January, 2022 | davidhardiman.com

Archive for January, 2022

Article Excerpted from Preacher Times Magazine:

Such a nice missionary. Why would the Church not let him continue to use his missionary position to help people?

Evangelizing preacher Uriah Soderhouse hopes to maintain his missionary position despite differences with the Church. Elders have offered him other positions, but he insists his missionary position is his favorite.

 

Spokeswoman Jennifer Carlyle said, “the laity are 100% underneath him on this issue. We want Reverend Soderhouse to know that we have his back on this one – and of course his front too. The good reverend shouldn’t just roll over because the Church says so.”
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Elders say it doesn’t make sense to keep him in the missionary position, but that any movement must be consensual and pleasing to both parties. They maintain there are any number of positions he could at least try, and if he didn’t like them he could go back to his boring, old missionary position.

Disneyland Announces a New Addition to Its Theme Park: Cruella’s Tomb Town

CEO Heralds Cruella’s Tomb Town as “Hilariously Grave”

Coming on the heels of its popular Toon Town, the Walt Disney Corporation announced a ghoulishly new addition called Cruella’s Tomb Town. The delightfully macabre park is overseen by the wicked villainess who shows a cheerier side of herself. The park promises to combine the heart-stopping thrill of graveyard walking with the white-knuckling chill of mortuary science. “You might enter the gates of Tomb Town feeling becalmed, but you’ll leave feeling embalmed,” said Disney CEO Bob Chapek in a cryptic XOOM meeting with shareholders.

Keep your friends close, and your Glenn Close too.

A suitably morose Chapek said he hopes Tomb Town can pick up where Michael Jackson’s Thriller left off, but without all the adolescent sleepovers. “This is going to be bigger than gender reveal parties and kids are going to just love the ice cream served at the Tomb Town Creamatorium – it’s scooped into a cute little urn and sprinkled with Jimmys – Jimmy Hoffa’s.” Then, thinking his XOOM camera was off, Chapek took off his shirt and scratched like an ape.  

Early beta-testing of Tomb Town revealed a few kinks. For example an employee was arrested for indecent exposure while trying to lay a wreath at the grave of Hugh Hefner. Disney brushed off the whole affair as a simple case of “miscommunication.” In another incident, Tinkerbell bitch-slapped a heckling visitor while shouting, “Oh yeah, I’ll show you who’s a fairy.” But all these glitches were ironed out and now Cruella’s Tomb Town is a side-splitting celebration of cemetery satire, a bastion of boffo boneyard absurdity, a mecca of mausoleum mirth and a crypt of killer comedy. Who knew a happily morbid park could do all that?

Cruella’s Tomb Town features such amusing and macabre delights as:

  1. The Hall of Animatronic Caskets where you can hear one casket say to the other, “Is that you coffin?”
  2. Skeletons of the Caribbean – Enjoy a politically incorrect laugh when you hear the Japanese captain announce over the ship’s intercom, “This is your pirate speaking.”
  3. Burial Pyramid of Calvin Burkhart – A tribute to the greatest triangle player the world has ever known
  4. The Urn of Cinder-ella – Talk about return to cinder. On Saturday night the Spice Girls perform and at exactly midnight they all turn into Pumpkin Spice.
  5. The Catacombs of Katy Coombs – They’re not Popes. They’re all Katies. Katies named Coombs. And who created these catacombs? – Katydid.
  6. Bates Motel Attic of Taxidermied Animals – You’ll feel so unclean after viewing them, you’ll want to take a shower right there. Not a good idea. Park managers strongly advise you shower when you get home.
  7. Plot of the Plotters of the Lincoln Assassination – You’ll plotz when you see their dastardly plots
  8. Tomb of Dumbo the Elephant – Or is it the Elephant Man? Either way that’s one helluva trunk.
  9. Cryogenic Crypt of the Cast of Frozen – Careful, there are some real ice-holes buried here
  10. It’s a Really, Really, Really Small World After All – Burial ground for professors of quantum physics
  11. It’s a Tall World After All – Burial ground of former Los Angeles Lakers
  12. See the Tomb of the Unknown Celebrity – You know his face, but you can’t quite remember his name: It’s that guy from, you know, that show where he’s the father of grown-up Opie   
  13. Tomb of the Well Known Vagrant – He accomplished little and amounted to even less, but just like a Cheers customer, everybody knew his name: Boxcar Willie
  14. Grave of Peter Graves – Mission Possible. Very popular with boomers. The grave self-destructs every 5 seconds
  15. Crypts of the Osmonds’ – We know. They’re all still living, but these are the coffins they plan to be buried in. Marie’s is a little bit country and Donny’s is a little bit Rock-n-Roll. Andy Williams is interred nearby.
  16. Main Street Parade – If you thought the choreography in Thriller was stiff, wait till you see the Zombies lurch in this chilling celebration of the afterlife. Sponsored by Caucasian Boogie Co.
  17. OB/GYN Land – Hear Nurse Martin sing: ♫Mary had a little lamb and the doctor was surprised♫
  18. Crypt of the Transgendered Hermaphrodite – It’s a real Journey. ♫Any way you want it. That’s the way you need it. Any way you want it♫  
  19. Buying a Big Box Casket from a Big Box Store – It’s like buying a moo-moo at the Dress Barn. A match made in heaven. Prepare for your post-existing condition today
  20. Cadaverous Food Court – Business is dead and so are half the patrons in this light-hearted look at dining with the deceased. All the fast food restaurants are represented: Scary Queen, Dead Lobster, iHopped and of course the regular version of Waffle House.
  21. See Bodies Lying in State – This mp3 file shows people lying in different states: Iowa, Tennessee and some are even lying in a state of serenity. And while some are lying in state, others are telling the truth. Not recommended for people that don’t like visual puns.
  22. Tomb of the Unknown Narcissist – You really have to watch yourself in this one. Maybe you don’t know who he is, but he sure does. Even when he died he didn’t stray far from his body. Put it this way, when he died he was absolutely beside himself.

CEO Chapek believes the future belongs to the squeamish and that Cruella’s Tomb Town is uniquely positioned to capture this cultural wince factor. With the addition of Cruella’s Tomb Town, we’ll soon discover whether Disney can be both the happiest and ghastliest place on earth.

Turtle Snapping?

“Hey! Settle down Calista.”

If you think herding cats is hard, try getting five turtles to pose for you. Took forever. They kept moving, ruining the shot. Especially that free-spirited Calista! Well, in the words of Lin-Manuel Miranda 🎶I’m not giving away my shot🎶

I don’t even think they understand English. After all, this was in Mexico.

Finally, One Stop Mohair and Deer Pellet Shopping

I smell the pungent odor of musk behind this – Elon Musk.

Obviously I’m driving through a strange part of the country. Now if I could just figure out what country it is I’m driving through.

I do believe this company would take care of all my mohair and deer pellet needs. Take that Amazon!

PTSD – Post Traumatic Succulent Disorder

Dr. Hardiman extricating himself from a thorny situation.

Botanist Dr. David Hardiman suffering from PTSD – Post Traumatic Succulent Disorder – had his first outing with his new service cactus.

Dr. Hardiman remarked, “I’ve really learned a lot from Dino. He takes on all my prickly situations and makes them his own.
“I’ve really imprinted on him. Whenever he’s around I never have the urge to pee. He’s taught me how to hold my judgments and water.
“Happily there is no “i” in cactus. It’s just us… cact-us. I mean there is an “i” if there are cacti, but you know what I mean right?”
Although Dr. Hardiman is an ardent tree hugger, he warns it’s “not a good idea” when it comes to cacti.

Coxsackie is a Real City in New York State

It’s citizens are called Coxsackers. In fact every last one of them is a Coxsacker – whether they like it or not.
Of course some of the meaner Coxsackers are just plain pricks – which seems a little redundant.

Coxsackie is located just below Phallus, NY in Taint County.
And yes I’m very proud of this post.

 

This movie was the prequel to Men in Black. It’s called Men in Hats. In this scene Raquel Welch had just stepped out onto her balcony after a shower.

This still is from 1968’s Madigan. Hats off to these men pretending to be detectives. James Whitmore on the extreme left (in the picture and in politics).

Do you realize that when someone agrees with this man, they sometimes non-ironically say, “OK Boomer.”

Former Terrapin and Bengal QB Boomer Esiason.

Mugs Only a Mudda Could Love

Each of the mugs below were used as models for the Rock’em Sock’em Robots
and each head was chiseled from a single block of granite.

1. Syracuse University’s new offensive guru OC Robert Anae. His manly head was the model for the Rock’em Sock’em Robots. He’s straight out of Central Casting. And speaking of Central Casting…

 

2. Leathery actor Frank Gerstle shown here in a terrific Hogan’s Heroes episode from 1967 “The General Swap.”
Note: All Hogan’s Heroes episodes were terrific.

3. Rugged actor Barney Phillips. Staring a hole in an adversary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. Actor Barney Phillips from a Twilight Zone episode. Staring 3 holes in an adversary. Great make up job. You’d never know the 3rd eye wasn’t real.

***Clown Motel Review***

🤡🤡🤡

I gave it 3 clowns, but I’d give it 2 bearded ladies if they’d let me. 

Don’t think I’ll stay here again.

Sleep under the Big Top and wake up smelling like an elephant.

First of all, the guy at the reception desk was a total clown. Then, when I’m signing in, I see a Mini Cooper pull up and 38 clowns got out.

It seems like a nice touch when the motel leaves a little carnation on your pillow, but when you pick it up, it squirts you in the face. 

The Clown Motel is a little eerie. In the morning my shoes had somehow become twice their normal size. Each room is assigned a “personal valet clown” named It, who resides in the closet, but sticks his head out every 1/2 hour to ask maniacally, “Can I get you anything” – and they expect you to sleep thru this. 

The motel restaurant is very good, but for god’s sake don’t order the cream pie. It served “en face.” As expected, the clown pie tasted kinda funny. 

And to think this motel claims Rudolph as one of their own just because he has a red nose. The whole thing was a total clown show.

 

~Verified Customer~