Archive for March, 2022
- I’m just a humble narcissist suffering from false modesty
- Most appropriate song in the Ukraine: Crimea River
- Warning to Anna Phylactic: The enclosed Ideas were written on equipment used in processing tree nuts
- Henceforth all cities are forbidden to change their names. Listening Peking, Bombay, Kiev? Nobody needed to learn Beijing, Mumbai or Kyiv. Heck, I still call New York City, New Amsterdam. Sometimes I even refer to North America as Terra Incognita or simply the New World, but I’m an old soul. And you too P Diddy or whatever is the latest iteration of your name. You will always be Sean Combs. It’s bad enough your first name doesn’t have an “h” in it.
- You’d think the UCS (Union of Concerned Scientists) would have greater interest in this list. They don’t. These so called “Concerned Scientists” could care less. Hypocritical bastards.
- If you don’t like this list, don’t humor me with that, “It’s not you, it’s the font” malarkey
- My dog thinks these ideas are too clever by arf.
- If when reading this list you experience dangerous waves of laughter, stop reading and dial 911…and please listen carefully because some of their menu options have changed
- #9 removed by the Union of Concerned Scientist because they were concerned it was “too funny” and would lead to #8. Oh sure, I’m at my funniest and suddenly they’re all concerned.
- #10 removed by the humanitarian organization Doctors Without Bladders. Well they can piss off.
- My yogurt has had its acidophilus and bulgaricus culture removed by woke vegans. Just another example of cancel culture.
- The Cyrillic Alphabet is hard enough, but the symbols ¥ĭŋŧŧƌƣǣȝȾɏɖɖ will lead you to Rune
- What makes us human? Well we’re the only species to look at our Q-Tips or Kleenex after we’ve used them
- I’m more aware of your pancreas than you think
- When is it appropriate to donate something to Goodwill? For example, I have things hanging in my closet I haven’t worn in over a year: a really ugly vest and a couple of raccoons I found guilty of treason. Do I just give them away?
Note to Readers: David Hardiman is a multi-adaptive platform, replete with a suite of tools designed to create user-friendly content. He now refers to himself as the symbol “Ɵ.”
Hello again everyone. I am Ɵ (the multi-adaptive platform, replete with a suite of tools designed to create user-friendly content formerly known as David Hardiman). Glad to of made your acquaintance. No. That should have read: Glad to have made your acquaintance. Maybe it is the font after all.
Peace and Love,
Top 10 (or so) Least Popular “White Noise” Ambient Sounds
- Rain falling on a corpse
- An endless loop of “Please listen carefully as some of our menu options have changed”
- Waves crashing on a Land Rover parked too close to the shore
- Nail guns operated by the Marine Drum & Bugle Corps
- Wind blowing through an orphanage
- An endless loop of “If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and dial 911”
- Morgan Freeman slowly enunciating, “Here kitty, kitty, kitty. Heeeeere kitty.”
- A batter repeatedly hit on the ankle by a 95 mph fastball
- A continuous sound of rubber being punctured by one of those “Caution: Severe Tire Damage” spikes.
- The Gettysburg Address solemnly spoken in Pig Latin
- A quartet of Leaf Blowers playing “When the Saints Go Marching In”
- The sound of no hands clapping. AKA the Sound of Silence.
- Christopher Walken reciting “Rock-a-Bye Baby”
- The whoosh of toilets flushing
- A 15-round recording of Rock’em Sock’em robots boxing
- A veterinarian brushing Grover’s teeth. Grover is his assistant.
- The zipping sounds of aestheticians administering a bikini wax
And if this list doesn’t put you to sleep, nothing will.