Posts Tagged ‘list’

1. The truth I can handle. Your breath is another story.
2. Houston, we have a polyp.
3. Now do you understand why there’s a Sawzall on my nightstand?
4. If they make Ferris Bueller’s Day Off 2 ” Life moves pretty fast. If you stop and do laundry once in a while, you could run out of pants.”
5. Doggone it! If you can’t lend me a hand, then how about a paw?
6. But I don’t need a third nostril.
7. If they make The Wizard of Oz in Alaska: “There’s no place like Nome. There’s no place like Nome.”
8. Now you’re telling me we’re out of toilet paper? It’s too late.
9. You’re an *sshole because every time we talk you manage to work in the word “rawdogging.”
10. Abner! Get away from that teat now. That milk is for baby ocelots, not for you.
11. You had me at, “I’m a millionaire.”

I just hit 18,000 followers. Amazing that Facebook would let me create 17,852 fake accounts.

 

Found out the hard way:
There is no “eye of the avalanche“

 

Years ago, erotic records were played on pornographs. They were groovy. They had to be in order to be played.

 

Let’s all say wunderkind together. Ready? 1, 2, 3…WUNDERKIND!

 

I lost my eye protection again. I guess I’ll have to do a Goggle search.

 

Frog on frog violence is sometimes the result of Toad Rage

 

For the last time, strawberry traffic jam is not a flavor

 

Is there a difference between milquetoast, and milk toast?

1. SMH – Shake My Head Industries. Helps people cope with all that’s happening around them.
2. STFU – Manufacturers of dog muzzles and gun silencers
3. LOL – A national bakery. They make clown pies that taste funny.
4. FAQ – How people in Boston say f*ck
5. YOLO – Publishes stories of Near Death Experiences. CEO says business is dead.
6. WTF – Makers of precision adult undergarments and medical supplies. Custom catheters, personalized pacemakers and digitized adult diapers.
7. ASAP – Makers of Speed Bumps and Stop Signs
8. FWIW – A Buffalo Springfield song
9. TBA – This company has big plans they hope to tell people about sometime in the future
10. DIY – An educational group for serial masturbaters
11. AKA – FYI, this company is known by many names
12. XOXO – Manufacturer of Huggies Diapers and Hershey’s Kisses

1. Remember, Jesus didn’t graduate high school either.
2. I had nothing to do with the Lindbergh baby kidnapping. Well, almost nothing.
3. I don’t like social media influencers. I’m more of an anti-social media influencer.
4. I’m at my best when I’m eating a grilled cheese sandwich.
5. I don’t care what the court order says, I wasn’t stalking Marlo Thomas, Marlo Thomas was stalking me.
6. I’m a little anal in the kitchen. I make Tidy Joe’s
7. Since it’ll come out anyway. Remember, the word “manslaughter” has many interpretations
8. Since it’ll come out anyway. I have to ask, “Does this job require more than 7 fingers.”
9. Since it’ll come out anyway. I’ve visited the grave of Regis Philbin 28 times, but (and I think this counts for a lot), I’ve only visited the grave of Charles Manson once.
10. I think Groundhog Day has become a shadow of its former self..
11. The eggs I’ve eaten are now just a shell of their former selves.
12. Crystal Meth is not all it’s cracked-up to be.
13. Since it’ll come out anyway. You should know upfront that, when I’m in one of my moods, I like to wear men’s underwear.
14. Since it’ll come out anyway. I hope my conjoined twin Henry (embedded deeply in my left clavicle) is neither distracting nor disqualifying. And don’t worry. I’ll pay him out of what you pay me. Being just an elfin head and one feeble hand, Henry pretty much goes along with everything I say. I mean what’s he gonna do, go on a hunger strike.
15. Since it’ll come out at some anyway I should just tell you upfront I like to watch women breast feed….and it’s not even a sexual thing. It’s more about nourishing and healing the planet. Yeah, that’s it. It’s about healing the planet.
16. Since it’ll come out anyway. I have pictures of every Cat Woman there’s ever been. I’ve even visited the grave of Julie Newmar….and she’s still alive. At least according to the drone I have circling her home. 
17. I don’t really possess tangible humor. I just have a sense of humor.
18. For both our sakes, I’ll ask you to please read this resumé carefully as some of my menu items have recently changed.
19.  Based on this resumé, and even though this is not a medical emergency, you should probably call 9-1-1 anyway

 

Bonus Thought:

If there were cell phones at the time of Christ, I believe the apostles would’ve done a lot less following, and a lot more face timing: “Check out this sermon Paul.”

“Yeah Luke, he’s like standing on a little rocky prominence saying some really cool sh*t. Anyway, we should play Words with Friends. There’s an app for it.”

“Oh Paul, you really put the app in apostle.”

 

 

1. When I give cashiers my credit card, stop saying, “Take it bitch”
2. Never make a poodle owner feel uncomfortable by saying, “What the hell is wrong with you? Do you not see all that disgusting red, crusty sludge dripping from your poodle’s eyes? Jesus, wipe it off lady.”
3. No more “free back rubs” to who’s ever sitting in front of me at church
4. It’s not a conversation starter to say, “Boy, my Aunt Clara…she can really go through a roll of toilet paper.”
5. Stop asking fat guys if they’re pregnant. And, unless you see a baby emerging from her body, never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant.

 

<Break> Hello friend, I’m glad you’ve taken the time to enjoy this list (now that’s polite – I’m learning)

 

6. I no longer go thru a Taco Bell drive-thru in reverse (but it was fun)
7. All roll-on deodorant must be applied with the roll-ees permission
8. When meeting someone for the first time, it’s not important to know whether they fold or bunch
9. All sniffing must be consensual – as in, “May I please sniff your ______ (body area you’re interested in sniffing)?” And wait for a response. Don’t just start sniffing.
10. No more asking Boy Scouts to “Pull my finger” (unless, of course they’re trying to earn a “Pull My Finger” merit badge)

 

Note: I still like to pick-up lunch at Burger King, and then go up to strangers and say, “Would you like to see my Whopper?”

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1. Merry Chlistmas everyone!
   I know. There’s Noel in Christmas

 

1. How Gullible are You?   IF YU Kan Reed THS, Y’ve alreddy wasted 5 sekonds of yur Lyfe. Zeriously

 

1. Ho Hum.
   Sitting around, doin’ nuthin’.
   I am now Bored Certified. And qualified to practice being bored at any NV hospital. Yes!

 

1. Best Labor Day Weekend Ever…even though it’s Memorial Day

 

1. What am I missing here:
   May the June 4th be with you?

 

1. “I have nothing to say right now. And it shows.”
   The above quip was written for David Hardiman by AI

 

1. I visited the Oreos website and a pop-up asked me if I’d accept their cookies.
   Of course. That’s why I’m there. For the cookies.

 

1. What if…Oh never mind. Then again, maybe. Right?
   Cuz, y’know, it could. In fact, it probably is.

 

1. This new Chinese restaurant is kinda glum. At the end of the meal, they give you an Unfortunate Cookie.    And, according to their website, you have to accept their cookies.

 

1. Q. What did John, Paul, George and Ringo drink at breakfast?
   A. Well, Beatle Juice of course.