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Fruit Noir: Stories from the Delinquent Produce Series

  1. Fallen Apple: A Story of Utmost Gravity
  2. The Thin-skinned Tomato: The Case of the Saucy Wench
  3. When Bananas Go Black: “Dear God. Now My Only Future is Banana Bread.”
  4. The Case of the Puckered Plum: He’s All Ready to Be Kissed, But Now He’s Too Old
  5. Cherries in the Pits: Gasoline Alley is Their Redemption (yes, those pits)
  6. When Oranges Get Moldy: How Their Death Gave the World Penicillin
  7. When Peaches Go Soft: Another Way to Feel a Warm, Soft Fuzzy
  8. Where Do We Find Mangoes? Wherever Wo’man goes’
  9. I Don’t Give a Fig: Lack of Compassion in a Ficus carica tree Comes Back to Haunt It
  10. I Know What the Dried-up, Deformed Lemon Behind the Refrigerator Did Last Summer
  11. The Case of Barry Buried Because of Beri-Beri: Shoulda Eaten Berries
  12. Sour Grapes: I Know I Could’ve Written a Much Funnier List, I Just Didn’t Want Too

Highly Specific (and possibly dubious) Charities

  1. The Autobahn Society – A German charity for drivers who like to fly down the road. Not to be confused with the Audubon Society which is for the birds
  2. SPCA – The Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Airheads. Even idiots deserve protection.
  3. Make-a-Fish Foundation – This charity enables critically ill fish to fulfill a lifelong dream before going belly up
  4. Ain’t No Mountain High Enough – The Polish Tourism Board’s initiative to relocate Mt. Everest to Warsaw. As they say: “Together we can move mountains.”

    They say charity begins at home – usually online and with a credit card.

  5. The Alfred J Hitchcock Attic Fund – A Ghoulish Fundraiser to Exhume, Taxidermy and Display the Body of Anthony Perkins (star of Psycho) in a cobwebby attic
  6. Habitat for Profanity – This charity builds soundproof housing for potty mouth residents
  7. Doctors Without Bladders – This group is the best on the continent and also incontinent
  8. Cereal Huggers of America – Combats Big Farma’s evil practice of growing wheat just to slaughter it in annual genocidal harvests
  9. Friends of Bringing in the Sheaves – This Charity Group hopes to install “Bringing in the Sheaves” as America’s National Anthem
  10. Bröders Without Borders – German familial organization promoting the unrestricted travel of German brothers
  11. PETAC – People for the Ethical Treatment of Animal Crackers. They’re in the process of combining with Cereal Huggers of America
  12. The Endowment for People Who’d Like to be Better Endowed – Seeks donations from people with really big endowments
  13. The Pew Charitable Trust – Pew, they stink. It is advised you stay upwind from these very effective do-gooders. Best to donate online.
  14. The Salvation Navy – At Xmas, instead of ringing a bell, they blow a foghorn
  15. NAACP for Chocolatiers – The National Association for the Advancement of Chocolate People is a charity designed to prevent discrimination against artisan chocolate makers
  16. A Fund to Make Echoes Last Longer – I said, a Fund to Make Echoes Last Longer. I said, a Fund to Make Echoes Last Longer.

 

All new Amazon plants to be built from wood. I guess that makes them plant based plants.

 

Reasons Why People Choose to be Euthanized

The Topic is Dark, But in an Upbeat, Dark Chocolate Kinda Way

Reasons Why People Choose to be Euthanized

  1. They now find that when one door closes, another 2 doors also close
  2. Try as they might, whenever life gives them lemons, all they can make is urine
  3. Nut milks not delivering on their promise
  4. HHDS (Hogan’s Heroes Derangement Syndrome). Ever since Hogan’s Heroes was summarily cancelled (without explanation) in 1971, hundreds of post-adolescent men have suffered from this late onset syndrome. I know I do.

Reset: Reasons People Choose to be Euthanized

  1. One of their personalities gets a Restraining Order on the other
  2. Their self-driving car goes out on rides without them
  3. They’re convinced those cyber bitches Alexa and Siri are scheming against them
  4. No one is impressed any more by your “State Quarter” collection. And then you discover they weren’t impressed by it in the first place.
  5. Toaster doesn’t care where you set the Darkness dial. It pops up after it thinks it’s done
  6. You just spotted your so-called Psychiatrist washing dishes at the Waffle House
  7. Every time you get to the front of the line, everyone turns 180° around and says, “Sorry Charlie, you’re at the back now?”
  8. You can no longer find Rita Moreno’s 1980 Pepsodent commercial on YouTube
  9. The endless frustration of being unable to turn raisins back into grapes
  10. Did you know that Euthanasia outnumber youth in Europe?
  11. Your self-deprecating humor now hitting too close to home
  12. Your shadow is now acting independently of your movements
  13. That Aha video “Take On Me” no longer brings you the joy it once did. In fact it’s scary as hell now.
  14. Some people euthanize preemptively because they think they’ve learned all they can from this incarnation and just want to get on with the next one

Virtue Signaling Tweets Gone Wrong: Man at His Oblivious Best

  1. I stand with all paraplegics
  2. Freedom is not dom, it just sounds that way
  3. Beavers Lives Matter #JerryMathersMatters
  4. I deeply care about things in an abstract, non-participatory sense
  5. I’m passionate about slacktivism and clicktivism
  6. If I knew what disingenuous meant, I guess I’d be angry
  7. I donate money to many causes anonymously. Here’s a list.
  8. I have high moral values…in public
  9. I’m just a humble narcissist expressing his false modesty

A List of Half-Baked Ideas Written By a Half-Wit, Making Them Only ¼ Ideas

  1. I’m just a humble narcissist suffering from false modesty
  2. Most appropriate song in the Ukraine: Crimea River
  3. Warning to Anna Phylactic: The enclosed Ideas were written on equipment used in processing tree nuts
  4. Henceforth all cities are forbidden to change their names. Listening Peking, Bombay, Kiev? Nobody needed to learn Beijing, Mumbai or Kyiv. Heck, I still call New York City, New Amsterdam. Sometimes I even refer to North America as Terra Incognita or simply the New World, but I’m an old soul. And you too P Diddy or whatever is the latest iteration of your name. You will always be Sean Combs. It’s bad enough your first name doesn’t have an “h” in it.

    I love my kitty. This picture has nothing to do with this list. I just love my kitty and I don’t care who knows.

  5. You’d think the UCS (Union of Concerned Scientists) would have greater interest in this list. They don’t. These so called “Concerned Scientists” could care less. Hypocritical bastards.
  6. If you don’t like this list, don’t humor me with that, “It’s not you, it’s the font” malarkey
  7. My dog thinks these ideas are too clever by arf.
  8. If when reading this list you experience dangerous waves of laughter, stop reading and dial 911…and please listen carefully because some of their menu options have changed
  9. #9 removed by the Union of Concerned Scientist because they were concerned it was “too funny” and would lead to #8. Oh sure, I’m at my funniest and suddenly they’re all concerned.
  10. #10 removed by the humanitarian organization Doctors Without Bladders. Well they can piss off.
  11. My yogurt has had its acidophilus and bulgaricus culture removed by woke vegans. Just another example of cancel culture.
  12. The Cyrillic Alphabet is hard enough, but the symbols ¥ĭŋŧŧƌƣǣȝȾɏɖɖ will lead you to Rune
  13. What makes us human? Well we’re the only species to look at our Q-Tips or Kleenex after we’ve used them
  14. I’m more aware of your pancreas than you think
  15. When is it appropriate to donate something to Goodwill? For example, I have things hanging in my closet I haven’t worn in over a year: a really ugly vest and a couple of raccoons I found guilty of treason. Do I just give them away?

 

Note to Readers: David Hardiman is a multi-adaptive platform, replete with a suite of tools designed to create user-friendly content. He now refers to himself as the symbol “Ɵ.”

Hello again everyone. I am Ɵ (the multi-adaptive platform, replete with a suite of tools designed to create user-friendly content formerly known as David Hardiman). Glad to of made your acquaintance. No. That should have read: Glad to have made your acquaintance. Maybe it is the font after all.

 

Peace and Love,

Ringo

Disneyland Announces a New Addition to Its Theme Park: Cruella’s Tomb Town

CEO Heralds Cruella’s Tomb Town as “Hilariously Grave”

Coming on the heels of its popular Toon Town, the Walt Disney Corporation announced a ghoulishly new addition called Cruella’s Tomb Town. The delightfully macabre park is overseen by the wicked villainess who shows a cheerier side of herself. The park promises to combine the heart-stopping thrill of graveyard walking with the white-knuckling chill of mortuary science. “You might enter the gates of Tomb Town feeling becalmed, but you’ll leave feeling embalmed,” said Disney CEO Bob Chapek in a cryptic XOOM meeting with shareholders.

Keep your friends close, and your Glenn Close too.

A suitably morose Chapek said he hopes Tomb Town can pick up where Michael Jackson’s Thriller left off, but without all the adolescent sleepovers. “This is going to be bigger than gender reveal parties and kids are going to just love the ice cream served at the Tomb Town Creamatorium – it’s scooped into a cute little urn and sprinkled with Jimmys – Jimmy Hoffa’s.” Then, thinking his XOOM camera was off, Chapek took off his shirt and scratched like an ape.  

Early beta-testing of Tomb Town revealed a few kinks. For example an employee was arrested for indecent exposure while trying to lay a wreath at the grave of Hugh Hefner. Disney brushed off the whole affair as a simple case of “miscommunication.” In another incident, Tinkerbell bitch-slapped a heckling visitor while shouting, “Oh yeah, I’ll show you who’s a fairy.” But all these glitches were ironed out and now Cruella’s Tomb Town is a side-splitting celebration of cemetery satire, a bastion of boffo boneyard absurdity, a mecca of mausoleum mirth and a crypt of killer comedy. Who knew a happily morbid park could do all that?

Cruella’s Tomb Town features such amusing and macabre delights as:

  1. The Hall of Animatronic Caskets where you can hear one casket say to the other, “Is that you coffin?”
  2. Skeletons of the Caribbean – Enjoy a politically incorrect laugh when you hear the Japanese captain announce over the ship’s intercom, “This is your pirate speaking.”
  3. Burial Pyramid of Calvin Burkhart – A tribute to the greatest triangle player the world has ever known
  4. The Urn of Cinder-ella – Talk about return to cinder. On Saturday night the Spice Girls perform and at exactly midnight they all turn into Pumpkin Spice.
  5. The Catacombs of Katy Coombs – They’re not Popes. They’re all Katies. Katies named Coombs. And who created these catacombs? – Katydid.
  6. Bates Motel Attic of Taxidermied Animals – You’ll feel so unclean after viewing them, you’ll want to take a shower right there. Not a good idea. Park managers strongly advise you shower when you get home.
  7. Plot of the Plotters of the Lincoln Assassination – You’ll plotz when you see their dastardly plots
  8. Tomb of Dumbo the Elephant – Or is it the Elephant Man? Either way that’s one helluva trunk.
  9. Cryogenic Crypt of the Cast of Frozen – Careful, there are some real ice-holes buried here
  10. It’s a Really, Really, Really Small World After All – Burial ground for professors of quantum physics
  11. It’s a Tall World After All – Burial ground of former Los Angeles Lakers
  12. See the Tomb of the Unknown Celebrity – You know his face, but you can’t quite remember his name: It’s that guy from, you know, that show where he’s the father of grown-up Opie   
  13. Tomb of the Well Known Vagrant – He accomplished little and amounted to even less, but just like a Cheers customer, everybody knew his name: Boxcar Willie
  14. Grave of Peter Graves – Mission Possible. Very popular with boomers. The grave self-destructs every 5 seconds
  15. Crypts of the Osmonds’ – We know. They’re all still living, but these are the coffins they plan to be buried in. Marie’s is a little bit country and Donny’s is a little bit Rock-n-Roll. Andy Williams is interred nearby.
  16. Main Street Parade – If you thought the choreography in Thriller was stiff, wait till you see the Zombies lurch in this chilling celebration of the afterlife. Sponsored by Caucasian Boogie Co.
  17. OB/GYN Land – Hear Nurse Martin sing: ♫Mary had a little lamb and the doctor was surprised♫
  18. Crypt of the Transgendered Hermaphrodite – It’s a real Journey. ♫Any way you want it. That’s the way you need it. Any way you want it♫  
  19. Buying a Big Box Casket from a Big Box Store – It’s like buying a moo-moo at the Dress Barn. A match made in heaven. Prepare for your post-existing condition today
  20. Cadaverous Food Court – Business is dead and so are half the patrons in this light-hearted look at dining with the deceased. All the fast food restaurants are represented: Scary Queen, Dead Lobster, iHopped and of course the regular version of Waffle House.
  21. See Bodies Lying in State – This mp3 file shows people lying in different states: Iowa, Tennessee and some are even lying in a state of serenity. And while some are lying in state, others are telling the truth. Not recommended for people that don’t like visual puns.
  22. Tomb of the Unknown Narcissist – You really have to watch yourself in this one. Maybe you don’t know who he is, but he sure does. Even when he died he didn’t stray far from his body. Put it this way, when he died he was absolutely beside himself.

CEO Chapek believes the future belongs to the squeamish and that Cruella’s Tomb Town is uniquely positioned to capture this cultural wince factor. With the addition of Cruella’s Tomb Town, we’ll soon discover whether Disney can be both the happiest and ghastliest place on earth.

The Simple Annals of Vinnie Fanucci

The circumstances of my early life afforded me opportunities a wellborn boy might never have had. Not that I was poorly-born, but I certainly wasn’t wellborn either. Let’s put it this way, I was just…well…born – without being wellborn. My strained syntax has led some to label me a White Semanticist, but I consider myself more of a Grammar Cracker.  And I always thought a syntax was something you paid to the devil for having a little fun.

 

These are the size of the mirrors we glaziers worked with regularly at our family’s glass shop. 

More to the point, when I was a teenager working at my family’s glass shop, I was privy to a cast of colorful characters we employed from time to time. They ranged in temperament from the rowdy rascal to the lovable lug to the bastard biker. This clutch of inexpert glaziers were usually from the Italian Northside enclave of Syracuse. They all knew each other from high school and they also knew that Eastwood Glass was a quick way to transform themselves from hungover on a Sunday to gainfully employed on a Monday. This employment makeover usually was the result of receiving a call from one of their network of friends alerting them that Eastwood Glass needed a couple of guys for some jobs that Monday.

 

One of these bevy of factotums was Vinnie Fanucci. Mr. Fanucci…nah, that doesn’t sound right. No matter how many times you say “Mr. Fanucci” it just doesn’t ring true – it sounds like some kind of Italian undersea character featured on Sponge Bob SquarePants. You simply cannot have a “Mr.” before Fanucci and not think in terms of a cartoon character. While he wasn’t exactly a Mr. Fanucci, he was definitely a Vinnie – through and through.

 

Vinnie and his motley band of cohorts (Johnny Ventresca, Mike Procopio, Stewart Vendetti, Nicky the boxer, a fat guy named Tiny et al) all somehow made it through high school – probably because Principal Spadafora couldn’t stand the thought of having them back for another year and ushered them through the system. And since they weren’t in jail and were able to blink their eyes in unison, they qualified easily as potential Eastwood Glass Shop employees. Vinnie worked on and off for us in the late 70s and early 80s and enjoyed the casual barrier to entry into the workforce that Eastwood Glass afforded him. He was amateurish yet dogged in performing the skills of a glazier.

 

Vinnie was a streetwise guy, combining equal parts kindness and rowdiness. He suffered from strabismus – a misalignment of the eye whereby he’d be looking at you straight in the face, but he’d be describing something happening 30 feet down the street. His affliction is more commonly referred to as being wall-eyed. His visual defect wasn’t a problem, but it could’ve been. I mean it’s not like we were working with large and dangerously brittle panes of glass that could sever an artery or something.

 

Vinnie’s friendly Roman face possessed warm, endearing puppy dog features – like if Robert DeNiro had been born a Beagle. He learned his roughhewn ways on the street where I’m sure he also learned any Japanese tea ceremony etiquette he may have picked up.     Read the rest of this entry »

Sort of Lisping, Yet Short of Lisping

1. Physicist insists his wrist is twisted. “Nyet. It’s just a cyst that persists,” says fellow physicist Seth Sovich. “That’s the gist.”
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Lists I’d Like to See
1. A ship foundering at sea and listing heavily. Mostly Letterman Top 10 Lists and maybe a shopping list or To-Do list.
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Lisps I’d Like to Hear
1. I myth you (as said to any of the Greek Gods)
2. Q. What’s the differenths between a pith helmet and pith helmet?
     A. If you don’t know the difference, urine trouble.
3. ♫Itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini♫ is my favorite thong.
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And finally, a colleague of mine has ascended to the highest office in the land. Bernie Schwartz now works on the 108th floor of the Sears Tower. It’s the highest office in the land. Yeth it ith.

Jesus FAQs

For those unfamiliar with the life and times of Jesus of Nazareth, I’ve provided some FAQs to help people reacquaint themself with the great Savior:

  1. Did Jesus ever get stoned? No, but many times he came close to getting stoned when he ran afoul of the Romans.
  2. Did Jesus write anything? Nope. All his gospels are “as told by.” Think of them as being ghost written – by the Holy Ghost.
  3. Did Jesus have dates? Yes. Hundreds of them. He loved dates and they were a very abundant and cheap food source in the greater Judea area.
  4. Did Jesus’s brother James, suffer from an inferiority complex? Yup. How could he not? His older brother was a light unto the world, whereas James once lit a manger on fire. Surprisingly though, James could change water into ice, but only if the temperature dropped below 32°.
  5. Does Jesus have the ability to integrate the content of all your applications into one seamless platform? Child please!
  6. Why doesn’t Jesus just return and shower the world in beatific love? He has. Several times, but most people are antagonistic toward this itinerant, long-haired hippie spouting off about doing unto others and loving thy neighbor. He’s had poor management of late – like Elvis did in the 1970s. Where’s an apostle when you need one.
  7. How dark was Jesus’ skin? Let’s put it this way – he wouldn’t exactly be welcomed in some of his churches today.
  8. If Jesus had a residency in Las Vegas, what would he perform? Well, he’d probably kickoff the show with Sermon on the Mount and maybe follow that up with a version of “Crocodile Rock.” He’d blow away illusionist David Copperfield’s disappearing spectacles. Instead of making an elephant vanish, Jesus would do the same with hate and anger. Great stuff. At the end of the show I’d envision a mic drop and then an ascension up through the proscenium arch.
  9. Did Jesus have any tattoos? Yes. One. It read: WWMD – What Would Moses Do.
  10. Did he throw a ball like a girl? No way. Not JC. In fact he could slingshot a rock better than David (not me, but the Biblical David,).
  11. Was Jesus musical? Kinda. He could play air versions of all the popular instruments back in the day: air drums, air flute and a mean air harp. And yet he was scrupulous about never putting on any airs.
  12. Who cut Jesus’s hair? A very young Barbara Walters.
  13. Was Jesus at Woodstock? Inconclusive. He would’ve blended in so well with the rest of the hippies, nobody would’ve noticed except maybe Crosby, Stills and Nash who referred to him in their song Woodstock, “Well I came upon the child of God, he was walking along the road…”
  14. Was Jesus aware of the dangers of asbestos? No…asbestos we can tell anyway.
  15. Did Jesus get along with his father? Yes, although he thought his dad was kind of an absentee father, who was there in spirit only.
  16. Do people still love Jesus today? Well yes, but people seem to love the “idea” of Jesus more than actually practicing his message of non-judgment, self-reflection, forgiveness and the Golden Rule. Many use his good name to fleece their flock of donations to buy mansions on the ground, instead of mansions in the sky.

 

I’m Just Another Grammar Cracker. If Oliver Cromwell was the Lord Protector of England, I am the Lord Enabler of English.

If Joe Namath Lived During the Time of Shakespeare, this confusion might arise at the Knights’ Induction Center. Let’s listen in:
Drill Instructor (DI): Welcometh all to thine Queen’s army. I shall requireth some information from each of thou before we begin drills.

Not your average Joe…Namath.

The DI then walks up to Broadway Joe and asks him, “Nameth?”

Joe Namath: Yes.
DI: What do you mean Yes? Your nameth is Yes.
Joe Namath: No. My Nameth is Namath.
DI: What?
Joe Namath: No. Watt’s the inventor of the Steam Engine.
DI: Huh. Who’s the inventor of the Steam Engine?
Joe Namath: No. Who’s the guy on first.
DI: Will you just telleth me thine nameth.
Joe Namath: My nameth is Namath.
DI: Yeah and my nameth is Queen Elizabeth
Joe Namath: Strange, you don’t look like royalty.
DI: Alright funny boy, to the stockade for you.