Archive for June, 2019
However, this is the kind of obscure minutia that haunts me:
An unreasonable fear? Maybe.
My condition has been diagnosed as Normaquotaphobia and I believe I’m its only sufferer. There’s a vaccine for it, but the side effect is it makes you think like Jenny McCarthy.
In any event, I try to remain a Big Picture guy. After all, “I am big. It’s the pictures that got small.”
And finally, “Tell Mr. Toothpaste, I’m ready for my Close-Up.”
We now return you to your regularly scheduled life already in progress.
- My new book “Ventriloquism for Dummies” just arrived. For some reason I can’t read it without moving my lips.
- God’s majesty is ineffable…so are women wearing chastity belts.
- It was just a prank when Debra Messing said her mother, Mrs. Messing went missing. Messing was just messing with us.
- He exercised his Free Will. He had no choice.
- He drank the prune juice with “aplomb.” He had no choice.
- He was allowed only to pick between Prime Beef or Select Beef. They had no Choice.
- There is no #7. I had no choice.
- Try not to get into acute depression, because there’s nothing cute about depression.
- A prisoner on Death Row had the foresight to order a 112 ft. long submarine sandwich for his last meal. The warden complied. The inmate lived for another 14 days while slowly eating the lengthy sandwich, but died of food poisoning on the 15th day.
Caitlyn Jenner and the Case of the Very Mistaken Identity
- Sherlock Holmes is hopelessly constipated in this predictably slow-moving case entitled “No Sh*t Sherlock.” The author, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, has our quirky genius, Sherlock Holmes, suffering heroically from constipation. And although our brave Sherlock exudes great fortitude, that’s about all he manages to exude for a week. The ordeal ends when he accidentally sees Queen Victoria naked and it scares the sh*t out of him.
- Miss Marple’s “April Papal PayPal Caper” – Spring is in the air and the Vatican is awash in intrigue when the Pope is tricked into sending money to a needy Nigerian prince whose request for funds seemed perfectly legitimate – at least initially. The church goes to court for redress, but the case is thrown out on the grounds it’s just too damn hard to pronounce (April Papal PayPal Caper).
- Redrum, She Wrote – Cabot Cove’s Jessica Fletcher is back, and backwards this time in “Redrum, She Wrote.” In this ass backwards episode, Jessica reverses the detective process and solves a murder before it even happens. Ironically, the perpetrator, a hilarious comedian, is found guilty of the crime even though he hasn’t killed anyone yet. It seems the prosecution got him on a technicality when they duped the arrogant comedian into bragging “I murdered’em last night” while performing onstage.
- Perry Mason and the Case of the Shy Bladder – When his wife shows up missing, the District Attorney warns the husband, “Urine trouble.” But the husband turns the tables on the DA by asking one simple question: “Oh really Mr. District Attorney. Tell me then, how can one be ‘missing’ when they ‘show-up’?” On the basis of this single unanswerable question he’s released on his own recognizance. We still wonder how his wife was hiding her shy bladder problem. Depends…on what she was wearing. In any event, critics everywhere agreed – the case was an absolute pisser.
- Charlie Chan and the Chocolate Factory in “The Case of No Tickee*, No Entry.” – Well, how did little Willy Lo Mein gain entrance to the fabulous chocolate factory without the Golden Tickee? I mean Willy Lo Mein was liked, but not well liked. *Note: This story was written in 1934 so using the word “tickee” was not racial stereotyping. I mean it was racial stereotyping, but no one cared.
- “Hairdresser Hairassment?” Was it a case of non-consensual hair-sniffing in this Vidal Sassoon story of unwelcomed inhaling? Opening sentence reads: “Gee lady, your hair smells terrific, and I bet the hair on your head smells good too.”
- From the creators of Wil & Grace comes a mystery so stupid you’ll drool. The plot involves the kidnapping of Debra Messing’s mother in a drama named: “Debra Messing’s Mom, Mrs. Michelle Messing, is Missing.” Actually this isn’t true, I’m just messing with you.
- In a similar vein, a recently discovered short story by Yogi Berra was entitled: “Baseball Missing. Foul Play Suspected.”
- And in another mystery that should’ve stayed undiscovered, Frank Perdue’s unpublished story: “Chicken Missing. Fowl play suspected.”
- “Nancy Drew and the Case of the Smoked Salmon” – A serial murderer leaves his calling card, a smoked salmon at his murder scene. Law enforcement is perplexed because they didn’t think you could smoke a salmon, let alone get it lit.
- Agatha Christie served-up a delicately layered mystery about a power hungry family titled “A Sinful Helping of Filial Piety” – The story has many flavors to it including Apple and Blueberry Piety.
- “Triple Indemnity” – Identical to the classic “Double Indemnity” in every way except the indemnifications are adjusted for inflation. Ho-hum. This is an updated version only a bean counter could love.
- A Charlie Chan Mystery: “General Tsao Chicken is Missing…from the Menu.” When Chan investigates the good general’s disappearance, he solves the case by discovering Tsao was demoted to Colonel, and that diners were only willing to eat colonels if they were corn.
- Dashiell Hammett’s unpublished and impolitic tale of a mysterious speech impairment entitled: “Tham Thpade Tholves the Mythtery of Bogie’s Lisp.” It’s thuch a thilly thtory. Theriously.
- A Dunkin’ Donut Who-Done-It. These kind of mysteries are referred to in literary detective parlance, not as a whodunit, but as a whodonut. This newly discovered story asks the titled question – “Who Drowned Cinnamon Cruller?” Cinnamon had always been a little twisted. After all, she descended from a long line of cinnamon twists. But surely the young and curvy Cinnamon deserved a better fate then turning up half-eaten and coffee-logged on a crumby old plate, where her once beautifully braided body was now distorted and savagely illuminated by the eerie intermittent glow of Dunkin’ Donut’s strobing neon light. She was so young, having only been fried that morning, and now here she was, bloated, bitten and cast aside like a pellet from an owl’s gizzard. Ms. Cruller held such promise. Just 20 minutes ago she sat perky, puffy and wonderfully glazed in the incubating display case, hoping some nice family would make her the pick of the litter and take her home in a little pink box like a rescue donut. But no. It was not to be as ghoulish and vulgar things would be perpetrated against her deliciously flaky body. Who would do such an obscene thing to such a delicate and promising piece of pastry? Whodonut? A nearby cup of Joe was implicated in the drowning, but he had no motive. He was just unlucky enough to be a black…cup of Joe. The real culprit, we discover, was a regular customer named Henry Givins who explained, “It’s no big deal. I do this 3-4 times a week. I like dunking my crullers. Devouring a freshly made donut is not an issue for me because I don’t personify donuts like you all do. Y’know the song ‘These Boots are Made for Walkin?’ Well the same holds true for donuts, except these donuts are made for eating. And that’s just what I’ll do. My conscience is clear on the matter although sometimes my eyes glaze over.” Clearly Henry Givins had no misgivins about his actions. Critics have called this long lost story: The apotheosis of Gut Bomb Noir cinema at its Edward Hopper Nighthawks
- Colombo and the Case of “No More Things” – Astonishingly Peter Falk’s rumpled character solves a case without once having to resort to saying, “Aaaah, just one more thing sir.”
- Breakfast on the Orient Express – Murder is out and foodies are in, in this case of the missing 3-minute egg that’s solved in 2 minutes when Detective Poirot cracks both the case and the egg.
- Edgar Alan Poe’s “The Murders at the Rue Loony Bin”: A jealous lover kills 3 of his mistresses 6 personalities. It gets complicated when the 3 that survive admit they are still in love with the murderer and refuse to press charges. In a kangaroo court held in Australia, her defense attorney asks the charges be reduced from a single count of murder in the 1st, to a ½ count of murder in the 3rd since only 3 of the 6 personalities died. The judge throws out the case stating, “I was told there wouldn’t be math.”
- “Joe Mannix and the 35th Time He Gets Shot in the Same Spot of the Same Arm While Pursuing Washed-up Actors Whose Agents Can Only Get Them Special-Guest-Crook Appearances on TV Shows.” This long-winded title presents yet another case whereby good ole Joe brings a bad guy to justice, while being shot in the same spot, of the same arm, once again, for the 35th time in only 66 episodes. That is one resilient arm. When Joe’s faithful secretary Peggy (played by the lovely Gail Fisher) expresses concern for her boss’s health, and her utter amazement at both the frequency and location of the wound, Mannix modestly brushes off the injury and responds, as he always did, “I’m OK Peggy. Yeah, he winged me, but he’ll do time.”
Chunky Catholic – It’s filled with tempting bananas, tantalizing walnuts and overwhelming chunks of guilt. Eating it is actually a confessable sin.
- Amish Barn Raisin’ – A very sober version of Rum Raisin
- Pralines ‘n Puritans – You can tell which are which by licking them
- Quakers ‘n Cream – Vastly superior to Quakers ‘n Oats
- Episcopal Popsicles – Ideal for the Frozen Chosen
- Black Walnut Ice Cream Matters – Always has
- Televangelist Dough – Oh they’re rollin’ in it.
- Amish Garcia – Get your pious Grateful Dead fix satisfied with a sober scoop of this clear-eyed version of Cherry Garcia
- Pentecostal Pecan – So good you won’t bother speaking in tongues; you’ll start licking in tongues.
- Rosicrucian Crunch – Mostly Boneless Ice Cream
- Rocky Road to Heaven – ♫You’re going to find your way to heaven is a rough and rocky road, if you don’t stop and smell the Rose-icrucians along the way♫
- Heathen Heath Bar Toffee – Popular with Atheists. It’s topped with a blast of blaspheme and tastes positively sacrilicious.
- Amish Cheesecake – I never thought the two could mix. Also comes with a racy calendar – if you’re into bonnets.
- Russian Orthodox ‘n Hydrox – A smash up of the Eastern Coptic Church and proto-Oreos. A precursor to Oreos ‘n Cream
- Branch Davidian w/Cashews, Walnuts, Pecans etc. – As you might expect this Branch Davidian sect is absolutely filled with all kinds of nuts
- I Can’t Believe It’s Not Ice Cream – A frozen confection for disbelieving atheists
- Double Dutch Reformed Church – This tasty little number is served in a crunchy waffle shoe
- Blended Mormon Clusters – Somehow manages to marry several individual flavors into one big happy family
- Creaminess Is Next to Godliness – A heavenly ice cream from God’s lips to your cone
- 21 Thru 32 Flavors are still in the experimental stage
- Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program
- Jehovah’s Moustache
- Jehovah Falls Down Goes Plop
- Seventh Day Adventist
- Third Trimester Adventist
- Second Semester Dentist
- Note: Sneaking this in to see who my friends really are, if you would please write the words “Dan is a Primate” on my wall and then post a picture of yourself with a multi-armed aquatic rescue animal on your page during an even-numbered minute with the comment, “I think Cephalopods have a swell head” then I’ll continue to wish you happy birthday when Facebook reminds me.
- Shakers-n-Quakers-n-Bears Oh My!
- The Mostly Reformed Church of Generally Unrepentant Moravians…and the women who love them.
Alright, 19 full-fledged flavors and 7 flavors in the formulation stage is probably enough ice cream for one sitting. If you can find more flavors, that will be a scoop.