December, 2020 | davidhardiman.com

Archive for December, 2020

Why Settle for an Amateur Building?

 

Rely on the quality of a Professional Building. Professional Buildings do this for a living and comport themselves with quiet brilliance.

Amateurs need not apply to this Professional Building.

So when considering a structure to suit your tenants’ needs remember to erect a Professional Building. Feel the pride of ownership when customers look at your building and say, “Now that is one Professional Building.”

Paid for by the Professional Builders Association.
The PBA: Making owners happy one erection at a time. 

Home Improvement Ideas for 2021

  1. Mirror That Makes You Look 10 Years Younger – Not recommended for children under 10 who become frightened when they look into their past life.
  2. Riding Vacuum from John Deere – Don’t let those 8000 sq. feet of carpeting in your mansion gather dust. Keep them spotlessly clean with a Riding Vacuum from John Deere. Why not get one for each floor. You’ll find that Riding Vacuums suck a lot more than you think. And they practically disappear into the interior design when covered with their included Riding Vacuum Cozy.
  3. Peeing Sink – Once you try this new streaming device you’ll never go back to aiming
  4. This is your brain on cauliflower.

    Refrigerator that dispenses crushed ice, cubed steak and chipped beef

  5. Techno Doggy Door – A microchip-activated pet door that allows your chipped pet indoor/outdoor privileges. Works with husbands too, providing they’re also chipped. Even works with beef, as long as it’s chipped beef.
  6. Programmable Paint from Microsoft – Paint your room one time, then set it and forget it. Alter the color as you see fit, when you see fit. Note: Paint must be chipped, even though most people don’t like chipped paint.
  7. Detached Manger – No room in the house for the new baby? Not a problem with this biblically themed nursery. Raise your child like he’s the Second Coming or at least like the angel he is. Insulated manger comes with frankincense, myrrh and a straw floor. Great for out-of-town visitors come to pay their respects. One look at its simple straw-themed design and you’ll say, “Hay!”
  8. A 2nd Floor Above-Ground Swimming Pool – Classy and white trashy. Guaranteed not to collapse…unless it does. Then enjoy your new Staircase Waterfall at no extra cost. Comes with ethically-sourced, gluten-free water noodles.
  9. Aah-oo-Gah Doorbell Chime – This supersonic doorbell breaks the sound barrier and guarantees you get to your Amazon package at the door before a robber scoops it up. It’s sonic boom is said to cure people suffering from Shy Bladder.
  10. Crawlspace Catacombs – This one might be illegal. We’ll discuss it in person.
  11. Mirrored Toilet Seat – Popular in England where they tend to be a little cheekier. Some find its reflection confusing because they don’t know whether they’re coming or going.
  12. Random Desperate Bird Fluttering Inside the House, Way Up in the Vaulted Ceiling – Guaranteed to make you feel like you’re living in a Home Depot or an Airline Terminal. If the bird escapes, all guarantees are out the window.
  13. Walk-in Closet with 30 Foot Drop into a Foam Pit – Located in the guest room, this adrenalizing freefall gives the in-laws a gentle pause for thought about ever visiting you again.
  14. 48-Car Underground Garage – Or, for the more frugal, a 36-car above ground parking structure. Underground garage incompatible with the Crawlspace Catacomb.
  15. Nuclear Powered Doorbell Light – The last doorbell light you’ll ever buy. And probably the only one too. Always leaves a light burning in the doorbell – at 950° inside a transparent titanium containment vessel. Take great comfort in the manufacturer’s guarantee that it will stay illuminated eons after the sun explodes and vaporizes Solar System. Pairs well with Aah-oo-Gah horn option.
  16. Bidet/Hydration Station Bubbler – Proves that you can drink where you clean.
  17. Husband-proof Appliances – Designed especially for husband-proofing the house by ensuring that:
    1. The dirty clothes are not put in the dryer before they’re washed
    2. Laundry does not come out of the wash all one color
    3. Soap is put in the dishwasher before it’s turned on
    4. Dishes are put in the dishwasher before it’s turned on
    5. Food is put in the microwave before it’s turned on
    6. The electric toothbrush doesn’t shock you back to 2nd grade
    7. The remote is never lost because it’s attached to a can’t-be-misplaced kayak
    8. The freezer and the refrigerator are not both set to the same temperature
  18. Every Door in the House Operates Like a Garage Door – Make entering any room an event with this brawny option. Comes with a universal remote. Pet-safe…if their chipped.
  19. Hilarious Woman’s Shoe  Closet with Room for Only 4 Pair of Shoes– Prove that you have an unbounded sense of humor by showing visitors this ridiculously undersized storage closet specially built for your wife’s 4 pairs of shoes.
  20. Drone Ceiling Fan – Fly it to the room where it’s most needed
  21. Reverse Microwave that Makes Things Cooler – It’s finally here. By overcoming the primordial forces of nature the Reverse Microwave draws about 450 gigawatts of electricity per use. Therefore your Electrical Panel must be hooked-up directly to the Hoover Dam. A better option may be to just put whatever it is you want cooled in the refrigerator for 15 minutes.
  22. Thinly Sliced Deep-Fried Potatoes – Note: In order to do this correctly, potatoes must be chipped.
  23. Chocolate Cookie and Card Playing Gaming Table – Note: The cookies and the table must both be chipped
  24. Favorite Son on the TV show My Three Sons – Gotta be Chip.
  25. Favorite 70’s TV Show – You guessed it: ChiPs

David?

Yes.

What do these last few entries about chips have to do with home improvement ideas?

Well, let’s face it folks. I’m off the rails here and I’m loving it. It’s fun to go nuts when you’re not driving a car, performing surgery or sitting in a church pew. I encourage y’all to do the same once in a while. In that way you’d be a chip off the old block.  

Ultra-Obscure National “Appreciation” Days

Now being celebrated thanks to special interest groups, lobbyists and me:

  1. National Dog Day – Because every dog has its day
  2. Doris Day Day – To remind us that a day without Day is like night. No word yet on a Susan Dey Day or a Kiki Dee Day.
  3. Leaf Blower Awareness Day – Hardly necessary. I mean what day are we not aware of them?
  4. Sarcasm Font Appreciation Day – Really? Yes, really. Whoopee, a whole day. Well la-ti-da. Everything I ever needed to know about sarcasm fonts I learned at Font U.
  5. A Hard Day’s Night Day – Who doesn’t love the Beatles. For me it’s just a day in the life.
  6. Kleenex Tissue Appreciation Day – This day is both mind and nose-blowing. Hemingway once said, “Courage is grace under pressure.” Well if that be true then “Kleenex is valor in the face slime.” To a self-sacrificing Kleenex, nose-blowing is mucous to their ears. Breaking News: Man sneezes on dog. Phlegm at 11.
  7. Tankless Hot Water Systems Appreciation Day – It’s a tankless task so they gave’m a day
  8. Self-Awareness Awareness Day – For enlightened people who forget themselves. It is celebrated by looking at yourself in a mirror until you’ve switched places or Alice shows up.
  9. National “Is This a Thing Day” – Well, is it a Thing? They gave it a day so I guess that makes it a Thing. Someone was thinging outside the box.
  10. Gee I Wonder if the Other Side of My Ceiling Fan Blades Have Satanic Messages On Them Appreciation Day – Helps paranoid homeowners come to terms with this great unknown.
  11. Poached Eggs with Salt and Pepper Over Crisp Toast Month – So good! I’m head ova heels for these eggs
  12. Scurvy Prevention Month – C if you handle it by eating beriberi. Lymes also prevent this disease
  13. Blood Donor Awareness Day – O I’m just trying to B positive about this even though the bloody English opted out of this Day through a Blexit
  14. Appreciating People Who Pronounce the words “Newcular, Supposebly and Aks” Correctly – It’s a hole nother way of preciating something
  15. Just to reiterate, and this isn’t part of the list, but the poached egg thing in #11…Huge. Try it again. Irresistible.
  16. Cars with Back-up Rear Camera Appreciation Day – A great device. I just wish my techno-savvy kid would stop secretly splicing in film of the Grand Canyon when I’m backing up. Scared the bejesus out of me.
  17. National I Wish My Kid Didn’t Scare the Bejesus Out of Me Day – (see above) It’s a day just for me thanks to my techno-savvy kid
  18. The Good Kind of Cancer Appreciation Day – Thank the Lord for small favors and even smaller tumors
  19. List of Ultra-Obscure National “Appreciation” Days Appreciation Day – Start yours today

 

Cleveland Indians to Change Name

Private email between Cleveland’s front office and Politically Correct Consultants LLC was intercepted and is presented below:

Dear Cleveland Indigenous Peoples’ Baseball Team,

As per our $2 million contract to provide you with a comprehensive list of appealing, yet inoffensive nicknames for the team, we’ve listed below prospective cognomens you should consider. And precisely because you’re paying us $2 million we used the word cognomens instead of the more appropriate word nicknames.

Before each nickname below, please say to yourself: “The Cleveland <insert nickname>”.

    1. Cuticles – Where all the games are nail biters
    2. Make the Indians Great Again – We know. It has the words “Indians” in it, but it’s appeal to a certain group is undeniable. We see MIGA hats everywhere.
    3. Eeries – The scary mistake by the lake
    4. COVIDS – We think it’s an infectious little nickname. Too soon? Let’s find out.
    5. Grovers – They hope to win 2 non-consecutive championships
    6. Plain Dealers – Sponsored by the local newspaper. BTW, a newspaper is that big papery thing with print on it.
    7. The Baseball Team Formerly Known as the Cleveland Indians – And we’ll use Prince’s symbol in place of “Indians”
    8. Savages – Not Indian savages. Just generic savages. Yeah that’s what we’ll tell’em.
    9. Ohioans – A stupid name, but if Houston can be the Texans, then why not the Cleveland Ohioans. Up next: The Red Sox become the Boston Massachusettsans
    10. Quid Pro Quos – Give as good as you get. For every run you score, you’ll surrender one in return.
    11. Indianans – Wrong state, but we could kinda sneak in the Native American flavor while maintaining plausible deniability
    12. Not-so-Cavaliers – They take things more seriously than their NBA brothers
    13. We Honor All Primates No Matter How Much More Advanced We Are Than They Are – A little wordy, but sure to receive the approbation of the Animal Kingdom

Should you have any questions or comments we’re available for video conferencing on ZOOM or CAUGHTMASTURBATING

All Seriousness Aside,

Politically Correct Consultants LLC

One of These is True

  1. Aging porn stars starting to show cracks. Starting? What else is new?
  2. What happens if President Trump is unable to govern? A. How will we know the difference.
  3. In my drawers there’s a shorts story entitled: A Brief History of Briefs
  4. I’m a great believer in the 2-party system: one in the morning and one in the evening.
  5. Deathbed Encouragement I: Jesse Jackson to Bob Hope: “Keep hope alive. We must keep hope alive.
  6. Deathbed Encouragement II: Steven Tyler to his daughter Liv Tyler. “Live, Liv. Live.”
  7. Deathbed Encouragement III: Matthew McConaughey comforting a hospice patient, “Well alright, alright, alright.”
  8. Amazon Savant: You can give him any date and he can tell you how many business days it is from today.
  9. What’s the difference between brainstorming and barnstorming? There’s no “I” in barnstorming. Incidentally, there is no eye in blind either.
  10. Jesus’ Brother Reexamined

         Cheesus Christ – The true dairy Savior and the Patron Saint of lost cheese

  1. I divide the world in to 2 groups. The blindly ignorant who unshakably believe what they know. And the regular ignorant, who are just trying truths on for size and cling to nothing. For example, my articles of faith have been through several reprints.
  2. Lioness’s lonely niece links loneliness to lessons learned.
  3. Lament of the Ignorant: Nothing is as fun as I used to think it was
  4. I’m going off the reservation now and decamping to virtual reality. I think this whole list is starting to show cracks. Butt what of it?

 

Adages Upended and Amended

  1. Keep your friends close and your enemas closer
  2. Better late than pregnant
  3. Damn the torpedoes, and get me some scratch-offs
  4. It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for persimmons
  5. Some curse the darkness. Others light a fart.
  6. John Waters runs deep

    One good David deserves an audience.

  7. God helps those who wash behind their ears
  8. I’m only moderately clean – I’m just Spic
  9. If I said you looked like something that slid of a mud flap, would you hold it against me?
  10. I’m only moderately clean – I’m just Span
  11. OCD’s Lament: Measure 43 times, cut once.
  12. I’m only moderately clean. I’m not next to godliness, but I’m close.
  13. Epidermis is only skin deep
  14. Blood is redder than water
  15. Man doth not live by Ramen alone
  16. I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy
  17. Sometimes you have to fight marshmallows with marshmallows
  18. Actually I was just whistlin’ Dixie
  19. Cataracts are in the eye of the beholder
  20. Cataracts are in the falls of many rivers
  21. Cadillacs are in the garages of their owners
  22. We have met the enemy; and it’s Gretchen
  23. Forgive me, but amnesty is the best policy
  24. One good turn deserves a reach around
  25. Dove is blind. It’s also ¼ cleansing cream.
  26. Actions speak louder than Gilbert Gottfried
  27. Funny is the root of all anvils
  28. Peeing is believing
  29. When in room do as the roomans
  30. Absinthe makes the wart grow fungus
  31. The Golden Rule. Not amendable. Just practice it and you’ll do fine.

 

Rejected Attempts

  • A fishing net is worth a thousand worms
  • A day without sunshine is like night
  • You are what you toast
  • The shortest distance between 2 pimps is a whore
  • You’re through buying music…until the next format is invented
  • Great minds think
  • Haste makes waste and Nabisco makes Oreos
  • Tax evasion is the sincerest form of thievery
  • You can pick your nose, You can pick your friends, But you can’t carry forth non-depreciable tax items from the previous tax year

Mexican Cuisine ‘Splained

Mexican “cuisine” is one simple dish known by 34 different names. It’s some combination of meat, beans and rice shlopped into a tortilla, sprinkled with queso and served on a plate so hot it can melt the bones in your hand. Let me splain some more by analogizing this peasant fare to the Winter Olympics. Mexican cuisine is a lot like the Winter Olympics which purports to be a showcase of winter sports, but is really just an excuse to slide something (pucks, sleds, skates, skis and even rocks) on frozen water in 34 different ways. So just as the Winter Olympics is basically glorified sliding (wheeee!), Mexican food is a simply a glorified rearrangement of meat, beans and rice onto or into a tortilla, sprinkled with queso and served on a scorching plate so hot you’d think it had just been removed from the containment vessel of a nuclear reactor.

What’s in a Name

Yet another in the myriad ways of rearranging meat, beans and cheese in a tortilla – brilliant.

There are all sorts of designations of burritos. You’ve got your basic burrito, your super burrito (so big that illegal aliens have gotten across the border hidden inside one) and wet burritos (one hopes the wetness does not contain any human DNA). There are even transgendered burritos – where one is never sure which gender the burrito is currently identifying with, until you bite into it and then…Surprise!

There are tacos, taquitos (formerly called dwarf tacos) and tacolas (meat in a cane sugar Coca-Cola sauce). And if you don’t want your dish too spicy that’s no poblano.  

You’ve got your chimichangas, chilaquiles, ching-a-lingas and Chitty-Chitty Bang Bangs. There’s no end to the names for this simple farmer food. But know this: no matter what you order, you’re eating a rearrangement of the same thing – some combination of meat, beans and rice shlopped into or onto a tortilla and sprinkled with queso! You’re just sliding on frozen water while sitting on a tortilla.

All Nachos Are Created Equal

And of course there’s Nachos – just an unorganized pile of chips, beans, cheese and meat. I mean c’mon. They’re not even trying with this one. If you can make a mud pie, you can make nachos. And they come in a wide variety depending on how high and how deep you want it piled: There’s the Nacho Supreme. The Generalissimo Nacho, the Fine Corinthian Leather Nacho and of course the Nacho, Nacho Man. There are even Nacho Diploma Mills in Mexico where you can get a PHD in Nacho making – PHD: Piled Higher and Deeper. In addition to the diploma mills in Mexico, there’s also a Donna Mills in Hollywood whose starlet days have long since passed. But those eyes. Those Donna Mills eyes. She had 2 brothers you know. They were known as the Mills Brothers.

 

The People Want to Know

What’s the difference between a chalupa, a tostada and a gordita? Answer: about $1.20 at Taco Bell.  

When ordering Chile Relleno, always pronounce the 2 “l”s in Relleno – especially if you live in Reno.  

Did you know Enchiladas were the 14th iteration of the dish till they perfected it? Yup. There was the A chilada, the B chilada, the C chilada until they finally got it right with the N chilada.

Which reminds me of a politically incorrect joke you’ll not be offended by: What do they call Cinco de Mayo in China? – Chinko de Mayo.

Do you wave good bye to wavos rancheros, or do you huev good bye to huevos rancheros? Eggsellent question.

Let us not forget the lowly quesadilla. The grilled cheese of Mexican food. If you can get cheese to melt, you can make a quesadilla. There are 2 kinds of quesadillas: the regular one and the Special Needs Quesadilla. The Special Needs Quesadilla is when you smear a tortilla with Cheez Whiz and microwave it for 20 seconds.

OK there’s fajitas. Wow, they added onions and peppers to the usual suspects. How’d they ever come up with that? Fajitas come on an audibly sizzling plate that has only recently been warming in volcanic magma. Of course, with fajitas, some assembly is required. I mean you have to put the thing together yourself. Hmmm let’s see, what you do is put on your asbestos gloves, and shlopp your meat, beans and rice into a tortilla, sprinkled with queso and serve. And just in queso you run out of queso, there’s cheese.  

Guacamole Is Extra…Funny

The best thing about Mexican food is that they’ve legitimized the word “guacamole.” It’s the only time you’re allowed to say “gwok” or “molay” without getting laughed at. If mashed avocados never existed and you said “gwokamolay” people would think you were a drunken caveman. Think about how many times you’ve been asked, “Would you like gwokamolay.” And you’ve said, “Yes. I want gwokamolay.” You’ve agreed to eat gwokamolay. Anyway I probably shouldn’t do edibles when I write this stuff…but gwokamolay…really?

Flan: An Unfinished Word

I’ll grant you it’s a fine Mexican dessert, but it should rhyme with “plan.” It doesn’t. It rhymes with Juan. Do you realize if Juan wasn’t feeling well he might look wan? I just don’t have a plan for flan? I do not like green eggs and flan. Let me splain, it should be plain that flan should be spelled flane, then it wouldn’t be such a pain.

Enjoy all the Mexican food you want, but remember: the plate may be muis caliente.

 

 

These Will Tickle Your Punny Bone: Oxymoronic Infirmities

  1. Ailing insomniac sick and tired of being sick and tired
  2. Pregnant mothers who use Amazon Prime Obstetricians, don’t have to pay the delivery charge
  3. Podiatrist fears he’ll be just a footnote in history
  4. Cardiologist doesn’t have the heart to finish a transplant. Apparently someone stole the package left outside the operating room door.
  5. “Thanks doctor, for taking the stethoscope out of the freezer before using it on me.”

    Deranged woman pursues romance only with Podiatrists. Authorities say she’s a Podophile.

  6. Gastroenterologist who lacks intestinal fortitude is as spineless as a cowardly chiropractor
  7. Neurologist tells patients it’s all in their head
  8. Schizophrenic is at two with nature
  9. Eminent doctor loses license for having sex with patients. It’s shame because he was one of the best veterinarians in the state.
  10. Esoteric reference: Laugh-In fanatic cannot differentiate between Artie Johnson and Henry Gibson
  11. Guy on ventilator sorry he snapped at nurse. Says he was just venting.
  12. Psychiatrist who told patient, “It’s all in your head” went to same school as the Neurologist
  13. Reference #10: I think Henry Gibson did those poems and Artie Johnson was that German soldier behind the plant.
  14. A really good fit? Female Urologist marries male OB/GYN. Families say they’re made for each other.
  15. Ophthalmologist lacks focus. Can’t see his way clearly. Unable to read between the lines. Especially the ones with EZCD
  16. Dermatologists’ understanding of the human body is only skin deep
  17. It Can’t be Explained: Prominent Internist is clearly extroverted
  18. Nephrologist puts band-aid on kid’s knee, even though kidneys, and not kids’ knees, are his specialty
  19. Anti-Vaxxers who inoculate themselves with falsehoods aren’t immune from criticism
  20. Urologist is pissed his confused patient doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going
  21. Otolaryngologist doesn’t know what he specializes in. Just tells patients to hydrate.
  22. Meaningless Irony: Radiologist loses FM signal on lonely highway. This happened early in the AM.
  23. Rheumatologist says mancave is his favorite rheum in the house
  24. Grim Reaper has “had it” with 253-year-old procrastinator who keeps putting him off.
  25. Homeopath reminds patients, “We’re not gay. It just sounds like we are.” Seinfeld Disclaimer: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
  26. Osteopath vows to bone up on humorous…things
  27. Death of the Party? – Boring anesthesiologist puts everyone to sleep with his tranquilizing stories
  28. Uncredentialed Baby Doctor who says he’s, “this many fingers” old, is taken back to the orphanage
  29. This is the last of the “ember” months till next Fall. Try to remember the kind of September, by raking the embers to keep the home fires burning. I’ll be looking for your light.