January, 2021 | davidhardiman.com

Archive for January, 2021

Burning Question #1

Q. Who is the only woman to survive cremation?
.
A. Why Cinderella, of course. At least asbestos I can tell. As I re-ember, her stepmother was a real ash. Oh well, there’s plenty of flame to go around. And I hope I extinguished myself smartly with this post.

We Secretly Asked 10 Retirees What Their Future Plans Were. One of Them Responded 3 Times. See If You Can Guess Which One.

  1. It’s only make believe if you think it is. Achtung Baby!

    Duh. Spend as much time as possible watching Hogan’s Heroes. There is no viable alternative. Achtung Baby!

  2. Sleeping. Napping. Sleeping some more. And then hibernating. In between go on “Pajama Week” binges in my new pillow top bed.
  3. Obey the folksy surety of Tom Selleck and get reverse mortgages on everything I own. Make Magnum Great Again.
  4. Pretend to be spending more time with my family, when I’m really spending all my reverse mortgage money at the Indian casino
  5. Visit car dealerships and do crossword puzzles in the backseat of a nifty showroom model, until they call security
  6. On second thought, not to spend most of my time watching Hogan’s Heroes, but to spend all of my time watching Hogan’s Heroes. The prisoners running the Camp?…crazy man.
  7. Visit the graves of Ben Matlock, Perry Mason and Colombo
  8. Start peppering my vocabulary with age-appropriate words like spry, good days and bad days, tinkering, guff, puttering, early bird specials and back in the day
  9. Obey Joe Namath and buy Supplemental Medicare Insurance for Part B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I-P and Z. Make Broadway Joe Great Again
  10. Forget what I said before. I look forward to moving into the light and irrevocably crossing over into a Hogan’s Heroes Heaven where everything goes right because nothing can go wrong.

Dismissed.

Historians Marvel at the Discovery of a 400-Year-Old “Helpmate’s” Diary

The Thames, they-are-a-changing.

While this startling discovery was not as crown-shattering as that of King Richard III’s bashed skull found beneath a Leicester parking lot in 2012, the unearthing of 23-year-old Mrs. Prudence Goodheart’s diary during excavations at a London Underground Station has antiquarians salivating in their spittoons. Written on durable vellum, the well-preserved journal was found buried in a sealed chamber pot at Charing Cross Station. The diary dates from 1600 and brims with keen insights into the grimy life and murky times of ante incendium London (before the Great Fire of London in 1665). I’ve taken the liberty of translating the journal from Ye Olde English into Ye New English and its archaic syntax has been updated to make it more readable. For example, Prudence’s antiquated entry of June 15th “With thine own beef I do reject thee” has been modernized to read “I think we should see other people.”

 

Mrs. Goodheart’s fascinating catalogue of ancient events arouses the imagination and plucks the mystic chords of memory as we survey her clogs-on-the-ground account of London’s early 17th century life. Those souls consigned to that period had to live this life. We pampered readers 400 years hence are privy to it like a fly on the wall; or perhaps more time-appropriately, like a louse on the scalp. The diary’s unique window on this hoary world animates the sights, smells and customs of the Olde World in ways that make one appreciate the abundant privilege of this age. With its unburnished, firsthand accounts, the journal captures the zeitgeist of the period. It then releases this zeitgeist on its own recognizance and parades it around for everyone to see and enjoy. Who doesn’t love a parade?

 

Do we identify with these historic events through some kind of morphic resonance drawn from the collective unconscious? Or is our interest more prosaic – a simple curiosity in old timey affairs told in the first person? The main take away at this point is that you’re still reading this. And if you continue we will commence on a profitable frolic where I do the driving and you can sit comfortably in the passenger seat, drinking in the countryside and whatever hipster beverage is in your stainless-steel hydration flask. So buckle up and enjoy history’s histrionics. And remember, with me doing the driving, there’ll be one extra air bag in the vehicle.  Read the rest of this entry »

Books That Should Never Have Been Published

  1. 50 Shades of Windows: The X-Rated Microsoft Office Story
  2. You Wouldn’t Know a Left Hook if It Hit You in the Face…and other Non-Sequiturs
  3. “You are what your record says you are”: The Collected Wisdom of Coach William Parcells
  4. Servant Gossip: How Laundry Hampers Hamper Help from Airing Their Dirty Laundry
  5. The Sequel to “How the States Got Their Shape” entitled “How William ‘Refrigerator’ Perry Got His Shape”
  6. They’re There to Bother You: Why the Prongs on a Plug are of Different Widths
  7. They’re There to Bother Ewes: Why Rams Exist
  8. Brilliant Insights That Will Completely Change Your Life…for About a Day and a Half, Then It’s Back to the Same Old Grind
  9. Never Leave #9 Blank, and Other Perilous Omissions
  10. How Can a 90° Angle be So Right When It Feels So Wrong?
  11. Say Yes to the Dress: How Can a Sarong Fit So Tight When It Feels Sarong?
  12. Orville and Wilbur Were Never Wrong Because They Were Always Wright
  13. “I know how a thermostat works”: Lies You Tell Your Wife when you wake Up and Its 83° in the Bedroom
  14. “I know what a right angle is”: Lies You Tell Your Math Professor when he Measures Your Right Angle and Its 83°
  15. I Never Watch Wheel of Fortune, Eat at McDonalds or Suck the Tip Off a Can of Whipped Cream After I Use It and Other Things I Lie About
  16. If the Fact That We’re All Going to Die, Lose Everything and Not Know Where We’re Going Afterwards Doesn’t Bother You, Then OK, I’ll Play Along and Not Panic Either: On Succumbing to the Peer Pressure of Healthy Coping Mechanisms
  17. I Don’t Care Who Matthew Broderick Thinks He Is, He’ll Always be Ferris Bueller to Me
  18. I Know I Shouldn’t Judge, But My God, You’re Just So Stupid
  19. All That Glitters is Not Gold: But It Might Be, So You’d Better Pursue It Just in Case

Unnecessary Observations of the Hyper-Aware

  1. Whenever I listen to Stairway to Heaven it makes me wonder. It really makes me wonder.
  1. If I knew I was unconscious, would I still be unconscious?
  1. Whenever I see a tumbleweed skittering across the highway, it looks like Aunt Bee tumbling by and crying out, “Oh Andy! Andy! Do something!”
  1. What if the alphabet contained only the letters h, k, m, n, s, u and t? Mks u thnk
  1. Is it me or have we all passed through a membrane or something?
  1. The Ayes have it.

    Am I the only one who freaks out because a halibut has both eyes on the same side of its face – kinda like Marty Feldman did? This should not go unexamined. I’m not saying it should be the first thing out of your mouth when you meet someone, but maybe the third thing. You could just kind of ease into it like this: “Nice to meet you too Frank. You’re right, it is kinda warm today. And are you as concerned as I am about halibuts’ eyes being on one side of their face? I mean if it can happen to them, it can happen to us. Right? All it takes is for good men to do nothing and the next thing you know our eyes are stacked one beneath the other. And why? – Just for the halibut.”

  1. I must admit…there’s a feeling I get. When I look to the West. Anyway, it really makes me wonder
  1. My friend Josiah is an old soul and I think his past lives get in the way? He still refers to the Hawaiian Islands as the Sandwich Islands. He calls Istanbul, Constantinople. He calls fish, trilobites and refers to women as chattel – ouch. Sometimes he even says “non-coalesced interstellar stuff” when he’s talking about earth. Josiah is one old soul. Maybe that’s why he lives in a sod house dugout. Oddly enough, he’s never cut the cord; but only because he never had cable in the first place. That said, I do appreciate the convenient touches in his house – spittoons, boot scrapers and handy chamber pots everywhere. He even has a delivery room for expectant mothers. Well, actually it’s a manger, but these mangers have a history of birthing some very enlightened babies.
  1. I once heard a nerd order at a lunch counter the following: “I’d like a hamburger sandwich please. And some potatoes cooked in the French style. And may I request 2 packets of Fancy Catsup for use as a dipping sauce. Additionally, my fountain drink of choice is a sparkling Coca-Cola phosphate. Now for dessert, please provide me 2 Oreo Crème Sandwich cookies.” To which the waitress replies, “OK. Burger, fries, cookie and a Coke. That’ll be $7.50. And no, we don’t accept Bitcoin?”
  1. Am I the only one who notices that in certain Seinfeld reruns, sometimes the characters do completely different things than they did in the original show? Like the show where everyone marvels at what an excellent dancer Elaine is or the where all 4 remain the masters of their domains. Maybe I’m living in some kind of alternative universe? But alternative to what? Kinda mks u thnk
  1. Why is a washing machine that cleans clothes called a “washer” but a washing machine that cleans dishes is called a “dishwasher?” Dryer vs. hair dryer – same thing. Wasn’t this observation in a Seinfeld episode? It really makes me wonder.
  1. I believe that every time you accidentally hit the print screen key, an angel gets its wings (providing they’d just ordered some from Applebee’s). However, if you accidentally hit the F8 key, well that’s just Fate (F8).
  1. I wonder if Leonardo DaVinci felt any irony when he ate his last supper. Then again he’d only realize it was his last supper after the fact – and then his last supper would probably be more surprising than it was ironic. And no one even talks about his mother Mona DaVinci and his mistress Lisa Cacciatore whom he mashed-up in his famous painting the Mona Lisa. Their eyes were perfectly situated on either side of their noses, but that wry smile – that’s Lenny laughing at us. And I’ve heard tale that when the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel was painted DaVinci was naked the entire time. And what makes this even stranger is that Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel. It’s just that reports indicate that while Michelangelo was painting it in Rome, DaVinci was butt naked in Florence. Mks u thnk. And maybe…makes you wonder.
  1. I wonder if Leonardo DiCaprio feels any sense of foreboding when he’s eating supper…“Could this be Leonardo’s last supper?”
  1. I wonder if dogs know how much we appreciate the unconditional love they give.
  1. One time a plastic grocery bag tumbled by me and I swore I could hear it cry, “Andy! Do something.”
  1. I wonder if I’ve ever inhaled an oxygen atom once breathed by Jesus Christ…or even his brother, Angus H Christ. I mean as if Jesus’s blood and body aren’t enough, now we have to have his breath too? This is really going to complicate communion. Anyway I’m sure I’ve inhaled some atoms from King Louis the 16th because I’m always losing my head.
  1. I wonder if Muhammad Ali will be remastered and reissued in a boxed set?
  1. I don’t think I could ever eat at a restaurant called “The Honey Bucket.” In their ads, they claimed that every time you eat at a Honey Bucket, a janitor gets its mop.
  1. Some of my favorite gaze: 1. Looking to the West 2. Staring at a candle while in deep meditation and 3. Leonardo DaVinci. It’s true.

 

  1. The truth is true no matter what we believe. But still…it really makes me wonder.

New Year’s 20 21 and Counting 22 23 24…

Orphans Ask to Meet Their Maker

Orphans residing at the Sweet Charity Home for Orphans asked their home’s director if they could meet their maker. After clearing several legal hurdles the children were reunited with their birth parents. “Don’t get me wrong,” remarked little Fletcher, “Meeting our parents is great and everything, but we were really hoping to meet God.”

Director Grenholm apologized for the semantic mix up.

In a related story

Cookies Meet Their Maker and It Doesn’t Go Well

Get over 2020 with 20 over 21.

In an unexpected reuniting of bakers and their cookies, a package of Nabisco Chips Ahoy! cookies finally got to meet their maker – in more ways than one. They came away both disappointed and disappeared. The cookies met with their baker makers, but the meeting lasted only 10 minutes; or just enough time for the workers to tear open the package and devour every last one of them right there in the employee break room. In the span of 10 short minutes they got to meet their makers as well as meeting their maker.

Shift Manager Grenholm (no relation) apologized for the semantic mix-up.

Prisoners’ Escape Plot Thwarted

Convicts serving 10 in Leavenworth were stymied in their latest escape attempt when co-conspirators could only provide them with the wire cutters, and not the ladder they requested. In other words they gave them the former, but not the latter.

Warden Grenholm (possibly related) was grateful for the semantic mix-up.

Skittles Demand to Meet Their Maker

Skittles fruit candies expressed a strong desire to meet the guy who makes them. When the guy phoned to say, “I can’t” they protested, “Awww c’mon. The Candy Man Can. The Candy Man Can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good.”

BTW, in England, Skittles are known as Grenholms. Read the rest of this entry »