Forefathers: They’re Just Like Us

George Washington: austere, exemplary and horny as hell. George Washington: austere, exemplary and horny as hell.

Would you believe George Washington slipped his new bride the aphrodisiac Spanish Fly or that he had a porno stash that would make Hugh Hefner blush? Well just like George Washington couldn’t tell a lie, neither can I because everything I’ve written is true. Yes, the Father of our Country was not only an intrepid patriot, but he was also a gentleman horndog. Let me explain. George Washington’s gallant passions are all spelled out in decidedly non-lurid fashion in Ron Chernow’s book entitled Washington. Upon marrying that plump little vixen Martha (the richest widow in Virginia) in 1759, George Washington took the same derring-do he brought to the battlefield, to the bedroom. For example, George Washington braved great risk in conquering the fleshy desires of his new bride with the aphrodisiac Spanish Fly because, at that time, colonial Virginia was a No Fly Zone.  

 

Although far from being a colonial template for John & Yoko, the newlyweds were by no means prudish. In Washington, Chernow catalogues George Washington’s first post-nuptial order to London: four ounces of Spanish Fly, a popular aphrodisiac derived from dried beetles. And at some point that year George Washington also drew up a list of books inherited from the Custis estate (Martha’s deceased husband Daniel Custis). This list may disclose something of the amorous interests of Daniel and Martha Custis – interests George Washington would soon capitalize upon. Two books in the list stand out for their lechery: Conjugal Lewdness: or Matrimonial Whoredom by Daniel Defoe and The Lover’s Watch: or the Art of Making Love by Aphra Behn. These books were the 50 Shades of Grey, back in the day when churning butter was considered foreplay.

George Washington’s study at his Mount Vernon plantation was a private room reserved solely for his contemplative/secretarial activities. It was located beneath the Washington’s 2nd floor love nest and accessed via a private staircase. One has difficulty picturing Farmer George going through his meticulously kept farm logs and, having closed them, rotating his tricorn hat one turn and transforming himself into Horny George while rifling through his copy of Matrimonial Whoredom and making plans to penetrate his little Miss Muffet’s Tuffet later that evening. George Washington did all this in order to whet the sexual appetite of his dearest Martha and perhaps thereby wetting some other part of her too.

This unthinkable juxtaposition of patriot and pervert produces a wince factor on par with accidentally seeing one’s parents having sex or worse; purposely watching one’s parents having sex. It’s just wrong, wrong, wrong. Thinking of George Washington calculatedly slipping his beloved Martha a Spanish Fly like Dr. Huxtable might do, is enough to swear me off ever again buying a mattress at a so-called Presidential mattress sale. And I really like mattresses. In fact I don’t know if I’m even comfortable having pictures of him in my wallet so close to my personal seat of power. And to this day, whenever I look at Washington’s Monument I’m never sure if that rock hard column is going to erupt.

 

Soil Me Verbally: Speculations on the Erotic Dialogue between George and Martha Washington

Martha: Get over here you big uncured Virginia ham you. Your First Lady has got a cure for you.

George: (doing his best to affect dirty talk) As you wish sweet Madam whose buxom presence arouses me to prodigious lengths. And might I just add, I find your milk maid costume quite arresting.

Martha: Oh yes Destroyer of Hessians; fly me to the moon.

George: How about I fly you to Spain? In any event my good madam, may I earnestly suggest we undertake the activity bespoken of on page 37 of Matrimonial Whoredom?

Martha: We accomplished that feat only a fortnight ago my Slayer of Dragoons. Let’s try page 47 instead. I’ll get the tuffet. But this time take out your teeth and just gum me. Last time you left splinters.

George: ‘Tis true love. Tis true. Allow me to interject that we might heighten our erotic arousal if we both removed our wigs.

Martha: Yes. It’s true love by George!

 

All Good Things Come…To an End

It is my belief that towards the end of his life he never thought his slaves (or “my people” as he called them) would one day rise up and publish a magazine called Jet. Nor did he ever conceive that in the future it would be commonplace to combine peanut butter and jelly.”  Such was the era of this shrewd husbandman who in flush times could analyze the health of his vineyard at a glance: “A robust bunch of grapes whose pendulous bulbosity is positively testicular.”

And when the great chieftain died in 1799 he was famously eulogized by General Henry “Light-Horse Harry” Lee with these immortal words:

George Washington First in War, First in Peace, and First in the Hearts of his Countrymen

 

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