Archive for August, 2015

The UN to Auction Off Earth’s Imaginary Lines

Hell is when things don't connect. Imaginary lines connect things and are not only heavenly, but for sale too.

How do you buy an imaginary line? With Monopoly money?

Fund-Raising Effort Blurs Already Murky Distinction Between the Imaginary and the Real

In an effort to raise critically needed cash for its numerous outreach programs, the United Nations has begun selling the naming rights to the Earth’s Imaginary Lines. Despite earlier assurances from UN Secretary General Antonio Gutteres that these well-known imaginary lines were not for sale, corporations are now offering untold billions – $378 billion at last count – to secure sponsorship to some of the most illustrious imaginary lines ever not actually in existence. Of course now that I’ve told you the exact amount of money corporations have paid, the untold billions are now “told billions.”

The Secretary General has emphatically maintained that, “The United Nations is a global exemplar of trust and integrity, and as such, any attempt at prostituting this institution for short term profit is where I draw the line.” However it was an imaginary line and it sold for over $4 billion to a lobbyist from Dubai. And now it’s like a Middle Eastern bazaar in the General Assembly as corporations lustily haggle over the price of all sorts of imaginary lines including the one separating North Korea from reality. Read the rest of this entry »

A Quick Report from Beyond the Grave by Me. The Guy in the Picture.


Now that I've passed on I want to share something with you. Of course you can believe me - both eyebrows are raised.

Now that I’ve passed on I want to share something with you. Of course you can believe me – both of my eyebrows are raised.

I think it’s always preferable to die of natural causes. Unnatural causes are so unhealthy and dying of supernatural causes is so Hollywood. Anyway I died of natural causes – too much bacon grease in the blood – and I’m here to give a quick report from the other side. I expired in the early morning hours of Saturday March 14th just missing the unlucky Friday the 13th by only a few hours – dodged that one. The non-alarmist hospital conveyed my expiration with subtle understatement by gently explaining to my wife Loretta, “It appears your husband has embarked on a nap from which there is no awakening.” Read the rest of this entry »

Rice Dream: The Speech, Not the Milk

JFK at Rice University 1962 inspiring the nation to go...where?

JFK at Rice University in Houston on Sept. 12th, 1962, inspiring the nation to go…where?

It was one of those dreams where, as usual, I didn’t realize I was dreaming. So I unquestioningly participated in a fully matured, yet strangely demented world located just beyond my grasp. As an experienced dreamer I’m comfortable enough with surrendering myself to presented circumstances and found no cause for anxiety in my dream’s inherently disordered context. For example, in this particular dream I blithely accepted my location (Rice University – I don’t remember traveling to Houston.), my time period (1962 – I was 1.) and my surroundings (why wasn’t I asking those nearby Texans what the hell we were all doing there?). And yet I felt no cause for alarm. Non-sequitur preconditions often arose in my dreams and never worried me unless I found myself in line for a Disney ride called Proctologists of the Caribbean.
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