year | davidhardiman.com

Posts Tagged ‘year’

New Year’s 20 21 and Counting 22 23 24…

Orphans Ask to Meet Their Maker

Orphans residing at the Sweet Charity Home for Orphans asked their home’s director if they could meet their maker. After clearing several legal hurdles the children were reunited with their birth parents. “Don’t get me wrong,” remarked little Fletcher, “Meeting our parents is great and everything, but we were really hoping to meet God.”

Director Grenholm apologized for the semantic mix up.

In a related story

Cookies Meet Their Maker and It Doesn’t Go Well

Get over 2020 with 20 over 21.

In an unexpected reuniting of bakers and their cookies, a package of Nabisco Chips Ahoy! cookies finally got to meet their maker – in more ways than one. They came away both disappointed and disappeared. The cookies met with their baker makers, but the meeting lasted only 10 minutes; or just enough time for the workers to tear open the package and devour every last one of them right there in the employee break room. In the span of 10 short minutes they got to meet their makers as well as meeting their maker.

Shift Manager Grenholm (no relation) apologized for the semantic mix-up.

Prisoners’ Escape Plot Thwarted

Convicts serving 10 in Leavenworth were stymied in their latest escape attempt when co-conspirators could only provide them with the wire cutters, and not the ladder they requested. In other words they gave them the former, but not the latter.

Warden Grenholm (possibly related) was grateful for the semantic mix-up.

Skittles Demand to Meet Their Maker

Skittles fruit candies expressed a strong desire to meet the guy who makes them. When the guy phoned to say, “I can’t” they protested, “Awww c’mon. The Candy Man Can. The Candy Man Can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good.”

BTW, in England, Skittles are known as Grenholms. Read the rest of this entry »

An Equilibrious New Year

What is this a countdown: 20,19,18,17 etc.

As the New Year dawns I feel I must inform my friends of the resolution I’ve made – and no, it’s not the sexual reassignment surgery. The reports of my gender dysphoria have been greatly exaggerated.

 

No, this New Year I resolve not to be funny anymore. For some, like Dana and Sandy, who never got my humor to begin with, there’ll be no change. For others, who tolerated my humor with an easily maintained stiff upper lip, it will be a welcomed relief. And finally for those whose daily moods rise and fall on the analgesic potency of my so-called humor, well, we’ll always have 2018.

 

So here’s to promoting an Equilibrious New Year to everyone, everywhere. Let us carry on smartly, stoically and soberly.

Perhaps next year when it’s 2020 we’ll have a clearer vision of things.