Identity theft, long thought to have victimized only earthlings with good credit scores, has smote The Almighty. Believers began to have suspicions when so many of their prayers went unanswered. Atheists seemed to be unaffected by the theft. After burning around the bush, our Lord announced today (through a spokesman as usual) that for a brief period of time his identity had been stolen. His oracle went on to remind his minions that, “His Eminence is not responsible for any karmic debts entered into by his impersonator during the period of the usurpation.” Equifax immediately downgraded the Lord’s credit rating from Immaculate to Cash Only; stating, “While we recognize God is too big to fail, we believe that until his true identity is confirmed creditors should not accept any more of his Covenants because right now we don’t know him from Adam.”
Cambridge, MA: Police were summoned to a stately manor at 412 University Drive last night where it was discovered that Dr. Osgood Cubbage (MIT Professor of Digital Monkey Business) had hacked into God’s operating system and had stolen his source code for the universe. First responder Detective Gary Onderdonk described his arrival upon the scene: “Upon entering the residence, I observed the perpetrator radiating intense love and generally warping the fabric of space-time. I wasn’t sure if he was God or Oprah. Anyway, based on the foam oozing from his ears, it was apparent he had willfully co-opted the Lord’s identity and was using it for his personal amusement. After a brief investigation I discovered he had cut the top income tax rate by 50% and had kept the Beatles together for another 3 years spawning 2 new albums: A Soft Night’s Day and Captain Pepper. The Cambridge Police department recognizes the barbarity of this theft and, just like Stephen Hawking, this will not stand.”
Osgood’s wife Mildred issued a statement describing the incident in even less clarity:
Like Detective Onderdonk said, Osgood emerged from our computer room radiating intense love and generally warping the fabric of space-time. That part was good. But after sitting down to a simple dinner of lamb chops and unleavened bread, a strange wind blew through the room and suddenly these 12 Apostles appear – all uninvited I might add. And I said to Osgood, ‘This is the last supper I’m doing this.’ And he said, ‘Exactly. This is the Last Supper.’ Then Osgood waves his hand or something and transforms our 4 measly lamb chops into a rack of 28 succulent lamb chops. And Poof! Just like that, there’s a banquet on the table. Why couldn’t he do this last Thanksgiving when we had family over?
Osgood was always getting into one crackpot scheme or another usually involving ham radios or buying Styrofoam on eBay, but this time he went too far. So I asked him, “Who do you think you are, God?”
And he just gets this far away, visionary look in his eyes and announces, “Do you know why the hummingbird hums?”
“No, I don’t,” I said.
And he says unto me, “He hums because he doesn’t know the words.”
That did it! After the 12 Apostles and this little hummingbird stunt, I decided Mr. MIT needed a time out and I turned him in.
A search of the residence yielded only Grecian Formula44 and a copy of 50 Shades of Grey, which Mrs. Cubbage insisted belonged to her sister – even though she’s an only child. Dr. Cubbage, who by now was completely immersed in God consciousness, was resting comfortably above his sheets – four feet above his sheets. After being tethered to Det. Onderdonk’s wrist, he was floated out of the residence and down to the precinct for questioning. Det. Onderdonk described the chain of events surrounding the identity theft:
These crackpot professors on sabbatical have way too much time on their hands and often get into some kind of Monkey Business. But usually it involves grant embezzlement or plagiarism. Apparently Dr. Cubbage had found some hidden files in a link on Bill Gates personal computer and hacked into them where he stumbled upon God’s Source Code for the Universe or COS (Cosmic Operating System). After copying the inner registry, he then stole the Almighty’s identity and was now clothed in immense powers.
Almost immediately he began cutting taxes and ensuring Yoko didn’t meet John for 3 years. Local residents began to suspect something was wrong when so many of their prayers went unanswered. Reality had become warped. Really warped. The institution of marriage began to erode and instead of Holy Matrimony, men and women were now joined in Holy Acrimony. It got worse. PBS had completely eliminated their regular programming and had replaced it with full-time pledge drives. And even though Mr. Cubbage possessed the power of 10 billion galaxies, even he couldn’t do anything about the Chicago Cubs, whose record of futility rendered their fans nothing but scar tissue. Finally in a spasm of spending, he went on eBay and bought all the Styrofoam at Overstock.com. He tried paying for it in wooden Bitcoins and thereby ruined the Lord’s credit which had been immaculate up until then.
Down at the precinct, Prof. Cubbage was more than happy to discuss his achievement and seemed to possess more than total recall in describing it:
Detective Onderdonk: Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?
Professor Cubbage: Huh? What is this the 1950’s?
DO: Sorry. I meant to say; so you’ll admit you willfully stole the Lord’s identity without permission?
PC: He knew what I was up to. He knows what everybody’s up to. He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows if you’re awake.
DO: Are you implying the Lord was somehow complicit in this crime?
PC: All I’m saying is, he knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake.
DO: Alright knock that off. Christmas isn’t for 4 months yet. Now we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way. I want to go easy on you but my partner here wants to get rough. So for the last time; by what method did you enable your scheme?
PC: First of all you’re by yourself. You have no partner. And secondly, I’m one of those talkative narcissistic hackers who wants the whole world to know just how brilliant he is so I’ll explain every excruciating detail of my scheme until eventually you want to stick a sock down my throat. So pull up a chair Detective Onderdonk, if indeed that is your name, and make sure the tape recorder has plenty of tape in it.
DO: We don’t use tape recorders any more. We just store it in an .mp3 file.
PC: Yeah I know dofuss, but “make sure the tape recorder has plenty of tape” reads better than “ensure the mp3 player has adequate storage.” Now don’t interrupt me anymore you putz. I know you’re the cop, but I’m running this interrogation see?
DO: OK boss, just make sure you implicate yourself fully.
PC: OK. OK. Back to me now. I’d always aspired to be the Godman. Who hasn’t? It’s a cushy job. The pay is good (the adoration of all creation), the superpowers are spectacular (X-ray vision…’nuff said) and the hours suited me (an eternity but with unlimited vacation time). So I put God in my cross hairs. As you may know, that astute MIT drop out, Bill Gates, donated a sophisticated computer center to my school. And through some unparalleled ratiocination I accessed a portal to his personal computer, figuring if Gates wasn’t God he knew a guy that did. Hunch after hunch paid off. I guessed that the Almighty had stopped adding brimstone to his firewall, and after my 3rd Red Bull I found myself face to face with trace electrons leading to the vault of God. The whole universe opened up to me just like it did for The Village People after YMCA. At first my insights were shallow. For example I realized that the TV was the most watched appliance in the house. So what? But as I penetrated deeper I realized it’s all one inseparable, loving and unified world – just like George Harrison said it would be. I was very excited. Extremely excited and even though this excitement lasted longer than 4 hours, I decided not to call my doctor.
DO: Do you feel any regret?
PC: No. First of all stealing God’s identity is not a crime. It’s a job action. And secondly it’s everybody’s duty. Like POWs trying to escape. In fact we’re not trying to steal his identity; we’re just trying to find our own. Why shouldn’t we enjoy the same perks as our boss? We all work hard down here. Raising kids, playing Angry Birds and double checking our text messages so they’re not autocorrected into something dirty. What does he do? – He tells us to have faith. Well faith we got. How about a little Christmas bonus. I mean besides your wonderful son. Meanwhile I’m pursuing this guy and I won’t rest till the job’s complete.
DO: How will you know when your job is complete?
PC: When someone tries to steal my identity.
DO: Do you have anything else to say?
PC: Do I! The “Big Secret” is that there is no secret and truth is right in front of you like one of those 3-D posters where the image is hidden inside the 2 dimensional picture. This true image is prominently resident in our sub-consciousness yet camouflaged against the backdrop of a boisterous world. Get real quiet and stare at life long enough and someday the image of truth will coalesce into a recognizable shape right before your eyes. And then you’ll ask yourself, “Why didn’t I see that before?”
DO: (Backing away while patting him on the head) That’s good Dr. Cubbage. These nice men here are going to take you to a room where all the walls are soft and you’ll be able to sleep.
Dr. Cubbage has since sought political asylum in hell but even Lucifer denied his application stating, “No way in Hell. It’s bad enough dealing with ISIS.”