Posts Tagged ‘nabisco’

The Proper Pauper: Commentaries on Various States of Poverty


Instances of Corporate Downsizing Due to Budgetary Constraints

1. The Acme Toupee Company, will now cover only 60% of your bald spot – Talk about pulling the rug out from under you!
2. Instead of providing “temporary relief of minor pain,” Tylenol now offers only “possible relief of fleeting discomfort”
3. Due to cuts in the Cutting Department, Southwest Airlines is no longer providing the “starter tear” on their airborne snack pretzels. “Fliers can use their teeth if they want to tear into their free lunch,” explained Southwest CFO Phillip Dingleberry. “This will save us .0004¢ per package and about $800K in workmen’s compensation claims.”
4. The non-binary community has requested the Nabisco Co. to make their Cheez-Its even less specific. Henceforth they’d like them to be called Cheez-Thems.
5. Due to supply chain issues, Nestlé’s $100,000 Bars have been downsized to $36,782 Bars
6. To reflect a budget shortfall and the consequent reduction of its amiability factor, Friendly Ice Cream is changing its name to Cordial Ice Cream. “It’s just where we’re at right now,” said its once ebullient, but now stoic CEO Cale Griswold. “When we regain our sociable mojo, we might become Friendly Ice Cream again. Till then all we can manage is to be Cordial.”
7. The Good Humor Man is now known as That Mildly Amusing Guy
8. As its business prospects have narrowed, General Motors has renamed itself Highly Specific Motors.
9. Coke Zero is now so unpopular, it’s known as Coke -3
10. Some streaming services are now barely dripping
11. As an aside: Have you ever noticed, that except for us, everyone else is so stupid?
12. Tide Detergent used to be advertised as “New & Improved.” Now it’s blandly soft-sold as being “Recent & Identical”
13. Ben & Jerry’s has shortened their name and tagline to: “BJs Really Satisfy”


Poverty Stricken Exotic Bird Dealers Lament

1. We were poor. We couldn’t afford a toucan. We could only afford a onecan. Heck, my uncle can only afford a pecan.
Architecturally Destitute Home Buyers Lament
2. We couldn’t afford a Tudor. So we bought a Onedoor.
Poor Impatient Persons Lament
3. I can’t afford to wait for a second – only for a nanosecond. I guess time really is money.


Other Things People Can’t Afford

1. Penny pinching opera mavens can no longer afford The Three Penny Opera. So they switched to The Two Penny Opera with fewer arias. No one seems to mind.
2. Military strategists couldn’t afford to fortify their position, so they shoddily threetified them
3. A car buyer in Waterford couldn’t afford a Ford, so he bought a Third
4. A car buyer in Norway couldn’t affjord a Fjord, so he bought a Thjird
5. Cindy Crawford couldn’t afford plastic surgery, so she kept her pigtails really, really tight


Piss Poor – This is an actual state of penury whereby one was so poor they were reduced to selling their urine to a tanner, who could productively use the fluid in processing hides. True.


Malnutrition in Mendicants
1. They couldn’t afford Hamburger Helper. They could only afford Helper
2. Still others couldn’t afford Helper. They could only afford to listen to the Beatles Help!
3. The natives lacked food. They referred to their diet as a die it
4. I don’t want to say they were poor. Let’s just call them resourceful. I mean they had a cookbook of cuticle recipes


And that’s my poor attempt at enriching the world with humor. I mean to be the good humor man, but sometimes I’m just that mildly amusing guy.


The Rejected Bits

  1. Head & Shoulders now advises shampooers to just: Rinse and Repeat. They’re skipping the lather instruction altogether because their bottles don’t contain any shampoo.
  2. Hard times for brothels. Because too many prostitutes have been getting stiffed (so to speak), they’re no longer willing to go all the way. Instead, they’ll get you half-off.
  3. The once formidable 3M Company has been reduced to the 2m Company