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Exciting New Amish Theme Park Hailed as a “Disneyland without Electricity”

Drawing from their rich tradition of shunning modernity while embracing simplicity the Amish community has opened a 666-acre family fun park called The Amish Amusement Barn. Hoping to win converts to their joy of sober merriments, Church Elders say they raised this Barn as an analog antidote to today’s digital distress. Church Youngers say it puts the “fun” back in fundamentalism. Contrary to the generally positive inhouse reviews, Church traditionalists lament, “We have visited this so-called Amusement Barn – and we are not amused.”

Yea verily. Yours truly and son visited this Mecca to Merriment. We’ll never be the same again.

For purposes of writing a review (full disclosure: This review was underwritten by Famous Aimish Chocolate Chip Cookies – a division of Mennonite Industries) yours truly visited this proper paean to God-given fun. And in keeping with the sentiments of the Amish community, this review is written by candlelight on a typewriter while sipping on some mead. I hereby submit the following review:

The Amusement Barn bespeaks good, clean fun the way God meant it to be pre-Garden of Eden – i.e., tempting, but not too tempting. And with a janitor to visitor ratio of 1:5 this Amusement Barn is a classic case of cleanliness being next to Godliness.

The park seems to be from a bygone era. But as wary visitors begin to participate in the Amusement Barn’s rides, games and reveries, they find themselves transformed from a nervous Nellie in digital distress to a serene Solomon in analog rapture as the yoke of modernity is lifted from their weary shoulders. That’s how I see it anyway. But maybe that’s just the mead talking.

This interstate can take you all the way to the 1850s.

Located deep in Mennonite country, where men are Mennonites and women are Womennonites, The Amish Amusement Barn begins to reorient their guests immediately upon arrival with visitors parking at a staging area about 1 mile from the Barn. From there they’re whisked away in an enchanting little horse and buggy driven by authentic Amish teamsters. As your stately open air conveyance gently jostles you on its journey to this Mecca of merriment, anxieties begin to melt away to the extent one hardly notices the 40 ton 18-wheelers rumbling by on the interstate at 70 mph, not 3 feet from the buggy.

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Disney Opens New Attraction: The Hall of Stationary Bowling Pins

In a move piggybacking on the popularity of its Hall of Animatronic Presidents, the Disney Co. announced a new attraction – The Hall of Stationary Bowling Pins. Disney hailed the new exhibit as a great way for haggard park guests to hit the reset button – especially if someone has just knocked down all the pins. In a fickle world of short attention spans and immediate gratification, the Hall’s celebration of Zenlike joy in promoting the quiet veneration of stationary bowling pins seems a risky bet – especially when set against thrill-seeking clientele expecting the exhilarating sprays of Splash Mountain.

 

Oh the majesty!

The hushed museum quality of this static exhibit is as dialed down as they come. And yet, however counterintuitive it may be, this retro-move seems to have struck a nerve with parkgoers. And this strike has carried over to the bowling pins. For example, many visitors were overcome with emotion after viewing the shrine and commented how strange it was that something so very stationary, could also be so very moving. Go figure.

 

Visitors to this shrine can expect to swap out their shoes at the service desk in order to walk on the hallowed hardwood floors. And once inside the hall, patrons are asked to stay in their assigned lane and to keep their minds out of the gutter. Visitors are invited to commune with, and observe these proudly erect stationary pins. Some say they can even experience a pinsetters pride while gazing upon these 10 triangularly displayed pins in all their imperturbable glory.  

 

They’re all there: The kingpin, the 7-pin and that rascally 10-pin. See them all spotlighted one by one in their unpainted, undifferentiated and motionless glory – standing at attention and bathed in patriotic light. The bowling pins possess a Presidential eminence despite betraying no movement, no speech and just the thinnest personification beheld in these wooden monoliths. They’re a lot like Calvin Coolidge that way. Keglers sometimes spend the whole day here, buffing there balls and dining on chili dogs at the 11th Frame Snack Bar.

 

Solemnly situated next to the stationary display is the venerated Tomb of the Unknown Bowling Pin. This orphaned and unidentified pin is resting fittingly in an old alley. As befits its status, the Tomb of the Unknown Bowling Pin is dutifully guarded 24/7 by an active-duty Pinsetter squatting at attention and resplendent in a crisp, camouflage bowling shirt. Rain or shine, the elaborate Changing of the Pinsetter ceremony is a well-attended, somber occasion played out every 2 hours or every 300 game – whichever comes first. They say whenever there’s a Changing of the Pinsetter at the Tomb of the Unknown Bowling Pin, you can hear a pin drop.  

 

After emerging from the exhibit, Marty Cliché remarked, “The Hall of Stationary Bowling Pins is right up my alley. The entire experience just bowled me over. It strikes me as a great place to spend spare time.”

 

The Hall has not been without controversy with some calling it a pagan idolization of inanimate objects. This anti-bowling group would like nothing other than to see this Mecca to False Idols knocked down and scattered to the winds while the PBA (Professional Bowlers Association) strenuously disagrees saying, “Whomever shall knock down these pins has gotta have balls.”

 

Disneyland Announces a New Addition to Its Theme Park: Cruella’s Tomb Town

CEO Heralds Cruella’s Tomb Town as “Hilariously Grave”

Coming on the heels of its popular Toon Town, the Walt Disney Corporation announced a ghoulishly new addition called Cruella’s Tomb Town. The delightfully macabre park is overseen by the wicked villainess who shows a cheerier side of herself. The park promises to combine the heart-stopping thrill of graveyard walking with the white-knuckling chill of mortuary science. “You might enter the gates of Tomb Town feeling becalmed, but you’ll leave feeling embalmed,” said Disney CEO Bob Chapek in a cryptic XOOM meeting with shareholders.

Keep your friends close, and your Glenn Close too.

A suitably morose Chapek said he hopes Tomb Town can pick up where Michael Jackson’s Thriller left off, but without all the adolescent sleepovers. “This is going to be bigger than gender reveal parties and kids are going to just love the ice cream served at the Tomb Town Creamatorium – it’s scooped into a cute little urn and sprinkled with Jimmys – Jimmy Hoffa’s.” Then, thinking his XOOM camera was off, Chapek took off his shirt and scratched like an ape.  

Early beta-testing of Tomb Town revealed a few kinks. For example an employee was arrested for indecent exposure while trying to lay a wreath at the grave of Hugh Hefner. Disney brushed off the whole affair as a simple case of “miscommunication.” In another incident, Tinkerbell bitch-slapped a heckling visitor while shouting, “Oh yeah, I’ll show you who’s a fairy.” But all these glitches were ironed out and now Cruella’s Tomb Town is a side-splitting celebration of cemetery satire, a bastion of boffo boneyard absurdity, a mecca of mausoleum mirth and a crypt of killer comedy. Who knew a happily morbid park could do all that?

Cruella’s Tomb Town features such amusing and macabre delights as:

  1. The Hall of Animatronic Caskets where you can hear one casket say to the other, “Is that you coffin?”
  2. Skeletons of the Caribbean – Enjoy a politically incorrect laugh when you hear the Japanese captain announce over the ship’s intercom, “This is your pirate speaking.”
  3. Burial Pyramid of Calvin Burkhart – A tribute to the greatest triangle player the world has ever known
  4. The Urn of Cinder-ella – Talk about return to cinder. On Saturday night the Spice Girls perform and at exactly midnight they all turn into Pumpkin Spice.
  5. The Catacombs of Katy Coombs – They’re not Popes. They’re all Katies. Katies named Coombs. And who created these catacombs? – Katydid.
  6. Bates Motel Attic of Taxidermied Animals – You’ll feel so unclean after viewing them, you’ll want to take a shower right there. Not a good idea. Park managers strongly advise you shower when you get home.
  7. Plot of the Plotters of the Lincoln Assassination – You’ll plotz when you see their dastardly plots
  8. Tomb of Dumbo the Elephant – Or is it the Elephant Man? Either way that’s one helluva trunk.
  9. Cryogenic Crypt of the Cast of Frozen – Careful, there are some real ice-holes buried here
  10. It’s a Really, Really, Really Small World After All – Burial ground for professors of quantum physics
  11. It’s a Tall World After All – Burial ground of former Los Angeles Lakers
  12. See the Tomb of the Unknown Celebrity – You know his face, but you can’t quite remember his name: It’s that guy from, you know, that show where he’s the father of grown-up Opie   
  13. Tomb of the Well Known Vagrant – He accomplished little and amounted to even less, but just like a Cheers customer, everybody knew his name: Boxcar Willie
  14. Grave of Peter Graves – Mission Possible. Very popular with boomers. The grave self-destructs every 5 seconds
  15. Crypts of the Osmonds’ – We know. They’re all still living, but these are the coffins they plan to be buried in. Marie’s is a little bit country and Donny’s is a little bit Rock-n-Roll. Andy Williams is interred nearby.
  16. Main Street Parade – If you thought the choreography in Thriller was stiff, wait till you see the Zombies lurch in this chilling celebration of the afterlife. Sponsored by Caucasian Boogie Co.
  17. OB/GYN Land – Hear Nurse Martin sing: ♫Mary had a little lamb and the doctor was surprised♫
  18. Crypt of the Transgendered Hermaphrodite – It’s a real Journey. ♫Any way you want it. That’s the way you need it. Any way you want it♫  
  19. Buying a Big Box Casket from a Big Box Store – It’s like buying a moo-moo at the Dress Barn. A match made in heaven. Prepare for your post-existing condition today
  20. Cadaverous Food Court – Business is dead and so are half the patrons in this light-hearted look at dining with the deceased. All the fast food restaurants are represented: Scary Queen, Dead Lobster, iHopped and of course the regular version of Waffle House.
  21. See Bodies Lying in State – This mp3 file shows people lying in different states: Iowa, Tennessee and some are even lying in a state of serenity. And while some are lying in state, others are telling the truth. Not recommended for people that don’t like visual puns.
  22. Tomb of the Unknown Narcissist – You really have to watch yourself in this one. Maybe you don’t know who he is, but he sure does. Even when he died he didn’t stray far from his body. Put it this way, when he died he was absolutely beside himself.

CEO Chapek believes the future belongs to the squeamish and that Cruella’s Tomb Town is uniquely positioned to capture this cultural wince factor. With the addition of Cruella’s Tomb Town, we’ll soon discover whether Disney can be both the happiest and ghastliest place on earth.

Disney Reinvents Vacation Bible Schools

Separation of Church and State – yes. But nowhere does it say anything about separation of Church and Mouse. Witness Disney’s all new Promised Land theme park.

These days most kids view Vacation Bible Schools as a sentence to endure rather than a vacation to enjoy. They hope to avoid the drudgery of Deuteronomy by kidsplainin’ to their parents, “C’mon mom, there’s an app for it now.” For many people, Vacation + Bible + School just doesn’t add up. While to some it’s a celebration of scripture, to others it’s a well-intentioned holiday in hell. Separately each word of Vacation Bible School has great merit.  

Vacation: Good. Who doesn’t like a nice long vacation?

Bible: Also Good. Even though today’s modern reader must factor-in the ancient mindset of the benighted authors of the day who had no idea Tater Tots would forever change the way we think about potatoes.  

School: Mostly good. It’s an educational place where you can learn important things like how to ask out girls without having your voice crack.  

So separately the words are all good. But put them all together and what have you got – a recipe for “Is my sentence up yet?”

I doesn’t matter what you call it: Bible Boot Camp, a Vacation with God or a Holiday in Heaven, the words Vacation, Bible and School just don’t fit together – kind of like Reasonable Attorney Fees or Non-Stop Flight. So what is to be done about Vacation Bible Schools’ sagging attendance by an increasingly secular audience? As you might expect, the Walt Disney Company has an answer.   Read the rest of this entry »