Posts Tagged ‘products’
Whirlpool Water Hardener: Who wants soft water when these days you need all the minerals you can get. So what if your hair is always sudsy.
- An actual size Map of the United States in 1:1 scale. A must when 100% accuracy is required. Folds neatly and fits into most any airplane hangar. Also comes in a thin sponge version you can soak in water to expand.
- 12-pak Brunswick Bowling Balls: Makes a great stocking stuffer…if your stocking is made of tungsten-carbide chainmail. Possibly the last bowling ball 12-pak you’ll ever buy…and probably the only one too.
- 5 gallon drum Visine Eye Drops: Comes with matching eye-drop cozy. “Visine. It gets the Red out.” Very popular in the dispensary community.
- $500,000 Applebee’s gift card for $499,900 – a $100 savings! Note: Card expires 3 months after purchase.
- I Can’t Believe It’s Not Plutonium: Try our trendy new Plutonium substitute and you won’t be able to tell the difference either. Comes with a lead codpiece.
- Fresh from our in-store bakery: Above ground pool-sized Apple Pie. This economical deep dish pie comes in 1, 2 and 3 foot depths.
- Drive-thru Artificial Insemination. Choose from a variety of heirloom quality baby batters. Complimentary turkey baster is yours to keep. Returns not allowed on this product.
- 42 gallon barrel of Embalming Fluid. Don’t be caught short this season.
- Gucci Shoe Lifts: Don’t be caught short.
- Guccione’s Penis Elongater: Don’t be caught short.
- Black & Decker’s Burglary Tools for Dwarfs: Don’t be caught short.
- Hane’s Long Johns: Don’t be caught short.
- Don’t Be Caught Short: A fun new board game from Milton Bradley.
- 35 lb. lifetime supply of Fleischman’s Dry Active Yeast. It’s dry and active – like an Alcoholics Anonymous member who exercises regularly.
- Drive-thru Cremation for Pets. Pet must “no longer be with us.” Use your Frequent Cremators Card and get the 3rd pet incinerated for free. Your choice of cinder granulation: Smooth or Crunchy. Tupperware Urn included.
- Lifetime supply of Flintstone Vitamins. Note: This is a lifetime supply if your life were to end in 60 days.
- Bariatric Surgery. Must weigh at least 450 lbs. naked, however clothing is greatly preferred.
- Kirkland’s 13-foot Sub for $1.50. A highly versatile sandwich. You can eat it or operate the sub underwater.
- Assisted Suicide Kit. Possibly the last assisted suicide kit you’ll ever have to buy. For obvious reasons, financing is not available. Guaranteed results otherwise we send over a guy named Vinnie to finish the job.
- Book: TSA Frisking for Dummies. Frisk anyone without offending them. Or, if they want to be offended, learn that too. You’ll start by frisking yourself, then your pets and eventually you’ll graduate to the Air Fargo Passenger Hangar in North Dakota.
- 88 lb. family-sized Wetzel Pretzel. This novelty pretzel comes with 6 lbs. of yellow mustard and a pretzel dolly for transport.
- Give your kidneys a break with a Hasbro’s Personal Dialysis Your kidneys work hard 24/7. Why not giv’em a little vacation and let someone else do the blood filtering. Comes in regular or menthol for those who prefer minty fresh hemoglobin. May bundle with Mattel’s Go Anywhere Ventilator© for even greater savings. Why should you have to do all the breathing all the time?
- 45-pak Gillette Moustache Combs. These handy little combs can be used in grooming any number of bodily areas featuring short curly hair.
- Space Tourism at down to earth prices. For $1,000,000 reserve a seat on an Elon Musk Space-X Rocket that takes you to the moon and back. Experience weightlessness while dining on Gordon Ramsey’s out-of-this-world cuisine. Note: $25 surcharge per bag (even when it’s weightless). May upgrade to a full space suit instead of just breathing from the little margarine cup mask that drops down once you leave earth’s orbit. Kosher meals available. Must be able to pass a zero-gravity bathroom activity test.
- One metric ton Chex Party Mix. It’s the last metric ton of snacks you’ll ever have to buy – and probably the only one too. Great for bomb shelters and other apocalyptic living spaces.
- Pallet of Trident Chewing Gum forklifted directly from our warehouse to your garage. Make great stocking stuffers…if for some reason you have to stuff 48 million stockings.
Warning: This easily contrived list has no nutritive value and is not a substitute for a healthy, well-balanced chuckle. Prolonged exposure to this list may result in Ben Carson. Don’t ask me how, it just does. I learned that the hard way.
1. Hollow Core Oreos: For the cookie connoisseur who supports the 2nd Amendment. Tagline: Too good to share. They’ll have to pry them from your cold, dead hand.
2. SPAT: Made from the leftovers in the manufacturing process of SPAM. It’s the “pressed particle board” of canned meats. Doesn’t require refrigeration. Sealed in a thick, lustrous mammalian gel.
3. Briny’s Extra-sodium Soy Sauce: For those on a sodium-augmented diet. Ask your doctor if Briny’s Extra-sodium Soy Sauce is right for you. May cause drowsiness in sleepy people.
4. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Lymph Nodes: General Foods is at it again. This time with whatever else was left on the slaughterhouse floor. Originally marketed as Abattoir’s Sluice Treats.
5. Kraft Cheez-ernutter: Finally a pliable emulsion combining the convenience of semi-permeable Cheez Whiz with the gooey madness of marshmallow crème (whatever that is). Comes co-branded with Sara Lee’s Multi-grain Manhole Covers.
6. Brennan’s Very Dirty Rice: Made at their prison-labor plant in Typhoid Springs, Louisiana, this new take on an old favorite is popular with hospice patients and the nurses who love them.
7. Newman’s Own Nothings: A pouch of self-satisfied air consumers can feel good about purchasing; as all proceeds go to a bunch of vague do-gooders.
8. Nabisco Extra-Crispy Frackers: Freeze-dried crunchy remains of oil workers who died while fracking. Marketed under the slogan: They’re so Fracking good you’ll want to horizontally drill a loved one.
9. Yeech! : A kind of Headcheese, but made from the asses of expired zoo animals. Greenpeace assures Vegans that no plants were harmed in the making of this product.
10. Orange-Flavored Quik: Nestlé’s marketing dept. figured if America could elect an orange-flavored President, why wouldn’t at least 46% of the people want an orange-flavored milk beverage
11. Kellogg’s Unfrosted Maxi-Wheats: For the contrarian cereal eater who finds Frosted Mini-Wheats a little too cutesy.
12. Gerber’s Strained Credulity: A grained-based baby food that’s hard to believe in.