Archive for July, 2016

Judaism to be Shuttered as Jews Decide to “Throw in the Torah.”

We're doing what? Who knew?

We’re doing what? Who knew?

Judaism, a 4000 year old monotheistic religion whose deepest expression can be found in the music of Neil Diamond, has decided to call it quits citing: “Enough already.” It’s just the latest case of a major institution opting out of the global hierarchy in what some religious scholars are calling a “Jewxit.” Jews from holocaust the world…I mean Jews from all across the world decided to shutter their religion after almost 4000 years of unleavened success. It seems a slow-forming consensus had developed among Temple elders who advised followers to, “stop being so damn Jewish and get on with your lives already.” In a surprising show of solidarity, Zionists applauded the move by throwing in their yarmulkes and snipping off their curly little side ringlets as they began a process of moving to a new Promised Land where they hoped to buy lots wholesale – proving once again that old habits do indeed die hard. The closure becomes official once everyone gets back their deposits on the Bar Mitzvah halls. Read the rest of this entry »

Forefathers: They’re Just Like Us

George Washington: austere, exemplary and horny as hell.

George Washington: austere, exemplary and horny as hell.

Would you believe George Washington slipped his new bride the aphrodisiac Spanish Fly or that he had a porno stash that would make Hugh Hefner blush? Well just like George Washington couldn’t tell a lie, neither can I because everything I’ve written is true. Yes, the Father of our Country was not only an intrepid patriot, but he was also a gentleman horndog. Let me explain. George Washington’s gallant passions are all spelled out in decidedly non-lurid fashion in Ron Chernow’s book entitled Washington. Upon marrying that plump little vixen Martha (the richest widow in Virginia) in 1759, George Washington took the same derring-do he brought to the battlefield, to the bedroom. For example, George Washington braved great risk in conquering the fleshy desires of his new bride with the aphrodisiac Spanish Fly because, at that time, colonial Virginia was a No Fly Zone.   Read the rest of this entry »