Archive for March, 2019

Help Me! I’m a Self-Loathing Media Influencer. I’m More Self-Absorbed than a Wet Paper Towel.

Confessions of a Materialistic Mercenary

Don’t look at me. I’m hideous. I peddle my idolized eminence all over social media because I’m designated as a popular trendsetter. And as a savvy Media Influencer of guileless consumers who depend on me for guidance in arranging their lifestyle, I take great pride and money in directing their choices through ad-choked tweets and sly Instagram picto-promotions. Because of my innate grasp of the zeitgeist, I wield considerable clout when it comes to endorsing products. Corporations recognize this and pay me beaucoup bucks to prostitute myself in an unholy form of product trafficking. Where’s Liam Neeson when you need him?

Don’t be like me. Be your own influencer, otherwise you’ll suffer from Influenza.

Despite my propensity to throw shade on myself for my mercenary vocation, I’d never be so crass as to directly support any product or appear to be a paid shill for any product. Products that are manufactured thousands of miles away from me and millions of miles away from my understanding of how they’re made or what they really are. No, my propaganda is more circumspect and insidious in its methodology. I leave few overt fingerprints in leading my horses to water to let them drink deeply of Yoo-hoo or Monster or whatever the hell it is I’m being paid millions to unobtrusively insinuate into my Instagram or twitter account. And I’ll go to great lengths to present this product as a seamless part of my lifestyle and, by extension, one that should be part of yours.

 

Folks, I’m a long way from reflecting God’s radiance and understanding my humble place within the Cosmos. No this relativistic world causes me enough indigestion whereby I need plenty of Pepto-Bismol to deal with it. Sorry. I’m doing it again. I can’t help myself in influencing market-oriented decisions (and thank you Norwich Pharmaceutical for the $30K for mentioning Pepto-Bismol in this essay – God I hate myself). And to that end, I’ve decided to ask for absolution in the court of public opinion as I expose my personal skunk works in the hope of redemption. To earn your forgiveness, I’ve compiled a list of cunning product placements I’ve nonchalantly worked into my twitter feed so that you barely notice the product is even mentioned. It’s practically subliminal in its adumbration. See if you can spot the fig-leafed product I’m promoting and please forgive me for the many trespasses I’ve wormed into your tender psyche.

My twitter feed (my tweet and tell moment):

  1. Wow, I just got back from a Bruno Mars concert and it was really good. How good? – Fleischman’s Dry Active Yeast good. Clearly Mars is out of this world. Mars is terrific – bar none. The Mars Bar is set very high.
  2. I love polychromatic decorative jewelry. Yes, my favorite jewels have colors. And JUULs have flavors too. Escape to the vape.
  3. Is it pronounced bologna or baloney? I play it safe and just call it Oscar-Meyer.
  4. This morning Bailey and I went for a walk along a fire service road. Bailey is my longtime male companion. Not that kind of longtime male companion. He’s a Golden Retriever for Christ’s sake – you people. Anyway I noticed the road became very rocky and I wondered if maybe this was the inspiration for Ben & Jerry’s Rocky Road Ice Cream. Bailey is such a good boy. Well yes he is.
  5. Chloe and I visited the Amazon when we were in our Prime. We ate many Whole Foods there and read the Washington Post when we could find one. It’s inexpensive here in Ecuador. They only charge 10 Bezos for a trip on a streaming river, or fora trippy streaming movie. Very reasonable. And those who bought into the Amazon experience may also like to buy into other affiliated rivers such as the Nile, the Mississippi or the Danube.
  6. When the night becomes electric a man should smell like a man. That’s why I wear Musk. Elon Musk by Tesla.
  7. I slipped on a Banana Republic and fell into a GAP. Luckily my Old Navy buddy helped me up.
  8. I believe White Supremacy, in all its forms, is evil. Although there is one form of White Supremacy I definitely support: the Beatles White Album. That’s right, the 50th anniversary all White Album is now on sale from Apple records. Apple Records – the original Apple Co.
  9. Seasons do change. Some people like the Vernal or Autumnal Equinox. My favorite Equinox is the Chevy Equinox. And its sister vehicle, the Pontiac Solstice. Test drive one today for great savings – maybe even daylight savings depending on the time of year and the model.
  10. No eczema is a good thing. And that’s why I use Noxzema. It says it right in the name – No Xzema.
  11. Life gets hectic and everyone could use help sometimes. I need help, you need help. Even hamburger needs help occasionally. I really believe in having a little Hamburger Helper once a week. And if you could use more help, remember, the Beatles Help! is available on Spotify.

 

And that’s just one morning’s worth of indirect, social media influence peddling. What have I become? – A Monster (the scary beast and not the drink). I’ve also become a millionaire media influencer. Yes. But at what price? – About $15.7 million so far. Oh, I’m going straight to hell. And I’ll be going there in a stylish slicker from Costco. And Costco doesn’t even engage in corporate advertising. So I’m product-placing there nifty little raincoat in this mea culpa essay for free. And I know I wrote “there nifty” instead of “their nifty.” What is wrong with me? I’m so dysfunctional on so many levels.  I’ve got to get on the level and find my equilibrium. I think I’ll take a SUBWAY to a Starbuck’s for some calming Tazo tea.

Since it’s too late to ask for permission for my self-serving intrusions, I can only ask for forgiveness. 

The Metastatic Advantage: Top 12 Good Things About Pancreatic Cancer

Silver Linings Where You Least Expect Them

  1. For the first time in your life, when someone says, “Hey dude, kept it real.” You can legitimately respond, “Don’t worry. I am.”

    A sliver of silver illuminates awl.
    Great, now I’ve got a light shining on my awl.

  2. On wrestling with “Tis better to give than receive”: Predicting what some distant family member will get you for Christmas and trying to buy them a gift of equal or lesser value…no longer an issue.
  3. Gun to Your Head Clarity: Without having to 2nd guess yourself, you finally see the true value of everything. Then you breathe easy and realize: “Aaaah, so this is what enlightenment looks like. I like it.”
  4. Some things will never change. Rap Music will still suck.
  5. The myth of feeling aggrieved, angry or contemptuous is obliterated forever. You realize your strong convictions merely made you a convict rather than a free thinker. And you shake your head and say, “Great. Thanks God. Thanks for the Stage IV metastatic pancreatic cancer. It took being on deaths door to prompt this life-affirming realizations. And now because time is so short I can’t even get a book deal.”
  6. You never again have to worry about your cat sneakily licking your armpits
  7. Beautiful Hallucinations of Fortune: “Am I near vanna yet?” “You mean Nirvana?” “No. I mean near Vanna. I just want to be near Vanna White.”
  8. You become relaxed and let things go. You come to know it’s OK to be bad, with both names and faces now. How liberating. Now when you see someone you’re vaguely familiar with, you can just point at them and say, “Woof.”
  9. You’ll get to see John Lennon soon. Of course you’ll also have to contend with Phyllis Diller and Tiny Tim, but not to worry; Einstein, Siddhartha and Jesus’ company easily outweighs Charlie Callas, Charlie Ponzi and Typhoid Mary’s.
  10. Peaceful, volitional suicide? Suddenly it’s not such a bad alternative. In this way you can go out on your terms and not some pre-programmed termination you never signed up for. This is where opioids have a legitimate place at the table.  
  11. You can now park in handicapped spots without a placard. And when called on it by the scolding parkinazis, you smile and say, “You’ll pardon me, but I’ve got Stage IV pancreatic cancer. So while I recognize the impropriety of my brazen action, I do say in all candor, F*ck you – deeply and vigorously.” It’s called playing the “I’ll be dead in 4 weeks card.”
  12. You will realize: “We have met the Lord…and it is us.” My God, how did I miss that? I’m as much God as anyone or anything else. Micro Macro. It all coalesces. How did I fail to realize it again – for the 6000th time? This reincarnation thing is getting tedious. Next lifetime, I’m going to participate, but at all hazard, I’m not going to forget this realization. Of course I said that last lifetime too. Oh well, it sure beats having to wait for an AT&T service man – 8-12 my ass. He showed up at 1:30!

Top Ten Least Popular Websites

  1.  Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald – The guy, and not the ship
    2. Clumping Litter for Humans – Really? Yes Really. Features stylish Rubbermaid litter boxes the size of storage sheds scooped out by customized Bobcats. A bad idea impeccably executed. 
    3. That Better Be Melted Chocolate – Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t. Ewwwww!
    4. Hospice Bloopers – Ask the guy that’s been a patient for 9 years
    5. The Other Mannequin Challenge – We follow the exploits of introverted and nerdy high schooler Osgood Fillmore as he attempts to take his longtime mannequin and not-so-imaginary playmate, Mindy to the prom and pass her off as his date. OK, I’ll grant you the slow dance was precious, but the making-out part in the back seat afterward left me as unmoved as Mindy. 
    6. Fish Pedicure Salon Cam – Extreme close-ups of these deranged little fish “voluntarily” eating away the dead skin found on customers’ feet in order to obtain the only nourishment they’ll ever receive. Plus there’s no privacy. They have to live their entire life in a fishbowl. 
    7. Honey Bucket Ice Challenge – Hijinks ensue when the usual ice is replaced with waste from Honey Buckets used at the Coachella Festival. I mean on the one hand it raises a lot of money, but on the other, it raises a lot of questions.
    8. Words That Have 3 Consecutive Dotted Letters – Hijinks ensue when the word hijinks is discovered to have 3 consecutive dotted letters. For obvious reasons, it is suspected the website originates from either Beijing or Fiji. In a performance art video they line up 3 consecutive Dorothys and say, “Dot, Dot, Dot.” 
    9. End Stage Milk Cartons – Pictures of milk containers that have only a few days left before they expire. Very poignant in a lactose tolerant whey.
    10. Geriatric Undergarments – An intimate and unnecessary look into the laundry hampers of octogenarians