Archive for January, 2024

1. 

   I have a sponge on my head …and I’m happy to see you.

   Service Mermaid – Upside: They always laugh when you say, “There’s something fishy about you.” Downside: They tend to flop around a lot on the couch.

2. Service Beaver – Be careful. There are 2 kinds. One has a much sought-after pelt, and the other one builds dams.
3. Service Psoriasis – At first you’ll resist them. But eventually they’ll get under your skin.
4. Service Giraffe – It’s true they can adjust a roof antenna, but you need a scissors jack just to put a collar on them
5. Service E. coli – Problem is, you bring one home and an hour later you’ve got 10 million mouths to feed. And PetSmart charges a fortune for a bag of E. Coli Chow. And don’t forget E. Coli Puppy Chow (till he’s full grown).
6. Service Grinch – ♫He’s a mean one. Service Grinch. He’s got garlic in his soul. He’s as cuddly as a cactus. He will find new ways to tax us. Service GRRRRinch! ♫
7. Service Dogs Named Pavlov – They’re very well-trained but they have one drawback – they drool all over the floor
8. Service Hyena – Upside: They’ll laugh at anything. Downside: If the least bit hungry, they’ll often rip out their owner’s carotid artery.
9. Service Monkey – Although a sympathetic primate, they tend to throw feces at inappropriate moments. Not that there’s an appropriate moment to throw feces, but you get the point.
10. Service Dust Bunny – Upside: Low maintenance. Downside: One sneeze and it’s $900 down the drain.
11. Service Gnats – A word of caution: They’re not much in the way of comfort and they usually vanish by getting accidentally inhaled

1. He pronounces the “b” in dumb
2. He looks at the end of your finger when you point
3. He pronounces the “L” in Christmas even though there is no “L” in Christmas. I mean there is Noel in Christmas, it’s just that there’s no “L” in Christmas.
4. He thought the Bureau of Veterans’ Affairs was created to help servicemen cheat on their spouses.
5. He thinks the Surgeon General overreached when he warned against smoking cigarettes. He believes there’s no way cigarettes could cause all that coffin.
6. That sometimes he was, just whistlin’ Dixie
7. He thinks that if you press the Ctrl+Alt+Undo buttons, Microsoft Word will remove the last 10 minutes of your life
8. He adopted an all-office supply diet; where paper clips and sticky-notes were his staples
9. He spends time devising lists about imaginary dumb people. Hey, wait a minute…

1. If I Swallow Him Whole, Can My Teacup Chihuahua Survive a Trip Through My Intestines? – Find Out the Surprising Answer.
2. I Wish My Deaf Friends Would Believe Me When I Say It’s Good to Hear from Them.
3. I’ve Stuck My Tongue to a Frozen Pole. Should I Just Go About My Business? – Discover the Surprising Answer.
4. They Say You Sound Just Like an Owl. “Who?”
5. Should I Worry About the Tinsel in My Stool? – Find Out the Surprising Answer.
6. Can You Breathe Easy Now That You’re a Lung Donor? – Find Out the Inspiring Answer.
7. Mike Pence has Asked Your Wife to Lunch. Should You Worry?
8. An Alderman has Parked a Bulldozer on your Foot. Should You Say Something? Find Out the Surprising Answer.
9. So You’re Starting to Think Maybe Hitler had a Point. Should You kill Yourself? – “Yup!”
10. We Taste Test the New Embalming Fluids. Find out What Body Part They Made Stiff.
11. Does Peppermint Bark Come from Trees? Find Out the Surprising Answer.

Whatever You Do Don’t Tell Anyone, But I’m Beginning to Think that the Only Conspiracy, is that There’s No Conspiracy.

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And Finally.

Allow me to quote little dogs everywhere when I say to you:

“Yappy New Year. Yappy, Yappy New Year Everybody, Everywhere.”

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Instances of Corporate Downsizing Due to Budgetary Constraints

1. The Acme Toupee Company, will now cover only 60% of your bald spot – Talk about pulling the rug out from under you!
2. Instead of providing “temporary relief of minor pain,” Tylenol now offers only “possible relief of fleeting discomfort”
3. Due to cuts in the Cutting Department, Southwest Airlines is no longer providing the “starter tear” on their airborne snack pretzels. “Fliers can use their teeth if they want to tear into their free lunch,” explained Southwest CFO Phillip Dingleberry. “This will save us .0004¢ per package and about $800K in workmen’s compensation claims.”
4. The non-binary community has requested the Nabisco Co. to make their Cheez-Its even less specific. Henceforth they’d like them to be called Cheez-Thems.
5. Due to supply chain issues, Nestlé’s $100,000 Bars have been downsized to $36,782 Bars
6. To reflect a budget shortfall and the consequent reduction of its amiability factor, Friendly Ice Cream is changing its name to Cordial Ice Cream. “It’s just where we’re at right now,” said its once ebullient, but now stoic CEO Cale Griswold. “When we regain our sociable mojo, we might become Friendly Ice Cream again. Till then all we can manage is to be Cordial.”
7. The Good Humor Man is now known as That Mildly Amusing Guy
8. As its business prospects have narrowed, General Motors has renamed itself Highly Specific Motors.
9. Coke Zero is now so unpopular, it’s known as Coke -3
10. Some streaming services are now barely dripping
11. As an aside: Have you ever noticed, that except for us, everyone else is so stupid?
12. Tide Detergent used to be advertised as “New & Improved.” Now it’s blandly soft-sold as being “Recent & Identical”
13. Ben & Jerry’s has shortened their name and tagline to: “BJs Really Satisfy”

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Poverty Stricken Exotic Bird Dealers Lament

1. We were poor. We couldn’t afford a toucan. We could only afford a onecan. Heck, my uncle can only afford a pecan.
Architecturally Destitute Home Buyers Lament
2. We couldn’t afford a Tudor. So we bought a Onedoor.
Poor Impatient Persons Lament
3. I can’t afford to wait for a second – only for a nanosecond. I guess time really is money.

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Other Things People Can’t Afford

1. Penny pinching opera mavens can no longer afford The Three Penny Opera. So they switched to The Two Penny Opera with fewer arias. No one seems to mind.
2. Military strategists couldn’t afford to fortify their position, so they shoddily threetified them
3. A car buyer in Waterford couldn’t afford a Ford, so he bought a Third
4. A car buyer in Norway couldn’t affjord a Fjord, so he bought a Thjird
5. Cindy Crawford couldn’t afford plastic surgery, so she kept her pigtails really, really tight

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Piss Poor – This is an actual state of penury whereby one was so poor they were reduced to selling their urine to a tanner, who could productively use the fluid in processing hides. True.

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Malnutrition in Mendicants
1. They couldn’t afford Hamburger Helper. They could only afford Helper
2. Still others couldn’t afford Helper. They could only afford to listen to the Beatles Help!
3. The natives lacked food. They referred to their diet as a die it
4. I don’t want to say they were poor. Let’s just call them resourceful. I mean they had a cookbook of cuticle recipes

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And that’s my poor attempt at enriching the world with humor. I mean to be the good humor man, but sometimes I’m just that mildly amusing guy.

 

The Rejected Bits

1. Head & Shoulders now advises shampooers to just: Rinse and Repeat. They’re skipping the lather instruction altogether because their bottles don’t contain any shampoo.
2. Hard times for brothels. Because too many prostitutes have been getting stiffed (so to speak), they’re no longer willing to go all the way. Instead, they’ll get you half-off.
3. The once formidable 3M Company has been reduced to the 2m Company