News of the Universe is a weekly digest of newsworthy events materializing in the entirety of our Cosmos. It is published by the Powers that Be – a subsidiary of the Almighty. News of the Universe has been covering everything in God’s creation since before the Big Bang. Yes, they’ve been reporting ever since that lesser publicized, but very enabling Little Bang got the whole singularity expanding in the year 3000 BBB (Before the Big Bang).

As one might expect, News of the Universe (NOTU) is a star-studded publication with a stellar reputation and an astronomical reach to its far flung, extra-terrestrial audience. It’s available everywhere except on Rigel-7, where Wi-Fi is spotty owing to disruptions in the space-time continuum courtesy of renegade Black Holes that simply refuse to play by the settled laws of physics. News of the Universe is a decorated periodical that has won a Parsec Pulitzer Prize for blowing the lid off unseen, hypothetical matter and exposing the truth about this invisible material in their spotlight series Dark Matter Matters.

The following article is the second most popular article from this week’s publication with over 38 X 10⁶⁵ hits. In case you were wondering, the most popular and ogled section was the Alien Illustrated Swimsuit issue. 

From News of the Universe May 4th 2023:

Miracle in the Milky Way

~ Billions of Humans Found Alive on Planet Earth! ~

The planet earth, previously believed to be incinerated in the Milky Way’s supernova of 1054, has been found intact and teeming with 8 billion so-called humans, living unsupervised in something they call a “society.” The cosmic hierarchy was stunned to find these orphaned children of God mostly healthy and seemingly insensible to their predicament. The rediscovery was made quite by accident when heavenly accountant Coopers & Lybrand’s was performing their annual inventory of the 2 trillion galaxies for the Almighty.

Coopers & Lybrand’s CPA (Certified Public Astronomer) Webb Hubble described his serendipitous discovery of this long thought to be obliterated planet:  

I can usually conjure-up a million galaxies at a time – just by thinking about them. And I had completely discounted the possibility that earth would populate my cosmic ledger due to the 1054 supernova that had taken them off the books. Back in 1054 the supernova was thought to be earth-shattering news – literally. But we were wrong.

Quite by accident I picked-up on some weak TV signals of a show called I Dream of Jeannie. I traced the signal back to its origin and lo and behold, there was earth in all its tumultuous glory. It was no longer a Garden of Eden. It was more a Barbara of Eden.

For whatever reason, the first thing I noticed about this 3^rd rock from old Sol, was that the Social Security trust fund would run out of money by 2054. 2054 – 1000 years after the supernova apocalypse. Would this insolvency portend another kind of catastrophe – a geriastrophe or an Eldergeddon. This shortfall was serious. It threatened the entire early-bird dinner industry.

The second thing I noticed was that Earth should’ve had 5 billion terrestrials instead of the 8 billion terrestrials currently populating “the little planet that could.” That’s 3 billion extra-terrestrials. Most of these humans were at the apex of the food chain. They ate everything: plants, animals and especially gummi bears. And even from the most cursory of observations, it was obvious they’d mastered popcorn shrimp and effective countermeasures to anaphylactic shock.

Another thing that caught my eye was a general store in a far-off place called West Virginia that had a sign out front reading: Isn’t it ironic that Keith Urban is a country singer? They changed the sign every so often. Another day it read: Turning vegan would be a big missed steak. They call them memes. In my business they’re called liabilities.

Clearly these industrious humans had been busy, and they had the seedless watermelons to prove it.

“They seem so alien,”

Hubble’s account was buttressed by other boots-on-the-earth reporters who described how these latter-day humans survived on something they call “food.” NOTU Journalist Janelle Jetson noted that they’d learn to grow it, all by themselves: “They hunt and gather this food from a building where there is a “store of groceries.” They get their water from the sky which they keep in lakes and rivers. And, as expected, they get their energy drinks from Satan. Their fascination with Satan’s food is given a prominent place at their table: they indulge in devilled eggs and even a Devil’s Food cake they devour diabolically.

“You’d be surprised how they reproduce – they perpetuate their species through a pleasurably incentivized, highly irresponsible act that bears no indication of the awesome responsibilities resulting from such an ecstatic and wanton act of fornication. It’s a trick to keep the population sustained and they wouldn’t be the first organisms to fall for it. Think of it as a cosmic prank…with benefits.”

Thus Spake

The Almighty was surprised these quarrelsome little creatures had prospered without his superintendence. When asked to comment on the discovery our Lord bellowed, “I can remember when these blinkered little knaves were just a tepid primordial soup you wouldn’t serve to a starving saint. Now look at them – they play pickleball, they have an eye fluid that ‘gets the red out’ and they built these adorably steepled houses just to worship me – me, who didn’t even finish trade school.

“They were my chosen ones 12,000 years ago when I decided to make the collective consciousness more individuated. I took the Big Consciousness pervading everything and decided to localize it in fleshy temples. I even threw the illusion of Free Will and another Big Bang happened. An explosion of fire. Then clay pots, then iron pots then bronze pots and finally Ford Falcons. Oh, how they could get things out of the earth and transform them into everything from marital aids to the plastic support structure that keeps a pizza box from collapsing onto the cheese. And don’t get me started on Kleenex boxes. How’d they ever figured-out a way to pull out one sheet while simultaneously exposing another ready for plucking is beyond me – and I created this whole shindig.

“Problem was I did my job a little too well and when my children became self-aware, they felt truly separate and alienated from me. Not a good look. Bad optics for me and my franchise. But eventually it all becomes a homogeneous One again. I mean do you really think there has been an individual “you” for all eternity? No way. I’d expend too much energy if this thing didn’t oscillate every 100 billion years or so. It takes a lot of energy to run a universe. I mean just try keeping the ice frozen at an NHL hockey rink in the summer. I can’t keep this charade up much longer. It’s very taxing and, even though I am ageless, I’m not getting any younger.

In any event, it’s great to have Earth back in the fold. Where else would I get to watch “The Beverly Hillbillies?” And all that Drive-thru fast food. Love it. Meanwhile rest assured…that’s it. Just rest assured. In this format describing the divine awareness is like looking in a mirror and using whale sounds to convey the heavenly message. But that’s OK. Rest assured.”

Now that our Lord has once again been made aware of earthlings and has observed how they treat each other, he’s thinking maybe it’s not such a bad idea to misplace them again for another millennium or two. ֎

Copyright – NOTU. Star Date 5/4/23

News of the Universe Writer David Hardiman prepared this article with the assistance of Sandi Duncan, Henry Kissinger and Mark Spitz.

Lola Falana and Charro were both on assignment and unable to contribute.   

Other Articles in News of the Universe:

• Black Holes: Fantastic Portals to Unimaginable Dimensions or Just a Quick Way to Commute to Work
• Immigration Editorial: Local Terrestrials Say, “We don’t want any Extra-Terrestrials ‘round these parts.”
• If spacetime is saddle-shaped…can I put it on my horse?

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