Author Archive

COVID Curious? Personal Ads in the Time of the Coronavirus

Same as it ever was. The neverending urge to merge. 

Despite social distancing, quarantining and living every day like we’re in solitary confinement, we humans (and that’s most of you) remain desirous of intimate company. And although the invisibly menacing world of teeny-tiny viruses stand ready to devastate our dampest membranes (both in the lungs and in the loins), the sexual imperative will not be denied. The God-given urge to get naked with a loved one and perform the Heimlich maneuver is always in vogue – and in many other magazines too. And even though we are aware of the rational arguments against risky exposure, the absurd choreography of human love yearns to perform its irrational dance with a willing partner.

 

The underachieving and overbearing year of 2020 is driving us crazy. We were underprepared and overwhelmed by the Coronavirus, social injustices and the whole Aunt Jemima thing. By April, most of us were already asking for a “do over.” And as if 2020 hasn’t been cuckoo enough, you know what else drives us crazy? – the sex drive. It doesn’t so much drive us crazy as it drives us to distraction. You don’t even need a license to drive it – hormones will gladly steer the sex drive onto some very sketchy assfault. Since we all feel the urge to merge, it’s best to get a grip on yourself (or at least the steering wheel) and choose the merge lane that feels best for you.

BTW, I’ve never seen a hormone. I’ve heard one. But I’ve never seen one. Read the rest of this entry »

We asked 28 Socially Distant Grandchildren, “What name do you call your grandmother when she’s not around?” Their responses and explanations proved startling:

  1. 130 is the new 75. Former Fine Arts professor Agatha Cranston studied Cezanne – in person.

    Nana with the See-thru Hands – She’s the best, but at this point she’s like looking at an X-ray

  2. Insta-Gram – It’s what I called my new grandma when I was first adopted into the family
  3. My Inheritance – I love her and everything but c’mon, daddy needs a new Honda
  4. Crystal Methuselah – She’s very old and she used to have a little drug problem
  5. Prunella – Oh my sweet and shriveled Nana. Why must you age?
  6. Grammykins – My cuddly name for her. Especially if the Grammys are on that night.
  7. Glam-Ma – She’s still very good-looking. Some friends even tell me she’s a GMILF. Whatever that is.
  8. Milky-Eyed Matriarch – I mean whoa…”Got Grandma?”
  9. Smells like Geriatric Spirit – Just applying the Nirvana classic to Granny’s unique aroma
  10. Runs with Depends – What I call my active Navajo Indian grandmother who likes to jog
  11. GrAnnie Oakley – She’s a big 2nd amendment supporter. It’s like “Granny get your gun.”
  12. Still Life with a Heartbeat – She’s a former Fine Arts professor who once studied Cezanne – in person!
  13. Gramnesia – She sometimes forgets who I am.
  14. Grandmummy – It’s what I call my Egyptian grandma
  15. Make Nonni Great Again – She’s losing it and she loves Trump.
  16. Nonni Nonni Luftballoons – My German grandma’s whose last name is actually Luftballoon
  17. Gram Cracker – Grandma is from the deep South and she holds certain antiquated prejudices
  18. Ba-Nana – Her first name Barbara, and she’s a grandma…you do the math.
  19. Grandpa – You know how Grandmas tend to grow those chin hairs with age?
  20. Kombucha Babushka – My Russian Grandma who drinks healthy beverages
  21. ♫Hold Your Head Up, Woman♫ – What can I say? The dear woman’s head lolls to one side.
  22. Catena with the Flaring Nostrils – I wish it were different, but she ain’t exactly ♫Nancy with the Laughing Face♫
  23. Baba Ganoush – Well, her last name is actually Ganoush, and she likes the eggplant spread too.
  24. Drama Grama – She used to teach acting classes so I thought the name fitting
  25. My Favorite Neanderthal – She’s really old. Anthropologically old. She still calls the continents Pangea; and Jesus as, “That nice boy from Nazareth.”
  26. That musty old woman who once stuck her tongue down my throat – Thank God she was only a Step-Grandmother and not blood.
  27. Candy Dish of Interconnected Sweets – So what if she kept an old, dusty dish of hard candy around that, over the years, metastasized into one benign aggregate mass of candy. When she grew up, the woman had no candy.
  28. Blue Hair with Feathers – My Cherokee Indian grandmother after the beauty parlor

Are You a Genius?

Look at the jumble of letters below and see if you can find the hidden phrase so important in this age of the Coronavirus. Takes most people 10 minutes:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAANETFLIXISYOURFRIENDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

It’s Getting a Little Crazy Out There (actually “in here”)

“Somehow I just cant get it through my head that today is Tuesday.”

It’s called Stir Crazy.
The following is based on surreal events:
So I called 9-1-1.
A machine answered and said, “If this is a medical emergency please hang-up and dial 9-1-1.”
What the…?
This went on for hours.
I mean, this went on 4 hours.

***Coronavirus Update*** Notes from Around the Globe

1. This whole social spacing thing is nothing new to me. People are always telling me to keep my distance.
2. Banks to relax “shoot to kill” order when people enter banks wearing masks
3. Some people have been cocooning so long they’ve emerged from their homes as butterflies
4. Most in demand job: Epitaph writers. And that’s my last word on the subject.
5. Andrew Cuomo has never been sexier – and that’s not an easy thing to do
6. Shortage of embalming fluid allows bottlers to finally empty warehouses of all that unsold Zima
7. Kissing Booth industry devastated by Coronavirus. Now using wax lips.
8. Dogs are Confused and Weary: “Even I don’t need this much attention,” growled Rover. “C’mon people. You’re walking me 6 times a day. Enough already I’m dry. I’m empty. I have no more contributions to offer the little sapling near the swing set. And another thing, take a lesson from me. Have you ever noticed how much toilet paper I use?”
9. Number 9 quarantined by the CDC
10. Cardiac Monitor industry is suffering. It’s now on life support. If it gets any worse they’ll flat line. But they won’t ever know it because there aren’t enough Cardiac Monitors to go around.
11. Rod Belcher of Overland Park, Kansas summarizes the enter Coronavirus pandemic from its genesis to its current state: “Some shopkeeper in an open air market in Wuhan, China decides to expand his unrefrigerated meat case to include wombat cutlets. The next thing you know I’m down to using 1 square of toilet paper per flush. Why can’t they just buy cellophane wrapped meat like the rest of us?”
12. Shortage of long johns creates longing for slim Jims. Makes no sense. Neither does our enforced incarceration. I mean at some point we’re going to be released from house arrest – and we won’t even have a prison record. Crazy.
13. At first they all laughed when I said I wanted to study in Antarctica. Now who’s laughing (and really, really cold)?
14. Hermits everywhere agree: “Welcome to our world. Where, what you call Social Distancing, we call Tuesday.”
15. Trump awards 2 Congressional Medals of Honor to Netflix. “They’re doing tremendous, tremendous work. Twice as good as I hoped and that’s why I’m giving them 2 medals.”
16. This just in: Jimmy Osmond, the youngest Osmond brother, has marked himself as safe even though he says, “Marie keeps bugging me.”
17. Business as Usual: Against federal orders XFL restarts season. Same amount of fans attending as before – none.
18. Adult Film Industry making little progress in trying to find ways of eroticizing people poking each other with 6 foot poles.
19. Comic Con convention suddenly doesn’t seem that important. And it wasn’t that important to begin with.
20. Even with all this time on my hands, I still can’t seem to get through “The Irishman”
21. This UFC Statement Went Viral: “Coronavirus thinks it’s so tough. Nah man. In a cage match, Spanish Influenza would kick Coronaviruses ass.”
22. Somehow Kellogg’s 23th new flavor formulation of the Cheez-It just doesn’t excite me right now. Who cares about Calvin Coolidge Ranch Cheez-Itz?
23. Not interested in seeing an Instagram of Vanilla Ice singing “Ice Ice Baby” to raise awareness of Vanilla Ice. Mango Ice Yes. Vanilla Ice, meh. Cardi B is the only one that speaks for me (when I have the Closed Captions on) otherwise I can’t understand her at all.
24. And finally, because you don’t waste things (even half-baked ideas like these) during these unnerving times, I’ve included the following: In a poll of Polish Pole Dancers most wanted to remain in Romania disguised as hungry Hungarians eating Greece-y Turkey on Laos-y China. Just Brazilliant!
25. Stay Safe. Much Love and Support to you all. If you think the Coronavirus connects us all, just wait till you/we experience the rapturous connectivity pervading the Cosmos – ineffable and just momentarily forgotten. Sounds good, but maybe that’s the hydroxychloroquine talking.

 

◊◊◊ Obituaries We’d Like to See ◊◊◊

1. Walt Disney – 65, Died peaceably and was cryogenically frozen thus making him a permanent member of Disney on Ice. In a cross-promo of epic proportions, Disney execs say they’ll thaw him out to coincide with the opening of Frozen 3, proving once again that Disney is no Mickey Mouse organization.
2. Giovanni Pietro – 54, designer of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, which at that time was simply known as the Tower of Pisa. Always a favorite with the powerful Borgia and Medici families, he leaned slightly towards the Borgias. Mr. Pietro died from a fall at a job site in Verona. Doctors attended to him immediately, but it was too late. One eye was fixed and dilated and the other one read: TILT.
3. Detective John Shaft – 70, Beloved and respected fictional African-American detective. In Isaac Hayes theme song from the movie “Shaft,” he described Detective Shaft as ♫a complicated man♫. In fact Mr. Shaft died from complications of complications. His manager blamed the hospital for substandard care, saying, “He got Shafted.”
4. Jesus Christ – 33, Jewish preacher who developed quite a following in the Middle East (which at the time of his death was simply known as The East). Although paternity tests were inconclusive, his father is believed to be God. His mother Mary, while not quite as accomplished as his father, was no slouch herself and was considered immaculate by contemporaries. Jesus cause of death: Other people’s sins. Apparently he loved his flock so much, he chose to die for them in order to ease their burdens. Just like Shaft, Jesus was also a complicated man. Calling hours every Sunday, forever.
5. Jesus Christ – 33 and a few days. Well, we all thought he was dead the first time, but 3 days later he resurrects himself – like it was a miracle or something. Somehow he opens his tomb from the inside and rises straight up into the sky. It was a risk flying into the sky unmonitored and untracked, but fortunately there weren’t any airplanes back then so the only thing he had to worry about was a bird strike. The consensus was that if he can come back to life and ascend into heaven, bird avoidance might not be much of an issue. His obituary is open-ended pending a promised second tour.
6. Johnny Garza – 62, President of Garza Cement Products died, appropriately enough, from hardening of the arteries. His cardiologist said his arteries were soft and pliant when he came in, but by the time he got on the operating table they had hardened into rock. Attending Dr. Joe Gannon said, “I couldn’t even carve my initials in them – not that I was trying or anything.”
7. Adolph Hitler – 56, From self-inflicted wounds (mostly stupidity). His quaint attempt at sporting a little Charlie Chaplain moustache won him few friends. The decidedly non-Aryan looking and underachieving little corporal from Austria promised the Fatherland a restoration of national pride after his people were ravaged by hyperinflation and all those soft, smelly cheeses from France. He proposed a great network of roads for “People carriages” or “Volks Wagens” as he called them. Hitler also expanded the military as a bulwark against whatever it is you need “bulwarks” for.” All these malefactors were a recipe for calamity. And sure enough his other recipes included such favorites as Polish Blitzkrieg with Pogroms and Russian Blunder à la Napoleon. Not a complicated man – more a misanthropic loser who consolidated power by promising “2 bratwursts in every pot and a Volkswagen in every garage.” The potato farmers and beer-swilling peasants ate it up and the ruling class just couldn’t say no to this latter day charismatic Napoleon. In short order he established the invincible 1000 year Reich, whose invincibility lasted a full 12 years. He was also responsible for Germany’s second catastrophic defeat on the world stage in less than 27 years. As punishment for their bad behavior, the Allies told Germany, “You’re grounded” and sent it to 2 separate rooms for 44 years to reflect on just what they did. Eventually the bedroom Wall came a tumblin’ down and they were ♫reunited and it feels so good♫. Sure he built the autobahns, but Dr. Sigmund Freud believed his road-building scheme was really more Rage-paving than creating productive infrastructure. Dr. Freud thought the whole goose-stepping, Seig Heil thing was just his inner-Nazi acting out. He noted that the only healthy relationship the Fuhrer ever had with a female was with Brunhilde, his German Shepherd. Legend has it Hitler’s last words were, “I’d trade it all for just one more bite of mama’s spoon bread.” Years later Hogan’s Heroes and Mel Brooks would get their revenge on him and we’d all have a good laugh at this evil incarnate. Part of his legacy is that the least popular baby name for the last 80 years has been Adolph. And when was the last time you’ve seen a Hitler in the phone book? In fact when was the last time you’ve seen a phone book?
8. Phillip Seymour Hoffman – 46, Loved his life. Loved his wife. Loved heroin more. Heroin was his heroine. It happens. He’s not alone. Fans who miss him can still feel his presence by staring at his doppelgänger: Jim Gaffigan.
9. Thomas Sheldrake – 35, Died from complications of a bad business plan – owned and operated the Kissing Booth concessions at New Jersey nursing homes.
10. Kate Billups – 32, Pharmacist who enjoyed emptying prescriptions more than she enjoyed filling them. Only person ever to die from an overdose of Lipitor. Her blood became so thin, a paper cut caused her to bleed out. Never really liked her job stating she found, “all those little vials vile.” Strangely she enjoyed the music of Kurt Weill.
11. Wilma Parsons – 71, Ms. Parsons experienced serial gender dysphoria to such a degree, she underwent 4 gender reassignment surgeries. It died a Hermaphrodite attracted mostly to talk shows.
12. Chuck Norris – 80 and counting, Not gonna happen. Death is for mortals.
13. Generalissimo Francisco Franco – 82, Pompous ass. Being called Frank wasn’t good enough for him. Had to be called Generalissimo. Even by his wife while in bed. Well, this was before Viagra, so whatever hardens your arteries is your business. Led the conservative faction to victory in the Spanish Civil War in which thousands were killed including a guy who would’ve perfected Cold Fusion and another who would’ve made bickering obsolete. Thanks Frank.
14. Corey Blaine – 55, A COVID survivor. Ironically he died from suffocation when, after recovery, he put on his thickly protective breathing mask too snugly.
15. Harry Houdini – 52, Died from an overdose of semantics:
Who did?
Houdini did?
Who?
The guy in the trunk?
Harry?
I don’t know if he’s hairy or not, I just call him Houdini.
Who?
The guy in the trunk.
Oh, that’s Dini.
Who Dini?
Exactly.
What?
No, What’s the second baseman.
Well then who’s the guy that drew pictures of people extricating themselves from dangerous situations?
Oh, that’s the Escape Artist.
Who is?
Houdini is.
And I didn’t even know he could draw.

List of Sports Leagues Cancelling Their Seasons Due to the Coronavirus

  1. While self-quarantining, recreate the mind and the body. And don’t worry, you’ll never miss these sports. body.

    Origami League – As expected, the league folded. That’s all they did. That created a financial problem. So the league just folded.

  2. Professional Marbles Association – Not a Coronavirus related closing. They simply lost their marbles. 
  3. Jewdo – Martial Arts for Semites. Was never really a hit. The sport was always underfunded as participants refused to pay retail.
  4. Competitive Eating Club – This is a tough one to swallow. And I’m sorry I broke the first rule of the Competitive Eating Club which is, “You don’t talk about Competitive Eating Club.”
  5. Uphill Skiing League – The league fought gallantly to avoid cancellation, but it was an uphill battle – both ways. 
  6. Miniature Golf – No surprise here. Miniature Golf’s fan base had been shrinking for some time.
  7. Competitive Balloon Animal-ing – Get this. It’s so popular now, Balloon Animals are actually expanding. Pop Culture I guess.
  8. Air Hockey – Face it, the game blows. It has to, otherwise the puck would never elevate. Ironically, now that it’s unplugged, it doesn’t blow anymore.
  9. Dwarf Tossing League – Always politically incorrect to begin with, this “He ain’t heavy, he’s my midget” gnome-hurling sport will be downsized and eventually replaced with the bulimic sport of cookie tossing.
  10. Professional Snow Writing – Cancelled their season for 2 reasons: 1. Hygiene was always an issue and 2. Whether writing in cursive or block letters, women we’re always at an anatomical disadvantage. (I know… “ewwww” factor)
  11. Speed Band-Aid Removal – A marginal sport at best, the Speed Band-Aid Removal owners just felt it was a time to heal rather than peel.
  12. Speed Bikini Waxing – Instead of cancelling the season they took the easy way out and just shaved 2 months off it. They said it wasn’t so much a public health issue as it was a pubic health issue.
  13. Speed Backstroke Racing – It went belly up.
  14. Throwing a Tennis Ball with a Spaghetti Spoon League – The season wasn’t cancelled by dog owners, but by the dogs who no longer wanted to run a 5K just to retrieve some stupid ball. A Spokesdog commented, “Playing ‘fetch’ was fine for 20,000 years. Everyone knew their place. Now we’re supposed to run a marathon while our owners use a frickin’ catapult to throw the ball into the next zip code. Enough already. When we get gray around the snout, tossing a stick 30 feet is fine.”
  15. Skeet Shooting Association– Decided to terminate the season in an effort to save dinner plates needed to serve the hungry. Briefly considered using unemployed dwarfs from the Dwarf Tossing League as alternative targets, but dwarf wranglers couldn’t toss them high enough and catapults were unreliable. And yes I do apologize to everyone for #15.
  16. Hang Gliding Society – Experienced a fall from Grace. I guess they just couldn’t keep current But seriously, when Grace fell, the hangwriting was on the wall.
  17. National Rowing Association – They will continue despite the fact that all rowers have had strokes.
  18. National Sculling Association – This more intellectually empowered version of the National Rowing Association will continue their haughty ways even though these scullers are all a bunch of head cases.
  19. Upside Down Kayaking in Scuba Gear – Someone loses a bar bet and suddenly there’s a sport. I don’t think so.
  20. Major League Archery – Went bankrupt after losing a patent infringement suit to Target
  21. Major League Treachery – A reality sport that also went bankrupt after a lawsuit from Arthur Treacher. Remember – Jeeves, Fish and Chips anyone?
  22. American Fencing Association – Whether Stockade or Chain Link, they’ve all agreed to suspend operations. I may have mixed my swords with my pickets here. Well hopefully my rapier wit stays intact.
  23. Badminton – Unfortunately it’s cancelled. However it will soon be replaced by Goodminton.
  24. NERF Ball Stuffing – Not really a spectator sport, it nonetheless suspended operations due to hygienic considerations. Some franchises were folded into the HSL – the Hide the Salami League.
  25. Whiffle Ball – The league closed and nobody batted an eye.
  26. Waffle Ball – They ran out of dough. Now they’re toast.
  27. Competitive Eating Association – Not affiliated with the Competitive Eating Club (which I shouldn’t have talked about in the first place). So what happened to the Competitive Eating Association? – They went belly up.
  28. The World’s Oldest Sport – It will remain unaffected. In fact, it will likely increase in popularity because there will be fewer distractions. 
  29. Kneeboarding – This water sport got very confusing. Participants thought they had to simulate drowning their knees with washcloths and water.
  30. French Fry Bobbing Assoc. – What? You thought I’d create this list and not include this classic? Most participants looked like the Phantom of the Opera
  31. American Bungee Jumping Association to Suspend Operations – What else is new. That’s all they did. Suspend operations.
  32. Pro Bowlers Association – Couldn’t spare a dime and now they’re on
  33. Free Climbing Kirstie Alley – The sport ended when Ms. Alley discovered 3 climbers at Base Camp, swinging from her hips.
  34. Full Contact Chess – Sport was driven from the field when complaints rose from other less protected pieces about why the Knights got to wear helmets and everybody else was subject to CTE. One of the Bishops piped up, “I feel like such a pawn.” Another Bishop, already late for an appointment while finishing his Guinness at a pub said, “Check mate?”
  35. English Steeplechase – Sport closed down when it was discovered that steeples didn’t run…and therefore certainly didn’t need to be chased.
  36. Dressage – Isn’t dressage what RuPaul and his TV friends do? Am I confusing it with drag racing?
  37. Equestrian – Closed up much to my chagrin. And I thought, “This is the dawning of the Age of Equestrian.
  38. Spearfishing (The Angry Anglers) – This sport died from a self-inflicted puncture wound. Note: The one time I went spearfishing I did pretty well. I caught 5 spears. 1 asparagus, 1 Britney and 3 regular. Next time I went ice fishing and caught 10 cubes. Nearly drowned trying to cook them.
  39. International Cow Tipping Society – The sport of cow tipping was disbanded when cows began demanding unaffordable 40 and 50% tips. The president of the society explained, “What irony. The cows we’re actually milking us.”
  40. Australian Rules Hurling – I knew this one wouldn’t last too long. Who wants to watch a bunch of burly guys throwing up – and upside down to boot? Very disturbing.
  41. Rhythmic Gymnastics – We all know what “rhythmic gymnastics” is a euphemism for. This oldest sport known to man is best left to lovers in the bedroom.
  42. Patty Cake League – The Patty Cake League closed shop when the Baker’s man pay was cut. He considered it a slap in the face and began baking cakes slowly. The whole Patty Cake thing just didn’t work after that. They tried to secretly resurrect themselves as the Pat-A-Cake League, but people could hear this dog whistle. Besides, by then people had moved on to fist bumps.
  43. Kick Boxing Club – It seems participants didn’t like the possibility of receiving a blunt force roundhouse kick to the head with enough kinetic energy to dislodge the nose of George Washington from Mount Rushmore. The club tried to cushion the blows by using a kind of boxing gloves for the feet, but kick boxers looked plain silly – tramping around like prancing dogs when you put booties on them. And I know…I’m breaking the first rule of Kick Boxing Club by talking about them.
  44. Even Unparallel Bars – Too iconoclastic. Andy Warhol’s answer to the uneven parallel bars served no practical purpose other than to be provocative and to remind us that “This is not here.” Life is confounding enough.

Google Proposes to Buy Catholic Church

Financial and moral bankruptcy makes Catholic Church ripe for the plucking.

In an unlikely marriage of high tech and high mass, Google Inc. has vowed to purchase the 2000 year old Christian start-up and convert it from a parochial relic of medieval luminosity, to a go-to search engine of latter day enlightenment. In other words to reimagine the Church, not as some vestigial sanctuary of last resort, but as a relevant refuge of first resort – and without all the resort fees.

 

Google promises to create an online spiritual haven far beyond the binary limitations of earthly design – a transformative resort where true seekers can purge themselves of barnacled beliefs and pardonable, but entrenched assumptions in preparation for boundary-dissolving experiences. These experiences, they say, will illuminate both the poignancy and absurdity of life’s predicament. And Google hopes to accomplish all this, not with a prophet, but at a profit.

 

Some say we should genuflect to our digitally savvy superiors and welcome them with a hearty “All hail the coming of our spiritual overlord – Wi-Fi? Why not?”  More cautionary voices insist we, “Slow down there Mr. Univac. Your glorified abacus is just an electronic toy here to serve us. Remember, you’re made in God’s image and not vice-versa.” These are the typical binary talking points you get on earth whenever transformative change is in the air.

 

Reflecting the volatility of their proposed purchase, Google’s bid was not filed with the SEC, but rather with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Crosses – or as it more commonly appears in writing: The Bureau of AT&✝. In their bid, Google pledges to create a welcoming, spiritual resort that honors all paths and not just the ones that hold rummage sales in church basements. A place where worshipers feel they’re on vacation instead of on trial. No longer will adherents have to nourish their souls on the stale, old piety of centuries old dogma. The Church, reborn under a new rubric, will become a divine haven where spiritual gamers (Google’s nomenclature for parishioners) can now operate in a cosmic resort of first resort. Read the rest of this entry »

Rare Diseases: When You’re Sick of Laughing

Presented by the CDC (Center for Diseased Comedy):

I am not eased by this. In fact, I’m dis-eased.

1. SharonaVirus – A highly specific affliction whereby one only listens to music by The Knack

2. CoronaVirus – Feeling ill from: 1. Looking at the sun’s rays during a solar eclipse 2. Driving an old Toyota 3. Drinking a certain Mexican beer 4. Soul-kissing a Chinese bat

3. Influenca – Where a Social Media Influencer infects you with their lifestyle choices

4. Visitation Aversion Disorder – Overcoming, coming over

5. Anti-paranoid – The psychotic belief that everyone is trying to ignore you

6. Picnic Attack – Paralytic affliction where one freaks out at eating a basket lunch out in nature

7. Tourette’s Gestures – Spontaneously filthy and uncontrollable hand gestures

8. Wasnesia – Past tense of Amnesia. Sufferers pin a Forget-me-not on their shirt – if they can remember.

9. Overwhelmingly Underwhelmed – A serenely goofy feeling of whelm-being

10. Lymon Disease – A more citrus-y take on Lyme Disease. It still ticks off a lot of people.

11. Caitlyn Gender Dysphoria – When winning an Olympic Gold medal in the Decathlon is not enough to reinforce your sexual identity

12. PSC-PTSD (Pre-Stressed Concrete Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) – When Bridges crack and fail due to recovered memories of all those noxious cars weighing them down

13. Royal Pains in the Arse – Surmounting Sir Mounting’s Hemorrhoids

14. Late Onset Early Bird Special Dining – When the elderly are serially late for early bird dinners, so that they now have to pay full price

15. Miffed Cow Disease – Not as bad as Mad Cow Disease, but it still leaves you feeling kind of surly

16. Penile Snoring – aka: Restless Shaft Syndrome. Bed sharers complaint: “Would you please shut your urethra so I can get some sleep?” In women this syndrome is called ___________ (because I still have a shot at going to heaven, I had to delete what it’s called).

17. Accidentally Checking the Wrong Box-itis – Damn it! I guess I actually did sign up for this.

18. Chronic Jew Syndrome – Not a disease. It’s just being Jewish. There are no symptoms except you tend to be successful and pro-Semitic.

19. Grammarians Conjunctivitis – A syntactical syndrome where you don’t know where to place your ifs, ands or buts

19.5 Toilet Seat Conjunctivitus – An assinine syndrome where you don’t know where to place your butt

20. Gingervitis – An allergic reaction to seeing Ginger on Gilligan’s Island

21. Toe-shaped Teeth – Foot in Mouth Disease

22. Margaret’s Shaking Limbs – Restless Peg Syndrome

23. Nephritic Bonging – Kidneys Stoned

24. Adhesive Tapeworm – Really sticks to your ribs. People in Glasgow contract a different version called Scotch Tapeworm.

25. YouTuberculosis – When you can’t stop watching videos till they consume you. Consumption be done about it?

26. Ball Peen Hammertoe – When your ♫Boots are made for tapping ♫

27. Chlamydia – An irritating flower that blooms where you’d prefer it wouldn’t. Also a character in Shakespeare’s “A Midsummer Night’s Hook Up.”

28. Lobster Thrombosis – Often mistaken for an illness, this delicious dish is prepared with egg yolks and brandy. No wait that’s Lobster Thermidor. I remember now. Lobster Thermidor leads to Lobster Thrombosis.

29. Eco-car Dementia – Oh, Prius, don’t mentia it

30. Congealed Esophageal Seals – A hardening of the phlegm near the epiglottis. Only dangerous if you like to breathe air.

31. Drug-resistant Flamin’ Hot Cheetos – A serious addiction that makes the opioid crisis look like just a bad habit. Frito-Lay has found a way to narcotize the Cheeto in irresistible ways, and this legal crunchy meth has metastasized to the entire country. Forget Red State, Blue State. We’re all Orange States now. Help us. Everything we touch now turns to orange.

32. Epstein-Barr Hyphenation Syndrome – When 2 preening researchers feel they must co-equally share credit for the discovery of some disease.

33. Up Syndrome – What people with Down Syndrome suffer from in Australia.

34. Diphtheria – An old timey disease noted mostly for being the only word to have the letters “p-h-t-h” appear consecutively

35. Molly Ringworm – aka: Brat Pack Fever. Remedy is to burn it away with St. Elmo’s Fire.

36. Aunt Candy’s Type 32 Diabetes – Just when you thought there were enough flavors of insulin deficiency, good ole Aunt Candy (aka Doctor Candy Winsome, Chief of Serum Illnesses at Johns Hopkins) discovers another.

37. Johns Hopkins Excessive Pluralization Syndrome – A strange disease where ones can’t stops pluralizings

38. Erotic Aneurysm – Like an aortic aneurysm except it makes you horny. In men it hardens arteries. In women, let’s just say things get real slippery, real fast.

39. Liquid Patty Melt – When Patricia Arquette’s ice sculpture is reduced to a puddle

40. Raining Cats and Dogs – You know it’s happening when you step in a poodle and say “Me, oww!”

41. Kinda Off the Rails Here – What’s it like being you, reading me?

42. Narcissistic Indulgences – Are there any other kind? When you believe all memes are really about MeMe MeMe MeMe memes.

43. ♫He Was Strumming My Pain with Atari♫ – Killing Me Softly With His Pong

44. Make up your own illness and post it here! I’m sick of this.

Things that Have a 0% Probability of Happening

1. Attending a Patti LaBelle concert and she does NOT perform “Lady Marmalade.”
2. Attending a Pointer Sisters concert and they do not perform “Jump.”
3. Attending a Van Halen concert and they do not perform “Jump.”
4. Attending a Cardi B concert.
5. Attending a Tom Petty concert (l know, too soon).
6. Cultivating and sustaining God consciousness while still in the human form. And yet Aunt Becky supposebly does, why I can’t? And I know, I said supposebly and “why I can’t.” It just proves my point.
7. Patti LaBelle’s dressing room having bowls of Funyuns.
8. Arriving at places early (I know, too soon).

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