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***Conversation Stoppers***

1. Karl: Call me sentimental, but I always carry some of my mother’s ashes with me.
    Hans: I thought you said your mother was still alive?
    Karl: Oh, she is.
2. Boy oh boy, my probation officer can really go through a roll of toilet paper.
3. Harold: Phil, what did you mean by I’d “look good in a halter top”?
     Phil: Let’s just forget I ever said that OK Harold?
4. George: Hey Calvin, I’m really sorry about your bathroom in the basement.
    Calvin: There is no bathroom in my basement.
5. It makes perfect sense that the Flemish are snotty. And if they can’t take a joke then phleg-m

Sponsored: Today I’m raisin awareness for National Dried Grape Day! Honor this day by purchasing some dried grapes or spending an hour in the bathtub.

This List Must Be Red or I’ll Be Blue

  1. I just Googled “goggles.” I Googled goggles and it responded with baby talk.
  2. Did you know that a small, attractive manicurist is called a “cuticle?”
  3. Least romantic words ever whispered into a lover’s ear: “Oh darling, God has a place for us in the shale of this planet.”
  4. Despite evidence to the contrary, this list is not a yawner.

    Is a person who repairs a fender bender a dent-ist?

  5. Is a trail marked by bones an osteopath?
  6. Are card-iologists skilled at hearts?
  7. Did you know Egyptian cancer doctors are known as ankh-ologists?
  8. Eco-podiatrists have small carbon footprints
  9. If your urologist is my urologist that makes him myologist. What a pisser.
  10. A doctor who puts your rectum to sleep is called an anusthesiologist. The pay is good, but the job stinks.
  11. Virgins celibate life every day.
  12. I’ve learned recently that Crayons are not edible. And thank God they’re non-toxic too.
  13. Dumb New Year’s Resolution #1. This year I will drink all my beverages by dipping-in my toothbrush and then sucking it out through the bristles.
  14. Palette Cleansing Statement of Certainty: The truth does not require your belief.
  15. Breaking: Baby doctor loses her license. But the real question is how did she get one in the first place. I mean she’s only 16 months old. That is one baby doctor.
  16. New Spice Girl works with dying patients. Her name: Ho Spice.
  17. Botanists who love flowers are petalphiles.
  18. Pediatricians who like to cycle are pedalphiles
  19. Secretaries who like to file are filephiles
  20. Manicurists who like to shape nails are also filephiles
  21. People who adore manicurists who like to shape nails are filephilephiles.
  22. Stories about foul air and stale odors are must-y reads
  23. You can change your name. You can change your lion’s name. But you can’t change your lion’s mane.
  24. Breaking: Felt finds new uses in women’s apparel. Women say they never felt this way before. The dark side is that many dresses are felt during fittings. #Handsoff
  25. At the Garment Worker’s Bakery these items loom large: Silk Pie, Red Velvet Cake and Lemon Chiffon Pie.
  26. Studies reveal that Evil people are unable to stomach Angel Food Cake.
  27. You can eat ramen. You can eat your friend’s ramen. But you shouldn’t eat your friend’s crayons – even if they are non-toxic.
  28. We screwed up. We thought we were brainstorming. But we were actually barnstorming.
  29. In a related story, the National Weather Service has issued a tornado advisory for the Kansas Farm Belt. “Strong cyclonic winds may cause large farm structures to be ripped from their foundations. This may lead to widespread Barnstorming. Judy Garland should take note.”
  30. He’s exceptional. You can give him a date and he can tell you how many business days it is till that date.
  31. He’s exceptional. You can give him a date and he can tell you which tree it came from.
  32. He’s exceptional. You can give him a date and by the end of the night they’re deeply in love.
  33. He’s a visionary. You can give him a blind date and by the end of the night she’s seeing again.
  34. Parallel Duo-verses? Why do we run counterclockwise on an outdoor track when everything else we do is clockwise? However let us remember, it’s not counterclockwise when you’re looking at it from Hell. In that case you’re running absolutely clockwise. Same thing with pineapple upside-down cakes…or any upside-down cake for that matter (pineapple being the foremost of the upside-down cakes). When you look at these belly-up cakes from Hell, they’re actually right side up. In this rare double-negative case, 2 wrongs do make a right…side up.
  35. In Victoria Secret’s book A Brief History of Briefs, chafing becomes an issue for Lady Chatterly’s ombudsman. Eventually an ointment soothes her irritated skin, in a chapter entitled Balm is the Bomb.
  36. I’m a firm believer in the 2-party system: one in the morning and one in the evening
  37. Sponsored: The culture in Dannon Yogurt fortifies both society and the intestines. However the culture in Greek Yogurt, for no apparent reason, causes one to throw dishes.    

 

Unnecessary Observations of the Hyper-Aware

  1. Whenever I listen to Stairway to Heaven it makes me wonder. It really makes me wonder.
  1. If I knew I was unconscious, would I still be unconscious?
  1. Whenever I see a tumbleweed skittering across the highway, it looks like Aunt Bee tumbling by and crying out, “Oh Andy! Andy! Do something!”
  1. What if the alphabet contained only the letters h, k, m, n, s, u and t? Mks u thnk
  1. Is it me or have we all passed through a membrane or something?
  1. The Ayes have it.

    Am I the only one who freaks out because a halibut has both eyes on the same side of its face – kinda like Marty Feldman did? This should not go unexamined. I’m not saying it should be the first thing out of your mouth when you meet someone, but maybe the third thing. You could just kind of ease into it like this: “Nice to meet you too Frank. You’re right, it is kinda warm today. And are you as concerned as I am about halibuts’ eyes being on one side of their face? I mean if it can happen to them, it can happen to us. Right? All it takes is for good men to do nothing and the next thing you know our eyes are stacked one beneath the other. And why? – Just for the halibut.”

  1. I must admit…there’s a feeling I get. When I look to the West. Anyway, it really makes me wonder
  1. My friend Josiah is an old soul and I think his past lives get in the way? He still refers to the Hawaiian Islands as the Sandwich Islands. He calls Istanbul, Constantinople. He calls fish, trilobites and refers to women as chattel – ouch. Sometimes he even says “non-coalesced interstellar stuff” when he’s talking about earth. Josiah is one old soul. Maybe that’s why he lives in a sod house dugout. Oddly enough, he’s never cut the cord; but only because he never had cable in the first place. That said, I do appreciate the convenient touches in his house – spittoons, boot scrapers and handy chamber pots everywhere. He even has a delivery room for expectant mothers. Well, actually it’s a manger, but these mangers have a history of birthing some very enlightened babies.
  1. I once heard a nerd order at a lunch counter the following: “I’d like a hamburger sandwich please. And some potatoes cooked in the French style. And may I request 2 packets of Fancy Catsup for use as a dipping sauce. Additionally, my fountain drink of choice is a sparkling Coca-Cola phosphate. Now for dessert, please provide me 2 Oreo Crème Sandwich cookies.” To which the waitress replies, “OK. Burger, fries, cookie and a Coke. That’ll be $7.50. And no, we don’t accept Bitcoin?”
  1. Am I the only one who notices that in certain Seinfeld reruns, sometimes the characters do completely different things than they did in the original show? Like the show where everyone marvels at what an excellent dancer Elaine is or the where all 4 remain the masters of their domains. Maybe I’m living in some kind of alternative universe? But alternative to what? Kinda mks u thnk
  1. Why is a washing machine that cleans clothes called a “washer” but a washing machine that cleans dishes is called a “dishwasher?” Dryer vs. hair dryer – same thing. Wasn’t this observation in a Seinfeld episode? It really makes me wonder.
  1. I believe that every time you accidentally hit the print screen key, an angel gets its wings (providing they’d just ordered some from Applebee’s). However, if you accidentally hit the F8 key, well that’s just Fate (F8).
  1. I wonder if Leonardo DaVinci felt any irony when he ate his last supper. Then again he’d only realize it was his last supper after the fact – and then his last supper would probably be more surprising than it was ironic. And no one even talks about his mother Mona DaVinci and his mistress Lisa Cacciatore whom he mashed-up in his famous painting the Mona Lisa. Their eyes were perfectly situated on either side of their noses, but that wry smile – that’s Lenny laughing at us. And I’ve heard tale that when the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel was painted DaVinci was naked the entire time. And what makes this even stranger is that Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel. It’s just that reports indicate that while Michelangelo was painting it in Rome, DaVinci was butt naked in Florence. Mks u thnk. And maybe…makes you wonder.
  1. I wonder if Leonardo DiCaprio feels any sense of foreboding when he’s eating supper…“Could this be Leonardo’s last supper?”
  1. I wonder if dogs know how much we appreciate the unconditional love they give.
  1. One time a plastic grocery bag tumbled by me and I swore I could hear it cry, “Andy! Do something.”
  1. I wonder if I’ve ever inhaled an oxygen atom once breathed by Jesus Christ…or even his brother, Angus H Christ. I mean as if Jesus’s blood and body aren’t enough, now we have to have his breath too? This is really going to complicate communion. Anyway I’m sure I’ve inhaled some atoms from King Louis the 16th because I’m always losing my head.
  1. I wonder if Muhammad Ali will be remastered and reissued in a boxed set?
  1. I don’t think I could ever eat at a restaurant called “The Honey Bucket.” In their ads, they claimed that every time you eat at a Honey Bucket, a janitor gets its mop.
  1. Some of my favorite gaze: 1. Looking to the West 2. Staring at a candle while in deep meditation and 3. Leonardo DaVinci. It’s true.

 

  1. The truth is true no matter what we believe. But still…it really makes me wonder.

Home Improvement Ideas for 2021

  1. Mirror That Makes You Look 10 Years Younger – Not recommended for children under 10 who become frightened when they look into their past life.
  2. Riding Vacuum from John Deere – Don’t let those 8000 sq. feet of carpeting in your mansion gather dust. Keep them spotlessly clean with a Riding Vacuum from John Deere. Why not get one for each floor. You’ll find that Riding Vacuums suck a lot more than you think. And they practically disappear into the interior design when covered with their included Riding Vacuum Cozy.
  3. Peeing Sink – Once you try this new streaming device you’ll never go back to aiming
  4. This is your brain on cauliflower.

    Refrigerator that dispenses crushed ice, cubed steak and chipped beef

  5. Techno Doggy Door – A microchip-activated pet door that allows your chipped pet indoor/outdoor privileges. Works with husbands too, providing they’re also chipped. Even works with beef, as long as it’s chipped beef.
  6. Programmable Paint from Microsoft – Paint your room one time, then set it and forget it. Alter the color as you see fit, when you see fit. Note: Paint must be chipped, even though most people don’t like chipped paint.
  7. Detached Manger – No room in the house for the new baby? Not a problem with this biblically themed nursery. Raise your child like he’s the Second Coming or at least like the angel he is. Insulated manger comes with frankincense, myrrh and a straw floor. Great for out-of-town visitors come to pay their respects. One look at its simple straw-themed design and you’ll say, “Hay!”
  8. A 2nd Floor Above-Ground Swimming Pool – Classy and white trashy. Guaranteed not to collapse…unless it does. Then enjoy your new Staircase Waterfall at no extra cost. Comes with ethically-sourced, gluten-free water noodles.
  9. Aah-oo-Gah Doorbell Chime – This supersonic doorbell breaks the sound barrier and guarantees you get to your Amazon package at the door before a robber scoops it up. It’s sonic boom is said to cure people suffering from Shy Bladder.
  10. Crawlspace Catacombs – This one might be illegal. We’ll discuss it in person.
  11. Mirrored Toilet Seat – Popular in England where they tend to be a little cheekier. Some find its reflection confusing because they don’t know whether they’re coming or going.
  12. Random Desperate Bird Fluttering Inside the House, Way Up in the Vaulted Ceiling – Guaranteed to make you feel like you’re living in a Home Depot or an Airline Terminal. If the bird escapes, all guarantees are out the window.
  13. Walk-in Closet with 30 Foot Drop into a Foam Pit – Located in the guest room, this adrenalizing freefall gives the in-laws a gentle pause for thought about ever visiting you again.
  14. 48-Car Underground Garage – Or, for the more frugal, a 36-car above ground parking structure. Underground garage incompatible with the Crawlspace Catacomb.
  15. Nuclear Powered Doorbell Light – The last doorbell light you’ll ever buy. And probably the only one too. Always leaves a light burning in the doorbell – at 950° inside a transparent titanium containment vessel. Take great comfort in the manufacturer’s guarantee that it will stay illuminated eons after the sun explodes and vaporizes Solar System. Pairs well with Aah-oo-Gah horn option.
  16. Bidet/Hydration Station Bubbler – Proves that you can drink where you clean.
  17. Husband-proof Appliances – Designed especially for husband-proofing the house by ensuring that:
    1. The dirty clothes are not put in the dryer before they’re washed
    2. Laundry does not come out of the wash all one color
    3. Soap is put in the dishwasher before it’s turned on
    4. Dishes are put in the dishwasher before it’s turned on
    5. Food is put in the microwave before it’s turned on
    6. The electric toothbrush doesn’t shock you back to 2nd grade
    7. The remote is never lost because it’s attached to a can’t-be-misplaced kayak
    8. The freezer and the refrigerator are not both set to the same temperature
  18. Every Door in the House Operates Like a Garage Door – Make entering any room an event with this brawny option. Comes with a universal remote. Pet-safe…if their chipped.
  19. Hilarious Woman’s Shoe  Closet with Room for Only 4 Pair of Shoes– Prove that you have an unbounded sense of humor by showing visitors this ridiculously undersized storage closet specially built for your wife’s 4 pairs of shoes.
  20. Drone Ceiling Fan – Fly it to the room where it’s most needed
  21. Reverse Microwave that Makes Things Cooler – It’s finally here. By overcoming the primordial forces of nature the Reverse Microwave draws about 450 gigawatts of electricity per use. Therefore your Electrical Panel must be hooked-up directly to the Hoover Dam. A better option may be to just put whatever it is you want cooled in the refrigerator for 15 minutes.
  22. Thinly Sliced Deep-Fried Potatoes – Note: In order to do this correctly, potatoes must be chipped.
  23. Chocolate Cookie and Card Playing Gaming Table – Note: The cookies and the table must both be chipped
  24. Favorite Son on the TV show My Three Sons – Gotta be Chip.
  25. Favorite 70’s TV Show – You guessed it: ChiPs

David?

Yes.

What do these last few entries about chips have to do with home improvement ideas?

Well, let’s face it folks. I’m off the rails here and I’m loving it. It’s fun to go nuts when you’re not driving a car, performing surgery or sitting in a church pew. I encourage y’all to do the same once in a while. In that way you’d be a chip off the old block.  

One of These is True

  1. Aging porn stars starting to show cracks. Starting? What else is new?
  2. What happens if President Trump is unable to govern? A. How will we know the difference.
  3. In my drawers there’s a shorts story entitled: A Brief History of Briefs
  4. I’m a great believer in the 2-party system: one in the morning and one in the evening.
  5. Deathbed Encouragement I: Jesse Jackson to Bob Hope: “Keep hope alive. We must keep hope alive.
  6. Deathbed Encouragement II: Steven Tyler to his daughter Liv Tyler. “Live, Liv. Live.”
  7. Deathbed Encouragement III: Matthew McConaughey comforting a hospice patient, “Well alright, alright, alright.”
  8. Amazon Savant: You can give him any date and he can tell you how many business days it is from today.
  9. What’s the difference between brainstorming and barnstorming? There’s no “I” in barnstorming. Incidentally, there is no eye in blind either.
  10. Jesus’ Brother Reexamined

         Cheesus Christ – The true dairy Savior and the Patron Saint of lost cheese

  1. I divide the world in to 2 groups. The blindly ignorant who unshakably believe what they know. And the regular ignorant, who are just trying truths on for size and cling to nothing. For example, my articles of faith have been through several reprints.
  2. Lioness’s lonely niece links loneliness to lessons learned.
  3. Lament of the Ignorant: Nothing is as fun as I used to think it was
  4. I’m going off the reservation now and decamping to virtual reality. I think this whole list is starting to show cracks. Butt what of it?

 

Bucket List…in Reverse: Things I NEVER Hope to Do Before I Die

My cup may runneth over, but my bucket is empty.

The phrase “I Hope Never To” should be repeated before each entry

  1. Hear my doctor say “Don’t worry. It’s the good kind of” anything
  2. Get confused when baking a flourless cake in the shape of a flower
  3. Hear the captain say, “We’ve all made our peace with the Almighty up here on the flight deck. Probably a good idea if y’all did the same back in the cabin.”
  4. Sleep in a barn and wake up a little hoarse
  5. Sleep in my bed and wake up next to a horse’s head. (Godfather reference: If you give Johnny Fontaine that part, you’ll never have to worry about this.)
  6. See my shadow move differently than I’m moving
  7. Leave #7 blank…Damn it! Epic fail. And I was so close. #7 is un-intentionally blank.
  8. Ride through the desert on a horse with no name. Or even ride through the desert on a horse whose name I knew, but subsequently forgot. And lastly, to ride through a car wash on a horse whose name I never asked and was never told.
  9. Spend time at a petting zoo. Especially as an exhibit.
  10. Be so retired that we start going out, not only to Early Bird dinners, but to Early Bird breakfasts – where of course we get the worms
  11. Free climb El Capitan – No one has to climb it. And just because it’s “there” isn’t enough of reason. I implore you all to take El Capitan for granite – hard, unforgiving granite.
  12. Walk on Hot Coals
  13. Walk on Warm Coals
  14. Walk into Kohl’s. Why should I? It’s all online.
  15. Pick-up roadside trash on weekends in order to satisfy some Community Service obligations I didn’t deserve. Next time I guess I’ll ask permission before I try to free climb Kirstie Alley.
  16. Have an air bag go off in a car I’m in (unless, of course, it needs to)
  17. Accidentally get a glimpse of the godless lumpy landscape, floating in a sea of bluish hell in a Port-a-Potty waste tank. One errant glance and you’re changed forever. Too many among us suffer silently from PPSD: Post Port-a-Potty Stress Disorder.
  18. Write a doctoral thesis contrasting Hunt’s Manwich Sandwich with Sloppy Joe’s. It’s a fool’s errand, like contrasting Mary-Kate from Ashley.
  19. See any of my internal organs
  20. Visit the warehouses where all the removed Confederate statues are stored
  21. Touch the tips of both pinkies while each is in a separate nostril
  22. Be assigned a probation officer
  23. See Donald Trump naked
  24. See Kate Upton clothed
  25. Use “winter” or “summer” as a verb (As in: Oh, we winter in Cozumel and summer in Martha’s Vineyard.)
  26. Get a call from my probation officer telling me: “My lawn gets mowed once a week and the trash goes out on Tuesday. We can talk about massage latter. Now get crackin’ Hardiman.” And before hanging up he sings: “For he’s a jolly good felon. For he’s a jolly good felon. For he’s a jolly good felonnnnnnn. That nobody can deny.”
  27. Move so slowly that I get run over by one of those 6-million lb NASA mega-transports while its rolling a rocket out to the launching pad
  28. Help my Uncle Jack off a horse
  29. Help my Uncle Jack off anything for that matter
  30. Use the past as an excuse for current choices
  31. Spend less than 10 minutes a day meditating (not thinking or cogitating)
  32. Well, you made it this far. Congratulations. Now, post this list on your wall and fill in the blank #7 using the phrase “The Big Secret is there’s no secret.”

Failed Candy Bars

  1. York Peppermint Waldo – Really good candy…if you can find it
  2. Almond Mellows – Available at marijuana dispensaries. Simultaneously causes and satisfies the Munchies
  3. Reese’s Feces – Ummm, maybe it’s filled with peanut butter, and maybe it’s not
  4. Really, Really Hilarious Ranchers – Regular Jolly Ranchers infused with THC
  5. Good-n-Linty – Sometimes candy is where you find it
  6. Arm Candy – Initially very popular with men, but they soon discovered they just couldn’t afford it

    So many cavities. So little time.

  7. 2 Musketeers Bar – A low budget 3 Musketeers. No chocolate. Just solid nougat. Sold at the Dollar Store.
  8. Almond Sad – Actually an Almond Joy for the clinically depressed
  9. Toddler Ruth’s – Baby Ruth bars that we’re left out too long
  10. Juvenile Ruth’s – Baby Ruth bars that we’re left out way too long
  11. Floater Ruth’s – Great for emptying pools
  12. Twits – Twix for stupid people
  13. DITS – Telegraphic sister candy to DOTS. People found the whole Dit-Dot thing too old-fashioned.
  14. Sweet Farts – In test markets all agreed: They absolutely stunk.
  15. Herschel’s Chocolate – Not from Hershey, but from nearby Bethlehem, PA most found this Semitic chocolate “too Jewish”
  16. Bit Bats – A knock-off version of Kit Kats. It’s the first candy bar that bites you.
  17. Claire Danes – Maybe a candy, maybe an actress. Bite it and find out.
  18. Charleston pre-Chewed – Popular candy in nursing homes where fatigued senior jaws can use a little help
  19. $28,000 Bar – A deep discount $100,000 Bar. 72% smaller than the original. Popular with dieters.
  20. Clusterf*cks – Too many snafus relegated this problematic candy to the dustbin of history
  21. M’s – Rejected M&Ms from the Mars candy factory. Available in Plain and Stupid.
  22. Shittles – A don’t ask, don’t tell version of Skittles
  23. Goodbar – A stay at home candy that never really caught on
  24. Goodbar – This candy bar was very popular early on, but eventually became Mrs. Goodbar and candy eaters began to lose interest,
  25. Payday Bar – Discontinued as Paydays kept getting smaller and smaller every year.
  26. Bit of Honey – A grammatically corrected version of Bit-O-Honey. Popular at book fairs.
  27. Lot-O-Honey – What happens when you remember her birthday. (yeah I know – It’s not a candy bar. It’s called being an artist!)
  28. Bitter Honey – What happens when there’s nothing under the tree for wifey. (yeah I know – It’s not a candy bar. It’s still called being an artist!)
  29. Honey, Honey – An Early ABBA hit (Still taking artistic license here. OK. Now back to the candy bars)
  30. Cracker Jills – A female version of Cracker Jack. Discontinued after a recurrent psychological manufacturing flaw, where they could never get the peanuts to come out of their shells
  31. Gummi Dares – Made from bear secretions. I dare you to eat one.
  32. Coconut Coated Tootsie Rolls – A Halloween favorite. Especially when you substitute clumped cat litter.
  33. Chortles – If you like to Snicker, you’ll love to Chortle. “Chortles really satisfies,” he guffawed.
  34. Gecko Wafers – It’s how Necco Wafers are sold in Hawaii. If you leave them out they migrate to the ceiling.
  35. Milky Whey – “Not enough curds doomed this well-intentioned candy,” he snickered
  36. Butterfinger – Sales really picked up after they finally put the letters “er’ between the “t” and “f”.
  37. Duds – Milk Duds that bombed
  38. Mentals – Strange substance. If you place a Mental in a Coke bottle, you foam at the ears.
  39. 2M – Mathematicians version of M&Ms. Strangely enough 2Ms are made by 3M.
  40. Candy Corn – A lot like Fruitcake. People own it. Give it as gifts, but never actually sit down and eat it.
  41. Senior Mints – A more mature version of Junior Mints. These geriatric mints enter your mouth and then forget why they went in there in the first place

 

Newly Discovered Elements Enter the Periodic Table

A table with no legs!
How does it stand?
It stands periodically.

As a college student I worked at a snooty little bistro called The Periodic Table – a restaurant renowned for its primordial soup and Big Bang Burgers. To say The Periodic Table caters to academia would be…ummm, the second sentence in this paragraph (sometimes I just don’t know how to finish a thought). But not only does The Periodic Table cater to academia, they also cater to people who…ummm want food supplied to an event they’re having. Again, sometimes I just don’t know how to finish a thought.

 

The Periodic Table has a superlative staff. Pastry chef Madame Kurie won a MacArthur Genius Award for twice baking half-baked ideas so they’d emerge from the oven as one fully formed idea. I probably could’ve used her help in the first paragraph. After all, she’s a stable genius. I’m just happy to be a wobbly virtuoso.  

 

Susan Williams, the sous chef, can be very argumentative. She often exclaims, “You don’t like my bouillabaisse? Sue me.” She’s shrewd. She knows no one will sue a sous chef named Sue?

 

With Covid-19 protocols in effect the social distancing between elements is a minimum of 6 atoms. It’s strictly enforced by nuclear bouncers carrying electron microscopes. The Periodic Table spun-off a restaurant called the Isotope. Managers mathematically determined the Isotope would last for 20 years, but signed a 10-year lease because they were smart enough to realize the unstable Isotope would have a half-life of 10 years.

 

The Periodic Table is a popular love nest for couples who are carbon dating. Chemistry majors love this semantic den of clever linguistics. For example, chem students can order their milk shakes in three states: solid, liquid or Massachusetts.

 

Most of the tips I received were of the “Hey, don’t do anything Einstein wouldn’t do,” variety. The fallout from working at the Periodic Table added gritty luster to my otherwise geek-dominated résumé (1st chair high school triangle, Chess Club equipment manager, foster home for orphaned light sabers). Unfortunately the money I earned had a half-life faster than radium and I spent money like an “unstable Cesium-137 atom decaying in a nuclear chain reaction” (I never get tired of that old expression). And even though I spent most of the money on ginkgo biloba, I could never quite remember where it all went.

 

I hope you enjoyed this overture to my list of newly discovered elements. Elements that all have one thing in common. They radiate humor:

  1. Shelium – Newly discovered sister element to Helium. Oddly enough when you inhale it, it makes your voice deeper. And even though Shelium is lighter than air, it always thinks it’s fat.
  2. Fartium – At first it was thought to be a Noble Gas. But after just one whiff you knew…it ain’t so noble.
  3. Cranium – This element is a head case
  4. Copper – Not that kind of copper. In fact, not really an element at all. It’s what gangsters called a policeman in the 1930s.
  5. Miseryium – Not much is known about this dark matter other than Miseryium loves company
  6. Moronium – An element that only seems to affect other people’s intelligence
  7. Acronymium – BTW, Scientists believe Acronymium stands for something, but FYI, they don’t know what…LOL
  8. Belgium – Not an element. Just a shout out to the country of Belgium.
  9. Tamponium – Tamponium will always have a seat at any Periodic Table – usually once a month.
  10. Yumyumium – What Chinese restaurants sprinkle on food to make it taste better
  11. Conundrum – Scientists are still trying to figure out just where this perplexing element fits in
  12. Viagrium – A lot like zirconium in that it’s not an authentic rock-hard diamond, but no one seems to mind and actually appreciate it nonetheless. Warning: If its half-life last longer than 8 hours – see a mechanic – a quantum mechanic.
  13. Blamium – It’s always somebody else’s element. Eventually decays into an Inferiority Complex.
  14. Blamium-238 – A rare isotope causes complainers to reassess their lives and admit “mea culpa
  15. Sherlockium – Elementary, my dear reader. Also available in the sarcastic isotope, No Sh*t Sherlockium
  16. Steakumms – Found in your refrigerator. At least that’s where I thaw it.
  17. Mormonium – The only element that thinks it’s acceptable to marry with the electrons of more than one atom
  18. Cofault – When cobalt decays and makes a mistake it becomes Cofault
  19. Cobalt – makes you feel blue
  20. Codependentbaltenables cobalt to make you feel blue
  21. Meme-ium – That thing where “We haz no cheezburgers”
  22. Virginium – An element of unblemished purity. High concentrations found in Ivory Soap and Promise Rings
  23. Tounguestun – When a taser accidentally hits your tongue
  24. Palladium – Amphitheater shaped element. The Beatles played there in 1964
  25. Homonymium – Sounds just like an element, but it isn’t. Prefers the orbits of its own kind, as opposed to Heteronymium.
  26. Synonymian – An element that can be substituted for any other element
  27. Cinemanium – What a drunk scientist calls a movie theater
  28. Sinamonium – Too much of this element and you won’t get into Heavenium
  29. Cinnamonium – Above a certain threshold and you develop and overwhelming desire to move to Cincinnati. Also tasty sprinkled on toast.
  30. The most important relationship you’ll ever have is your relationship with yourself. Not an element. Just wanted to send you a little preachy reminder in an Oprah kind of way. I zinc it’s important to remember this.

Well These Won’t Be Easy on the Brain

  1. My new book “Ventriloquism for Dummies” just arrived. For some reason I can’t read it without moving my lips.
  2. God’s majesty is ineffable…so are women wearing chastity belts.
  3. It was just a prank when Debra Messing said her mother, Mrs. Messing went missing. Messing was just messing with us.
  4. He exercised his Free Will. He had no choice.
  5. He drank the prune juice with “aplomb.” He had no choice.
  6. He was allowed only to pick between Prime Beef or Select Beef. They had no Choice.
  7. There is no #7. I had no choice.
  8. Try not to get into acute depression, because there’s nothing cute about depression.
  9. A prisoner on Death Row had the foresight to order a 112 ft. long submarine sandwich for his last meal. The warden complied. The inmate lived for another 14 days while slowly eating the lengthy sandwich, but died of food poisoning on the 15th day.  

    Submarine Sandwich Forever 

 

Top 10 Top 10 Lists

Top 10 Ways the World Would Be Different if Jesus was 3’6” tall

  1. Jesus’ famous Sermon on the Mount would’ve been called The Sermon on the Mount in Elevator Sandals
  2. At only 3½ feet tall, rising from the dead wouldn’t be such a big deal. Especially when compared to the aerodynamic forces at play in rising a full-grown Messiah.
  3. {Esoteric Reference Alert, Dana} Chinese Christians would probably bind their children’s pituitary glands to reduce their HGH (human growth hormone) in hopes of keeping them small and delicate and therefore more spiritually desirable.
  4. (#4 is not part of the list, just a cautionary note to self) I really shouldn’t mess with Jesus. He’s one of the few good guys whether in Regular or Mini-me size.
  5. At the Last Supper, Jesus would’ve been sitting in a booster seat. Very bad optics on that one.
  6. Astronomers would have to change the term “White Dwarf Star” to “Vertically Challenged Caucasian Star.”
  7. So called “Body of Christ” wafers would be 1/3 smaller and contain fewer calories. Over the span of 2000 years, it is estimated the Catholic Church would’ve saved almost $200 in sacramental expenses.

 

Top 10 People with No Regrets

  1. There are no people without regrets. Those who claim to be are liars.
  2. Liars

 

Top 10 Celebrities Who Wish They Were Younger

  1. All of them

 

Top 10 People Named Frank Briscoe

  1. Frank Briscoe
  2. Franklin “Frank” Briscoe
  3. Artemis “Frank” Briscoe
  4. Frank Briscoe-Mellencamp

 

Top 10 Least Popular Men’s Adult Entertainment Magazines

  1. #MeToo
  2. The Women of Bulgaria’s Prisons…and the Guards Who Love Them
  3. Early Onset Cellulose
  4. Cuticle Cuties of Calcutta (For the Fingertip Fetishist)
  5. Harvard Law Review

 

Top 10 People Almost Named “Kayla Williams”

  1. Kelly Williams
  2. Caitlyn Wilmore
  3. Regina Hampton-Snodgrass

 

Top 10 People Who Should Use Fanny Spackle to Fill the Top of Their Butt Crack When they Bend Over

  1. No one wants to see that.
  2. Carpet Layers
  3. People Who Lay Anything

 

Top Ten Things Souls Say to God After He tells Them They’re Going to Be Reincarnated As a Black Man in Alabama

  1. Really?
  2. No c’mon man, really?
  3. Whatever they’re paying you I’ll double it.
  4. Well yeah, the idea of toleration is great as long as you’re not the thing that’s being tolerated.
  5. How about Detroit, or at least California?

 

Top 10 People Who Have an Inflated View of Themselves

  1. Snoopy… in a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
  2. Good Year blimp
  3. Regina Hampton-Snodgrass
  4. I know. The first 2 aren’t people and the third one may or may not be a person, but I’m running out of ideas and this seemed like a good premise.
  5. Napoleon Blownapart

 

Top 10 Something or Others

  1. Something
  2. Others

Sayonara Baby! (I’m in Japan now. Tokyo Prefecture. Chiyoda-Ku Ward)