My Profile

 

Profile of David Hardiman

As Promised: My Profile

Sit you down father
David Hardiman, years after his birth.

Greetings fellow traveler and welcome to my blog of sorts. It’s really a platform for the many and varied stories I write. Its purpose is to give you sincere sensations in reading and give me unalloyed joy in writing. In fact, former addicts agree, these stories stimulate the same pleasure centers of the brain cocaine does. However, these stories are to be read, and not snorted. As this blog matures, I probably will not. My vast catalogue of over 200 stories will be doled out slowly, so just like the Beatles did, when Hardimania detonates, I’ll have the hit singles ready – yeah, yeah, yeah. These stories consist of arcane, kitschy and numinous accounts of my hypo-allergenic perceptions. I extrude each one with great enthusiasm. And as we’ve all learned, there are two things in life you should never witness; me extruding a story or the night Prince Charles was conceived. In any event, as the doting stage mother of these stories, I hope they’re so engrossing you’re inspired to put your cell phone on Airplane Mode when reading them.

I was born David Hardiman, but all my friend calls me by my street name – David Hardiman. Now that’s consistency. Wherever I go I meet expectation; and once I even met an Olsen twin. Not bad for someone “Nephews Magazine” put on their “Nephews to Watch in 2012” list.

Like my blue eyes, most of my genes are recessive and that’s probably why I kennel my Pet Rocks when I go on vacation. Despite my recessive genes, I’ve evolved a clever beak suitable for securing the nutrients from my environment necessary for survival. An Intelligent Design? Perhaps. But no more higher functioning than a bulldog’s salivary glands. So please enjoy my digital slobber of authentically ambiguous tales. And lest you think me simply a fool in polysyllabic clothing; think again because I’m really more of an arriviste in sesquipedalian raiment (don’t worry, I don’t know what it means either). To be david about this (as opposed to “being frank”) – my writing may be heartfelt, but it’s essentially a vehicle to get me (and maybe you) to a place where ever so occasionally God can be heard clearing his throat amidst the karmic commotion of our little human anthill. I’m referring to a place where gravity supports rather than oppresses, a place that no keystroke has ever blemished and where eternity goes on forever thereby putting life insurance companies out of business. I’m not asking much from this blog. Only everything. So enjoy the ruse, drink deeply and just assuredly as this moment will lead to the next, would it kill you to floss your damn teeth tonight?

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