Archive for January, 2023
Best Western Hotel
420 Constitution Drive Livermore, CA 94550
Ideally situated between the Livermore Costco and Miss Fanny’s Gentleman’s Club, this Best Western Hotel is a 100% felon-free property (in all likelihood). Before graduating to a Best Western Hotel, the property began as a Good Western and then worked itself up to a Better Western Hotel before finally achieving Best Western status.
Fun Priceline Fact: If at the end of Double Jeopardy all the contestants are in negative territory, the world ends.
The following are Certified Reviews by Verified Priceline Guests:
6.0 David Hardiman of Reno, NV
Pros: Had a life-changing, boundary-dissolving experience where I transcended my body, journeyed to the Godhead and became one with the empyrean treasures of the universe.
Cons: Could’ve used more towels.
8.8 Mahatma Adams of Brookline, MA
Pros: Most of the Swastikas had been painted over.
Cons: At the breakfast bar a business man was using the waffle iron to press his tie.
3.14 Physicist Calbert Martindale of Pasadena, CA
Pros: Gravity functioned normally and, from my frame of reference, light seemed to travel at 186,000 mps
Cons: Upon arrival there was urine in the toilet.
Management‘s Response: Well, where else would you want it?
8.5 Malcolm Gulliver of Lilliput
Pros: I was unnerved by all the chalk body outlines on the floor
Cons: Bullet proof window glass came in handy a few times during our stay
8.0 Mrs. Dalai Lama – Citizen of the World
Pros: Mr. Lama had yet another boundary-dissolving experience where he transcended his body, journeyed to the Godhead and became one with the empyrean treasures of the universe. Ho-hum.
Cons: Place could use some updating. Chamber pots didn’t flush. Not enough candles and I was hoping to bump into Rita Moreno.
10 Cindy Medici of Kitty Hawk, NC
Pros: I’d give it an 11 if I could. Friendly staff helped me with my bikini wax for well over an hour. At least they said they were staff.
Cons: Omelet station chef forgot to remove the plastic wrap from the cheese in my omelet.
9.0 Meeee aaand Mrs, Mrs. Jones (the one who’s “gotta thing, goin’ on” with the singer)
Pros: Those sprinkler heads were so handy to hang clothes on.
Cons: There was a guy in our bed.
Management’s Response: We apologize for the guy. But at least we’re pretty sure he wasn’t a felon.
5.5 Eleanor Rigby of Liverpool, England
Pros: My key worked on all the rooms
Cons: The supposed Hershey’s Kiss on my pillow wasn’t wrapped. In fact it wasn’t even chocolate.
10 Sildenafil Hardman of Stratford-upon-Pfizer
Pros: I don’t know how a place can be “LGBTQ Pet Friendly,” but this place was.
Cons: Someone left their Service Turtle in the bathtub wearing its little “Please Do Not Turn Me Over” yellow vest.
10 Leni Riefenstahl of Bavaria
Pros: Lock left open on adjoining room, so we managed to sublet it for 100 Euros.
Cons: There wasn’t any hot water. In fact there was no running water. It barely walked.
Management’s Response: This is a supply chain issue.
8.0 Wally Walters of Walla Walla, WA
Pros: Rusty water was great for my anemia.
Cons: The door knobs and the remote were both sticky.
Management’s Response: We do that intentionally to promote a better grip. Yeah, that’s it.
7.0 A Real Housewife of Orange County
Pros: Easily operable dials and switches on thermostat
Cons: However there was absolutely no correlation between the room temperature and the thermostat setting. It actually seemed to do the opposite.
Management’s Response: This is pretty much standard at all hotels now.
10 Candy Apple of Syracuse, NY
Pros: Somebody left some Gummies in the nightstand
Cons: For a certified smoke-free room there sure we’re a lot of cigarette burns.
Management’s Response: That’s because the last woman who stayed in that room was smokin’.
7.0 Homer Simpson of Springfield
Pros: Everything was very well run and extremely secure
Cons: Night Manager insisted I refer to her as “Warden Kathy” and suggested maybe I’d be better off returning to my cell.
8.0 Cialis Valencia of Lilly, WI
Pros: Rabbit Ears allowed for excellent TV reception
Cons: Reflection in mirror didn’t do what I was doing.
4.0 Bernadette Cumberbatch-Humperdinck of London, England
Pros: Good value
Cons: Didn’t understand what I was consenting to when I agreed to make my own bed in order to save money. Then they gave me a hammer, a saw, some boards and nails and told me to go make my bed.
Best Western Hotel Amenities:
- Our hair dryers blow
- Our vacuums suck
- Our donuts are holy
- Our irons are ironic
- Our breakfast bar proudly serves generic oatmeal and even well-behaved Belgians
- We still send and receive Telegrams <STOP>
Happily situated just off Interstate 666, this Livermore hotel is within a 10 minute drive of 4 Urgent Care Centers, 3 Not-So-Urgent-But-Vital-Enough Care Centers, 2 We-Can-Wait-Awhile-But-Not-Too-Long Care Centers and 1 “for profit” orphanage. For hygienic free-spirits, the lobby features a communal bidet. The Fitness Center has been reimagined as a well-equipped Fatness Center where an honest chubby person can go and “get your lipids on.”
All guest rooms come with free atmosphere, gravity and hidden webcams. Guest rooms at Best Western also come with 42-inch High Definition Microwave Ovens where nothing takes longer than 5 seconds to heat. A deluxe continental breakfast is served every morning. Unfortunately it’s served on the continent of Europe. The front desk is staffed 24 hours, although those hours aren’t necessarily consecutive. The Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory is 2 miles away (follow the plutonium glow).
We hope you enjoy your stay at the Best Western and if you don’t agree this is the Best Western you stayed at, we’ll give you a coupon for a free Continental breakfast…served on the continent of Australia.