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Strange Causes of Death as Seen on 19/19 (I mean 20/20)

  1. Wilma Cantwell groaned to death after reading my pun: “I was going to write this list in Times New Roman font, but it’s really not my type.”
  2. In Compton, Dylan Barrett Browning was crushed to death in a vicious drive-by poetry slam. Investigators say there was no rhyme or reason to it.
  3. Swami Baba Ganouj died when, after an out-of-body experience, he couldn’t get back in to his body again. In 3 attempts he failed to identify all the bicycles in a cosmic Captcha Code and got locked out. Enjoy the Astral plane Baba.
  4. Picture I always include in my resume. So what if I haven’t worked in 9 years. It’s who I am.

    In 1985 Sheena Loman was flabbergasted to death after sampling New Coke

  5. A Marilyn Monroe impersonator died when she tried to reenact the famous subway dress scene from The Seven Year Itch and an unexpectedly powerful burst of air from the subway grating lifted her and her billowing dress into the path of an oncoming bus.
  6. Finn Atwater died from being morbidly alphanumeric. Her Pinterest User Name was $5@H20 (“$5” = a fin and “@H20” = Atwater). RIP Finn.
  7. In 1952, the actress Rita Hayworth was instantly vaporized by paparazzi when they simultaneously took 22 glimmering shots of her. She was gone in a flash.
  8. Caleb Cushing of New York City turned to salt after accidentally seeing his grandmother doing naked hot yoga. He briefly became a pillar of the community – a salt pillar – till that same powerful burst of air that killed the Marilyn Monroe impersonator, blew Caleb to smithereens.
  9. Patrick Dunder, died when he was peering down a railroad track to make sure no train was coming and the barricade arm came down and conked him on the head.
  10. An absent-minded Grateful Deadhead dyed today when he realized he was wearing a white t-shirt. He tie-dyed.

Today is National Ebenezer Day

Imagine a world where every person, place or thing is named Ebenezer:

 

  1. Prince would become, the artist formerly known as Ebenezer
  2. Jeopardy questions suddenly a whole lot easier
  3. Determining sexual consent might be a problem: “Would you mind if I kissed you on the Ebenezer?”
  4. Wouldn’t have to worry about mispronouncing the city of Yuzhnoukrainsk in Mykolaiv Oblast…or any city in any Oblast
  5. Dinner parties would be tricky: “Would you please pass the Ebenezer”
  6. Hey Jude becomes Hey Ebenezer
  7. The horse that guy rode through the desert on that he thought had no name…Ebenezer
  8. The answer to the song’s question Say my name, Say my name…Ebenezer
  9. Chuck Norris… Still Chuck Norris
  10. In Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” Tiny Tim would become Tiny Ebenezer
  11. The phrase “We can’t cater to every Tom Dick and Harry,” becomes ”We can’t cater to every Ebenezer Ebenezer and Ebenezer.”
  12. Bjórk…Ebénézér
  13. Wasted away again in Ebenezerville
  14. That Paul Simon song “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” would have to be seriously reworked.
  15. Consumer reports would always recommend Ebenezer brand
  16. While lovemaking, you could never yell out the wrong name
  17. All anonymous sources would be named Ebenezer
  18. GPS would be impossible. Unless of course you were going to Ebenezer.

The point is we’d all be Scrooged.

 

Murder He Wrote – Less Appalling Forms of Murder

They’re magically delicious. Oops! That’s Lucky Charms.

1. Murdering musician Herb Alpert: Herbicide
2. Murdering TV host Pat Sajak: P_tr_c_de
3. When you really mean to throw away your old mattress, but you accidentally kill your mother instead: Mattress-cide
4. When you want to end it all to be with Jim Morrison: Break on Through to the Othercide

4.5 When you kill Raymond Burr: Ironcide
4.8 When you cause Cy Durr’s hard apple cider poisoning: Cy Durr’s Cidercide

5. When you refuse to have your salad dressings brought separately: On the Sidecide
6. When Geno from the pizzeria really pisses you off: Genocide

This killer list was inspired by Crunch Berries – the psychoactive substance in Captain Crunch cereal

Earth’s Tourism Board Presents: Reasons for Visiting Earth

1. We’re a Class M planet. Always had oxygen. Always will. I’m looking at you Venus.
2. We pick up our garbage once a week and then bury it. Try getting that done on Neptune.
3. All our rings can fit on a finger. Listening Saturn
4. All our belts are custom fit. Take that Asteroid Belt.
4.5 We’ve dealt with our little “reptile problem.”
5. We’ve got Beatle music, 7-Layer dips and Steve Martin.
6. Almost all our steel is stainless – you couldn’t stain it even if you wanted to.
7. Our pajamas…Flame retardant. Light my fire baby, but not my PJ’s
8. Our people…Not so retardant proof, but we make up for it with 31 flavors of ice cream
9. We reproduce the fun way. None of this dainty dropping of seeds or gentle releasing of spores.
10. We have Mr. Pibb…and we’re working on a Mrs. Pibb if that lazy Dr. Pepper ever gets off his bubbly ass to help.
11. No one on Earth ever pays MSRP, so it’s fun to tell everybody about the screaming deal you got.
12. And finally and most importantly, the truth doesn’t require your approval.

Little Known Associations, Trade Groups and Organizations

  1. Imaginary Friends Support Group – It’s not who you know, but who you think you know
  2. Massagynist Anonymous – Support group for men who rub women the wrong way
  3. Leaf Blower Awareness Association – Just in case you weren’t aware enough
  4. Alcoholics Specifically Named – Life is too short for anonymity. Go public or go home.
  5. American Fart Association – This group stinks. However it’s very popular with 6-year olds
  6. The Why Are We Always 6th on the List Support Group – So predictable
  7. The Because We’re 7th On the List Support Group – So after the fact
  8. PTSD – Pre Traumatic Stress Disorder support group for worriers who are traumatized by things that haven’t happened yet
  9. 9¾-Step Recovery Program – For people who simply don’t have the time for a 12-step recovery program or just really like Harry Potter
  10. Agoraphobic Hermits LTD – This group pretty much keeps to itself. No meetings, no roster, no nothing. “Minding our own business” is their rallying cry.
  11. The Useless Thoughts and Prayers Support Group – This group really tries to be sincere
  12. Dealing with Real Depression – A self-help group for people who live below sea level
  13. The Club for Trying to Read the Tattoos on Black People – I think they’re getting ripped off. Maybe artists should use white ink
  14. Adventurers Who Plan to Conquer the North and South Pole – It’s the new bipolar
  15. Polar Bears Who Go Both Ways – It’s the even newer bipolar
  16. LGBTQ? with ADHD – Support group for people of letters – many letters
  17. Undereaters Anonymous – Not an organized group, but comprises about 25% of the world nonetheless
  18. The Alliance to Prevent Total Eclipses of the Heart – Only Bonnie Tyler is eligible

Fruit Noir: Stories from the Delinquent Produce Series

  1. Fallen Apple: A Story of Utmost Gravity
  2. The Thin-skinned Tomato: The Case of the Saucy Wench
  3. When Bananas Go Black: “Dear God. Now My Only Future is Banana Bread.”
  4. The Case of the Puckered Plum: He’s All Ready to Be Kissed, But Now He’s Too Old
  5. Cherries in the Pits: Gasoline Alley is Their Redemption (yes, those pits)
  6. When Oranges Get Moldy: How Their Death Gave the World Penicillin
  7. When Peaches Go Soft: Another Way to Feel a Warm, Soft Fuzzy
  8. Where Do We Find Mangoes? Wherever Wo’man goes’
  9. I Don’t Give a Fig: Lack of Compassion in a Ficus carica tree Comes Back to Haunt It
  10. I Know What the Dried-up, Deformed Lemon Behind the Refrigerator Did Last Summer
  11. The Case of Barry Buried Because of Beri-Beri: Shoulda Eaten Berries
  12. Sour Grapes: I Know I Could’ve Written a Much Funnier List, I Just Didn’t Want Too

Highly Specific (and possibly dubious) Charities

  1. The Autobahn Society – A German charity for drivers who like to fly down the road. Not to be confused with the Audubon Society which is for the birds
  2. SPCA – The Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Airheads. Even idiots deserve protection.
  3. Make-a-Fish Foundation – This charity enables critically ill fish to fulfill a lifelong dream before going belly up
  4. Ain’t No Mountain High Enough – The Polish Tourism Board’s initiative to relocate Mt. Everest to Warsaw. As they say: “Together we can move mountains.”

    They say charity begins at home – usually online and with a credit card.

  5. The Alfred J Hitchcock Attic Fund – A Ghoulish Fundraiser to Exhume, Taxidermy and Display the Body of Anthony Perkins (star of Psycho) in a cobwebby attic
  6. Habitat for Profanity – This charity builds soundproof housing for potty mouth residents
  7. Doctors Without Bladders – This group is the best on the continent and also incontinent
  8. Cereal Huggers of America – Combats Big Farma’s evil practice of growing wheat just to slaughter it in annual genocidal harvests
  9. Friends of Bringing in the Sheaves – This Charity Group hopes to install “Bringing in the Sheaves” as America’s National Anthem
  10. Bröders Without Borders – German familial organization promoting the unrestricted travel of German brothers
  11. PETAC – People for the Ethical Treatment of Animal Crackers. They’re in the process of combining with Cereal Huggers of America
  12. The Endowment for People Who’d Like to be Better Endowed – Seeks donations from people with really big endowments
  13. The Pew Charitable Trust – Pew, they stink. It is advised you stay upwind from these very effective do-gooders. Best to donate online.
  14. The Salvation Navy – At Xmas, instead of ringing a bell, they blow a foghorn
  15. NAACP for Chocolatiers – The National Association for the Advancement of Chocolate People is a charity designed to prevent discrimination against artisan chocolate makers
  16. A Fund to Make Echoes Last Longer – I said, a Fund to Make Echoes Last Longer. I said, a Fund to Make Echoes Last Longer.

 

All new Amazon plants to be built from wood. I guess that makes them plant based plants.

 

Reasons Why People Choose to be Euthanized

The Topic is Dark, But in an Upbeat, Dark Chocolate Kinda Way

Reasons Why People Choose to be Euthanized

  1. They now find that when one door closes, another 2 doors also close
  2. Try as they might, whenever life gives them lemons, all they can make is urine
  3. Nut milks not delivering on their promise
  4. HHDS (Hogan’s Heroes Derangement Syndrome). Ever since Hogan’s Heroes was summarily cancelled (without explanation) in 1971, hundreds of post-adolescent men have suffered from this late onset syndrome. I know I do.

Reset: Reasons People Choose to be Euthanized

  1. One of their personalities gets a Restraining Order on the other
  2. Their self-driving car goes out on rides without them
  3. They’re convinced those cyber bitches Alexa and Siri are scheming against them
  4. No one is impressed any more by your “State Quarter” collection. And then you discover they weren’t impressed by it in the first place.
  5. Toaster doesn’t care where you set the Darkness dial. It pops up after it thinks it’s done
  6. You just spotted your so-called Psychiatrist washing dishes at the Waffle House
  7. Every time you get to the front of the line, everyone turns 180° around and says, “Sorry Charlie, you’re at the back now?”
  8. You can no longer find Rita Moreno’s 1980 Pepsodent commercial on YouTube
  9. The endless frustration of being unable to turn raisins back into grapes
  10. Did you know that Euthanasia outnumber youth in Europe?
  11. Your self-deprecating humor now hitting too close to home
  12. Your shadow is now acting independently of your movements
  13. That Aha video “Take On Me” no longer brings you the joy it once did. In fact it’s scary as hell now.
  14. Some people euthanize preemptively because they think they’ve learned all they can from this incarnation and just want to get on with the next one

Virtue Signaling Tweets Gone Wrong: Man at His Oblivious Best

  1. I stand with all paraplegics
  2. Freedom is not dom, it just sounds that way
  3. Beavers Lives Matter #JerryMathersMatters
  4. I deeply care about things in an abstract, non-participatory sense
  5. I’m passionate about slacktivism and clicktivism
  6. If I knew what disingenuous meant, I guess I’d be angry
  7. I donate money to many causes anonymously. Here’s a list.
  8. I have high moral values…in public
  9. I’m just a humble narcissist expressing his false modesty

A List of Half-Baked Ideas Written By a Half-Wit, Making Them Only ¼ Ideas

  1. I’m just a humble narcissist suffering from false modesty
  2. Most appropriate song in the Ukraine: Crimea River
  3. Warning to Anna Phylactic: The enclosed Ideas were written on equipment used in processing tree nuts
  4. Henceforth all cities are forbidden to change their names. Listening Peking, Bombay, Kiev? Nobody needed to learn Beijing, Mumbai or Kyiv. Heck, I still call New York City, New Amsterdam. Sometimes I even refer to North America as Terra Incognita or simply the New World, but I’m an old soul. And you too P Diddy or whatever is the latest iteration of your name. You will always be Sean Combs. It’s bad enough your first name doesn’t have an “h” in it.

    I love my kitty. This picture has nothing to do with this list. I just love my kitty and I don’t care who knows.

  5. You’d think the UCS (Union of Concerned Scientists) would have greater interest in this list. They don’t. These so called “Concerned Scientists” could care less. Hypocritical bastards.
  6. If you don’t like this list, don’t humor me with that, “It’s not you, it’s the font” malarkey
  7. My dog thinks these ideas are too clever by arf.
  8. If when reading this list you experience dangerous waves of laughter, stop reading and dial 911…and please listen carefully because some of their menu options have changed
  9. #9 removed by the Union of Concerned Scientist because they were concerned it was “too funny” and would lead to #8. Oh sure, I’m at my funniest and suddenly they’re all concerned.
  10. #10 removed by the humanitarian organization Doctors Without Bladders. Well they can piss off.
  11. My yogurt has had its acidophilus and bulgaricus culture removed by woke vegans. Just another example of cancel culture.
  12. The Cyrillic Alphabet is hard enough, but the symbols ¥ĭŋŧŧƌƣǣȝȾɏɖɖ will lead you to Rune
  13. What makes us human? Well we’re the only species to look at our Q-Tips or Kleenex after we’ve used them
  14. I’m more aware of your pancreas than you think
  15. When is it appropriate to donate something to Goodwill? For example, I have things hanging in my closet I haven’t worn in over a year: a really ugly vest and a couple of raccoons I found guilty of treason. Do I just give them away?

 

Note to Readers: David Hardiman is a multi-adaptive platform, replete with a suite of tools designed to create user-friendly content. He now refers to himself as the symbol “Ɵ.”

Hello again everyone. I am Ɵ (the multi-adaptive platform, replete with a suite of tools designed to create user-friendly content formerly known as David Hardiman). Glad to of made your acquaintance. No. That should have read: Glad to have made your acquaintance. Maybe it is the font after all.

 

Peace and Love,

Ringo