Archive for September, 2023

Things You Don’t Know About Me

  1. I’m the inspiration for the song “Don’t Stand So Close to Me”
  2. My middle name is Bathsheba
  3. I’m just choosing to be heterosexual. I haven’t been able to pray the lay away
  4. I know a guy who doesn’t have a podcast
  5. All anyone says anymore is: Specificity is just marmalade without the orange rind. OMG, if I hear that one more time!
  6. When I was younger I played my organ a lot
  7. When I witness a warm, poignant moment, it doesn’t melt my heart. It melts my ear wax. So if you ever see glistening streaks flowing from my ears, you’ll know I’m either overcome with emotion or I’m suffering from otorrhea.
  8. My left leg is two feet longer than my right. I’m just green-screened. Thank you CGI.
  9. My two feet are both left-footed (this is why none of you have seen me swimming)
  10. If you’re as stupid as me you’re still reading this
  11. If I’m as stupid as you, I’m still writing this
  12. Memo to Col. Jessup: I can handle the truth and I don’t need you on that wall
  13. I’ll say it again: The Getty family is having Trust issues
  14. The Israeli Supreme Court is known as the Jewdiciary
  15. Can’t write more. Gotta run. The Beverly Hillbillies are on in 3 minutes
  16. And I guess you can tell from #15: I still don’t know how to record anything from the TV

Me, Obsessed with Lalo Schifrin? Hardly.

Is Lalo pointing to hell, or is he upside down and pointing to heaven? He’s always signaling me.

Lalo Schifrin is, among other things, the 91-year-old composer of the theme to Mission Impossible. He was born in Buenos Aires and was awarded a special Oscar for his body of work including the scores of such films as Cool Hand Luke, Bullitt and Rush Hour. Now here’s the beauty part of this whole “what are you doing in my bathroom” misunderstanding: I can stop talking about Lalo Schifrin anytime I want. I just don’t choose to not talk about Lalo Schifrin. It’s not a problem for me. I can quit anytime, at least that’s what I’ve learned at my LSA meetings: Lalo Schifrin Anonymous meetings.


My so-called obsession is so under control, it’s not even funny. In fact, it’s just ridiculous to think some people (a Grand Jury in Los Angeles for example) believe I have a “Lalo Schifrin problem.” Now, years ago, I will admit, I had a bit of a Henry Mancini fixation, but through counseling and restraining orders I worked it all out. This whole Lalo Schifrin thing is a completely different animal, in that I got hit with the restraining order first and the mandatory counseling second. Completely different situation. My probation officer says this kind of journaling is helpful. It’s also a condition of my house arrest.


Watch this: I think Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes is a great athlete. See, I went a whole sentence without, referring to, mentioning or otherwise focusing on Lalo Schifrin. I am cured. He’s the one with the David Hardiman problem. I mean that razor wire around his compound is hardly necessary – especially since I have a key to his service entrance.

He also wrote the theme from Mannix. What can’t he do?


For me, not talking about Lalo Schifrin is Mission Possible. I’m so over Lalo and his stupid security guards. So when someone accuses me of being obsessed with Lalo Schifrin all I can say is: “Child Please!” Done. Over it. Next!


You know, I find composer Danny Elfman intriguing these days. Maybe I’ll drop him a note from one of my fleet of drones. After all, he is the Elf Man – goo goo ga joob!