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Worthwhile List of Funny Things I’m too Lazy to Organize

  1. A triumvirate of university zoologists claim to have discovered a 3-humped camel. The discovery, of course, happened on a Wednesday. How they knew the camel had been humped 3 times is currently under police investigation.
  2. Meanwhile Egyptologists are a little suspicious of Pharaoh Ramses II’s exhibit on tour in North America. They’ve discovered a hieroglyph that clearly translates as “Sorry, I left the Clamato Juice in the Oldsmobile.”
  3. Love the Undo button in Microsoft Word. Now if only there was one for real life.
  4. Actually I’m not “too lazy to organize this list.” I’m just honoring my incarnation. Yeah that’s it. Honoring my incarnation. I do that a lot lately. Especially as an excuse to stuff leftover bits into an eclectic assortment of ideas.
  5. Man claims to have never once picked his nose. “It’s true” he said. “Not once. Maybe 1000 times but certainly not once.”
  6. The trend of specialty retailing has become ubiquitous (thank you very much Synonym.com). For example Popeye’s is test marketing a new restaurant called Chicken for White People. It features half the spices and none of the fun.
  7. In the San Francisco area, Burger King is micro-marketing Burger Queen’s. This extravagantly decorated restaurant sports…oh, never mind what it sports. The point is, the buns are more shapely than ever. And you can get a Whopper with 2 Patties: Patty Longo and Patty Sherman.
  8. In the Bay Area, Karl Mender’s Collision Centers are offering 20% off on car repairs to anyone transitioning from one sex to another – it’s called Mender’s Gender Fender Bender discount.
  9. The E-I-E-I-O corporation has purchased old restaurants from MacDonald’s and has retro-decorated them into Old MacDonald’s restaurants, for seniors who had a farm. They say it’s a can’t miss farm to table concept. With a couscous here and a couscous there. Here a cous. There a cous. Everywhere a couscous
  10. Vascular Profiling? Studies show that minorities are subject to more Cardiac Arrests than whites. Clearly the Stop and Defibrillate policy saves lives, but is it trampling the rights of minority heart attack victims?
  11. New Olympic Demonstration Sports
    1. Competitive Eating (followed by)
    2. Competitive Projectile Vomiting
  12. Greeks I have known: Diabetes, Erroneous Views, PlayDoh, Soccer Tees, A Wrist Tottle and, of course, Osgood Drury
  13. It’s less difficult to graduate from most colleges, than it is to find a parking spot near class
  14. PU (Pace University) is on financial life support. A Pacemaker was installed and Pace has been told to make peace with its donors. William Makepeace Thackery is helping with hospice.
  15. I sometimes read books cover to cover, and nothing in between. How else am I going to judge it?
  16. I’ve wondered where my iPhone was…while it’s been in my hand and I was using it.
  17. This Day on Earth: Today approx. 150,000 people will die. Approx. 50,000 people will experience their first orgasm. 99% of them will be men. Men are pigs.

Offered with the Utmost Levity and the Least Most Gravity

  1. What is Micronesia? Is that when you forget only a little bit. I can’t remember. It’s not the full-size “nesia”, it’s just a Micro-nesia.
  2. Sequel to The Day the Earth Stood Still. The even more miraculous The Day My 2-year-old Stood Still.
  3. “I like to order my fish with the head on so I know exactly what I’m getting.” “Yeah I do that too, but with veal.”
  4. Male realtors admit; there looking for a turnkey girlfriend who’s move-in ready. A real head turner, and maybe a key turner too.
  5. If a turkey is all ready to eat, does that make it a turnkey turkey?
  6. Aren’t we all just end users?
  7. I’m not growing old, I’m shrinking old
  8. A crime most foul (see how I didn’t say “fowl”). Killing 3 birds with one holiday.

    We love TurDucken (a chicken, stuffed into a duck inside a turkey), but we also want other types of 3-layered stuffed things:

    1. GiCamPo – That’s a polar bear stuffed into a camel inside a giraffe. Especially good for patients, who on the advice of their doctor, are on an all giraffe, camel and polar bear diet.
    2. A Black and White ZePandUnk – That’s a skunk stuffed into a panda inside a zebra. Comes in B&W.
    3. GriffBeaFife – That’s a Barney Fife stuffed into an Aunt Bea inside an Andy Griffith. “Mmmm Good Cracker.”
    4. PumpCoNimitz – That’s an aircraft carrier, stuffed into a coconut inside a pumpkin. They ate these on Gilligan’s Island. I think that’s how they survived in Micronesia, but I can’t quite remember.
  9. If stuffing a turkey with idiots is outlawed, only outlaw idiots will be stuffed into turkeys. Think about that before you gobble.
  10. I know.  I’m a little worried about all the turkey references too. I mean c’mon man, let it go.
  11. I don’t know about the new guy. I’ve had 3 conversations with him and in each one he’s managed to work in the word “colo-rectal” several times.
  12. Snap, Crackle and Pop get in over their heads down at the milk pond. It almost leads to the drowning of a very soggy Crackle.
  13. A coolly disarming thing to say to a room full of high-powered strangers, “I just came in to see how big everybody’s egos were, and to create some standing for myself. Mission accomplished? I thought so.”
  14. Aren’t we all just visitors?
  15. If you want to avoid food poisoning, only eat oysters in months that have x’s in them
  16. Most men are rescue boyfriends in need of a certified service girlfriend (warning: don’t pet them unless you get permission).
  17. In Ireland large Leprechauns are discriminated against. Instead of a pot of gold they get a pot of coal.
  18. He makes me nervous. Whenever we have a conversation he always refers to my “sit bones.”
  19. Metamorphic rock is a metaphor for four formations formerly forgotten. I know, forced it. Forgive me.

 

Did You Know?

  1. Remember when they were the supposed enemy?

    Communists suffer from Hammer & Sickle Cell Anemia

  2. Children are sick of Arm & Hammer Baking Soda
  3. All lobsters are shellfish. When was the last time one lent you a helping claw?
  4. Empowered crabs say, “The world is our oyster.”
  5. Steroidal mussels suffer from ‘roid rage
  6. Stool pigeons told to clam up
  7. Dog traces picture of cat after watching alpha dog do the same. The pack is calling it a copycat mime
  8. The band “10 Years After” is getting back together and touring under the new name “50 Years Before”
  9. Beethoven had a Bee in his thoven.
  10. Midwives who live in halfway houses rarely go all the way

***Conversation Stoppers***

1. Karl: Call me sentimental, but I always carry some of my mother’s ashes with me.
    Hans: I thought you said your mother was still alive?
    Karl: Oh, she is.
2. Boy oh boy, my probation officer can really go through a roll of toilet paper.
3. Harold: Phil, what did you mean by I’d “look good in a halter top”?
     Phil: Let’s just forget I ever said that OK Harold?
4. George: Hey Calvin, I’m really sorry about your bathroom in the basement.
    Calvin: There is no bathroom in my basement.
5. It makes perfect sense that the Flemish are snotty. And if they can’t take a joke then phleg-m

Sponsored: Today I’m raisin awareness for National Dried Grape Day! Honor this day by purchasing some dried grapes or spending an hour in the bathtub.

This List Must Be Red or I’ll Be Blue

  1. I just Googled “goggles.” I Googled goggles and it responded with baby talk.
  2. Did you know that a small, attractive manicurist is called a “cuticle?”
  3. Least romantic words ever whispered into a lover’s ear: “Oh darling, God has a place for us in the shale of this planet.”
  4. Despite evidence to the contrary, this list is not a yawner.

    Is a person who repairs a fender bender a dent-ist?

  5. Is a trail marked by bones an osteopath?
  6. Are card-iologists skilled at hearts?
  7. Did you know Egyptian cancer doctors are known as ankh-ologists?
  8. Eco-podiatrists have small carbon footprints
  9. If your urologist is my urologist that makes him myologist. What a pisser.
  10. A doctor who puts your rectum to sleep is called an anusthesiologist. The pay is good, but the job stinks.
  11. Virgins celibate life every day.
  12. I’ve learned recently that Crayons are not edible. And thank God they’re non-toxic too.
  13. Dumb New Year’s Resolution #1. This year I will drink all my beverages by dipping-in my toothbrush and then sucking it out through the bristles.
  14. Palette Cleansing Statement of Certainty: The truth does not require your belief.
  15. Breaking: Baby doctor loses her license. But the real question is how did she get one in the first place. I mean she’s only 16 months old. That is one baby doctor.
  16. New Spice Girl works with dying patients. Her name: Ho Spice.
  17. Botanists who love flowers are petalphiles.
  18. Pediatricians who like to cycle are pedalphiles
  19. Secretaries who like to file are filephiles
  20. Manicurists who like to shape nails are also filephiles
  21. People who adore manicurists who like to shape nails are filephilephiles.
  22. Stories about foul air and stale odors are must-y reads
  23. You can change your name. You can change your lion’s name. But you can’t change your lion’s mane.
  24. Breaking: Felt finds new uses in women’s apparel. Women say they never felt this way before. The dark side is that many dresses are felt during fittings. #Handsoff
  25. At the Garment Worker’s Bakery these items loom large: Silk Pie, Red Velvet Cake and Lemon Chiffon Pie.
  26. Studies reveal that Evil people are unable to stomach Angel Food Cake.
  27. You can eat ramen. You can eat your friend’s ramen. But you shouldn’t eat your friend’s crayons – even if they are non-toxic.
  28. We screwed up. We thought we were brainstorming. But we were actually barnstorming.
  29. In a related story, the National Weather Service has issued a tornado advisory for the Kansas Farm Belt. “Strong cyclonic winds may cause large farm structures to be ripped from their foundations. This may lead to widespread Barnstorming. Judy Garland should take note.”
  30. He’s exceptional. You can give him a date and he can tell you how many business days it is till that date.
  31. He’s exceptional. You can give him a date and he can tell you which tree it came from.
  32. He’s exceptional. You can give him a date and by the end of the night they’re deeply in love.
  33. He’s a visionary. You can give him a blind date and by the end of the night she’s seeing again.
  34. Parallel Duo-verses? Why do we run counterclockwise on an outdoor track when everything else we do is clockwise? However let us remember, it’s not counterclockwise when you’re looking at it from Hell. In that case you’re running absolutely clockwise. Same thing with pineapple upside-down cakes…or any upside-down cake for that matter (pineapple being the foremost of the upside-down cakes). When you look at these belly-up cakes from Hell, they’re actually right side up. In this rare double-negative case, 2 wrongs do make a right…side up.
  35. In Victoria Secret’s book A Brief History of Briefs, chafing becomes an issue for Lady Chatterly’s ombudsman. Eventually an ointment soothes her irritated skin, in a chapter entitled Balm is the Bomb.
  36. I’m a firm believer in the 2-party system: one in the morning and one in the evening
  37. Sponsored: The culture in Dannon Yogurt fortifies both society and the intestines. However the culture in Greek Yogurt, for no apparent reason, causes one to throw dishes.    

 

Unnecessary Observations of the Hyper-Aware

  1. Whenever I listen to Stairway to Heaven it makes me wonder. It really makes me wonder.
  1. If I knew I was unconscious, would I still be unconscious?
  1. Whenever I see a tumbleweed skittering across the highway, it looks like Aunt Bee tumbling by and crying out, “Oh Andy! Andy! Do something!”
  1. What if the alphabet contained only the letters h, k, m, n, s, u and t? Mks u thnk
  1. Is it me or have we all passed through a membrane or something?
  1. The Ayes have it.

    Am I the only one who freaks out because a halibut has both eyes on the same side of its face – kinda like Marty Feldman did? This should not go unexamined. I’m not saying it should be the first thing out of your mouth when you meet someone, but maybe the third thing. You could just kind of ease into it like this: “Nice to meet you too Frank. You’re right, it is kinda warm today. And are you as concerned as I am about halibuts’ eyes being on one side of their face? I mean if it can happen to them, it can happen to us. Right? All it takes is for good men to do nothing and the next thing you know our eyes are stacked one beneath the other. And why? – Just for the halibut.”

  1. I must admit…there’s a feeling I get. When I look to the West. Anyway, it really makes me wonder
  1. My friend Josiah is an old soul and I think his past lives get in the way? He still refers to the Hawaiian Islands as the Sandwich Islands. He calls Istanbul, Constantinople. He calls fish, trilobites and refers to women as chattel – ouch. Sometimes he even says “non-coalesced interstellar stuff” when he’s talking about earth. Josiah is one old soul. Maybe that’s why he lives in a sod house dugout. Oddly enough, he’s never cut the cord; but only because he never had cable in the first place. That said, I do appreciate the convenient touches in his house – spittoons, boot scrapers and handy chamber pots everywhere. He even has a delivery room for expectant mothers. Well, actually it’s a manger, but these mangers have a history of birthing some very enlightened babies.
  1. I once heard a nerd order at a lunch counter the following: “I’d like a hamburger sandwich please. And some potatoes cooked in the French style. And may I request 2 packets of Fancy Catsup for use as a dipping sauce. Additionally, my fountain drink of choice is a sparkling Coca-Cola phosphate. Now for dessert, please provide me 2 Oreo Crème Sandwich cookies.” To which the waitress replies, “OK. Burger, fries, cookie and a Coke. That’ll be $7.50. And no, we don’t accept Bitcoin?”
  1. Am I the only one who notices that in certain Seinfeld reruns, sometimes the characters do completely different things than they did in the original show? Like the show where everyone marvels at what an excellent dancer Elaine is or the where all 4 remain the masters of their domains. Maybe I’m living in some kind of alternative universe? But alternative to what? Kinda mks u thnk
  1. Why is a washing machine that cleans clothes called a “washer” but a washing machine that cleans dishes is called a “dishwasher?” Dryer vs. hair dryer – same thing. Wasn’t this observation in a Seinfeld episode? It really makes me wonder.
  1. I believe that every time you accidentally hit the print screen key, an angel gets its wings (providing they’d just ordered some from Applebee’s). However, if you accidentally hit the F8 key, well that’s just Fate (F8).
  1. I wonder if Leonardo DaVinci felt any irony when he ate his last supper. Then again he’d only realize it was his last supper after the fact – and then his last supper would probably be more surprising than it was ironic. And no one even talks about his mother Mona DaVinci and his mistress Lisa Cacciatore whom he mashed-up in his famous painting the Mona Lisa. Their eyes were perfectly situated on either side of their noses, but that wry smile – that’s Lenny laughing at us. And I’ve heard tale that when the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel was painted DaVinci was naked the entire time. And what makes this even stranger is that Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel. It’s just that reports indicate that while Michelangelo was painting it in Rome, DaVinci was butt naked in Florence. Mks u thnk. And maybe…makes you wonder.
  1. I wonder if Leonardo DiCaprio feels any sense of foreboding when he’s eating supper…“Could this be Leonardo’s last supper?”
  1. I wonder if dogs know how much we appreciate the unconditional love they give.
  1. One time a plastic grocery bag tumbled by me and I swore I could hear it cry, “Andy! Do something.”
  1. I wonder if I’ve ever inhaled an oxygen atom once breathed by Jesus Christ…or even his brother, Angus H Christ. I mean as if Jesus’s blood and body aren’t enough, now we have to have his breath too? This is really going to complicate communion. Anyway I’m sure I’ve inhaled some atoms from King Louis the 16th because I’m always losing my head.
  1. I wonder if Muhammad Ali will be remastered and reissued in a boxed set?
  1. I don’t think I could ever eat at a restaurant called “The Honey Bucket.” In their ads, they claimed that every time you eat at a Honey Bucket, a janitor gets its mop.
  1. Some of my favorite gaze: 1. Looking to the West 2. Staring at a candle while in deep meditation and 3. Leonardo DaVinci. It’s true.

 

  1. The truth is true no matter what we believe. But still…it really makes me wonder.

Home Improvement Ideas for 2021

  1. Mirror That Makes You Look 10 Years Younger – Not recommended for children under 10 who become frightened when they look into their past life.
  2. Riding Vacuum from John Deere – Don’t let those 8000 sq. feet of carpeting in your mansion gather dust. Keep them spotlessly clean with a Riding Vacuum from John Deere. Why not get one for each floor. You’ll find that Riding Vacuums suck a lot more than you think. And they practically disappear into the interior design when covered with their included Riding Vacuum Cozy.
  3. Peeing Sink – Once you try this new streaming device you’ll never go back to aiming
  4. This is your brain on cauliflower.

    Refrigerator that dispenses crushed ice, cubed steak and chipped beef

  5. Techno Doggy Door – A microchip-activated pet door that allows your chipped pet indoor/outdoor privileges. Works with husbands too, providing they’re also chipped. Even works with beef, as long as it’s chipped beef.
  6. Programmable Paint from Microsoft – Paint your room one time, then set it and forget it. Alter the color as you see fit, when you see fit. Note: Paint must be chipped, even though most people don’t like chipped paint.
  7. Detached Manger – No room in the house for the new baby? Not a problem with this biblically themed nursery. Raise your child like he’s the Second Coming or at least like the angel he is. Insulated manger comes with frankincense, myrrh and a straw floor. Great for out-of-town visitors come to pay their respects. One look at its simple straw-themed design and you’ll say, “Hay!”
  8. A 2nd Floor Above-Ground Swimming Pool – Classy and white trashy. Guaranteed not to collapse…unless it does. Then enjoy your new Staircase Waterfall at no extra cost. Comes with ethically-sourced, gluten-free water noodles.
  9. Aah-oo-Gah Doorbell Chime – This supersonic doorbell breaks the sound barrier and guarantees you get to your Amazon package at the door before a robber scoops it up. It’s sonic boom is said to cure people suffering from Shy Bladder.
  10. Crawlspace Catacombs – This one might be illegal. We’ll discuss it in person.
  11. Mirrored Toilet Seat – Popular in England where they tend to be a little cheekier. Some find its reflection confusing because they don’t know whether they’re coming or going.
  12. Random Desperate Bird Fluttering Inside the House, Way Up in the Vaulted Ceiling – Guaranteed to make you feel like you’re living in a Home Depot or an Airline Terminal. If the bird escapes, all guarantees are out the window.
  13. Walk-in Closet with 30 Foot Drop into a Foam Pit – Located in the guest room, this adrenalizing freefall gives the in-laws a gentle pause for thought about ever visiting you again.
  14. 48-Car Underground Garage – Or, for the more frugal, a 36-car above ground parking structure. Underground garage incompatible with the Crawlspace Catacomb.
  15. Nuclear Powered Doorbell Light – The last doorbell light you’ll ever buy. And probably the only one too. Always leaves a light burning in the doorbell – at 950° inside a transparent titanium containment vessel. Take great comfort in the manufacturer’s guarantee that it will stay illuminated eons after the sun explodes and vaporizes Solar System. Pairs well with Aah-oo-Gah horn option.
  16. Bidet/Hydration Station Bubbler – Proves that you can drink where you clean.
  17. Husband-proof Appliances – Designed especially for husband-proofing the house by ensuring that:
    1. The dirty clothes are not put in the dryer before they’re washed
    2. Laundry does not come out of the wash all one color
    3. Soap is put in the dishwasher before it’s turned on
    4. Dishes are put in the dishwasher before it’s turned on
    5. Food is put in the microwave before it’s turned on
    6. The electric toothbrush doesn’t shock you back to 2nd grade
    7. The remote is never lost because it’s attached to a can’t-be-misplaced kayak
    8. The freezer and the refrigerator are not both set to the same temperature
  18. Every Door in the House Operates Like a Garage Door – Make entering any room an event with this brawny option. Comes with a universal remote. Pet-safe…if their chipped.
  19. Hilarious Woman’s Shoe  Closet with Room for Only 4 Pair of Shoes– Prove that you have an unbounded sense of humor by showing visitors this ridiculously undersized storage closet specially built for your wife’s 4 pairs of shoes.
  20. Drone Ceiling Fan – Fly it to the room where it’s most needed
  21. Reverse Microwave that Makes Things Cooler – It’s finally here. By overcoming the primordial forces of nature the Reverse Microwave draws about 450 gigawatts of electricity per use. Therefore your Electrical Panel must be hooked-up directly to the Hoover Dam. A better option may be to just put whatever it is you want cooled in the refrigerator for 15 minutes.
  22. Thinly Sliced Deep-Fried Potatoes – Note: In order to do this correctly, potatoes must be chipped.
  23. Chocolate Cookie and Card Playing Gaming Table – Note: The cookies and the table must both be chipped
  24. Favorite Son on the TV show My Three Sons – Gotta be Chip.
  25. Favorite 70’s TV Show – You guessed it: ChiPs

David?

Yes.

What do these last few entries about chips have to do with home improvement ideas?

Well, let’s face it folks. I’m off the rails here and I’m loving it. It’s fun to go nuts when you’re not driving a car, performing surgery or sitting in a church pew. I encourage y’all to do the same once in a while. In that way you’d be a chip off the old block.  

One of These is True

  1. Aging porn stars starting to show cracks. Starting? What else is new?
  2. What happens if President Trump is unable to govern? A. How will we know the difference.
  3. In my drawers there’s a shorts story entitled: A Brief History of Briefs
  4. I’m a great believer in the 2-party system: one in the morning and one in the evening.
  5. Deathbed Encouragement I: Jesse Jackson to Bob Hope: “Keep hope alive. We must keep hope alive.
  6. Deathbed Encouragement II: Steven Tyler to his daughter Liv Tyler. “Live, Liv. Live.”
  7. Deathbed Encouragement III: Matthew McConaughey comforting a hospice patient, “Well alright, alright, alright.”
  8. Amazon Savant: You can give him any date and he can tell you how many business days it is from today.
  9. What’s the difference between brainstorming and barnstorming? There’s no “I” in barnstorming. Incidentally, there is no eye in blind either.
  10. Jesus’ Brother Reexamined

         Cheesus Christ – The true dairy Savior and the Patron Saint of lost cheese

  1. I divide the world in to 2 groups. The blindly ignorant who unshakably believe what they know. And the regular ignorant, who are just trying truths on for size and cling to nothing. For example, my articles of faith have been through several reprints.
  2. Lioness’s lonely niece links loneliness to lessons learned.
  3. Lament of the Ignorant: Nothing is as fun as I used to think it was
  4. I’m going off the reservation now and decamping to virtual reality. I think this whole list is starting to show cracks. Butt what of it?

 

Bucket List…in Reverse: Things I NEVER Hope to Do Before I Die

My cup may runneth over, but my bucket is empty.

The phrase “I Hope Never To” should be repeated before each entry

  1. Hear my doctor say “Don’t worry. It’s the good kind of” anything
  2. Get confused when baking a flourless cake in the shape of a flower
  3. Hear the captain say, “We’ve all made our peace with the Almighty up here on the flight deck. Probably a good idea if y’all did the same back in the cabin.”
  4. Sleep in a barn and wake up a little hoarse
  5. Sleep in my bed and wake up next to a horse’s head. (Godfather reference: If you give Johnny Fontaine that part, you’ll never have to worry about this.)
  6. See my shadow move differently than I’m moving
  7. Leave #7 blank…Damn it! Epic fail. And I was so close. #7 is un-intentionally blank.
  8. Ride through the desert on a horse with no name. Or even ride through the desert on a horse whose name I knew, but subsequently forgot. And lastly, to ride through a car wash on a horse whose name I never asked and was never told.
  9. Spend time at a petting zoo. Especially as an exhibit.
  10. Be so retired that we start going out, not only to Early Bird dinners, but to Early Bird breakfasts – where of course we get the worms
  11. Free climb El Capitan – No one has to climb it. And just because it’s “there” isn’t enough of reason. I implore you all to take El Capitan for granite – hard, unforgiving granite.
  12. Walk on Hot Coals
  13. Walk on Warm Coals
  14. Walk into Kohl’s. Why should I? It’s all online.
  15. Pick-up roadside trash on weekends in order to satisfy some Community Service obligations I didn’t deserve. Next time I guess I’ll ask permission before I try to free climb Kirstie Alley.
  16. Have an air bag go off in a car I’m in (unless, of course, it needs to)
  17. Accidentally get a glimpse of the godless lumpy landscape, floating in a sea of bluish hell in a Port-a-Potty waste tank. One errant glance and you’re changed forever. Too many among us suffer silently from PPSD: Post Port-a-Potty Stress Disorder.
  18. Write a doctoral thesis contrasting Hunt’s Manwich Sandwich with Sloppy Joe’s. It’s a fool’s errand, like contrasting Mary-Kate from Ashley.
  19. See any of my internal organs
  20. Visit the warehouses where all the removed Confederate statues are stored
  21. Touch the tips of both pinkies while each is in a separate nostril
  22. Be assigned a probation officer
  23. See Donald Trump naked
  24. See Kate Upton clothed
  25. Use “winter” or “summer” as a verb (As in: Oh, we winter in Cozumel and summer in Martha’s Vineyard.)
  26. Get a call from my probation officer telling me: “My lawn gets mowed once a week and the trash goes out on Tuesday. We can talk about massage latter. Now get crackin’ Hardiman.” And before hanging up he sings: “For he’s a jolly good felon. For he’s a jolly good felon. For he’s a jolly good felonnnnnnn. That nobody can deny.”
  27. Move so slowly that I get run over by one of those 6-million lb NASA mega-transports while its rolling a rocket out to the launching pad
  28. Help my Uncle Jack off a horse
  29. Help my Uncle Jack off anything for that matter
  30. Use the past as an excuse for current choices
  31. Spend less than 10 minutes a day meditating (not thinking or cogitating)
  32. Well, you made it this far. Congratulations. Now, post this list on your wall and fill in the blank #7 using the phrase “The Big Secret is there’s no secret.”

Failed Candy Bars

  1. York Peppermint Waldo – Really good candy…if you can find it
  2. Almond Mellows – Available at marijuana dispensaries. Simultaneously causes and satisfies the Munchies
  3. Reese’s Feces – Ummm, maybe it’s filled with peanut butter, and maybe it’s not
  4. Really, Really Hilarious Ranchers – Regular Jolly Ranchers infused with THC
  5. Good-n-Linty – Sometimes candy is where you find it
  6. Arm Candy – Initially very popular with men, but they soon discovered they just couldn’t afford it

    So many cavities. So little time.

  7. 2 Musketeers Bar – A low budget 3 Musketeers. No chocolate. Just solid nougat. Sold at the Dollar Store.
  8. Almond Sad – Actually an Almond Joy for the clinically depressed
  9. Toddler Ruth’s – Baby Ruth bars that we’re left out too long
  10. Juvenile Ruth’s – Baby Ruth bars that we’re left out way too long
  11. Floater Ruth’s – Great for emptying pools
  12. Twits – Twix for stupid people
  13. DITS – Telegraphic sister candy to DOTS. People found the whole Dit-Dot thing too old-fashioned.
  14. Sweet Farts – In test markets all agreed: They absolutely stunk.
  15. Herschel’s Chocolate – Not from Hershey, but from nearby Bethlehem, PA most found this Semitic chocolate “too Jewish”
  16. Bit Bats – A knock-off version of Kit Kats. It’s the first candy bar that bites you.
  17. Claire Danes – Maybe a candy, maybe an actress. Bite it and find out.
  18. Charleston pre-Chewed – Popular candy in nursing homes where fatigued senior jaws can use a little help
  19. $28,000 Bar – A deep discount $100,000 Bar. 72% smaller than the original. Popular with dieters.
  20. Clusterf*cks – Too many snafus relegated this problematic candy to the dustbin of history
  21. M’s – Rejected M&Ms from the Mars candy factory. Available in Plain and Stupid.
  22. Shittles – A don’t ask, don’t tell version of Skittles
  23. Goodbar – A stay at home candy that never really caught on
  24. Goodbar – This candy bar was very popular early on, but eventually became Mrs. Goodbar and candy eaters began to lose interest,
  25. Payday Bar – Discontinued as Paydays kept getting smaller and smaller every year.
  26. Bit of Honey – A grammatically corrected version of Bit-O-Honey. Popular at book fairs.
  27. Lot-O-Honey – What happens when you remember her birthday. (yeah I know – It’s not a candy bar. It’s called being an artist!)
  28. Bitter Honey – What happens when there’s nothing under the tree for wifey. (yeah I know – It’s not a candy bar. It’s still called being an artist!)
  29. Honey, Honey – An Early ABBA hit (Still taking artistic license here. OK. Now back to the candy bars)
  30. Cracker Jills – A female version of Cracker Jack. Discontinued after a recurrent psychological manufacturing flaw, where they could never get the peanuts to come out of their shells
  31. Gummi Dares – Made from bear secretions. I dare you to eat one.
  32. Coconut Coated Tootsie Rolls – A Halloween favorite. Especially when you substitute clumped cat litter.
  33. Chortles – If you like to Snicker, you’ll love to Chortle. “Chortles really satisfies,” he guffawed.
  34. Gecko Wafers – It’s how Necco Wafers are sold in Hawaii. If you leave them out they migrate to the ceiling.
  35. Milky Whey – “Not enough curds doomed this well-intentioned candy,” he snickered
  36. Butterfinger – Sales really picked up after they finally put the letters “er’ between the “t” and “f”.
  37. Duds – Milk Duds that bombed
  38. Mentals – Strange substance. If you place a Mental in a Coke bottle, you foam at the ears.
  39. 2M – Mathematicians version of M&Ms. Strangely enough 2Ms are made by 3M.
  40. Candy Corn – A lot like Fruitcake. People own it. Give it as gifts, but never actually sit down and eat it.
  41. Senior Mints – A more mature version of Junior Mints. These geriatric mints enter your mouth and then forget why they went in there in the first place