Archive for January, 2019
- Wavy Gravy – A stoner classic. It’s a regular gravy lake you stare at, and then you swear it becomes wavy.
- Ham-murmurs and Hot Gods – A hallucinogenic take on America’s favorites. Dyslexilicious. Laminated menu with glossy pictures makes it easy for space cadets to point and order.
- Sue Nami’s Tsunami of Tzatziki Sauce – Who cares how it looks. It spells great.
Smorgasbord of Marshmallow S’mores – As good tasting as it is hard to say
- Limp Biskit Infused with Viagra – With this special batter you can now pour yourself a stiff one.
- Endless Loop of Froot Loops – One simply cannot eat it alone, but toucan.
- Kraft Mellowroni & Cheese – Talk about your comfort food. This soothing dish is a favorite with low budget college kids.
- The Candy Man Did – We always knew the Candy man could. Well, now he has: Everlasting Gobstoppers.
- Lobster with Mother Jones Special Herbs – So good you’ll swear you’re molting.
- MC Escher’s Bottomless Bowl of Tiny Cookies: A jar full of increasingly Tiny Cookies that gradually dissolve into imperceptible granules. Then almost undetectably the cookie crumbs coalesce and start to grow progressively larger as the process repeats itself you come to realize you’re confined to a crummy oscillating universe.
- 22/7 of a Pizza Pi – An irrational, irreducible pizza. In theory it can never be eaten, but it’s fun to try.
- Who Cares What It Is, I’ve Got Serious Munchies – Just know that it’s chewable and non –toxic.
- Beer Battered Bear Balls – You’ll never actually eat one. You’ll just convulse in laughter trying to say, “Please pass the Beer Battered Bear Balls.”
- Kentucky Fried Corn – Makes a kernel proud. You’ll appreciate the play on words in your mouth even if it is kinda corny.
- Tears in My Eyes Maui Onion – Hotter than Kilauea magma, this onion will bring tears to your already red eyes both for its chemical irritant and its superlative, layered beauty.
- Cake – Just generic cake. Eat the whole thing and shut up. You know you love it. Simple carbohydrates will have you chasing prey on the Serengeti like a cheetah. Comes in chocolate and Wildebeest flavor
- Peanut Butter and KY Jelly Muffwich – Again, just eat it and shut up. You know you love it. Comes with a side of Benadryl.
- LGBTQ Rainbow Sherbet – So stunning in its colorfully icy plumage that most just stare slack-jawed until it melts.
- Bacon Grease with Dippy Bread – Artery-hardening liquid joy. Must make out Will prior to eating.
- Denny’s Slam Bam Grand Slam Ham & Clam Jam – Filthily spreadable. Comes with hairless buns.
- Dinfast – That thing when you need to eat continuously from dinner to breakfast. We call it Dinfast. Depending on the time of day we also serve Fastlun and Lunner. Note: Brunch not available
Ripley’s Believe It Museum – A trove of mundane accomplishments from the world of the ordinary. It features a telephone in the shape of a telephone, someone walking and chewing gum and a vacuum that absolutely sucks.
- Museum of Vincent Van Gogh’s Severed Ear – As you might imagine, it’s an eerie experience. At least from what I hear. The great impressionist’s cartilage may or may not be the genuine article, but it gives the impression it’s Van Gogh’s ear. Most feel it’s a prosthetic experience – both the museum and the ear.
- Museum of Weight Loss – It went belly up.
- Hall of Interminable Robocalls – This is that special place in hell everyone refers to. Convicted masterminds of robocalls are sentenced there to an eternity where they are interminably intruded upon. The convicts also time share listening to timeshare presentations.
- Halfway House for Fullbacks – Construction delays left the halfway house halfway built so it could only house quarterbacks
- Museum of All the Arms, Legs and Noses that Have Been Knocked-Off Statues – This museum of disembodied appendages never caught the public’s imagination. Museums of torsos and heads are far more popular. Anything else is just a knock-off.
- Tribute Band Hall of Fame – (Speaking of knock-offs) People didn’t want to pay hard-earned money to see rock paraphernalia from imitation bands. Tribute bands like Nearvana, Led Dirigible, Firearms-n-Flowers, Magenta Floyd, Band Hailin’, Gratified to be Deceased and The Ned Parsons Project just didn’t generate the interest when compared to the real article. Visitors said it was like watching copycat paint dry.
- Font Museum – I didn’t like it – wasn’t my type.
- International Museum of Pancakes –They’re all here: Johnny Cakes, Hoe Cakes, Flap Jacks and Griddle Orbs. All are beautifully preserved in amber urethane. See the pancake that Wolfman Jack was eating when his breakfast was interrupted by Edgar Winter. The Museum has been criticized for trying to stay relevant by co-opting the “no 2 snowflakes are alike” thing and applying it to pancakes. Well it turns out people don’t care if “no 2 pancakes are alike.” They care more about fluffiness, stackability and syrup absorption.
- Airlines to start charging people for carry on. Damn it! That’s going to cost me a fortune. I’ve been carrying on for decades.
- Not only carry on, but now umbrella charges are in effect making it very expensive for Mary Poppins to fly.
- Congregating near the front lavatory not only allowed, but encouraged – as long as the congregation is led by a clergyman
It’s lax at LAX. LAX to screen passengers with one question: “Has anyone else had access to your underwear today?”
- New policy for passengers with service dogs: Dogs must be on a short leash. Humans must be crated.
- In the event of an “unplanned depressurization” overhead oxygen masks will still drop down, but they can only be activated by agreeing to a Reverse Mortgage
- Same holds true for a “planned depressurization”
- During cart service, some drinks may be poured by pilots performing barrel rolls
- Inflight movies must now include both the William Shatner and the John Lithgow versions of Twilight Zone’s “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet”
- Bathrooms now equipped with webcams so airlines can verify people who’ve joined the Mile High Club: A commemorative certificate and a moist towelette are issued for couples achieving the event. Nothing is given for those soloing.
- Seat backs and tray tables must now be kept in the downright and opened positions during take-off and landing. They must be upright and locked during the cruise portion.
- All air sickness bags now pre-filed with yogurt.
- Pants – optional
- Boeing to introduce “Glass bottom fuselages.”
- All inflight magazine must feature a buff centerfold of shirtless Orville and Wilbur Wright riding a bicycle built for 2
- As long as you look disinterested, you may pet the person next to you
- Special seating area in the back for people possessing wide child-bearing hips. Only 2 seats per row instead of 3.
- At their option people may exit via the jet way corridor or a passenger-deployed slidey chute.
- All galleys now equipped with a Walk-thru Starbucks.
- The USS Air Guitar – A USO ship where servicemen can practice their air-guitar playing skills far from the prying eyes of civilian landlubbers. All types of invisible air-instruments: air-tubas, air-triangles, air-kazoos, air drumsticks (chicken and the invisible wooden kind). Kindly note: Playing of the Skin Flute is prohibited.
- The Chantix – Captained by Ray Liotta, this Big Pharma “Safe-Boat” is a place where smokers can go when suffering from the brutal side effects of Chantix. Whether you want to harm yourself or others, The Chantix is a free-floating safe haven for nicotine-deprived desperados. And all in a secure and welcoming environment free from the unforgiving sharpness of metal eating utensils.
The Conversion Therapy – Sail away a Christian and return a Jew. This is just one example of the transformative power of this specialty ship. It works on all types of individuals who want to change their affiliations. Note: Does not work on Gay men. In fact it tends to reinforce the orientation what with all those guys crammed into close quarters on a steamy ship with too few bunks and too many disco balls.
- The Leakey Lucy – This is the aging yacht of the famous family of anthropologists – the Leakey’s. Friends are reluctant to sail on her because they say, “It’s a Leakey boat.” The Leakey family calls these frightened little hominids nothing more than “Neanderthals.” Dr. Richard Leakey has examined the ship from stem to stern and says (not surprisingly), “Even though she’s showing some age, she has really good bones.”
- The STD – Flagship for the CDC (Center for Disease Control). This floating Petri Dish is usually under quarantine, however, the STD and her sister ship the Gonorrhea, are still popular with risk-taking bareback sailors. A word of advice: Stay topside and avoid plunging into the murky world “below decks.”
- HMS Regicide – A killer of a ship. Not very popular with the royal family. Princes check in, but they don’t check out.
- Holy Ship✝ – Thee choice of seafaring Popes and retired Popes too! The Vatican knows it would be easier for Popes to simply part the seas and walk to their destination, but that would be too Holy-wood.
- Holey Ship – Swiss-flagged ship used in transporting their cheese.
- Wholey Foods Ship – Jeff Bezos, pleasure craft/hobby horse. The view is free, but the food is g-astronomical.
- HMS Foreskin – Under no circumcision should men of an uncut disposition board this ship.
- The Lady Marmalade – Party boat for booze cruising
- The Lady Marmalade Light – For those boats, who on the advice of a certified Shipwright, are on a sucrose-restricted diet
- USS Bilge – A service convoy ship. Sailors stay pumped-up while listening to Mary J Blige. Not being glib, but Bilge’s blaring of Blige, obliges all to stay motivated.
- Listing Heavily – What else? The corporate yacht of Craigslist.
- The Bloody Vessel – A Red Cross Hospital Ship, true to its name. Transfusions galore – most of them voluntary.
- The Capsized Challenge – The upside down brainchild of the Escape Room people, this inverted floating tomb is straight outta the Poseidon Adventure. You mission is to restore her to right side up in less than an hour or join Davy Jones in his locker. ♫There’s got to be a morning after♫
- The Metastatic – Owned by the American Medical Association. The ship grows on you very quickly, although everyone is in complete denial about it.
- “My Other Ship is a Cadillac” – A simple fishing trawler. For those who aspire to greater vehicles
- The #metoo – She’s a beautiful and worthy ship. Advised you don’t touch anything on board without permission.
- Frigate, I’m Angry – An ideal vessel for offloading your unmitigated hostility into international waters where it belongs
- The Yellow Submarine – Very popular with cartoon characters and piloted by Captain Crunch.
- The Border Wall Avoider – An unregistered speed boat. The crew of 2 is capable of cramming 15 “passengers” into the “cargo hold” designed for a set of golf clubs. Ideal for one way trips.
- Can-do Canoe – The size of a Swiss Army knife, this multi-function Can-do Canoe can open beer bottles, clean teeth and shock telemarketers from a distance. Must have a gung-ho, fired-up, can-do attitude to operate.
- Crawling Trawler – Powered by snails, this slow moving Trawler travels at (you guessed it) a snail’s pace. We don’t know why, but the company literature warns: “Do not get it wet.”
Types of Legislatures by Locale
1. Washington DC – Bicameral Legislature: 2 Legislative Bodies. The House of Representatives and the Senate
2. Nebraska – Unicameral: One Legislative Body
3. Hershey, PA – Chocolate Caramel: Caramel Center enclosed in a House of Chocolate
4. Egypt – Bactrian Camel: Single Hump Legislature operates only on Wednesday (Hump Day)
5. Saudi Arabia – Dromedary Camel: Two Hump Legislature. Elected officials will walk a mile for them.
6. Old Soviet Union – Polit Bureau: The Bureau where apparatchiks gathered to use their rubber stamp
7. Russia – Put In Bureau: I’m sorry, it’s Putin Bureau. Where elected officials put in what Putin says.
8. Japan – The Japanese Diet: I’m not kidding. It’s actually called the Diet. And when Japan needs to rein in spending it’s called the Austerity Diet.
9. Germany – The Bundestag: Again, actual name. The Bundestag. German is such a beautiful language.
10. Iceland – The Frigidaire: Alright so I made that one up. So sue me.
Ray Liotta’s agent is getting him some choice parts these days like the smoking cessation commercial for Chantix.
1. Chantix may cause urine to form swear words in the toilet.
2. If you’re not currently a communist, you will be after taking Chantix.
3. Chantix is not recommended for aging actors hoping to spawn new careers.
4. After your 4th dosage you’ll realize Minnie Ripperton’s song “Lovin’ You” is about her daughter Maya Rudolph.
5. Whether you take Chantix or not you will Google #4.
No, not Micky, Davy, Peter and Mike. That’s the ♫Hey, hey we’re the Monkees♫ and a 50-year old reference to boot. The monkeys I’m referring to are the macaque monkeys whose habitat includes Snow Monkey Park in the thermal springs resort area of the Japanese Alps where the 1998 Winter Olympics were held. One doesn’t usually associate monkeys with Japan – especially Snow Monkeys luxuriating in hot tubs – but having heard tale of these Asiatic monkeys (a prehensile tail one presumes), my inquisitive nature drew me to their habitat. I guess in some sense I was Curious David.
The Journey to Snow Monkey Park
My lovely wife Karin (who I’m very grateful to call a willing cohabitant) and I decided we’d visit Japan. At least partially, because at 6’4”, I wanted to go someplace where I’d feel even taller. This may seem a peculiar criterion to some, but I’ve always enjoyed looming and/or towering and it’s much easier to tower in the Land of the Not Quite Risen People than it is here in the States.
In researching our journey I discovered we’d have to fly to Japan because the land bridge I’d planned on using to walk across the Bering Isthmus had vanished into the sea some 15,000 years ago. I have got to keep up on geologic events – even though many of them move at a glacial pace. Still, how did I miss that? So although this discovery was a setback, at least I now had my Berings Strait. As tour director and planning engine, Karin already knew this, but was wise enough to give me a long enough leash whereby I’d exhaust myself in frivolous research and then happily surrender to her well-planned itinerary. We flew non-stop from KLAX to RJAA (Tokyo) in only 11 hours. But with feedings, movies and pee breaks, it went by like 38 hours. Read the rest of this entry »
As the New Year dawns I feel I must inform my friends of the resolution I’ve made – and no, it’s not the sexual reassignment surgery. The reports of my gender dysphoria have been greatly exaggerated.
No, this New Year I resolve not to be funny anymore. For some, like Dana and Sandy, who never got my humor to begin with, there’ll be no change. For others, who tolerated my humor with an easily maintained stiff upper lip, it will be a welcomed relief. And finally for those whose daily moods rise and fall on the analgesic potency of my so-called humor, well, we’ll always have 2018.
So here’s to promoting an Equilibrious New Year to everyone, everywhere. Let us carry on smartly, stoically and soberly.
Perhaps next year when it’s 2020 we’ll have a clearer vision of things.