Grief-stricken Dog Sleeps Atop Grave of a Guy with Same Name as his Owner Who’s Still Alive.
  3. Hack of Adoption Records Reunites Mother and Son 33 years after she put him up for adoption. Son’s Reaction: “Great. Now I’m stuck buying Christmas presents for 2 mothers. Thanks a lot Global kOS.”
  4. Unbelievable Canine Loyalty: Tearful Spalding family puts ailing Fido to sleep before vacationing in Hawaii. One week later guess who shows up on their lanai in Maui soaking wet with a few questions.
  5. Joan Rivers daughter Melissa Told Her Mother’s Grave Will Have to be Moved: “She Just Won’t Shut-up. She’s disturbing the other corpses,” says superintendent.
  6. Flint, Michigan Losing its Spark.
  7. After Democrats Demand to see Mitch McConnell’s Birth Certificate, the Kentucky Senator Admits: “Alright! I’m A Sea Turtle. I never knew my mother. I was hatched. Thank God I had an egg tooth.”
  8. Men Vote “The eyes” 4th Favorite Female Body Part. Wait till you see what number 1 is.
  9. Meta-Spoof Headline Makes No Sense: So Much Time to Waste. So Little Time to Do It In.
  10. Shakespeare was a Great Playwright: Wait Till You See What He Looks Like Now!
  11. What a Dog is Really Saying When He Sniffs Your Crotch.
  12. Even Trivia Feels Trivialized By Tsunami of Bullsh*t

Dear Friends

Dear Friends,

Yours truly is working on a project and will be away for awhile. My posts will be intermittent at best. This is a writing project and not associated with prolonging the freshness dating of pharmaceuticals so they’re not flushed down the toilet rendering our seafood a school of drug-addicted fish. Please feel free to write or comment on anything I’ve written so far. And as I have more followers than bought the last Ringo CD, I’m sure I’ll be hearing from you.

Warm Regards,

David 💡

Top 23 Benefits of Stowing Away in the Nose Gear of a Boeing 767

1. Arrive refreshed and unconscious

Route supposedly taken by stowaway.
Route supposedly taken by stowaway.

 2. Avoid the “busy hands” of frisky TSA agents

3. Finally understand the adage: That which does not freeze me, only makes me colder.

4. Can congregate in front of landing strut without being told to return to seat

5. Great way to earn Frequent Dier Miles

6. Get to board plane before those snooty Platinum Club members

7. Can’t beat the cushy oversized rubbery seat

8. Don’t have to listen to know-it-all guy next to you go on and on about how, ”On a BTU for BTU basis, propane gas is your best value.”

9. 5 hour trip seems like 10 minutes because you were unconscious for 4 hours and 50 minutes

10. Because there is no oxygen, you never have to worry about placing margarine cup over mouth and “breathing normally.”

11. Private compartment kept at a constant temperature of -48

12. Without the prying eyes of passengers, can join the mile high club when you’re ready

13. Freedom to get up and move about the wheel well whenever you want

Read the rest of this entry »

The Christ I Knew was not Beyond Reproach

Author’s note: In Edmund Morris’s authorized biography of Ronald Reagan, Mr. Morris employed a fictional character as a literary device to report on and catalogue the many events of Mr. Reagan’s long life. I employ a similar literary device in my unauthorized thumbnail sketch of Jesus Christ’s life, although at no time do I refer to Jesus Christ as “Dutch.”  

 

The Toddler Jesus - Beatific as he wants to be. The Toddler Jesus – Beatific as he wants to be.

Sure I remember the Christ boy. He was the son of Joe & Mary Christ. They lived down the street from my cousins the Goldstein’s of Nazareth. If we knew then what we know now, we would’ve been a lot nicer to him. It’s not everyday God incarnate appears in your midst. He had it all, but that wasn’t enough for him. He wanted everyone else to have it all too. You might say that was his mission in life. Some people didn’t want it all. They wanted things returned the way they were BC, and therein lied the rub. 

His life and his death have inspired billions, and spawned a fierce and bewildering competition for his legacy in yet another example of why earth would be better if it was run by Microsoft. If only Jesus’s estate had the foresight to copyright his images and words, perhaps then we would’ve preserved the kernels of wisdom in his loving message. Instead, careless clerics have germinated them into an inconsequential tuft of weeds. The Garden of Eden is in serious need of landscaping. People are more stymied than facilitated by their religions. It just seems his whole message has gone to seed. Read the rest of this entry »

Hello and…

Remember when people answered phones? Neither do I. Remember when people answered phones? Neither do I.

…thank you for reading davidhardiman.com. To ensure an exceptional literary experience, your reading may be monitored for quality and training purposes. If at any time while reading this material you become panicky or disoriented, put down your screen and dial 9-1-1. Please read everything carefully as some of our menu items may have changed.

Here at davidhardiman.com we value our readers and we understand that many readers self-medicate with these essays.  Again, if this is an emergency or you are hyperventilating, stop reading and dial 9-1-1. Otherwise continue reading and a pain-relieving essay will be with you as soon as one becomes available. We apologize for the delay in bringing you relief, but we are currently fresh out of ideas. You are the 5th reader in the queue so don’t stop reading or you’ll lose your place in line. Your wait time for a meaningful essay is approximately 8 sentences. We are sorry that due to higher than normal reader volume, we are unable to provide our usual level of wit. Additionally, geopolitical events have stifled our creative process. Our outsourced Idea Department was mostly staffed by Ukrainians who have since fled Crimea and are now refugees. We are working hard to keep you interested and while we’re not exactly sure where the problem lies, we are sure President Obama is to blame. Meanwhile please bear with us as we fumble to say something meaningful or at least pertinent. Read the rest of this entry »

LA Pulp Confidential Confession 1954 – A True Story

This is the city: Los Angeleez Califor-ni-a. The following story is true. The names were left the same because there were no innocent to protect. In a moment a description of the events. But first an ad from our sponsor Chesterfield Cigarettes:

Just the facts! Just the facts!

More deceased doctors recommend Chesterfield Cigarettes for their cadavers who smoke cigarettes than any other brand. Why not try a Chesterfield today and experience the full rich tobacco flavor of toxic gases slowly nestling into your once pink lungs. And with Chesterfield there’s no morning hack. In fact, after smoking them for a while, there’s no morning at all. Just mourning.  

That’s how you could advertise cigarettes in 1954. And now back to our True Story:

 

 

Joltin' Joe and Ol' Blue Eyes. Honorary members of the Sicilian Brownies. Joltin’ Joe and Ol’ Blue Eyes. Honorary members of the Sicilian Brownies.

A telephone conversation between frantic landlady Florence Katz Ross and her unimpressed friend Gladys Rabinowitz:

Florence: Yes operator. I’d like MElrose3-9421.

Operator: One moment please. OK. Go ahead.

Florence:  Hello Gladys? Gladys, you’re never gonna believe what just happened.

Gladys:     Well what is it honey? Do tell.

Florence:  Well I was just adjusting the rabbit ears on my new 8” Philco-Vision TV set to watch my stories, when Frank Sinatra and Joe DiMaggio break down my door with an axe, run over to me and demand to know where Marilyn is. I said   “Marilyn who?” And Joe says, “My wife Marilyn Monroe. She’s shacking up here with some bum and I’m gonna give it to him real good see. You capish lady? Now where is she?” Read the rest of this entry »

Mahi Mahi – Can’t Trust That Fish

"Hardiman is such a fish out of water, but so am I." “Hardiman is such a fish out of water. Then again so am I.”

I couldn’t help myself. After ordering the mahi-mahi at Chi-Chi’s in Walla Walla WA, I couldn’t leave well enough alone and just enjoy my lunch lunch. No. In the background, my mind kept trying to rewrite The Mamas And The Papas hit “Monday, Monday” using the words mahi-mahi. The idea arrived uninvited and pursued me while I speared the mahi-mahi with my tines till the prongs were full, then I thrust them into my mouth and, closing my teeth,  pulled out the fork thereby placing its freight in my capacious jaws. Oh sure I’d eaten less descriptively before, but as I’d recently survived a plane crash and felt alive on the planet, I lived life like someone left the forking gate open.  Read the rest of this entry »

Out of This World

 

"Buzz, buzz. Let me back in Buzz." “Buzz, Buzz. Let me back in Buzz.”

When Neil Armstrong returned from his first moonwalk, Buzz Aldrin, who was laboring under the hallucinogenic effects of an unnoticed nitrous oxide leak in the Eagle, had locked the door and refused him entry. The situation grew tense, but, as had occurred during their entire journey, good fortune soon smiled on them and the situation was resolved. Under the Freedom of Information Act I obtained a transcript of their conversation and post its contents verbatim: 

Neil:    Hey Buzz let me in. Hey Buzz, the door is locked. Let me in. (He knocks on the hatch and even though sound waves cannot travel in a vacuum, buzzed Buzz can hear them anyway)

Buzz:   Who is it?

Neil:    Who do you think Buzz? We’re on the god damn moon. C’mon, let me in.

Buzz:   Neil is that you?

Neil:    No. It’s Helen Keller. Read the rest of this entry »

Pepperidge Farm Sorta Remembers

Something to rely on. Pepperidge Farms full line of astral plane cookies. Something to rely on. Pepperidge Farm’s full line of astral plane cookies.

Mmmm! Yummers. These are just some of my favorite astral plane Pepperidge Farm cookies. Are they on your list?

Toucan Sandies

Transgendered Gingerbread Something er Others

Roadside Clusters

Lemon Nothings

Heimlich Chokies

Whoopsie Daisy Flourishes

Buttered Goobledygooks

Powdered Snowglobes

Chess Guys

Multi-Striped, Triple-Dipped, Neo-Drizzled Fancher Snaps

Flightless Shortbread Spinsters

Origami Cannibal Chews

Double Stuff Oreogasms  (Women may have as many as they’d like. Men must wait at least 1 hour between cookies)

Esophageal Conundrums

Snicker Nipples

Nutted Doofuses

Silicon Wafers

Isaac Newtons

 

Pepperidge Farm does remember. My name is Orville Redenbacher and I approved this message.

Teenager’s First Time Reconfigures Brain

  • Calls experience “Hecka Rad, Way Cool and Profoundly Filthy”
  • Vows to repeat act to the exclusion of all else
  • College likely to be a six year plan
  • Tells parents,”Mom, Dad – I’m all about bullet points now” 
  • Parents to Kyle: “Get over it already.”

    Steubenville, OH

    Hyperventilation and a stopwatch marked the first sexual congress between Kyle Galvin (age unimportant) and Sara Chambers (age very unimportant). The premeditated act went off as planned last Sunday morning while Mr. & Mrs. Galvin were attending services at St. John the Baptist Church. “I’m just beside myself,” an excited Kyle gushed after gushing. “I’m like completely a convert to reproduction now. I mean I’d heard all about it and I’d spent a lot of time practicing alone, but I never thought it’d be like this. All the time you hear about the fraying of society and the loss of community and all this disintegration stuff, but this…this is like interstellar Superglue and will bind a society together faster than American Idol or any Groupon ever could. Boy Howdy, this thing looms large in my future and will naturally cause me to straighten up and fly…well straighten up anyway. Man, I’ve got to tell everybody how good this is, although I’m probably just preaching to the choir.”  Read the rest of this entry »