April, 2021 | davidhardiman.com

Archive for April, 2021

***Conversation Stoppers***

1. Karl: Call me sentimental, but I always carry some of my mother’s ashes with me.
    Hans: I thought you said your mother was still alive?
    Karl: Oh, she is.
2. Boy oh boy, my probation officer can really go through a roll of toilet paper.
3. Harold: Phil, what did you mean by I’d “look good in a halter top”?
     Phil: Let’s just forget I ever said that OK Harold?
4. George: Hey Calvin, I’m really sorry about your bathroom in the basement.
    Calvin: There is no bathroom in my basement.
5. It makes perfect sense that the Flemish are snotty. And if they can’t take a joke then phleg-m

Sponsored: Today I’m raisin awareness for National Dried Grape Day! Honor this day by purchasing some dried grapes or spending an hour in the bathtub.

Dave’s Oscar Wrap Party

One of a kind statue. In fact it’s eunuch.

Notes from the Self-congratulatory

  1. Glenn Close lost for Best Supporting Actress. She was close though. She always is. After all, she is Glenn Close.
  2. It was later revealed she declined a marriage proposal from Glen Campbell because she didn’t want to be known as Glenn Campbell.
  3. The rudderless, host-less ceremony had former hosts Bob Hope, Johnny Carson and Billy Crystal spinning in their graves. And even though Billy Crystal is still alive, he was so offended he went out and bought a casket just so he could spin in sympathy with Hope and Carson.
  4. WTPC (Way Too Politically Correct): If you looked closely you could see that all the Oscar statuettes were wearing little tiny masks
  5. In what can only be recognized as the 2nd sign of the apocalypse, the queen of cinema, Meryl Streep was neither nominated nor in attendance. Be worried. Be very worried.
  6. Best Picture winner Nomadland surprised, but did not anger little children, who when asked their thoughts said, “Me surprised, but no mad.”
  7. Maybe I’m getting old (alright I am getting old), but I didn’t know 90% of the attendees in the audience. I’ve never seen so many strangers on camera since they showed a crowd shot of the Super Bowl. Would large print name tags be so god awful?
  8. Sir Anthony Hopkins, who won for Best Actor, was a no-show. Rumour (yes, the English spelling)…Rumour has it he was holed-up with Ms. Streep. Now I’m just in outright panic mode.
  9. I propose next year’s show be more of an extravaganza hosted by the descendants of Hollywood mogul Louis B Mayer. That way it would be an Oscar-Mayer production. Hot Dog! Now I’m in picnic mode.

What’s in Your Spice Rack? –  The Many Flavors of Sex

Archaeologists theorize that humans have been having sex since man began walking erect. The following is an analysis of the many flavors of sexual expression: 

  1. Vanilla Sex – No known cure for this wildly popular and traditional flavor. Sex is a hunger that can only be satisfied temporarily, even though when it is satisfied, it feels like you’ll never be hungry for it again. Sexual archaeologists call this absurd choreography of human love, “the feelgood act of the last 200 million years.” As bad as things can get in this world, one can always point to sex and say, “Well, there it is in all its inexplicable ecstasy; and the beauty part is, it’s free (usually).
  2. Cumin Sex – Cumin together is a rare and powerful moment
  3. Pumpkin Spice Sex – Seasonal friskiness perfumed with the aroma of Autumnal Splendor. Available in Hallmark or Lifetime
  4. Posh Spice Sex – It’s what David Beckham & Victoria Beckham enjoy

    Bend it like Beckham and maybe you’ll also wind up Posh. 

    4.5 Ginger Sex – Now that Marianne has left us one can still fantasize about Ginger

  5. White Claw Sex – It hurt so good it made me spritz
  6. Aural Sex – I’ve heard it’s good. Maybe a little earie, but good.
  7. Consensual Sex – It’s how people in text books have sex
  8. Heinz 57 Varieties Sex – Although variety is the spice of life, most people stop at #27 because they usually pull a muscle.
  9. G-Rated Nerd’s Description of Post-Coital Sex – “My, my Rowena, that escalated and deescalated quickly”
  10. Franken Sex – Not what you think, you monster. Franken Sex is when you have sex w/Al Franken
  11. Love Potion #9 Sex Spell – A great hex for great sex
  12. Nutmeg Sex – Happens if the partner is a nutty woman named Meg. Also true with Hazel.
  13. Red Clover Sex – We suggest you try it repeatedly until it becomes Crimson and Clover, over and over.
  14. Shamrock Shake Sex – So sweet and so satisfying, it leaves others green with envy and saying, “I rish” I had a Shamrock Shake.
  15. Squishy, Squishy, Squishy – I don’t really know what I mean here, I just like to say, Squishy, Squishy, Squishy.

Museums That Won’t Be Reopening Post-COVID

  1. The Museum of Unionized Worker Bees – Feel all warm and fuzzy watching Worker Bees toil, knowing they’re earning a living wage and have weekends off. Testimonial: Sting says, “Hive visited it and the buzz is justified.”
  2. The Museum of Onionized French Soup – If you think this museum is cheesy, you’re right. From age 6 to 12…I mean…Fromage 6 to 12 months old is used.
  3. The Museum of Ants that are Aunts – Genealogical arthropod wranglers pair ant nieces and nephews with their ant aunts. This museum has more personality than North Korea. Carpenter ants say, “They nailed it.”
  4. Museum of Monkey’s Uncles – Slated to close. Curator taken aback by surprise announcement saying, “Well I’ll be a Monkey’s Uncle.”
  5. The Museum of 64 Year-old Vanna White’s 1987 Playboy Pictorial – This Museum is guaranteed to turn heads. Everything is done to the letter.

    If this picture bore some relation to the list, I might have something. As it is, I’m just an American Idle.

  6. The Museum of How Jesus Christ Might Appear if He Were Alive Today – Spoiler Alert: It’s Bradley Cooper
  7. The Museum of Subatomic Particles – Are they even trying here? It’s just an empty room. You’re told they’re all in there (muons, quarks, bosons). The docents just keep encouraging visitors to, “Squint really hard.” Highlights include random Dust Bunnies that frolic as haphazardly as Einstein’s hair.
  8. The Museum of Tom Jones’ Concert-used, Sweat-stained Handkerchiefs – Straight from Caesar’s Palace to your museum’s refrigerated display cases. When Mr. Jones was asked if this arrangement was a bit peculiar, he emphatically replied, “It’s not unusual.”
  9. The Museum of Torn Ticket stubs – Includes torn tickets from Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice concerts. In a ridiculously redundant practice, it even has torn ticket stubs from The Museum of Torn Ticket Stubs.
  10. The Museum of Game Worn….I ran out of ideas on this one. Make up your own joke and get back to me.
  11. The Museum of Discarded Starbucks Cups – They’re all there: Generic seasonal Holiday cups that all but cancel traditional Christmas, Pumpkin Spice cups that all but make us want to hang up and dial 911.
  12. The Landfill Museum – Warning: Don’t be fooled. It’s not a museum. It’s really just the Truxton Landfill charging you money to come in and tramp around. It is said that the landfill’s owners are white trash. They call the accusation, “Garbage.” The entire enterprise stinks to high heaven.  
  13. Audio Museum of Unnecessary Medical Advice – Listen to hours of recordings of businesses unrelated to health care, advise callers that “If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and call 911.”
  14. The Museum of Outtakes from the Audio Museum of businesses with nothing to do with health care saying, “If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and put your head between your knees and kiss your ass good-bye.”
  15. Audio Museum of Unnecessary Phone Tree Navigation Advice – Listen to hours of recordings where businesses advise callers to “Please listen carefully as some of our options have changed.”
  16. The Museum of Remembering to Love One Another…Consensually – And to remember: We’re all just visitors.

Newly Discovered Vitamins & Minerals

  1. Vitamin B3.14 – This appetite-suppressing vitamin reduces the desire for pi
  2. Vitamin B911 – This newly synthesized B-Complex memory-blocker, helps a person to live a normal life after accidentally seeing their grandmother naked.

    10 year-old boy after ingesting these newly discovered vitamins and minerals.

  3. Vitamin Bat Sh*t – This Common Sense Logic-blocker allows the weak-willed to attach themselves to any number of discredited conspiracy theories and believe them as gospel. Vitamin Bat Sh*t is found in abundance in the South’s municipal water systems.
  4. Xanthan Gum – Not a necessary nutrient. I just like to draw attention to words that begin with X, but are pronounced as “Z.” Do you copy what I’m saying? – Xerox. My son Xavier, who plays the xylophone, feels similarly. Note: Xanthan Gum is chewy. I’m sorry. I meant to say that Xanthan Gum is available at Chewy.
  5. Plutonium – Scientists are unclear as to the function of this unstable, fissile element. The PAL (Plutonium Advisory League) recommends a daily nano-dash of this radioactive material to help build patchy hair and bulging goiters. Note: Plutonium supplements should only be taken with a glass of heavy water
  6. Mother Marium – Not a significant source of solace. Studies show it may lessen the severity of hammertoe.
  7. Copper – Also not a significant source of solace. In fact it’s really just a slang underworld term for a 1930s policeman.
  8. VitaminD – Not Vitamin D, but VitaminD. This cerebral accelerator allows the consumer to see through walls and even meet their inner child. Note: May contain LSD. Note to the note: Probably is LSD. Note to the note to the note: Alright, it is LSD – now go and enjoy.
  9. Vita Vini Vidi Vici – Allows unsophisticated rubes to sound like they know how to speak Latin
  10. ItaminVa – Same a Vita Vini Vidi Vici, but with Pig Latin
  11. Vitamin See – Promotes superior vision. Some anti-vaxxer types avoid it, but it prevents scurvy if you’re nervy.
  12. Frolic Acid – Sister compound to Folic Acid. Frolic Acid is reported to make older couples friskier. In Mayberry, it was the go-to supplement for Aunt Bea whenever Mr. Whipple visited.
  13. Iron-E – A placebo iron supplement contains neither Iron nor Vitamin E, hence the irony of Iron-E
  14. Molybdenum – No known benefit for this rare earth element. I just like to celebrate a word that contains the consecutive letters l-y-b-d. It’s remarkable that those random consonants “l-y-b-d” could somehow be a connective bridge for an actual word. This alphabetic kink of mine is not unlike the Xanthan Gum “Z” thing in #3. My Holy Grail of alphabetic curiosities however, is to find a naturally occurring word that contains the consecutive letters L-G-B-T-Q. Maybe Molgbtqenum? – a rare gender-identity element. It is theorized that people with too much Molgbtqenum could impregnate a statue.       And you’re right – It’s not easy being me, but it is a whole lotta fun.
  15. Love Beam – Get on it. Stay on it. Don’t look back. Duality may be gaining on you.