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Things You Don’t Know About Me

  1. I’m the inspiration for the song “Don’t Stand So Close to Me”
  2. My middle name is Bathsheba
  3. I’m just choosing to be heterosexual. I haven’t been able to pray the lay away
  4. I know a guy who doesn’t have a podcast
  5. All anyone says anymore is: Specificity is just marmalade without the orange rind. OMG, if I hear that one more time!
  6. When I was younger I played my organ a lot
  7. When I witness a warm, poignant moment, it doesn’t melt my heart. It melts my ear wax. So if you ever see glistening streaks flowing from my ears, you’ll know I’m either overcome with emotion or I’m suffering from otorrhea.
  8. My left leg is two feet longer than my right. I’m just green-screened. Thank you CGI.
  9. My two feet are both left-footed (this is why none of you have seen me swimming)
  10. If you’re as stupid as me you’re still reading this
  11. If I’m as stupid as you, I’m still writing this
  12. Memo to Col. Jessup: I can handle the truth and I don’t need you on that wall
  13. I’ll say it again: The Getty family is having Trust issues
  14. The Israeli Supreme Court is known as the Jewdiciary
  15. Can’t write more. Gotta run. The Beverly Hillbillies are on in 3 minutes
  16. And I guess you can tell from #15: I still don’t know how to record anything from the TV