Posts Tagged ‘list’

Things I Wish I’d Thought Of


Oh, wait, I did think of these. I guess I wasn’t careful what I wished for.

  1. Who makes a tornado chaser look smart?

          A volcano chaser.

  1. What goes well with a shot of lava?

          A volcano chaser.

  1. The Toast Restaurant Admits: “Bread and butter is our bread and butter.”
  2. Pet Sleepwear Outlet Admits: “Our cat’s pajamas are the cat’s pajamas.”
  3. Magnet Magnate Admits: “People are drawn to me.”
  4. Cartoon Character Admits: “People are drawn to me.”
  5. Crab Meat Admits: “Butter is drawn to me.”
  6. Guy claiming to have a Horse Drawn Carriage Admits: “The carriage was really drawn by my daughter and not our horse.
  7. Ticket Taker Admits: A fan into the stadium.
  8. Woke Person Admits: “I may be woke, but I’m very groggy.”
  1. Pièce de résistance Admits: “I’m just a piece of resistance.”
  2. I’m always unnerved when someone yells at me, “Enjoy your stupid life.”

         How did they know?



  1. My college roommate is the mature one. Unlike me, he eats his bread with the crust on and is able to sleep with the lights off.
  2. News from the Highway: Prestressed Concrete Suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Plenty of blame to go around. Mostly it’s your asphalt.
  3. Since when did “I know it like the back of my hand” become a standard for certainty. I couldn’t identify the back of my hand if it was a the lineup with other hands. Facial recognition, yes. Back of the hand recognition, not yet.
  4. I just realized: I’m left-nostrilled. And I thought I was ambi-nostrilled for the longest time.

Books I’d Like to See Written

  1. The Extra Virgin Virgin – If Olive Oil Can be Extra Virgin, Why Can’t People Too?
  2. I Love Talking on the Phone to My Mother: And Other Lies
  3. Moby Richard: The Politically Correct Version of Moby Dick
  4. If You Won’t Trust Me with Your Emu, How Can I Trust You with My Ostrich?
  5. Madame Ovary…. Flaubert’s masterpiece (Madame Bovary) reimagined against a backdrop of menstruation
  6. The Ileum: Homer’s Reworked Epic Poem Takes a Heroic Journey Through His Digestive Tract
  7. Seriously, Is There Anybody Out There Who is Not on the Spectrum?
  8. Falling in Love with Your Type Face: Fonts I Have Cherished
  9. Feeling bookish and bike-ish.

    Hamlet and Eggs: Dr. Seuss Meets Shakespeare

  10. A Thrower in the Oats…. The less successful sequel to A Catcher in the Rye
  11. Sorry Earthlings, I’m Just Not that Evolved Yet: A Young Soul Apologizes for Being So Unenlightened F*cking Stupid
  12. How to Win Friends and Influence Cannibals
  13. Pretty, Pretty Good Expectations…. by Larry David not Charles Dickens
  14. Tommy Quixote: Don’s Little Brother Tilts at Pinball
  15. Can’t Count on Kant: Stories about Immanuel Kant’s Unreliability (May have inspired Better Call Saul)
  16. Catch-99 Luftballons… Even Joseph Heller can’t resist Nena’s “catchy” German song
  17. The Invisible Man…. I don’t see myself reading it
  18. Blades of Leaves…. Whitman’s follow-up to his Leaves of Grass
  19. The Miserables…. American version of Les Misérables
  20. The Very, Very Good Gatsby.… The lesser-known prequel to The Great Gatsby
  21. Sorry, I Thought it was a Drinking Fountain: And Other Bidet Mistakes
  22. The Poetry of Vlad the Impaler…. Such a misunderstood tyrant. The newly rehabilitated Impaler displays his rapier-like verse in pointed ways. The sensitive skewer-master evinces a piercing understanding of the human condition. A great read – why not take a stab at it?
  23. The Greatest Stories Ever Whispered: Pillow Talk at its Juiciest
  24. Someday It’ll be 50 years in the Future: Things I Said 50 Years Ago
  25. We’re All Non-Binary. We’re Just Choosing to Be Binary.
  26. Lit From the Inside: The Karin Hardiman Story (Best Book Ever – Still Being Written)


A Potpourri of Observations that are Completely Odorless

  1. I’m so confused. The Temp Agency got me a permanent, parttime job at the Unemployment Office.
  2. It is said that centuries ago when there were 2 Popes, they sometimes raced down the Nave to get to the pulpit first. Occasionally one Pope might cut off the other sparking a hellacious case of Pope Rage.
  3. After taking way too many Southwest flights I tried to speak romantically to my wife. It didn’t go well: “I know you have choices when it comes to husbands and I really appreciate you flying David Hardiman. I was thinking maybe we could get my “tray table” in the upright and locked position before we take-off.”
  4. Did you ever iron your money when giving it as a gift?    Yes, but just the change.  
  1. I’m writing a new Vincent Van Gogh biography. It’s called “A Brush with Greatness.” I think you’ll find it kind of earry.
  2. My proctologist says there’s a big difference between being involved in a morass and being involved in more ass. (Alright, that joke is not completely odorless. So sue me.)
  3. Now you know. When a Sign Language Interpreter gets arthritis, they call it laryngitis.

Airport Quiz

  1. What airport is Irish and hirsute…                                 O’Hair
  2. What airport is the most boring and uninteresting…    Dullest
  3. What airport is considered careless…                             Lax
  4. What airport is careless and makes you poop…            Ex-Lax
  5. Name a President you can land on…                               JFK
  6. What airport has toffee candy bars lined-up…              Heathrow
  7. Name an airport with a lot of nerve…                              Charles “De Gaulle” (the gall of that airport)
  8. What do babies say when someone is leaving…             Dubai

I write this quiz on a layover in Frankfurt while grabbing a quick hamburg. I’m sorry, I meant to say I write this in Hamburg while grabbing a quick frankfurt. Anyway, they’re boarding my plane, so Dubai for now everybody.

My Aging Body: Recent Observations

  1. I don’t know how it happens, but nowadays, no matter where I am, whenever I get naked, light bulbs automatically dim
  2. To hell with aiming. When I get up to pee during the night, I sit on the pot.
  3. My dermatologist says I have old-growth skin tags that are so ancient, they’ve become UNESCO World Preservation sites and, by law, cannot be removed
  4. I must be slipping. Whenever I play catch, and my partner fakes the throw I wonder…where did the ball go? It takes me about 10 seconds to figure out they still have the ball.
  5. I try to maintain a positive body image, but when I look in a mirror these days, I’m mostly pixilated.
  6. You know those stupid 2 ½ minute pharmaceutical commercials? I record them.
  7. I guess I’m non-binary now. Instead of seeing the world as a series of 1’s and 0’s, now I see it as a series of business and non-business days
  8. I’m very proud of my well-formed nostrils. I’m just a Nostril-positive person. Although most people just think I’m nosey.
  9. I’m already so “out there,” that if I take a Gummy, I actually get more sober
  10. Even though I’m mostly bald now, I have the same amount of total hair I had when I was 20. It’s just redistributed amongst my ears, nostrils, eyebrows and back.
  11. Nowadays when people point at something, I just look at the end of their finger
  12. And finally, I realize I’m getting older because I don’t know any of the hosts on Saturday Night Live

Popular New Food Network Shows

 Popular New Food Network Shows Part I

  1. The Butcherlor: Young female carnivores vie for the affections of a hunky single butcher. Most get chopped. The winner is neatly tied-up in wax paper and then slid across a stainless-steel counter into the waiting arms of the Butchelor. Anyway you cut it, this show is a real meat market.
  2. Queer Food for the Straight Guy: This show introduces breeders to LGBTQ cuisine. Watch as a straight guy is served a BLT where the B, L and T do not stand for bacon, lettuce or tomato. This is a sandwich you need to chew very, very carefully.
  3. Baking Bad: A high school chemistry teacher turns to a life of baking bad, meth-based brownies in order to ensure his family’s financial security. He responds to others ridiculing his baking by saying, “I am the one who mocks.”
  4. Mallard in the Middle: A Mallard Duck is stuffed between a turkey and a chicken creating the very first turducken. This turducken is then woefully undercooked. In fact, the whole show is kinda half-baked.
  5. Alimentary My Dear Watson: Chef Sherlock Holmes takes his loyal assistant Dr. Watson on a gastronomic tour of London in hopes of detecting any trace of edible British cuisine. When Holmes asks his associate, “Do you also find the blood pudding dreadful?” Watson responds, “No sh*t Sherlock.”
  6. Hogan’s Gyros: At the height of WWII a group of daring Greek commandos infiltrate Nazi Germany and open a sandwich shop in the Little Athens section of Berlin. The restaurant however, is really a front for sabotaging the Third Reich.
  7. Naked and Sautéed: Two unclothed chefs are dropped in the middle of a Panda Express where they must whip-up a chicken stir-fry without singeing their dangling bits. Show is guaranteed to knock your woks off.
  8. Parm to Table: An array of exotic parmesans is served-up including Koala Parm and Marm Parm (made with real marmoset).
  9. The Webbed-foot Contessa: She walks like a duck and cooks like a duck, but she’s not a duck. Watch, as any criticism of her cooking runs right off her back. BTW, the Web-footed Contessa’s father, who is a disreputable doctor, has a sister show called “Quack.”
  10. Trans to Table: This show spotlights nonbinary farmers who will only grow plants that have had their angiosperm reassigned
  11. Foodies with Benefits: This tender Tinder show follows foodies who make a mess in the kitchen – and not from cooking food either.
  12. Slaughterhouse to Nugent: The Food Network celebrates the diet of extreme carnivore Ted Nugent


***Palette Cleanser***


Popular New Food Network Shows Part II

  1. Jellowstone: Stalwart Montana rancher John Dutton must decide between his love of family or his love of gelatin. And although at times Dutton can be sweet, he’s no Jolly Rancher.
  2. Better Phone Joan: In this prequel to Better Call Saul, we see savvy culinary lawyer Joan Child (Julia’s granddaughter) lawfully protecting the copyrights of chefs’ recipes. When someone is stealing a proprietary recipe, chefs everywhere agree: Better Phone Joan.
  3. Is it a Refreshing Lemon Ice or Icky Yellow Snow? : Taste means everything in this show where one wrong lick and urine trouble. Show is a real pisser.
  4. Orange Chicken is the New Blackened Redfish: This New Orleans based show explains how orange chicken overtook blackened redfish in popularity. This NOLA show’s theme song is a modified version of the Kinks’ “Lola” – ♫NOLA, N-O-L-A, NOLA just like cherry cola ♫
  5. The CIA’s Stolen Secrets: Top Secret recipes are stolen from the other CIA (Culinary Institute of America). If they fall into the wrong hands, it could ruin Beef Wellington for generations. You know what to do: Better Phone Joan.
  6. The Brady Lunch: A widow and widower decide to pool their resources in opening a restaurant called Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. Parents Carol and Mike work the front of the house while chef Alice does all the scut work in the back with the “help” of their bunch of 6 unorganized children. Alpha-kid Greg succeeds in unionizing the Bunch and they all get a 10 This is where the expression, “It’s like herding Brady’s” came from.
  7. Bunsmoke: When the town’s only bakery keeps burning all the pastries, Sheriff Matt Dillon must figure out who’s the pyro-pastry perp. He remarks to Miss Kitty, “I’ve heard of Hot Cross Buns, but this is ridiculous.”
  8. Weiner 8000: The Food Network’s Investigative Unit blows the lid off dangerously high mileage hot dogs spinning at 7-11’s across the country. Most have been rotating for over 8000 miles and are completely bald. Other hot dogs are so old they have meat in them from animals that are now extinct.
  9. Taco Bell’s Really, Really Fast Run for the Border: Show features their new stomach-bloating “Farm to Toilet” menu
  10. It’s Always Cheesesteaks in Philadelphia: In this delightful re-boot of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, a maniacal Danny DeVito takes control of the restaurant association and forces cheesesteaks onto the menu of every single restaurant.
  11. Mickey D’s: Show fantasizes what a restaurant would be like if McDonald’s and Disney combined forces. Menu items include Pitas of the Caribbean, Filet-o-Nemo, Egg McMouses, Frickin’ McNuggets and Cryogenically Frozen Walt Swirls. For those counting calories a Tinkerbell menu is available.
  12. Whiners, Sit-ins and Hives: Guy Fieri dines with complainers, college protesters and beekeepers. Eventually they all end up eating crow.
  13. Soup to Nuts: In this psychologically revealing show, unsuspecting diners begin their meals with some relatively tame chicken soup. Unbeknownst to them, they are progressively served foods that induce insanity. At the end of the meal, diners are absolutely nuts. “Soup to Nuts” is a favorite of lunatics everywhere.
  14. Fingerling Earthling: Dr. Moreau meets Mr. Potato Head. A crazed plant geneticist creates a potato with human aspirations. The resultant spud seems more interested in collecting social security than in putting in a good day’s work. So what else is new?



1. What do you call many dams built in a stream? —- Brook Shields
2. I think Nostril Shaming will be the next body image attack so try to be nostril positive.
3. If Iowa died, would it lie in state?
4. If a George Santos died, would he just continue to lie.
5. When urinals were installed in early movie theaters, that began the first streaming service. Did this streaming service work? – Depends.
6. The word “oodles” is tragically underused
7. If you want to sound like Elmer Fudd, instead of pronouncing it “tragically” pronounce it “twagicwee”
8. Johnny is “actose intolerant.” He avoids mik.
9. I can’t honestly say “I am.” I’m just Am-ish
10. Cher (76) just married a man young enough (36) to be her grandson. No problem though, since he identifies as a geriatric and she identifies as a crisis.
11. Denali is not just a mountain in Alaska. No wait. That’s de Nile.
12. Does the water from my refrigerator really need to be filtered. Wouldn’t it be just like drinking from the tap? Those pricey filters are just a profit center for LG, like printer cartridges are for HP. I’m calling BS on LG and HP.
13. What the hell is a “normal school”?
14. I eat the cookies in my computer. Byte by byte.
15. Horses are always in their hay day
16. Is a hippocampus a place where hippos go to school?
17. In Tom Cruise, Hollywood has made a mountain out of a mogul
18. The creator of a shop that welded metal flounder for displays was losing money. Headline in the paper read: Founder of Flounder Foundry Floundering. The whole thing was kinda (let’s say it together) “Fishy.” If he was an artist the whole thing would’ve been kinda “sketchy.”
19. Same day a midget clairvoyant escaped from jail. Headline in paper read: Small Medium at Large.
20. His goal was rather underwhelming. He wanted to be placed on administrative leave, while under house arrest.
21. I came close to having one of those Near-Death Experiences. But it was just a near Near-Death Experience.
22. Did you know that in Australia, the export of sheep is a cash cow
23. And remember, despite all the troubles in the world: Don’t sweat the onions – It’s all onions.
24. That’s it for now. Bye bye. Or as they say in Tinsel Town: Oodles of toodles to you.

What Do You Call People From…?

1. Antwerp…. Twerps

2. Jacksonville…. The Village People

3. Amsterdam…. Amsterdamnits

4. Botswana…. BotsWannabees

5. Livermore…. Livermorons

6. Dubai…. Doobies

7. Auckland…. Awkwards

8. Gaza Strip…. Gaza Strippers

9. Bangkok…. People from “Bangkok” are simply embarrassed

10. Walla Walla…. Walla Walla Bing Bangs

11. Nantucket…. Side Note: I once knew a man from Nantucket

12. Las Vegas…. Vegans

13. Buffalo…. Carnivores

14. Transylvania…. Trans (But they identify as non-vampire)

15. Budapest…. Budapestilents

16. Paris…. Snooty

16. Reno…. Renoites

17. Denver…. Denverites

18. Overb…. Overbites

19. Beverly Hills…. Wealthy

20. Brussels…. Sprouts

21. Moscow…. Drunks

22. St. Petersburg…. The citizens formerly known as Leningraders

23. Duluth…. The Dulleth People on Earth

24. England…. Limeys

25. Lima…. Limays

26. Greece…. Slimeys

27. Pirate Cove…. Blimeys

28. Madrid…. Madreadfuls

29. Liverpool…. Beatles

30. Helsinki…. Helfloati

31. Kuala Lumpur…. Kuala Lumpers

32. Hanoi…. Hannoying

33. Juneau…. Juneau what? People from Juneau are very cold.

34. Eugene…. Eugenies

35. Delhi…. Delhicatessens

36. Seattle…. Satellites

37. Howe Cavern…. Stalactites

38. Detroit…. Detroiters

39. Mega-thyroid…. Biggoiters

40. Fargo…. Fargoners

41. Catville…. Pussies

42. Hamburg…. Hamburgers

43. Frankfurt…. They are the Wurst

44. Nome…. Young Ladies are called Misnomers. Natives are Eskinomes

45. Leipzig…. Nazis (yes, still Nazis)

46. The Hague…. The The’s

47. Rome…. Roamers

48. Xanadu…. Xanadogooders

49. Islamabad…. Islamabadasses

50. Memphis…. Memphistophelians

51. Miami…. Mimis or Mariah Careys

52. Richardville…. People from Richardville are a Bunch of Dicks

53. Tel Aviv…. Tell a Vivians

54. Baghdad…. Baghdaddies

55. Kazakhstan…. Kazakstanleys

56. Lisbon…. Lisbians

57. Dike, Ohio…. Dykes

58. Winnipeg…. Winni-margarets

59. Bonn…. Bonn Bonns

60. Narnia…. Narnians

61. Kalamazoo…. Kalamazoologists

62. Sweden…. Sweetish

63. Liverpool…. Hepatitispudlians

64. London…. Good-ole-blokes-fine-chaps-and-all-that

65. Yemen…. Yemeni (If you’re at war with them, they’re Enemy Yemeni)

66. Bethlehem…. Jesuits

And finally, if you’re from Earth, you have a limited time here so try to avoid grievances, judgments and people from Kalamazoo.

Observations After 61 Years of Living (most of them consecutive)

Let’s begin by setting the expectation bar really low, and hope I can get under it.

  1. I rub women the wrong way – I’m a Massagynist
  2. Physicist Izzy Grissom insists his wrist is twisted, but it’s just a cyst that persists. That’s the gist.
  3. My advice to the citizens of Moldova: Men, guard your catalytic convertors. Women and children, sell your platelets. And to all my mollusk friends: keep clam.
  4. For obvious reasons, during performances at the High Wire Club, tipping is not allowed
  5. It is said by people much smarter than me (and I’m sure there are some someplace) that curly fries are overblown.
  6. The preeminent physicist Robert Oppenheimer was also a great chef, though in some of his dishes he did tend to over-plutonium a bit. I’m told he made the only Beef Wellington with a half-life and his fusion cooking was absolutely devastating.
  7. I felt both full and empty after reading Jean-Paul Sartre’s Being and Nothingness.
  8. The syphilis way to get an STD is to have sex


Strange Causes of Death as Seen on 19/19 (I mean 20/20)

  1. Wilma Cantwell groaned to death after reading my pun: “I was going to write this list in Times New Roman font, but it’s really not my type.”
  2. In Compton, Dylan Barrett Browning was crushed to death in a vicious drive-by poetry slam. Investigators say there was no rhyme or reason to it.
  3. Swami Baba Ganouj died when, after an out-of-body experience, he couldn’t get back in to his body again. In 3 attempts he failed to identify all the bicycles in a cosmic Captcha Code and got locked out. Enjoy the Astral plane Baba.
  4. Picture I always include in my resume. So what if I haven’t worked in 9 years. It’s who I am.

    In 1985 Sheena Loman was flabbergasted to death after sampling New Coke

  5. A Marilyn Monroe impersonator died when she tried to reenact the famous subway dress scene from The Seven Year Itch and an unexpectedly powerful burst of air from the subway grating lifted her and her billowing dress into the path of an oncoming bus.
  6. Finn Atwater died from being morbidly alphanumeric. Her Pinterest User Name was $5@H20 (“$5” = a fin and “@H20” = Atwater). RIP Finn.
  7. In 1952, the actress Rita Hayworth was instantly vaporized by paparazzi when they simultaneously took 22 glimmering shots of her. She was gone in a flash.
  8. Caleb Cushing of New York City turned to salt after accidentally seeing his grandmother doing naked hot yoga. He briefly became a pillar of the community – a salt pillar – till that same powerful burst of air that killed the Marilyn Monroe impersonator, blew Caleb to smithereens.
  9. Patrick Dunder, died when he was peering down a railroad track to make sure no train was coming and the barricade arm came down and conked him on the head.
  10. An absent-minded Grateful Deadhead dyed today when he realized he was wearing a white t-shirt. He tie-dyed.