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BREAKING News: Cowsills Say Moon Landing was Faked

“Just imagine, without us there would’ve been no Partridge Family.”

Breaking their silence after spending over half a century deciding when was the right time to “go public” with their bombshell, the Cowsills decided now is the ime and have issued a coordinated statement splashed across all their social media platforms (AOL, Yammer, and MySpace) declaring: “The Cowsills firmly believe the moon landing was faked. Not all of them, just the second one.”

 

Drummer Bob Cowsill went on to explain why the band waited so long to detonate their lunar bombshell, “We didn’t want our public stance to interfere with our bookings. And since we haven’t had any since 1983, we felt that now was a good time.” Bob then further explained the essence of the statement by breaking into the band’s 1967 signature hit The Rain, the Park & Other Things: “♫And I knew. I knew, I knew, I knew, There wasn’t a moon landing, landing, landing ♫.  

 

This is Us.

Of the three remaining Cowsill members (Bob, Susan and Paul) only 2 of them actually believe the moon landing was a hoax. Cute little Susan Cowsill (now 60) is the lone holdout. She believes Apollo 12 did land someplace besides earth, just not on the moon. In a prepared statement she said: “Now I’m no astronomer, but the moon is a fickle thing. Heck sometimes you look up and it’s not even there. So how could someone land on it if it’s missing?”

 

And in an unprepared statement Susan said: “These rehab centers really help. Especially after the 20th stay.”

Meanwhile, in another part of the pretend world we sometimes inhabit, Partridge Family spokesman and former manager Reuben Kincaid referred all questions on the Cowsills’ statement to Partridge Family mother hen Shirley Jones who said, ♫C’mon get happy.♫

What’s next in the realm of eccentric announcements? Loretta Lynn claiming Dolly Parton wears a wig.  

 

Cowsills Proclamation Moves the Needle for Moon Landing Conspiracists.

There are a still a few Cowsill devotees in bomb shelters who have sent word through their Ham Radios that they “Received the Cowsill message and will adjust their lives accordingly.” Vegetarian Cowsill devotees in bomb shelters have been communicated similar messages through their Tofu Radios which they say sound just like Ham Radios.

 

“This is huge,” said an operator with the handle XTC4U. “We’ve been waiting for the Cowsills to weigh in on this issue for decades. When they talk, we listen. This just confirms everything we believed about NASA’s great Hoax – not on the first moon landing, just the 2nd.” When reminded that the Cowsills were a family rock band from the 1960’s who haven’t had a hit on the charts since 1970, XTC4U removed his homemade aluminum hat and responded with, “And you’re point is? My God, they’re the Cowsills. The COWSILLS damn it! Can you not hear me? They made this announcement on MySpace for Christ’s sake and now it’s gone larval.”

 

Other Ancient Rock Stars Late to the Party with Their Own Pronouncements

  1. Predictably the remaining Monkees have come out against animal research on all remaining monkeys.
  2. The Captain and Tennille released a rambling Manifesto (is there any other kind) deploring Daylight Savings Time: “Darryl and I find the imposition of enforced Daylight Savings Time oppressive and a promotion of Fake Time.” What makes their pronouncement all the more demented is that the Captain and Tennille live in Arizona where Daylight Savings Time is outlawed. They say they’re doing it for all the unborn children who could conceivably be late or early to preschool depending on whether it’s spring forward or fall back.
  3. The Sex Pistols have come out in favor of allowing cars the option of turning not right on red, but left on red. They’re English so it’s really no big deal. They drive on the left side of the road anyway and they practice left on red.
  4. Lead singer Grace Slick of Jefferson Airplane/Starship is calling for the abolishment of slavery. The NAACP reminded Ms. Slick that slavery was abolished in 1865 saying, “That’s not too slick Grace.” While other more charitable members thanked for her insights saying “That’s Amazing Grace. Just Amazing Grace.”
  5. Engelbert Humperdinck piggybacked or humperdincked (as piggybacking is referred to in England) on the whole “aging rock star pronouncement thing” and issued this peculiar statement, “I’d just like to say that although I’m not at all homophobic, I am uncomfortable being around people who are bilingual. In fact, I don’t even like flying on Aer Lingus. Please release me. Let me go!”

America Reacts Swiftly to the Cowsill Bombshell: “Ummm…What the hell’s a Cowsill?”

Calling this 50 years after-the-fact assessment from a long-forgotten band and “act of the utmost inconsequentiality,” America breathed a collective sigh of “We’d be more dismissive if this pronouncement thing even registered with us. It does not. This will never be one of those ‘do you remember where you were moments’ when the Cowsills announced they thought the moon landing was faked. What we need is less Cowsill and more cowbell.”

What NASA Doesn’t Want You to Know About the Moon Landing

 

That's one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind. And a

“That’s one small step for man. One giant leap for…hold it! What’s that dog doing in the picture? Never mind. I can see what he’s doing.”

It is often said that “dog is man’s best friend.” And although he’s recently been replaced by the iPhone, our faithful little buddy is still a very popular app. Their loyalty and devotion is unquestioned. We are humbled by a dog’s gratitude for the simplest of pleasures; like that plastic spaghetti spoon thing we use to launch a tennis ball a mile and a half with a simple flip of a wrist. Dogs possess a deeply embedded pack instinct, so it was no great surprise to Mission Control when Neil Armstrong’s dog Astro bounded out of the VIP grandstand enclosure at Launch Control and onto the Sea of Tranquility just as Mr. Armstrong was about to take his historic moonwalk. I mean is it really any wonder that when his master went for a walk, the dog would follow. Read the rest of this entry »

Rice Dream: The Speech, Not the Milk

JFK at Rice University 1962 inspiring the nation to go...where?

JFK at Rice University in Houston on Sept. 12th, 1962, inspiring the nation to go…where?

It was one of those dreams where, as usual, I didn’t realize I was dreaming. So I unquestioningly participated in a fully matured, yet strangely demented world located just beyond my grasp. As an experienced dreamer I’m comfortable enough with surrendering myself to presented circumstances and found no cause for anxiety in my dream’s inherently disordered context. For example, in this particular dream I blithely accepted my location (Rice University – I don’t remember traveling to Houston.), my time period (1962 – I was 1.) and my surroundings (why wasn’t I asking those nearby Texans what the hell we were all doing there?). And yet I felt no cause for alarm. Non-sequitur preconditions often arose in my dreams and never worried me unless I found myself in line for a Disney ride called Proctologists of the Caribbean.
Read the rest of this entry »

Out of This World

 

"Buzz, buzz. Let me back in Buzz."

“Buzz, Buzz. Let me back in Buzz.”

When Neil Armstrong returned from his first moonwalk, Buzz Aldrin, who was laboring under the hallucinogenic effects of an unnoticed nitrous oxide leak in the Eagle, had locked the door and refused him entry. The situation grew tense, but, as had occurred during their entire journey, good fortune soon smiled on them and the situation was resolved. Under the Freedom of Information Act I obtained a transcript of their conversation and post its contents verbatim: 

Neil:    Hey Buzz let me in. Hey Buzz, the door is locked. Let me in. (He knocks on the hatch and even though sound waves cannot travel in a vacuum, buzzed Buzz can hear them anyway)

Buzz:   Who is it?

Neil:    Who do you think Buzz? We’re on the god damn moon. C’mon, let me in.

Buzz:   Neil is that you?

Neil:    No. It’s Helen Keller. Read the rest of this entry »