Posts Tagged ‘irony’

Epitaphs in the Cemetery for the Terminally Ironic

  1. Tombstone version of the Magic 8 Ball. (French “yes”) + (German “yes”) = oui-ja

    They cremated me and now I’m such an ash.

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    1. Why does this coffin have cup holders and an air bag? Hey wait a minute. They buried me in my car!

     

    1. Is it me or are you really that tall?

     

    1. That Melissa McCarthy kills me. I’m serious. She murdered me. Get her.

     

    1. The guy who wrote this is a chiseler

     

    1. Did all my own stunt work. Although probably should’ve used a stunt double on that last one.

     

    1. And then the alien said, “It’s a cookbook.”

     

    1. Death is the ultimate mic drop

     

    1. Don’t worry ladies. If you’re wearing a dress, I’m face down.

     

    1. It turns out the Surgeon General was right. Smoking really is harmful.

     

    1. Forgive people their ignorance. Start with me.

     

    1. And then he said, “Oh, don’t worry, these bungee cords never snap.”

     

    1. Was privileged to see America made great again.

     

    1. If you’re high and open a jar of Fluffernutter it always gets finished. In fact you don’t even have to be high.

     

    1. Buried with my cat. Kinda wish we put her to sleep first. I’m a shredded mess.

     

    1. I don’t care – I’m still getting my orthodontia work done.

     

    1. Thanks a lot Obama!

     

    1. I was so poor I was living from my girlfriend’s paycheck to my girlfriend’s paycheck {Not really an epitaph. I just thought of it and didn’t want to waste it.}

     

    1. If you can read this epitaph you’re standing on my nuts.

     

    1. I used to “Be Here Now.” Now I “Was There Then.”

     

    1. When you can figure out how to properly space this thing, call me will ya? 

     

Alfred Nobel’s Irony, Featuring Me

What hath Nobel wrought? A deft recovery from a sordid situation. What hath Nobel wrought? A deft recovery from a sordid situation.

The reason Nobel Prizes exist is found in the guilt-ridden remorse of Alfred Nobel. Mr. Nobel (1833-1896) was a Swedish arms merchant who invented dynamite. Unlike nitroglycerin which can explode merely by jostling it, dynamite is a very stable compound – at least until it’s detonated. And for the record, TNT (despite AC/DC’s lyrics to the contrary) is not dynamite. Nobel invented dynamite a few years after the less stable and less powerful TNT came to market. OK, so much for a crash course in mid-19th Century explosives. The question is, how did we get from a rapacious arms merchant in Sweden to the revered Nobel Prizes we have today? Read the rest of this entry »