Posts Tagged ‘list’

1. He pronounces the “b” in dumb
2. He looks at the end of your finger when you point
3. He pronounces the “L” in Christmas even though there is no “L” in Christmas. I mean there is Noel in Christmas, it’s just that there’s no “L” in Christmas.
4. He thought the Bureau of Veterans’ Affairs was created to help servicemen cheat on their spouses.
5. He thinks the Surgeon General overreached when he warned against smoking cigarettes. He believes there’s no way cigarettes could cause all that coffin.
6. That sometimes he was, just whistlin’ Dixie
7. He thinks that if you press the Ctrl+Alt+Undo buttons, Microsoft Word will remove the last 10 minutes of your life
8. He adopted an all-office supply diet; where paper clips and sticky-notes were his staples
9. He spends time devising lists about imaginary dumb people. Hey, wait a minute…

1. If I Swallow Him Whole, Can My Teacup Chihuahua Survive a Trip Through My Intestines? – Find Out the Surprising Answer.
2. I Wish My Deaf Friends Would Believe Me When I Say It’s Good to Hear from Them.
3. I’ve Stuck My Tongue to a Frozen Pole. Should I Just Go About My Business? – Discover the Surprising Answer.
4. They Say You Sound Just Like an Owl. “Who?”
5. Should I Worry About the Tinsel in My Stool? – Find Out the Surprising Answer.
6. Can You Breathe Easy Now That You’re a Lung Donor? – Find Out the Inspiring Answer.
7. Mike Pence has Asked Your Wife to Lunch. Should You Worry?
8. An Alderman has Parked a Bulldozer on your Foot. Should You Say Something? Find Out the Surprising Answer.
9. So You’re Starting to Think Maybe Hitler had a Point. Should You kill Yourself? – “Yup!”
10. We Taste Test the New Embalming Fluids. Find out What Body Part They Made Stiff.
11. Does Peppermint Bark Come from Trees? Find Out the Surprising Answer.

Whatever You Do Don’t Tell Anyone, But I’m Beginning to Think that the Only Conspiracy, is that There’s No Conspiracy.

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And Finally.

Allow me to quote little dogs everywhere when I say to you:

“Yappy New Year. Yappy, Yappy New Year Everybody, Everywhere.”

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Instances of Corporate Downsizing Due to Budgetary Constraints

1. The Acme Toupee Company, will now cover only 60% of your bald spot – Talk about pulling the rug out from under you!
2. Instead of providing “temporary relief of minor pain,” Tylenol now offers only “possible relief of fleeting discomfort”
3. Due to cuts in the Cutting Department, Southwest Airlines is no longer providing the “starter tear” on their airborne snack pretzels. “Fliers can use their teeth if they want to tear into their free lunch,” explained Southwest CFO Phillip Dingleberry. “This will save us .0004¢ per package and about $800K in workmen’s compensation claims.”
4. The non-binary community has requested the Nabisco Co. to make their Cheez-Its even less specific. Henceforth they’d like them to be called Cheez-Thems.
5. Due to supply chain issues, Nestlé’s $100,000 Bars have been downsized to $36,782 Bars
6. To reflect a budget shortfall and the consequent reduction of its amiability factor, Friendly Ice Cream is changing its name to Cordial Ice Cream. “It’s just where we’re at right now,” said its once ebullient, but now stoic CEO Cale Griswold. “When we regain our sociable mojo, we might become Friendly Ice Cream again. Till then all we can manage is to be Cordial.”
7. The Good Humor Man is now known as That Mildly Amusing Guy
8. As its business prospects have narrowed, General Motors has renamed itself Highly Specific Motors.
9. Coke Zero is now so unpopular, it’s known as Coke -3
10. Some streaming services are now barely dripping
11. As an aside: Have you ever noticed, that except for us, everyone else is so stupid?
12. Tide Detergent used to be advertised as “New & Improved.” Now it’s blandly soft-sold as being “Recent & Identical”
13. Ben & Jerry’s has shortened their name and tagline to: “BJs Really Satisfy”

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Poverty Stricken Exotic Bird Dealers Lament

1. We were poor. We couldn’t afford a toucan. We could only afford a onecan. Heck, my uncle can only afford a pecan.
Architecturally Destitute Home Buyers Lament
2. We couldn’t afford a Tudor. So we bought a Onedoor.
Poor Impatient Persons Lament
3. I can’t afford to wait for a second – only for a nanosecond. I guess time really is money.

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Other Things People Can’t Afford

1. Penny pinching opera mavens can no longer afford The Three Penny Opera. So they switched to The Two Penny Opera with fewer arias. No one seems to mind.
2. Military strategists couldn’t afford to fortify their position, so they shoddily threetified them
3. A car buyer in Waterford couldn’t afford a Ford, so he bought a Third
4. A car buyer in Norway couldn’t affjord a Fjord, so he bought a Thjird
5. Cindy Crawford couldn’t afford plastic surgery, so she kept her pigtails really, really tight

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Piss Poor – This is an actual state of penury whereby one was so poor they were reduced to selling their urine to a tanner, who could productively use the fluid in processing hides. True.

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Malnutrition in Mendicants
1. They couldn’t afford Hamburger Helper. They could only afford Helper
2. Still others couldn’t afford Helper. They could only afford to listen to the Beatles Help!
3. The natives lacked food. They referred to their diet as a die it
4. I don’t want to say they were poor. Let’s just call them resourceful. I mean they had a cookbook of cuticle recipes

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And that’s my poor attempt at enriching the world with humor. I mean to be the good humor man, but sometimes I’m just that mildly amusing guy.

 

The Rejected Bits

1. Head & Shoulders now advises shampooers to just: Rinse and Repeat. They’re skipping the lather instruction altogether because their bottles don’t contain any shampoo.
2. Hard times for brothels. Because too many prostitutes have been getting stiffed (so to speak), they’re no longer willing to go all the way. Instead, they’ll get you half-off.
3. The once formidable 3M Company has been reduced to the 2m Company

1. The Museum of Things that Look Much Better from a Distance – A place for 2^nd rate art that shouldn’t be looked at too closely
2. The Museum of Silverware That’s Been Accidentally Scarred in a Garbage Disposal – The telltale marks on this battle-weary silverware are both savage and beautiful. Some are arranged in neat trays, while others are starkly scattered on butcher block tables.
3. House of Melted Wax Museum – See big buckets of melted wax that could’ve been a famous person if it was hardened properly. Much like radio did, this museum forces you to use your imagination to envision Beyonce in a 10-gal pail of beige wax.
4. Museum of Uninterpretable Objects – It’s all there. Chicken wire nailed to a cross. A ceramic cat giving birth to porcelain kittens. An endless loop of a man screaming, “Silence!” You’ll leave thinking, “Am I missing something?” And then you’ll realize “Yes, I am missing something – the $65 admission fee.”
5. The Museum of Amnesia – It’s all there. Oh wait. Well, it was all there. Fodor’s Travel Guide raves about the place: “The Museum of Amnesia is an unforgettable experience.”
6. The Museum of Female Butchery – Once thought to be the exclusive domain of males, caring female butchers can make a slaughterhouse a slaughterhome, with a few throw pillows here and a splash of blood there. They bring humor to the profession. Female butchers can be such cut-ups.

Break for a seasonal Egg Nog or just Nog if you’re vegan

7. Museum of Things You’ll Never Be Able to Unsee – Grandma Moses pole dancing, a kangaroo dressed like Truman Capote, a hologram of Tupac Shakur scrapbooking. It’s enough to take the wind out of any one’s sails. Allow 4 hours (just to recover).
8. Museum of What May Be the Severed Tip of Vincent Van Gogh’s Ear – Supposedly found amongst some of his canvasses in 1892, it’s provenance is questionable especially considering the ear is embossed: “Made in Indonesia”
9. The Museum of Negative Space – It fills a great artistic void…with a whole lotta nuthin’. As empty experiences go, it’s one of the most fulfilling. 

Break for a cerebral-cleansing Christmas cookie

10. The Museum of the Other Side – This museum dedicates itself to what the backs, bottom and other sides of artworks look like. See Mona Lisa from behind with her barely discernible curls delicately playing on her raven hair. Witness Warhol’s Soup Cans from the bottom where you can see their expiration dates. And ogle Whistler’s Mother’s other profile.
11. The Museum of One Million Desiccated Packets – It is highly advised you moisturize before going. It’s a very unemotional museum. There’s always a dry eye in the house.
12. Museum of Orphaned Unicorns – It’s very difficult to locate. Many believe it’s, somewhere over the rainbow.

Break for a drink. “What can I get started for you?”

13. The Museum of Modern Contemporary Nowness – This museum is fabulously current. A favorite of the “Be here now” set.
14. The Museum of What Perishable Food Items Look Like After 5 Days in the Sun – It’s all there: Meat, Cheese and Leftovers. For plant positive people there’s a vegan wing.
15. The Museum of What the World Would Be Like if There Weren’t Pumpkins – A deep dive into a pumpkin-less world of Halloween Jack-O-Rutabagas. Come and experience the ubiquity of everything flavored with seasonal Gourd Spice. One visit and you’ll be scared straight. Straight to a nearby pumpkin patch.
16. The Museum of It’s 4 in the Morning and I Can’t Sleep So I’m Making this List – I’m checking it twice. I’m going to find out…

 

The Rejects…They Didn’t Pass the Mustard or pass muster…Now you can witness my creative process/editing

24. The Museum of Unnecessary Differentiation – aka MUD, like all museums this museum displays objects that look different from each other and serve no useful purpose. Surprise!

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#547 The proper way to peel a banana is from the bottom up. Try it on your next banana, you’ll thank me.

#548 Kids, stay in school

#549 I brought my Dust Bunny to the vet. He blew me off and now my Dust Bunny is no more (I know, not really a Life Hack, but it’s funny) 

#550 Repetition is important…Kids, stay in school

#550 Pay attention. Sometimes things are double numbered

#551 Kids, if you get a job paying $30 an hour or more, quit school

#552 Don’t spend more than an hour a day in your attic (This applies to kids too)

#553 Don’t spend too much time in your basement. Especially if you don’t have a basement.

#554 It’s OK to spend more than an hour a day in your attic, if you can get a job paying you $30 an hour to stay in your attic.

#555 Kids, overall, it’s probably best to stay on the 1^st or 2^nd floor

#556 It’s fun to say, “These youngsters from Liverpool, who call themselves the Beatles.”

#557 It’s now considered environmentally friendly to bury a dearly departed in a crawl space or butler’s pantry

#558 If you have braces, avoid sticking your tongue into a light socket.

#559 In fact, just generally, avoid sticking any body part into a light socket

#560 Almost all podcasts are just unstructured, stupid conversations that prior to the Internet Age were referred to as, “Aah, we were just shootin’ the sh*t.”

#561 It’s just this way…until it’s not this way, and yours is not to worry or try to overtly control it

1. The Titanic – And now they can’t recall it. Let that sink in.
2. Disappearing Ink – By the time anyone’s figured out there’s a problem, it’s already vanished
3. Shakespeare Quotes – I don’t even know how you’d recall a quote. I mean I don’t recall any of his quotes.
4. Caskets – If there’s a problem with a casket, the manufacturer just tries to bury it.
5. Auto-Dialer Phones – As I recall, I don’t recall a recaller being recalled
6. The Bean Layer of a 7-layer Dip – Who’s going to remove the bean layer? And then who’s going to buy a beanless 6-layer dip? I’ll tell you who – Dip-sh*ts.
7. Viagra – This product malfunction rarely comes up – so to speak
8. This List – You can’t unsee it. Plus, it’s way too funny to be recalled. Usually it’s shared and goes rival. I mean larval. I mean viral.

On the Menu Tonight:

The AppePfizer (brought to you by Pfizer Pharmaceuticals – a druggy division of Milton-Bradley) 

1. That I was once accused of trafficking in counterfeit stallion teeth. Neigh. Tis not true. I got them straight from the horses’ mouth.
2. That I was never able to get either foot all the way into my mouth. And yet people said I managed to do this regularly – whenever I spoke.
3. That my company selling erectile dysfunction drugs went out of business. Why? The competition was too stiff.
4. That I never met Helen Reddy’s Dingo – and now it’s too late. Fun Fact: Ringo had a Dingo named Bingo. He spelled it B-i-n-go, B-i-n-g-o, B-i-n-g-o and Bingo was his name.
5. That what I thought was an authentic Sharon Stone pubic hair (purchased and verified on eBay), turned out to belong to Wanda Sykes.
6. That when I shook the Pope’s hand with a joy buzzer, his Swiss Guard roughed me up.

1. That most restaurants refuse to seat me when I enter with my service ostrich. But it’s OK for Mr. Aristocrat to come in with a handkerchief full of bugers in his pocket.
2. Finding out I had 2 days to live after purchasing green bananas
3. That my hefty investment in the Used Casket business, never got off the ground – in fact it never even got out of the ground
4. That even though I knew it was true, I could never prove Toni Tennile based Muskrat Sam on me. Screw you Darryl.
5. That my fanny crack is horizontal. Very awkward, unless you’re in Japan where its buttocks as usual.

The Entrée 

1. That after attending a Reba McEntire concert, I found out later, I was facing the wrong way

Dessert

1. That Jada Pinkett sent back the toupee I sent her. And then Wil Smith slapped me with a slander suit.

Yes. Gratitude. I’d like to take a moment to bestow gratitude upon the following:

1. Second Responders – They get no credit at all – in fact I don’t even know who they are.
2. All my Facebook friends – Well, almost all of them
3. The Waltons – Especially John Boy and that cute Mary Ellen
4. Tiny Tim – The Dickens’ one and not the goofy one who tiptoed thru the tulips
5. Mother Teresa – Set such a quiet example of easy selflessness

In fact, let’s be thankful every day, all year. Not in an overly pious way, just in an “it’s cool to be alive” way.

And, most importantly, may God grant me the serenity & wisdom to understand my 14 streaming services: 4 of which I think I pay for, 5 which might be free or cost $38 each, 1 of which I access via a subdural chip they implanted on my person, against my will (part of my court-ordered probation) and the other 4 that all have pluses (+) at the end of them.

Yes. A Happy Thanksgiving to one and all!

Have yourself a merry little tryptophan-ic turkey day

1. Womanicotti – It’s much curvier than Manicotti, and more considerate too
2. Tonytoni – A street-smart pasta, shaped like Tony Danza
3. Buttaroni – A favorite of the Kardashians
4. Angel Nose Pasta – As you can well imagine, it smells heavenly
5. Bolo Tie Pasta – Far from Farfalle, it’s popular with cowboys
6. Knocky – Not Gnocchi, but similar
7. Cavatelli Savalas – Shaped like Kojak’s chrome dome
8. Testicallini – Usually served in pairs
9. Spaghetti F’s – If you liked Spaghetti O’s, you’ll love Spaghetti F’s. They are F’n good
10. Vomitcelli – This pasta often comes-up in conversation, and in actuality too
11. Microroni – Macaroni’s tiny little brother.

Buon Appetito Everyone!

 

Omitted

1. Lunguine – We can all breathe a little easier with this pasta shape
2. Service Dog Pasta – The world weary draw nutritional and emotional support while chowing down on pasta in the shape of service dogs
3. Angel Hair – A classic
4. Angel Pubic Hair – A curlicue classic. Did you know, that every time someone starts a podcast, an angel loses their pubic hair
5. Crazo – If you like Orzo you’ll love this looney tunes pasta
6. Crackatini –Not trying to be cheeky here, butt they’re Derriere-licious.
7. Scrotatelli – Much like ravioli, a pillowy pouch suitable for stuffing with meat or cheese
8. Tamponelli – People seem to use it about the same time each month.
9. Groinacolli – Favorite pasta of crotchety old men
10. Spermacetti – Make up your own joke (there’s only 5000)

 

1. Split Pea with Hamlet – To eat or not to eat. That, is the question.
2. Italian-Style Divorcing Soup – A bookend to Italian-Style Wedding Soup. These soups satisfy whether you’re coming or going.
3. Gayspacho – Made with same sex tomatoes. They say once you try it, you’ll never go back…to another soup that is.
4. Chicken Dumbo – One part chicken, one part elephant. I don’t think it’ll ever fly. Kinda ear-rie actually.
5. Greek Alphabet Soup – It’s great. From the Alpha to the Omega.
6. Egyptian Hieroglyph Soup – If you love sideways falcons, symbolic ankhs and more amulets than a box of Lucky Charms, you’ll love this Pharaonic soup. And if you don’t like Egyptian soup, well then Tut Tut.
7. Viciousoise – Not to be confused with Vichyssoise, Viciousoise is a cold and cruel potato soup
8. Cram Chowder – An Asian version of Clam Chowder
9. Tripe Bisque – Most people can’t stomach it
10. Maxistrone – Minestrone on steroids
11. Kit-n-Caboodle Noodle Soup – Oodles of noodles in Kit-n-Caboodle.

Toodles!

 

Omitted

• LGBTQ Alphabet Soup – It’s great. From L to Q. Can’t spell BLT w/o it