Out of This World

 

"Buzz, buzz. Let me back in Buzz." “Buzz, Buzz. Let me back in Buzz.”

When Neil Armstrong returned from his first moonwalk, Buzz Aldrin, who was laboring under the hallucinogenic effects of an unnoticed nitrous oxide leak in the Eagle, had locked the door and refused him entry. The situation grew tense, but, as had occurred during their entire journey, good fortune soon smiled on them and the situation was resolved. Under the Freedom of Information Act I obtained a transcript of their conversation and post its contents verbatim: 

Neil:    Hey Buzz let me in. Hey Buzz, the door is locked. Let me in. (He knocks on the hatch and even though sound waves cannot travel in a vacuum, buzzed Buzz can hear them anyway)

Buzz:   Who is it?

Neil:    Who do you think Buzz? We’re on the god damn moon. C’mon, let me in.

Buzz:   Neil is that you?

Neil:    No. It’s Helen Keller.

Buzz:  Helen Keller? What are you doing up here? OK what’s the password? Gotta have a password and it’s not swordfish.

Neil:    C’mon Buzz. Open the pod bay doors. I’m running low on oxygen.

Buzz:  Oxygen? Who needs oxygen when you’ve got nitrous oxide. Oooooh Weeee. This nitrous oxide gas has me well out of conformance. You should try it Helen. Helen, can you even hear me?

Neil:    Buzz. It’s Neil.

Buzz:  Buzzards kneel? What in the hell is that supposed to mean. And another thing. How come you got to walk on the moon first Mr. Neil Armstrong? If indeed your real name is Armstrong. Armstrong. Gimme a break. I should’ve gone first. Aldrin comes before Armstrong.

Neil:    Buzz you know that wasn’t my decision.

Buzz:  And where’s Bob Hope? I thought he was gonna be here with Ann Margret. Instead I’m drinking Tang and looking at an official picture of Pat Nixon. Not what I planned Neil. Not what I planned.

Neil:    (Trying to soothe his comprimised astronaut) What would it take to satisfy you Buzz?

Buzz:   Alright. I want to tell you a big, big secret. Something nobody else knows.

Neil:    Sure Buzz sure. Tell me your secret.

Buzz:   Rock Hudson is gay.

Neil:    Really?                  How do you know?

Buzz:   Never mind that.

 

The situation deteriorates until Mr. Armstrong happens upon an adolescent idea.

 

Neil:    Knock, knock.

Buzz:   Who’s there?

Neil:    Doris.

Buzz:   Doris who?

Neil:    Door is locked, that’s why I’m knocking.

 

Buzz is convulsed in laughter for 5 minutes as Mr. Armstrong’s oxygen runs dangerously low.

 

Neil:    (To Mission Control) Houston we’ve got a problem. Buzz is buzzed.

Buzz:   Oh wait Helen I hear someone buzzing. I have to get the door.

 

And with that errant buzz, Buzz opens the door and a catastrophe is averted. Neil reenters the Eagle to find powdered Tang floating everywhere. All Buzz can say is, “Are you sure we aren’t in Kansas anymore?” Neil fixes the leak and everything returns to norbal.

Leave a Reply

*