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The New 14 Commandments

David Hardiman — Sun, 03 Mar 2024 20:27:02 +0000

(As It Pertains to Peoples’ Names) Be it known to all homo sapiens, that I (your eternal pal, the Almighty) am not a fan of these designer, boutique names that so many of my errant flock have wantonly applied to themselves. These hip-hop and vacuous monikers conjure up unjustified notions of characters ranging from gilded […]

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“News of the Universe” Reports a Stunning Discovery in a Galaxy Far, Far Away

David Hardiman — Fri, 21 Jul 2023 18:55:42 +0000

News of the Universe is a weekly digest of newsworthy events materializing in the entirety of our Cosmos. It is published by the Powers that Be – a subsidiary of the Almighty. News of the Universe has been covering everything in God’s creation since before the Big Bang. Yes, they’ve been reporting ever since that […]

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St. Peter Reissues CC&Rs for the Gated Community Known as Heaven

David Hardiman — Sun, 10 Jun 2018 19:00:14 +0000

While it’s true that Heaven’s eligibility requirements have remained unaltered since God first sneezed the Cosmos into existence 15 billion years ago (6,000 years ago for my orthodox Christian friends), a growing chorus of HOA members have begun to proclaim the right to print their own Golden Ticket to Heaven. HOA President-for-life and creator of […]

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Could I Be My Own Ancestor?: A Reincarnation Snafu Explained

David Hardiman — Sat, 23 Dec 2017 18:34:29 +0000

George Grossman died of natural causes at the age of 33 – if you consider being struck by a meteor as “natural.” George’s bewildering demise occurred while he was racing to the hospital to witness the delivery of his second child who would turn out to be a son named Jake. Many years later fatherless […]

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Oh How the Mighty have Fallen – The Almighty

David Hardiman — Sun, 26 Nov 2017 16:25:40 +0000

God Accused of the Nonconsensual and Unwelcomed Relocation of Vulnerable Souls from their True Home in Fabulous Heaven to the Crude Habitat of Problematic Earth Is this just another case of soulful harassment so prevalent these days? Well, as we’ll see it may depend on your perspective. The Dam Breaks A trickle of repressed memories […]

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There Must Be Some Mistake. I Don’t Belong Here.

David Hardiman — Fri, 09 Sep 2016 21:11:52 +0000

What am I doing back here on Earth? It could be God’s reincarnation file was hacked and I was mistakenly assigned the “Earth end of the stick.” Or perhaps it’s just an easily rectified clerical error. Either way it’s the worst do-over since Milli Vanilli got back together. How an enlightened soul like me could get […]

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A Seriously Humorous Look at the Upside of Dying

David Hardiman — Mon, 22 Aug 2016 19:13:11 +0000

Professional sports leagues provide the best euphemisms for those souls who’ve dearly departed the playing field. For example, the NFL describes death as being placed on the “Permanently Unable to Perform List.” If you do not go gently into that good night, Major League Baseball will put you on the “Involuntary Retirement List.” And to […]

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Identity Thief Strikes God. “Takes one to know one,” says thief.

David Hardiman — Thu, 28 Jan 2016 00:10:32 +0000

Identity theft, long thought to have victimized only earthlings with good credit scores, has smote The Almighty. Believers began to have suspicions when so many of their prayers went unanswered. Atheists seemed to be unaffected by the theft. After burning around the bush, our Lord announced today (through a spokesman as usual) that for […]

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Hopi Indian Pens Drunken Letter to Great Sky God – Gets Teepee TP’d for Blasphemy

David Hardiman — Mon, 01 Sep 2014 03:32:40 +0000

Dear Great Sky God, It’s me, Feathers-in-his-Head Hardiman again; your brave brave. I’ve been meaning to say a few things to you and what better time than when I’m drunk. I got my Vodka Medical card and I know how to use it. Why go to the doctor when you can self-medicate? Some self-medicate by […]

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Professor Steals God’s Identity. Claims, “Takes one to know one.”

David Hardiman — Sun, 11 Aug 2013 06:19:02 +0000

Identity theft, long thought to have victimized only earthlings with good credit scores, has smote our dear Lord. The Lord tweeted to his followers (which is everyone, except atheists) that he regrets any inconvenience to his children, but that he’s not responsible for the karmic debts rung up by his impostor. The credit firm Equifax immediately […]

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