Archive for January, 2016

Identity Thief Strikes God. “Takes one to know one,” says thief.


He does have the whole world in his hands. Now if he could've just added some more brimstone to his firewall, he wouldn't have had his identity stolen.

The Lord thinks of everything, but if he only remembered to add more brimstone to his firewall, he wouldn’t have had his identity stolen.

Identity theft, long thought to have victimized only earthlings with good credit scores, has smote The Almighty. Believers began to have suspicions when so many of their prayers went unanswered. Atheists seemed to be unaffected by the theft. After burning around the bush, our Lord announced today (through a spokesman as usual) that for a brief period of time his identity had been stolen. His oracle went on to remind his minions that, “His Eminence is not responsible for any karmic debts entered into by his impersonator during the period of the usurpation.” Equifax immediately downgraded the Lord’s credit rating from Immaculate to Cash Only; stating, “While we recognize God is too big to fail, we believe that until his true identity is confirmed creditors should not accept any more of his Covenants because right now we don’t know him from Adam.”
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Railroad Time Zones: A Case Study in the Greater Good?

Early depiction of Time Zones or Belts as they were called in 1883. Better for you than Toaster Streudel and less confusing that a Thursday Night edition of Monday Night Football.

Early depiction of Time Zones or “Time Belts” as they were called upon their introduction in 1883. Eventually citizens found them less confusing than a Thursday Night edition of Monday Night Football.

Ogg returned to the cave and proudly presented his proto-wife with the spoils for the day – a scrawny pterodactyl. She cast one withering glance at his meager bounty and huffed, “You call that hunting and gathering? You’re all hunt and no gather. Would it kill you to gather some berries once in a while?”

In a similar way I return from my writing desk and hope to present you with more than a scrawny bird-brained essay to chew on, lest you cast one withering glance at my meager typing and huff, “You call that hunting and pecking? You’re all hunt and no pecker. Would it kill you to gather your thoughts once in a while?”

My speculation here is extravagant. Not only in assuming prehistoric man spoke English, but in assuming readers are interested in an essay that tries to bypass the usual clichés of “Life being about the journey” and instead suggests an even less appealing theme: “If everyone behaved more like me, the world would be a better place.” Read the rest of this entry »

Colonel Robert E Lee Makes the Wrong Choice

I never asked for this.

“This unbidden dilemma vexes me to no end.” 

In 1861 United States Army Colonel Robert E Lee was the South’s first choice for a commanding position in the Confederate Army. His outstanding military reputation and patriotic lineage merited a similar offer from the North. Ultimately he chose to resign his commission in the United States Army and sign on with his secessionist home state of Virginia. He was promptly named a General in the Confederate Army and in short order the patriotic brotherhood of the Revolution devolved into the bitter animus of the Civil War.

We will never know what would’ve happened had Lee decided otherwise. We only know the predictable result of his imprudent decision – a prolonged and lethal struggle to defend a state’s right to extend slavery into the territories. Of course I’m not suggesting Robert E Lee was entirely responsible for the abomination of the Civil War. What I am suggesting is that his faulty decision amplified the length and breadth of this irrepressible conflict. Read the rest of this entry »

Christian Science Eating Rooms: Manna from Heaven?

There are many dishes in my Father's house. Many of which are even gluten-free.

There are many foods in my Father’s house. I recommend everything but the apple.

Could this be what Mary Baker Eddy had in mind when she established her church in 1879? Apparently Church elders thought so and have doubled down on their past success with Christian Science Reading Rooms by introducing Christian Science Eating Rooms. I was curious about this ecumenical eatery and spoke with Comestible Services Director Harley Karnoff, who explained the Church’s marketing philosophy; “We hope to appeal to Christian Foodies everywhere. It doesn’t matter if you’re a Quaker or a Shaker, Orthodox or Hydrox, Plain or Peanut – the Christian Science Eating Room has a pew for you. Even atheists are welcomed, although they usually come away with a little indigestion.” Read the rest of this entry »

The Apocryphal Discovery of Isaac Newton’s 1661 Trinity College Thesis on the Catholic Church

Sir Isaac Newton: Scientist extraordinaire and genealogical forefather of Rod Stewart.

Sir Isaac Newton: Scientist extraordinaire and genealogical forefather of Rod Stewart.

Mrs. Hattie Beasley of Ipswich expected nothing more than a serviceable Queen Anne picture frame when she paid a bargain 3 quid 10 bob for it at the estate sale of dearly departed Gwendolyn Chatham in 1992. She planned on removing the existing picture of 4 English Bulldogs playing poker and replacing it with one of her own – a little hand-painted still life of apples for which she was renown in Suffolk County. In fact for about the price of a pint of mead, the purchase yielded Mrs. Beasley much more than she bargained for. Because when she removed the frame’s backer and withdrew the folded spacing materials that helped to press the English Bulldog print flush against the glass, she discovered a trove of remarkably well-preserved papers from Trinity College in Cambridge dating from 1661. Amazingly the authenticated papers were written in the strong, clear hand of Sir Isaac Newton, who, at the time they were written, was known as Isaac the Underachiever. As she examined the clean and unspoiled historic sheets, she noted they were from some kind of examination paper whose subject was titled: Catholic Church History: On Tracing Its Origin, Development and Cultural Semiotics with Respect to its Hierarchy, Heresies and Celibacy – All within an Aristotelian Construct. Read the rest of this entry »