Posts Tagged ‘letters’

Breaking News: Letters of the Alphabet Vote to Unionize

It can’t happen here. A nation held hostage by its alphabetic benefactors? Not if we improve our ways.

Nation Held Spellbound as Letters Threaten to Strike 

Here’s What We Know So Far:

  • Letters, apparently enraged over polluted public discourse demand a return to civility
  • Alphabetic job action threatens to rearrange pre-existing letters of all written material unless hostility is curbed and honesty restored
  • In a muscular display of alphabetic resolve, the alphabet has collectively agreed to alter the letters of 2 well-known items to demonstrate their resoluteness. Henceforth the letters on the box cover of the game Chutes-n-Ladders will read Shoots-n-Cleavage. And shampoo instructions now direct you to: lather, rinse, defibrillate. What’s next? STOP signs reading GO.
  • Cursive, Calligraphic and Cyrillic Letters have voted to join their block-letter brothers in seeking better working conditions
  • Arabic letters vow to support any job action, providing the curvier letters are draped in black
  • Hieroglyphs, graffiti and most other symbols follow suit. In Egypt, the pictographs in the tomb of Ramses II have joined the cause and morphed into several Peanuts comic strips.
  • No word yet from Emojis. In fact, none expected. After all, they’re emojis. They did however send a 😀 .
  • Hebrew alphabet, under pressure from the Right to Left Party, remains a holdout  
  • “@” symbol agrees to remain in the public domain so people can still get email
  • Early languages (Sanskrit, Latin and Greek) side with museum curators and refuse to participate in the job action in order to preserve integrity of ancient scrolls
  • Strike seen as a threat to all written material except doctor’s prescriptions which no one can read anyway
  • Seeds of discontent sowed early on in the Primordial Alphabet Soup of Life
  • President tweets “Those Sons of Bitch letters better get back in line or they’re fired. JOBS.” But all 140 letters take a knee and the tweet appears as, “Life with Melania is one long celibation! SOBS.”
  • Authors have come out against the strike calling the job action “Censorship.” The alphabet calls their action “Repositioning.”
  • Read the entire story below on how it all happened

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