Posts Tagged ‘costco’

Big Box ideas for a small-minded world.

In response to ever-fragmenting consumer markets, Costco has opened a new kind of warehouse shopping experience in the Deep South that caters discreetly to a certain unnamed, but plainly obvious demographic group. The stores’ name hints at its target market – J Crow. Membership is open to everyone, but due to complicated membership rules, it’s very difficult for “certain groups of people” to gain access to the store. The fact that J Crow has a Membership Suppression Department speaks volumes.  

J Crow is marketed as “A haven for Southerners with discriminating tastes – very discriminating tastes.” And the store has proven highly popular with its target audience. In fact, States’ Rights magazine voted J Crow the most popular warehouse store in the entire Confederacy.

This neo-Costco store features products we’re all familiar with, but have been rebranded to make them more appealing to this underserved group. A list of products catering to this unique demographic appear below:

1. KKKleenex – Comes in any color you want as long as it’s white. There are no racial issues with these facial tissues.
2. Jimmy Crow’s Pure Pork Sausage – You know it’s bad at every level, but somehow you just can’t resist it
3. Santa: Our Albino Christian Gift Giver – On sale now in the revisionist Christmas book section
4. Breyer’s All-White Neapolitan Ice Cream – The 3 flavors you love in one soothing color
5. Kellogg’s “Special KKK Cereal” – The cereal is not made from amber waves of grain, but from ample grains of bleached wheat
6. Southern Crackers – Are you kidding me? These saltines practically fly off the shelves.
7. Bigoted Playing Cards – Because sometimes you just want to play the race card
8. Crayola “Whiter Shade of Pale” Crayons – Box of 36 off-white colors including: Bone, Pearl Mist, Eggshell and Honky
9. All White M&M’s – Easily tolerated, diversity-proof snack where even the chocolate is white
10. Set of 8 Hot Wheels Race Cars – Each Hot Wheels race car is supposedly separate and equal, but guess which race always wins?
11. Cool Whip – No change to its pure, lily-white formula. It’s non-dairy and non-threatening
12. KKKrispy KKKreme Donuts – Southern fried, with Southern pride. No shortage of shortening here. In fact there’s a longage of shortening. Some say these empty-calorie donuts make the Deep South seem shallow. Very confusing, but very tasty.

Kirkland Corp. (Costco’s parent company) will be keeping a very biased eye on this new marketing  venture designed for people with discriminating tastes – very discriminating tastes. Kirkland Corp. hopes this endeavor will allow for other specialty warehouse themes appropriate to its locality. A few ideas floated include sombrero-shaped Costco’s in Mexico, pyramid-shaped Costco’s in Egypt and a Great Wall of Costco’s in China. These are just a few examples of Costco’s Big Box, out-of-the-box ideas.

1. 

   Costco: A bulwark against consumer timidity. You know you love us.

   Whirlpool Water Hardener: Who wants soft water when these days you need all the minerals you can get. So what if your hair is always sudsy.

2. An actual size Map of the United States in 1:1 scale. A must when 100% accuracy is required. Folds neatly and fits into most any airplane hangar. Also comes in a thin sponge version you can soak in water to expand.
3. 12-pak Brunswick Bowling Balls: Makes a great stocking stuffer…if your stocking is made of tungsten-carbide chainmail. Possibly the last bowling ball 12-pak you’ll ever buy…and probably the only one too.
4. 5 gallon drum Visine Eye Drops: Comes with matching eye-drop cozy. “Visine. It gets the Red out.” Very popular in the dispensary community.
5. $500,000 Applebee’s gift card for $499,900 – a $100 savings! Note: Card expires 3 months after purchase.
6. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Plutonium: Try our trendy new Plutonium substitute and you won’t be able to tell the difference either. Comes with a lead codpiece.
7. Fresh from our in-store bakery: Above ground pool-sized Apple Pie. This economical deep dish pie comes in 1, 2 and 3 foot depths.
8. Drive-thru Artificial Insemination. Choose from a variety of heirloom quality baby batters. Complimentary turkey baster is yours to keep. Returns not allowed on this product.
9. 42 gallon barrel of Embalming Fluid. Don’t be caught short this season.
10. Gucci Shoe Lifts: Don’t be caught short.
11. Guccione’s Penis Elongater: Don’t be caught short.
12. Black & Decker’s Burglary Tools for Dwarfs: Don’t be caught short.
13. Hane’s Long Johns: Don’t be caught short.
14. Don’t Be Caught Short: A fun new board game from Milton Bradley.
15. 35 lb. lifetime supply of Fleischman’s Dry Active Yeast. It’s dry and active – like an Alcoholics Anonymous member who exercises regularly.
16. Drive-thru Cremation for Pets. Pet must “no longer be with us.” Use your Frequent Cremators Card and get the 3^rd pet incinerated for free. Your choice of cinder granulation: Smooth or Crunchy. Tupperware Urn included.
17. Lifetime supply of Flintstone Vitamins. Note: This is a lifetime supply if your life were to end in 60 days.
18. Bariatric Surgery. Must weigh at least 450 lbs. naked, however clothing is greatly preferred.
19. Kirkland’s 13-foot Sub for $1.50. A highly versatile sandwich. You can eat it or operate the sub underwater.
20. Assisted Suicide Kit. Possibly the last assisted suicide kit you’ll ever have to buy. For obvious reasons, financing is not available. Guaranteed results otherwise we send over a guy named Vinnie to finish the job.
21. Book: TSA Frisking for Dummies. Frisk anyone without offending them. Or, if they want to be offended, learn that too. You’ll start by frisking yourself, then your pets and eventually you’ll graduate to the Air Fargo Passenger Hangar in North Dakota.
22. 88 lb. family-sized Wetzel Pretzel. This novelty pretzel comes with 6 lbs. of yellow mustard and a pretzel dolly for transport.
23. Give your kidneys a break with a Hasbro’s Personal Dialysis Your kidneys work hard 24/7. Why not giv’em a little vacation and let someone else do the blood filtering. Comes in regular or menthol for those who prefer minty fresh hemoglobin. May bundle with Mattel’s Go Anywhere Ventilator^© for even greater savings. Why should you have to do all the breathing all the time?
24. 45-pak Gillette Moustache Combs. These handy little combs can be used in grooming any number of bodily areas featuring short curly hair.
25. Space Tourism at down to earth prices. For $1,000,000 reserve a seat on an Elon Musk Space-X Rocket that takes you to the moon and back. Experience weightlessness while dining on Gordon Ramsey’s out-of-this-world cuisine. Note: $25 surcharge per bag (even when it’s weightless). May upgrade to a full space suit instead of just breathing from the little margarine cup mask that drops down once you leave earth’s orbit. Kosher meals available. Must be able to pass a zero-gravity bathroom activity test.
26. One metric ton Chex Party Mix. It’s the last metric ton of snacks you’ll ever have to buy – and probably the only one too. Great for bomb shelters and other apocalyptic living spaces.
27. Pallet of Trident Chewing Gum forklifted directly from our warehouse to your garage. Make great stocking stuffers…if for some reason you have to stuff 48 million stockings.