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Manners Maketh Man (ways I’m trying to be more polite)

  1. When I give cashiers my credit card, stop saying, “Take it bitch”
  2. Never make a poodle owner feel uncomfortable by saying, “What the hell is wrong with you? Do you not see all that disgusting red, crusty sludge dripping from your poodle’s eyes? Jesus, wipe it off lady.”
  3. No more “free back rubs” to who’s ever sitting in front of me at church
  4. It’s not a conversation starter to say, “Boy, my Aunt Clara…she can really go through a roll of toilet paper.”
  5. Stop asking fat guys if they’re pregnant. And, unless you see a baby emerging from her body, never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant.

 

<Break> Hello friend, I’m glad you’ve taken the time to enjoy this list (now that’s polite – I’m learning)

 

  1. I no longer go thru a Taco Bell drive-thru in reverse (but it was fun)
  2. All roll-on deodorant must be applied with the roll-ees permission
  3. When meeting someone for the first time, it’s not important to know whether they fold or bunch
  4. All sniffing must be consensual – as in, “May I please sniff your ______ (body area you’re interested in sniffing)?” And wait for a response. Don’t just start sniffing.
  5. No more asking Boy Scouts to “Pull my finger” (unless, of course they’re trying to earn a “Pull My Finger” merit badge)

 

Note: I still like to pick-up lunch at Burger King, and then go up to strangers and say, “Would you like to see my Whopper?”

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THINGS I’LL NEVER FORGET

1. Watching Babe Ruth’s home run trot around the bases and wondering how his tiny little ankles didn’t break under the strain of his hulking torso
2. Where I was when I first heard the word “delicatessen.” I know. You too, right. And then I found out you could actually shorten it to “deli.” Wow!
3. The day my mom brought home Captain Crunch with Crunch Berries. OMG. I mean Captain Crunch I got. I could wrap my mind around Captain Crunch. But the whole crunch berries thing was like pouring milk on the fire. And that singular event was pretty much the dividing line for everything in my life. Everything that happened before crunch berries and everything that came after crunch berries. You too right.
4. When Jan first said, “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!”
5. That time our dog threw-up in my mouth: https://davidhardiman.com/…/this-preposterous-anecdote…/
6. Seeing my grandmother naked. Well, how was I to know she pole-danced in her room for exercise.
7. My tea party playdates with my imaginary friends Little Debbie, Wendy and Waldo. Friends would ask, “Where’s Waldo?” And I’d say, “How can you not see him? He’s right there next to Wendy. There’s Waldo.”
I always invited Carmen Sandiego too, but she never showed. It’s like, where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
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Incidentally: I’m still waiting for a reboot of “These Boots are Made for Walking”…listening Nancy Sinatra. If she can’t reboot “Boots” she can at least resole it. Then again, maybe I should just settle for “These Boots are Made for Walken.” Does the name Christopher Walken ring a bell – a cowbell.

Things I No Longer Need to Be Reminded Of

1. That smoking is not allowed on airplanes, or in the lavatories. You may however, vape on the wings.
2. That occasionally, your spouse can be used as a flotation device.
3. That Twitter is now known as X. As in it’s an ex-useful platform.
4. That if I’m experiencing a medical emergency I should hang up and call Dr. Rick from Progressive Insurance
5. That too many “that’s” spoil a list and that’s that.
6. That there is no #6, and stop reminding me of that.
7. That “Too many cooks spoil the moth.” Fortunately cooks rarely prepare moth dishes. Maybe Buffalo Moth Wings, but that’s about it.
8. That Quinn Martin and Jack Webb were cut from the same cloth (that esoteric joke was for my own pleasure. I’m such a selfish sh*t)
9. That Sonny and Cher won’t be getting back together. At least not until Cher dies (I know…Boo)
10. That I won’t be getting back together. At least not until a few more sessions with my psychiatrist.
11. There is no #11. I mean there is a number 11, but just not in this list.
SOS: And if you can hear me Taylor, call me when Travis isn’t around. I’ve got news about Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. Big News!

FB Posts…Shilly Shtuff

  1. Merry Chlistmas everyone!
    I know. There’s Noel in Christmas

 

  1. How Gullible are You?   IF YU Kan Reed THS, Y’ve alreddy wasted 5 sekonds of yur Lyfe. Zeriously

 

  1. Ho Hum.
    Sitting around, doin’ nuthin’.
    I am now Bored Certified. And qualified to practice being bored at any NV hospital. Yes!

 

  1. Best Labor Day Weekend Ever…even though it’s Memorial Day

 

  1. What am I missing here:
    May the June 4th be with you?

 

  1. “I have nothing to say right now. And it shows.”
    The above quip was written for David Hardiman by AI

 

  1. I visited the Oreos website and a pop-up asked me if I’d accept their cookies.
    Of course. That’s why I’m there. For the cookies.

 

  1. What if…Oh never mind. Then again, maybe. Right?
    Cuz, y’know, it could. In fact, it probably is.

 

  1. This new Chinese restaurant is kinda glum. At the end of the meal, they give you an Unfortunate Cookie.    And, according to their website, you have to accept their cookies.

 

  1. Q. What did John, Paul, George and Ringo drink at breakfast?
    A. Well, Beatle Juice of course.

As I Get Older

1. My favorite fruit is elderberries (the older the elder, the better)
2. Favorite name is Jerry Atrick
3. My favorite dog bark is “AARP”
4. Favorite special is the Early Bird Special (finish dinner @ 4:55😃)
5. At the height of summer, I go to bed while it’s still light out
6. The Lawrence Welk Show…not as corny as I once thought – especially those Bobby & Sissy dance numbers
7. In my garage I’ve got a centerfold pin-up of Meryl Streep from “Only Murders in the Building”
8. I now pee in Morse Code
9. For no reason I know, I now call my refrigerator, the Kelvinator
10. Castor oil? It’s good for what ails you.

*** Things That Still Unify Us ***

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1. Remembering your first kiss. So what if your lips were pressed against a mirror.
2. The caramelized golden crusted corners of macaroni & cheese. Amirite?
3. The fact we all have 206 bones. Except for that fraidy cat “Shaggy” Rogers from Scooby-Doo. He only had 205. No backbone.
4. Enjoying a good yawn, a good sneeze, a good sigh…or any other good bodily discharge
5. And speaking of sneezing: Who amongst us didn’t say “God bless you” the first time they heard someone say “Machu Picchu?”
6. Knowing that God is great. But perhaps wishing he had fewer franchises.
7. The simple joy of watching a Hogan’s Heroes episode. Alright watching back-to-back Hogan’s Heroes episodes. OK binge-watching Season 3 of Hogan’s Heroes in one sitting. Alright. I’ll admit it. Watching all 168 episodes consecutively while wearing an adult diaper. Please tell me I’m not alone on this one.

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We take a break for an 8-second uplifting chant: Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmm, Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmm
and Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmm

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8. After a shower, slickin’ back my hair and rockin’ the white man’s overbite while playing nude air guitar in the bathroom mirror. Please tell me I’m not alone on this one.
9. Screw National Poetry Month. The only month worth celebrating is National Cheeseburger Month.
10. Costco: $5 for a whole cooked chicken, $1.50 for a 2 ft long hot dog and enough free samples to qualify as lunch
11. During daylight savings time, springing the clocks ahead only 55 minutes and then secretly pocketing a cool 5 minutes for yourself on the down low. Oh yeah.
12. Seeing Gal Gadot in her Wonder Woman costume. I know I’m not alone in that one.
13. Seeing Kevin Hart in a onesie. I’m sure I am alone on this one
14. Seeing the invisible man…at all
15. Experiencing that thunderbolt of Hollywood understanding when you’re watching the Oscars and presenter Eva Marie-Saint casually refers to a guy named Fred Hitchcock. And then BOOM! You realize…My God, she’s talking about Alfred Hitchcock.

Auuuuuuuuummmmm

Trouble at the OK Tool Corral

  1. A Step Ladder is your relationship to a ladder a 2nd wife brings into the marriage. Together you create a blended family toolbox.
  2. I went to a hardware store and asked the clerk where the screwdrivers were. He directed me, and when I got there, it was nothing but a shelf of Vodka and Orange Juices.
  3. By definition, all of my friend Phil’s screwdrivers are Phillip’s screwdrivers
  4. I simply cannot deal with my coping saw anymore

    Are awl tools good?

  5. And now my hacksaw won’t stop coughing
  6. You Can’t Win: At a garage sale, a farmer sold a couple of his old hoes. He then bought some new hoes and then the 4H Club accused him of trafficking in hoes.
  7. I’m not surprised my Stud Finder keeps pointing at me
  8. In Brooklyn if you request an ax, you must “aks for an ax”
  9. The offensive term “Monkeywrench” has been given the less politically charged name of Primatewrench
  10. DIY: How to Properly Screw – Whenever I need to screw something, I always take my time to do it right and think of the wood’s feelings too. I usually drill a little pilot hole and then grease it up for easier insertion. After making sure my nuts are nearby, but out of the way, I’ll introduce the screw and slowly and carefully put it in. Sometimes the wood is unforgiving and I have to get a little rough, which is OK as long as it’s in service of a nice tight bond – so they’re both mutually clinging to each other. And then when it’s over and the screw has become one with the wood, I linger for a bit and never just bolt when I’m through. This is called the resolution phase or afterdrill. It’s a very important step and paves the way for future screwings. Sometimes I have to rest between fastenings, but after a while, something woody appears and I’m ready for my next screwing.

 

Edited Out

  1. Happiness is a warm Nail Gun
  2. The Soldiers Soldering Iron Cross is awarded to a GI who valorously welds things on the field of battle.

 

Household Chores for Bachelors

  1. Pick up stuff…put it someplace where she can’t see it
  2. Erase chalk outline of body on garage floor leftover from last year’s “incident”
  3. Freshen-up the spittoons and clean the boot scraper
  4. Collect all the desiccated birds from the attic without disturbing “mother”
  5. Do laundry or buy more clothes
  6. Figure out where those Gregorian chants are coming from in the basement
  7. Put things in their place
  8. Make room so there are places to put things
  9. Hope I don’t get slapped again when I suggest to the maid we do some “feather dusting” in the butler’s pantry
  10. Stop telling guests the bidet is an ADA-compliant drinking fountain
  11. Rearrange the dust on everything so it’s evenly dispersed
  12. Toss out the mini travel toothpaste tube I’ve been using for 8 months. I swear I squeezed more toothpaste out of it than they put into it.
  13. Do the dishes
  14. Screw the dishes. Buy paper plates and plastic sporks.
  15. Vacuum all the dead bugs lying on the window sills
  16. Vacuum all the live bugs swirling around the bananas
  17. Change the air filter in the cold air return…Check that. Install an air filter in the cold air return
  18. Change the sheets or ask the mice to please sleep on the other side
  19. Flush the toilet in the guest room. Check that. Wait a minute? There is no bathroom in the guest room. That ain’t good.
  20. Play the Beatles while I do my chores. Maybe some Steely Dan too.
  21. Evict the guy who’s been squatting in my storage shed for the last 3 months. Check that. Tell my uncle he has to move out of the storage shed by Wednesday – and to stop that Gregorian chanting.

 

Edited Out

  • Fireproof house with inexpensive asbestos paint
  • To stop the walls from breathing, stop taking after dinner gummies
  • Ask a neighbor what day they actually pick-up the trash
  • Note to Self: Wash behind ears. In fact, wash behind anything that dangles.
  • Screw the house and just sleep in my car parked at Costco, eat their hot dogs and rotisserie chickens and let them worry about keeping a bathroom clean.

Alright! We Get It.

You Never Have to Tell Us Again

  1. We no longer need to be reminded that “X” was formerly known as Twitter
  2. I’m not concerned if the book I’m reading was printed on equipment used in processing tree nuts
  3. Conversely you never needed to change Datsun to Nissan, Bombay to Mumbai or Betty Persky to Lauren Bacall
  4. Safety in the Wild: How many times must we be told that if you’re out walking in nature and you’re confronted by a Grizzly Bear you should start singing YMCA; it confuses the bear. Conversely, whenever I’ve been approached by an elephant I befriend him by saying, “How you got into my pajamas I’ll never know?”  
  5. Safety in the Wild II: How many times must we be told that if you’re out walking in nature and you’re confronted by an angry snail, you should make yourself look really big, so it’ll think twice about attacking you. Conversely, if you’re approached by an aggressive ground squirrel you should roll yourself up into a submissive ball and offer to hold its nuts.
  6. More Safety in the Wild: And how many times must we be told that if you’re out walking among Mormons you should make yourself look like you already have 2 wives, that way they’ll be less likely to propose. They say, when in Morm, do as the Mormons do – right? Conversely, if you’re ever confronted by a Jehovah’s Witness you should make it appear that you have poor powers of observation. That way they’ll avoid you because they know you’d make a very bad Witness.
  7. To all websites: Unless I’m at a bakery, I don’t want any of your damn “cookies”
  8. We all completely understand that if we’re experiencing a life-threatening emergency, we’ll call 9-1-1. We’re not going to call our optometrist or dentist after hours if we’re losing consciousness.
  9. No one except Julius Caeser has ever had to “Beware the Ides of March.” Retire the phrase please.
  10. Even though we know our call matters to you, no one will ever listen closely just because “some of your options may have changed.”
  11. No one ever needs to open any letter addressed to Current Resident. Or has ERCLOT or Electronic Service Requested printed on it. But especially if it has Personal and Confidential on the envelope. If I ever send something personal and confidential to someone, I’m never going to advertise that it’s personal and confidential to potential prying eyes.
  12. No one will ever, ever take a shower before getting into a pool unless it’s with a naked loved one, in which case who cares if there’s a pool

 

 

Urban Legends

  1. The earthquake ravaged city of Katmandu in Nepal, has closed down. It will now be renamed Katmandone. It was a noble attempt, but Katmandu is now past tense. In other words, Katmandu is Katmandid, and is now Katmandone.
  2. In happier urban news Timbuktu has expanded. It’s now Timbukthree.
  3. No changes to Bumf*ck, Idaho, although they did get a new Payday Loan Center where you can get up to 75% on a clean motorcycle title loan. You may also pawn an organ if you currently possess more than one of them.
  4. Walla Walla, Washington has two walls in its name and I’m told Mexico paid for both of them.
  5. In recognition of its new power supply Washington, DC will now be called Washington, AC. The bisexual area of Washington is still called Washington AC/DC. 
  6. After almost 200 years of recovery Wounded Knee, South Dakota will now be called Healed Knee, South Dakota. Wow, talk about a pre-existing condition.
  7. And finally, did you hear about the gay Australian? I hear he went back to Sydney.
  8. Well what about the lesbian North Carolinian? She went back to Charlotte.
  9. And Jojo? He went back to where he once belonged.