Archive for August, 2018

Not Quite Medical Conditions

  1. Longness of Breath – Why get caught short?
  2. Acute Baby – It’s better than an ugly one
  3. Vowel Movement – Grammarians recommend 2 to 3 compacted vowel movements a day
  4. Chronic Consonant Crowding – To be found in the word shrimp or shrank: 6 letters, 5 consonants 83.3% consonant compliant. Also found in the word catchphrase which has a whopping 6 consecutive consonants – take that syzygy.
  5. Pancreatic Fondling – Who doesn’t? Y’know, when you’re alone and no one’s watching
  6. Spinal Men-in Black – Greatly preferred over Spinal Meningitis
  7. Medium Pox – Get the Pox size that’s right for you!
  8. Atrial Fluffernutter – A disease that’s close to my heart
  9. Myocardial Infantilism – I don’t even know what I’m talking about here I just like to say “Myocardial Infantilism.”
  10. Stereo-nucleosis – Again, it’s greatly preferred over Mono-nucleosis
  11. Mono-Poly – A great way to mispronounce Monopoly. Mono-Poly: where the accent’s on fun.
  12. Fractured Fairy Tales – Broke my heart to read them
  13. One Toke Over the Lyme…disease – When life gives you limes, you make limeade?
  14. Help! I’m Coming Apart at the Seams – Well then, you probably need a good screwing.
  15. Ack Knee – Greatly preferred to acne
  16. Dry Hump – Starts around puberty
  17. Lymph Penis Syndrome – Starts around Social Security
  18. Freudian Dandruff – A syndrome suffered by flakes
  19. Freudian Girdle – Sorry, another Freudian reference – I must be slipping.
  20. Chronic Freudian Reference Syndrome – A unique disorder manifested by writer’s with supreme intellijence.
  21. Detached Attitude – Could care less about this condition
  22. Arrested Leg Syndrome – Gotta walk the line otherwise you get the boot
  23. Hepa-tight-ass – When you can’t tip more than 15%
  24. Foot in Mouth Disease – When you tell the truth by accident
  25. Writers’ Gaffe – When you tell the truth by accident

Traces of George Washington’s Body Heat Discovered in Bed Where He Died

Startling discovery made in the hallowed bed where George Washington died at Mount Vernon.

Dr. Kelly Applewhite, President of the Mount Vernon Ladies Association, recounted her early days at the mansion when she gave tours. She remembers how smart aleck visitors would sometimes peer into the bedroom of George Washington and ask in mock seriousness, “Now is any of his body heat still in the bed?” Many in the tour group would chuckle which drew a furtive look of condemnation from a then youthful Kelly as the contrite wise guy realized he had crossed a line in referring to our illustrious forefather.

 

But maybe this loose cannon wasn’t off target with his flippant jest. In fact it has now been confirmed he hit the bullseye with his remark based on a Homeland Security team’s recent discovery. While on a mission to terror-proof Mount Vernon they were stunned by what they uncovered. The team was utilizing night vision goggles to securitize the national landmark from prospective defilers when specialists noticed an eerie glow emanating from the bed where the Father of Our Country expired on December 14, 1799. Upon closer inspection, and in tandem with expertise provided by Dr. Applewhite, it was conclusively determined through thermal imagery, that the slowly fading heat signature was none other than George Washington’s. The outline was unmistakable; right down to the peculiar heat signature on his left thigh where he’d had an abscess removed in 1793. A less distinct glowing mass to the left of the General’s was described as “of a matronly contour ” and is believed to be that of his loving wife Martha who had crawled into bed and kept vigil over the stricken chieftain that fateful night.

 

Birth of an Avatar

George Washington lives on in the hearts of his countrymen and now in the outline of his body heat still resident in the bed where he died. What lends further credence to this discovery is that it is well-known Martha never spent another night in that room or in that bed after her beloved husband died. She lived her last 3 years in a modest 3rd floor dormer room heated by a Franklin stove. Records produced by the Mount Vernon Ladies Association who superintend the mansion and the General’s legacy, reveal that upon removal of George Washington’s lifeless body from the four-post bed, it was meticulously remade and sanctified so that no one else would ever disturb the sacred linen bedding where our first President drew his last breath.

 

Thermal image historic preservationists are working diligently to maintain the 219 year-old cooling outline of Mr. Washington’s body before it evanesces into the ethers. They are flatly astonished that this heat energy could be preserved and husbanded in one bed for over two centuries without supernatural intervention. Thermal preservationists said that based on even the most generous thermo-evaporative calculations, his body heat should’ve completely vanished by December 15, 1799. That leaves almost 219 years unaccounted for.

 

Whether a burning communal respect for the General was still providing enduring kindling for the outlined memory of our revered forefather, thermal preservationists weren’t saying. They do however, hope to heat the room to an optimal temperature whereby the dissipating heat of George Washington’s image retains a half-life of 400 years thereby preserving the great man’s thermal signature for generations to come. Of course in their exuberance to preserve a constant yet minimal temperature differential, thermal preservationists run the risk of overheating the room and co-mingling the ambient heat with George Washington’s body heat such that the delicate isothermic outlines of the General’s body lose their ghostly distinction and melt into each other. And while this disappearance would be a loss to posterity, it might be in keeping with the military bearing and sterling character of George Washington.

When and if George Washington’s body heat does surrender its warmth to the surrounding atmosphere, it will echo the words of General Douglas MacArthur who in his resignation speech before congress in 1952 proclaimed, “Old soldiers never die. They just fade away.”

Newspaper Headlines from the 1930s

  1. Local Bank Stuck Up. Bank manager disagrees. Says employees aren’t pretentious at all.
  2. Greta Garbo Places Personal Ad. Evidently she no longer vants to be alone.
  3. Astronomer’s All Agree: Babe Ruth’s Head Couldn’t Possibly Get Any Bigger
  4. Motion Pictures to be called “Movies”
  5. Wretched Economic Conditions to be called “The Depression”
  6. Curious Voters Demand to Know: “Why is FDR Always Sitting?”
  7. Howard Hughes Starting to Act Weird. Former Housekeeper Says Crawl Spaces Filled with Jars of Urine.
  8. Sigmund Freud Believes the Depression is Causing depression
  9. Aviator Charles Lindbergh Crosses…His Mother – Marries Anne Morrow
  10. Charles Lindbergh Likes to Fly His Plane Fast Against Others. Experts All Agree – He’s a Racist.
  11. Nazi Germany Becoming a Little Too Well Organized
  12. Italy Asks: WWMD – What Would Mussolini Do?
  13. America Asks: What’s the Deal with the New Deal?
  14. The Beatles Invade New York City. ////I know. It’s from the 60s, but I just love the Beatles.
  15. Country Loses Productivity as Millions Waste Time Listening to the Wireless
  16. John Steinbeck Encouraged to Change Book Title from The Wrath of Grapes
  17. Mickey Mouse Still Wearing a Diaper Despite Being 7 Years Old Now
  18. Sediment from Dust Bowl Packaged as Ovaltine
  19. Warren Beatty & Faye Dunaway Born. Will Grow Up to Become Bonnie & Clyde
  20. Black Speedster Jesse Owens Wins 4 Gold Medals at Berlin Olympics. Indignant Hitler Fills Them with Chocolate.
  21. Architects Hold Up Bank. Claim it’s the only way to prevent it from sagging.
  22. Playtex Holds Up Mae West. Claim it’s the only way to prevent her from sagging.
  23. Archaeologists Begin Search for Eleanor Roosevelt’s Chin.
  24. Hindenburg Hoax Continues. Dirigible Seen Intact in Stuttgart. “Oh the Duplicity.”
  25. Miss America Marries Mr. Universe. Gives Birth to Baby Ruth
  26. Einstein Beginning to Wash Hair in Static Electricity
  27. Prohibition Ends Today: Entire Country Hungover Tomorrow
  28. Jazz Music and Marijuana Corrupting America’s Youth. One Must Be Made Illegal!