- Silicon Valley’s premiere psychological recycling center for the burnt out tech worker
- Asylum-like residences in a luxurious clinical environment located on Alcatraz Island
- Patient-run since the uprising in 2014
- 1 and 2 bedroom cells available in 6 month or 1 year sentences
Happily situated on “The Rock” in San Francisco Bay, Sanitarium Village Apartments are newly rehabilitated; just like you will be after your stay here. Our team of MotherBoard Certified clean room technicians will help defrag your central processing unit so you stop crashing. We’re like Mental Floss for your DOS. Our gated sanctuary is far, far away from the troubling demands of the binary mainland. The gates are designed to keep out the prying eyes of your company’s HR Dept., and, more importantly, to keep in the PTTD (Post Traumatic Tech Disorder) residents we supervise.
Webcam-equipped residences ensure Big Brother is always watching; always guiding. Drop down Taser stations located in the ceiling render misbehavior an impossibility. Our smartly designed living space ensures you’ll never have to lift a finger, especially if you’re in a “timeout” straitjacket. And with our new micro-harpoon technology, medications are always administered on time, every time. And that’s why we say Sanitarium Village Apartments are “A blast of compressed air for your mental keyboard.” We’ve partnered with the Department of Interior to make certain the unruly herd of Tech Workers is properly thinned.
So if you’re a buck or a doe in need of close supervision in a comfortably padded environment, have we got a password-protected cell for you. Toggle off your troubled world and toggle on Sanitarium Village Apartments!
Note: In order to mirror the high-tech, computerized environment you’re familiar with, all Sanitarium Village Apartments feature the following amenities:
- A firewall between each cell
- No-Fi always available so you never have to worry about connecting to the Internet
- Anti-virus linens
- Electrified sink drains as a reminder not to urinate into them
- During times of instability your apartment can be operated in Safe Mode
- Fiber detecting toilets alert you if you’re not getting enough roughage in your diet
- Community Staring Parlors: Allows adult residents to engage in hours of consensual, uninterrupted eye contact
Tenant Qualification Letter
Dear Future Asylum Resident
Asylum Properties is a partially accredited mental health care facility designed specifically for the frazzled high tech worker who has shattered the success envelope and, in the process, shattered themselves. It is a haven for those disillusioned souls who’ve discovered that not only is there little satisfaction in having everything – there’s really no place to put it.
Are you a candidate for Sanitarium Village’s blast of purifying air?
We believe it’s important to establish harmony between a resident and their assigned “keeper.” To affect this, we’ve formulated a personality assessment designed to discover whether you’re a candidate for pampered confinement in our state-of-the-art, high-density housing. Our “Concentration Camp” environment allows you to focus so you can be restored to your former timbre. Please be truthful in answering these questions if for no other reason than we have your Social Security #:
Sanitarium Village Monophasic Personality Test
- Do you feel like you’ve been run through a paper shredder or a wood chipper?
- Are you such a piece of work that even though you believe in God; he doesn’t believe in you?
- Exclusive of fairs or sporting events have you ever eaten a corn dog as a meal?
- Have you ever – y’know? Well…have you?
- Will you promise to limit your use of curry?
- And finally, will you sign legal documents waiving rights to a trial and submitting any disputes to our arbitration panel?
Answers may be submitted in written form, as an interpretive dance, or in the form of a Japanese brush stroke painting. To bypass the test entirely and guarantee a spot in your “Room with a Clue” send a $100,000 cashier’s check payable to 1984 Industries.
Sanitarium Village Apartments located on Alcatraz Island…A Way of Lifer
When your system has crashed and you require a haven from the broadband chaos of a click-baited world; remember Sanitarium Village Apartments is a blast…of compressed air for your mental keyboard. Come join us on historic Alcatraz Island and were sure you’ll become a “Lifer” just like everyone else.
Author’s Addendum: Seems I’m not alone in repurposing the Island’s buildings. Alcatraz Apartment Spoof