Orphans Ask to Meet Their Maker
Orphans residing at the Sweet Charity Home for Orphans asked their home’s director if they could meet their maker. After clearing several legal hurdles the children were reunited with their birth parents. “Don’t get me wrong,” remarked little Fletcher, “Meeting our parents is great and everything, but we were really hoping to meet God.”
Director Grenholm apologized for the semantic mix up.
In a related story
Cookies Meet Their Maker and It Doesn’t Go Well
In an unexpected reuniting of bakers and their cookies, a package of Nabisco Chips Ahoy! cookies finally got to meet their maker – in more ways than one. They came away both disappointed and disappeared. The cookies met with their baker makers, but the meeting lasted only 10 minutes; or just enough time for the workers to tear open the package and devour every last one of them right there in the employee break room. In the span of 10 short minutes they got to meet their makers as well as meeting their maker.
Shift Manager Grenholm (no relation) apologized for the semantic mix-up.
Prisoners’ Escape Plot Thwarted
Convicts serving 10 in Leavenworth were stymied in their latest escape attempt when co-conspirators could only provide them with the wire cutters, and not the ladder they requested. In other words they gave them the former, but not the latter.
Warden Grenholm (possibly related) was grateful for the semantic mix-up.
Skittles Demand to Meet Their Maker
Skittles fruit candies expressed a strong desire to meet the guy who makes them. When the guy phoned to say, “I can’t” they protested, “Awww c’mon. The Candy Man Can. The Candy Man Can cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good.”
BTW, in England, Skittles are known as Grenholms.
Handyman Ad Written By a Hungover Jack-of-All-Tradesman (As seen on Dregslist)
The Handyman Can
I can drain ponds with or without their owner’s consent. I excel at graffiti removal, but I’m better at graffiti tagging. I’ve moved mailboxes – usually by accidentally smashing into them. And I’ve moved women to tears – usually by accidentally smashing into them. And, though it’s rarely requested, I’m able to leap small children in a single bound. But sometimes I fall short – usually by accidentally smashing into them.
I’m very good at nailing, but I prefer to screw. I accept payment in Spanish Galleons, half galleons or quartz.
Homeowners tell me I make a mean dip for their paint chips. For a while I earned a living flipping over albums on turntables for lazy audiophiles.
I’ve been a plant sitter, a dog walker and a paint drying watcher. Back when I hung with Sinatra I was a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king.
I’ve been hired as a guy that ensures no good deed goes unpunished. Man, was that an impossibly nuanced assignment. I’ve also watched pots to make sure they never boil. I’m not too good at that. Spoiler Alert: No matter how long you watch them, they eventually boil.
Let me professionally open your cereal boxes and cake mixes for you. If a plasticized packet doesn’t have a “starter tear” for ease of opening, I can expertly nip it for you. Once I do you’ll never go back to teeth-tearing.
I’m very crafty and financially secure – most people say I’m independently stealthy.
My references are not available upon request. So don’t request them.
Spoiler Alert: Since my “transition” began a few months ago, I’m now technically a Handyperson.
English Bookies Ask to Meet with Their Betters
In an effort to improve service to their bettors, the Union of Concerned Bookies has asked to meet with their betters, to be advised on how to become more useful to their bettors. Veteran bookie Uriah Cavendish remarked, “Bettors better beware – we are vigorishly trying to get better. Instead of ‘Be Best’ we’re trying to ‘Be Better’.”
The Marriott Manger
Even though there’s room at most inns, frugal souls are now opting to sleep in mangers. Marriott Manger manager Mr. Grenholm (might be related) says he’s running out of hay, telling customers “Look, this is the last straw.” He advises customers that the manger was once very rickety, but now the manger is stable.
Good Samaritan’s say bad Samaritans “give Good Samaritans a bad name.”
Pushing people into mud puddles just “to see if gravity still works” is not something a Samaritan should do – any Samaritan, good or bad. Mute Samaritans had no comment. Apathetic Samaritans didn’t really care and Gaming Samaritans were stuck in Virtual Reality and unavailable for comment. In any event Joe Biden says not to worry – he’ll be the President of all Samaritans.
Spice Girls to Reunite
Last century’s Spice Girls will be getting back together this Seasoning. And in keeping with her advanced age, Ginger Spice, the oldest Spice Girl, has changed her name to Hospice. Unfortunately social media has altered the name slightly and taken to calling her Ho Spice. Even Baby Spice has aged and is now referred to as Old Spice. Posh Spice has morphed into All Spice and if she can’t take a joke then Beckham. Mel B and Mel C continue to be scary and sporty. The famously atomized group hopes to shake and sprinkle their spicy magic all over this great land of ours.
A Religious Tomato, Tomahto Song
♫ You Say Yusef and I Say Joseph ♫
♫ You say Yahweh and I say Jehovah. ♫
♫Yusef, Joseph. Yahweh, Jehovah. Let’s call the whole thing off ♫
Cloud keeps shape of a snowmobile for 2 years, of a mink fur 3 years, of a 4 X 4 for four years.
This Entire Reality Was:
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