Archive for December, 2016
“Spike Lee to make an all-Black version of Hogan’s Heroes,” trumpeted the headline in Variety.
As I breathlessly absorbed those sweet words that I’d waited almost 50 years to read, a lump the size of a Sherman Tank began to grow in my throat. Could this really be happening? I mean it wasn’t the Beatles getting back together, but it was close. One of my fondest boyhood memories was cozying up to the TV on Friday night at 8:30 to watch experience Hogan’s Heroes. The show had everything the pure heart of a 6 year old boy yearned for: good army men outsmarting bad army men, a bunch of secret agent GI Joes camping out in a barrack, and plenty of pretty frauliens inexplicably parading about in a backwater POW camp – who cared if it didn’t make sense? It made me happy. Still does. This new Spike Lee Hogan’s Heroes would make me even happier.
- Yorkshire Terrorist – Won’t stop yapping till they get their wet food
- She Wow Wow – Sofia Vergara-influenced breed
- Lhasa Ipso Facto – Asian lawyers’ favorite dog
- Angela Basset Hound – Ike Turner had something to do with its creation
- Alaskan Mostlymute – Rarely barks
- Uaintnuthin’butta Hound Dog – Found mostly in the South, Cryin’ all the time
- Teacup St. Bernard – A contradiction in terms. Like jumbo shrimp.
- Borderline Collie – Not quite a Collie, but close
- Cocker Doodle Doo – Howls when the sun comes up
- Chilean Sea Basset Hound – A sub-species of Dogfish. Sleeps on a bed of spinach.
- Greenish Retriever – Not quite green, looks seasick, recycles
- Nissan – Formerly Dachsund (Get it? Datsun became Nissan)
- Hairless Sheep Dog – A frightening-looking animal. At least it doesn’t shed.
- Mess Hall Chow – Featuring its trademark Blue Tongue Special
- Belgian Airhead – (courtesy of Steve Martin)
- Random Doodle – exists only on paper and, fittingly, does it on the paper
- Jewish Shepherd – Enjoys Flocks and Bagels
- Not-so-Great Dane – Underachieving Scandinavian canine.
- Shih Tzu! – God Bless You.
- Nikita – Nike’s corporate repurposing of the Akita breed. All Nikitas are named Swoosh.
- Miniature Toy Chihuahua – Due to size challenges, must be raised under an electron microscope
What better way to begin someone’s biography than for its author to prattle on about himself. I mean it’s important to break some literary rules, but to do it so shoddily seems rather unseemly and I don’t want to seem unseemly. I’d prefer to seem seemly. I’m stalling because I can’t possibly capture the multi-dimensionality of my dear friend Chris Gage’s human experience, so rather than attempting to paint a rich portrait of a man in full, I’m going to paint a diluted snapshot of a man in 1/16th. I believe by setting the bar this low (capturing 6.25% of Chris) I set a metric (we don’t set goals anymore – we meet metrics) suitable to my talents. Besides, if this mini-bio flies off the shelves or, more likely, is digitally uploaded into people’s Kindles, I can follow it up with 15 more volumes at 6.25% each. With great swagger I might pause here and state, “You do the math,” but as you can see, I’ve already done it. Why do I undermine myself and then advertise it? Well at least you know what you’re dealing with here. Read the rest of this entry »