March, 2021 | davidhardiman.com

Archive for March, 2021

Amish. At Last. Well, Not Totally Amish. Just Am-ish

A Couple of Antiques. I’ve Got the Better Grill

Books Titles Rejected by Publishers

  1. Ventriloquism for Dummies
  2. Gas Stations and Restaurants: Are They Both Filling Stations?
  3. “I’m Spending My Children’s Inheritance and They Don’t Even Know It.”
  4. The Creepy Widow Who Spends Way too Much Time with Her Dog
  5. Neanderthals in Our Midst: Dealing with People Who Say, “What I want to know is, why isn’t there a White History Month?”
  6. Betty White’s “Let’s Keep it Clean Seniors”: The Joy of Sponge Baths, The Sorrow of Walk-in Bathtubs

    Farmer Dave says, “Plow thru these titles.”
    Erudite Dave says, “Plough through these titles.”

  7. When I Pee Now, It Sounds Like Morse Code. Is that Bad? – Depends.
  8. Psychology Today’s “Anger Management.” (Chapters Include):
    1. This is bullsh*t! I only agreed to Binding Arbitration if they decided in my favor.
    2. I Love the Disabled, But 38 Empty Handicapped Parking Spaces Next to the Costco’s Entrance Isn’t Helping Anybody
    3. I Hate Myself and It’s Your Fault
  9. Marvel’s ElderHeroes: Tom Selleck and Joe Namath – Geriatric Overlords
  10. Trolling for Dates at Butcher Shops: Are they meat markets or meet markets? Do you want your beef tender or Tinder?
  11. Don’t Overthink It: When the alarm goes off, it’s just a morning wake-up call. Not a life-changing WAKE-UP call.
  12. Coping with Coping Saws
  13. I Just Know My Dog Thinks I’m Fat: What to do when Fido gets all judgey
  14. Model Homes Mischief. (Chapters include):
    1. Tour with a “partner” and become a member of the Walk-in Closet, Mile High Club.
    2. Unbolt the Master Bath Toilet Lid and Toss in a Couple of unwrapped Baby Ruths
    3. Tape a body outline on the laundry room linoleum floor. Add yellow “crime scene” tape and ketchup for a ghoulish flourish.
  15. Coming to Terms with the Q in LGBTQ. (Chapters include):
    1. What to do when your 8-year old son Lane says, “But dad, I like playing with dolls.”
    2. What to do when your 18-year old son Lane says, “But dad, these gender identity issues just won’t go away.”
    3. What to do when your 19-year old daughter Lanie says, “Hey dad, these gender identity issues have finally gone away.”
  16. Whirlpool’s How to Get Your Dishwasher Loaded. (Chapters include):
    1. Binge-washing with 90-proof Cascade
    2. Adding gin to the soap dispenser, vermouth to the rinse reservoir, and sticking a couple of olives on toothpicks in the silverware basket
  17. Inconvenient Truths: There is such a thing as “New Car Smell,” but there’s no such thing as “New Bus Smell.”
  18. People, It’s Time to Stop Grieving: The Beatles are not getting back together…At least not in this world
  19. Don’t Worry, It’s Just Peanut Butter.
  20. Is There Such Thing as New Train Smell? If Amtrak ever orders one, we may find out.
  21. Learning to Pass Time in Creative and Healthy Ways By Writing Lists of Rejected Books and Rambling On and On About How we’re All Absolutely Connected, But Just Don’t Realize It Right Now. Maybe Soon Though Because That’s the Way It Is. Peace and Love, Ringo

I can’t believe book #20 would be rejected. I’d read that. Sounds like a real page turner. BTW, my Literary Agent’s name is Paige Turner.

That is all.

 

The Dog Days of Summer…and Winter and Spring and Fall

(First paragraph to be read in a disbelieving Jerry Seinfeld voice) What’s the deal with dogs? They’re not family pets anymore. They’re more like cultural accessories their owners wear like Fitbits or tattoos. Except these tattoos bark, pee and hump. People have a right to self-expression, but couldn’t they express themselves without sniffing my crotch – and from behind while I’m in a checkout line. I mean who’s checking out who here? I don’t think the 2nd Amendment says anything about the right to bear dogs.

We Hold These Truths to be Self-evident

This should raise a few eyebrows. Humans have moved down a notch on the food chain. Increasingly sophisticated dogs are beginning to rule.

We all understand that dogs are man’s best friend. They’re loyal, companionable and mercifully uncomplicated. Their presence reminds us of who we’d all like to be – in the moment and unaware of consequences. Their job is to sit around and wait for our next great idea. And talk about exuding unconditional love – dogs do that in spades (and sometimes other suits). Dogs are playing with a full deck. Who isn’t enriched by the boundless enthusiasm for life dogs so heartily radiate? But there is such thing as too much of a good thing. And based on my sampling, I think we’ve reached that tipping point.

August 26th has been set aside as National Dog Day. Now every dog truly does have its day. We’ve grown too dog-centric. Dogs belong at home or at a dog park or in a car anxiously looking out the window, believing they’ve been abandoned again, for the 437th time. You’d think by the 436th time they’d get it. Dogs don’t have to be seamlessly incorporated into the lifestyle of their owner, but they permeate everything now – like bad cologne. Isn’t going bye-bye enough for these canines. Do they have to be in the delivery room too? – “Breathe honey. It’s going to be OK. Now come over here Daisy girl and lick mommy’s face. Oh, this will make an epic Instagram post.” Read the rest of this entry »

The Honey Bucket Challenge

Perfuming the World with a Potpourri of Applied Madness

  1. Man’s Rolex dies an untimely death. He’s in denial stating, “Not on my watch.”
  2. I’ve always marveled at the work of the Early Impressionists: Frank Gorshin, Rich Little and of course Claude Monet. Gorshin imitated Kirk Douglas, Rich Little mimicked Nixon and Monet did a fabulous impression of various Lily’s.
  3. You decide: Is this a Ghoulish Idea, or a Humane Method of eliminating miscarriages of justice? – Instead of the death penalty, guilty parties will be sentenced to life in a medically-induced coma. That way if exonerating evidence surfaces, the comatose prisoner can be revived, given a really big apology, and sent back into society with a crisp C-note and a new suit.

    Can you tell I was a Caesarean?

  4. For the Legume Identificatory Challenged: I accidentally bought Crunchy Peanut Butter. Again. I hate when that happens. Couldn’t the Crunchy jar realize my imbecility and announce: “Hey Stupid! I’m the crunchy one. Put me back. The smooth one is right next to me. It says ‘Smooth’ on the label.”
  5. Uncommon reactions to the COVID Vaccine (contraindications):
    1. SleepFarting – A nighttime side effect similar to Sleepwalking, but much, much gassier. The clinical term for this affliction is SNFS – Spontaneous Nocturnal Flatulence Syndrome. It’s also known by its more grittier street name: Trigger-Happy Blowhole. These emissions can be startlingly louder and exponentially stinkier than simple snoring. It’s a 2-pronged attack on the senses of your spouse: their ears and their nose. A spouse will not only have to wear earplugs, but also a gas mask in order to neutralize their lovable little stinker. Ironically, SleepFarting leaves the calmly snoozing instigator, fuming.
    2. 180° Knee: A rare but troublesome side effect whereby the knees start to bend the other way. The problem arises when the sufferer doesn’t know whether they’re coming or going.
    3. SCS – Sistine Chapel Syndrome: Whereby the newly vaccinated develop an insatiable need to paint the ceiling of their bedroom with scenes of empyrean splendor
    4. HHS – Hugh Hefner Syndrome: Whereby the newly vaccinated develop an insatiable need to put mirrors on the ceiling so they may watch scenes of Sodom and Gomorrah
  6. Love this John Mullaney line: “Growing up, I always thought quicksand would be more of a problem.”
  7. Former NBA star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has been hit in the head 333 times by low-hanging ceiling fan blades. Two times by low-flying airplanes and once by an angel, he didn’t know, could fly, so low. That angel was Phyllis Diller.
  8. The poor guy has no luck with money. He put all his life savings in a cloud bank. Then the sun came out and it evaporated. He should’ve saved for a rainy day. This is the same guy who thinks Bitcoin is something you do to your money to make sure it’s not filled with chocolate.
  9. The guy has no luck with women. In fact, he can’t even get a date from a date tree – or a hand job from a palm tree. He has, however, gotten really good cone from a pine tree.
  10. Charles “Lucky” Lindbergh flew his aero plane wearing an old-fashioned leather helmet. It’s true. You can Goggle it – the helmet that is. You can also Google his goggles. And if you’re a fan of Lady Gaga, you can Google Gaga. I luv baby talk.
  11. I found out the hard way that drinkable SPF doesn’t work because you apply it “where the sun don’t shine.” Spray-on Gatorade doesn’t work either. But spray-on Gatorade is an effective birth control because if you do use spray-on Gatorade, no woman will come near you.
  12. Why does the butler get his own his own pantry? It’s not fair. Butlers have got it maid.
  13. Overheard in little Timmy’s tree fort: “How come nothing’s as fun as I used to think it was.”
  14. Everyday you’re supposed to be grateful for the majesty of life. And I am. Immensely. But y’know eventually you pass on and there’s nothing left to feel grateful for every day. Is it enough to think so short term about gratitude? Is there some bigger picture I should have even more gratitude for now? Let me know. Signed, SleepFarter in Seattle.
  15. Great sages have eminently declared: “The truth does not require your belief.” And yet I wonder if that’s true.
  16. J’ever have one of those days where for some reason, you have to take your socks on and off like 8 times? Neither have I. If I ever did have an experience like that I think it would knock my socks off.  
  17. I don’t want to “power through” anything anymore. I’d rather “path of least resistance through” things. Well maybe I could manage to power through the Bottomless Pasta Bowl at the Olive Garden or the Bottomless Stage Show at a Gentlemen’s Club
  18. These 2 carnivores walk into a salad bar. The vegtender says, “We don’t get a lot of carnivores around here.” And the meat eaters say, “And at these prices you’re not going to get many more.”
  19. 2 Vegans walk into a slaughterhouse. The butcher says, “We don’t get a lot of vegans around here.” And the vegans say, “This is quite a plant you’ve got here.”
  20. We join this discount joke already in progress: 2 sets of Siamese twins walk into a walk-in closet and say, “We should really split.” And the closet-tender says, “I can give you half off.” And the Siamese twins say, “Perfect because we can only pay you 50% each.”
  21. Consciousness is: The felt presence of immediate experience. Stick that in your navel and contemplate it.

 

Surprising Facts About Aunt Bee

  1. She encouraged Andy to have “The Talk” with Opie after finding one of her bras tucked under the youngster’s pillow
  2. Baskin-Robbins revealed that Aunt Bee was the inspiration for its most popular flavor – Vanilla
  3. I remember fondly that first episode where she slowly descends into Mayberry while holding her umbrella in the air. That was Aunt Bee wasn’t it?
  4. To tame an unruly cowlick in Opie’s hair, she once used a dab of Gorilla Glue. It stayed down for all 8 seasons and remained down until Ron Howard went bald.
  5. Her torrid off-screen love affair with co-star Don Knotts produced 3 out-of-wedlock children whom the Brady’s quietly adopted and raised as their own – the youngest one in curls.
  6. At the ’36 Berlin Olympics, Aunt Bee won Gold in the Beecathlon

    “This is our worst church fundraiser ever.”

  7. Told that no-good Colonel Harlan Sanders, “I’ll see you in Hell” after he stole her secret fried chicken recipe featuring 11 herbs and spices
  8. Aunt Bee was all set to star in the lead role of “The Flying Nun” till that dimple-cheeked Sally Field swooped in and snatched it away.
  9. During rehearsals, she often wore her robe “loosely gathered” in the front. #CantUnseeIt #NippleHair
  10. Those Ritz Mock Apple Pies…Aunt Bee’s idea. She explained, “Oh dear, sometimes the apples at the Mayberry Market can be a little costly. Abe Mortimer, the produce manager, says he has to pay the same price for his apples as those Big City apples they sell in Raleigh. Well I say fiddlesticks. Who needs apples to make an apple pie?” Thus was born the Ritz Mock Apple Pie.

Fun Fact: Years later Andy Griffith would do TV commercials for Ritz Crackers. Remember Andy declaring in his soothing southern drawl: “Everything tastes great, when it sits on a Ritz. Mmmm, good cracker, good cracker.”  And come to think of it, for a southerner, Andy was a good Cracker.  

  1. Andy was never more embarrassed than when Opie asked, “Paw, how come whenever Aunt Bee drops her purse it starts to vibrate?”
  2. Aunt Bee did not use a stunt double in the ghoulish Twilight Zone episode where vengeful little Billy Mummy transforms her into a tumbleweed as punishment for not letting him watch cartoons. In the chilling final scene we hear a howling wind blowing, and off in the distance we see her spherically-bloated body come tumbling into view as she uncontrollably cartwheels across a dark highway. And when she skitters past we hear her wailing desperately: “Oh Andy! Do something Andy!”
  3. Not only was she the inspiration for Baskin-Robbins vanilla flavor, but her down-home Southern cooking also inspired Campbell’s to introduce 3 new soups: Cream of Whiteness, Caucasian Chowder and Confederate Wedding Soup
  4. In “The Dangling Bee” episode, after completing a bungee jump challenge to raise money for the church’s new fiberglass cross, we see an unruffled and composed Aunt Bee dangling upside down at the end of her rope – her bonnet is intact and she’s still clutching her plain black purse in her delicate white gloves.

Witnessing this, her fellow Mayberrite George “Goober” Lindsay remarked, “Dang, if that Aunt Bee don’t beat all. She’s outta this world. Like one-those ass-tro-nauts.”

  1. From 1968 on, whenever setting her table, she quietly showed her solidarity with the Black Panther movement by placing a copy of Eldridge Cleaver’s “Soul on Ice” on its own doily, next to the dinner rolls
  2. While working at a Speakeasy during the Jazz Age, she lost a bar bet to fellow-flapper Bea Arthur. She carried her “Keep Cool with Coolidge” tattoo with her to the grave. Back in those heady times she and Ms. Arthur were very active and known as the Busy B’s.
  3. On sultry Mayberry days, Aunt Bee would often pull down the blinds and do her housework in a G-string. And this article also was later found tucked under Opie’s pillow.
  4. Who can ever forget the macabre Halloween episode “What’s That in Aunt Bee’s Bonnet?” While he’s dressing her hair for the Women’s Auxiliary Ball (whatever that is), Floyd the Barber discovers that the flower in Aunt Bee’s trademark bonnet…is actually growing out of her head! Egad! He quietly trims the offending blossom, presses it between his Bible and it is never spoken of again.
  5. Aunt Bee once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die
  6. Did you know that Aunt Bee invented the “Polo” response feature to the popular pool game of “Marco Polo?” At least now the game makes some sense. Before she invented the “Polo” response feature, kids in the pool would just randomly yell out “Marco” in a pointless stream of unanswered queries. Poolside loungers thought these kids had some kind of aquatic Tourette’s Syndrome. Sad really. But now, thanks to Aunt Bee, adults hoping to relax by the pool get to hear a cluster of 15 “Marco…Polos” shrieked in rapid succession. Un Florida the game is played “Marco” “Rubio.”
  7. Let It Bee! Beatle fans everywhere believe that if Aunt Bee had met John Lennon before he met Yoko, the Beatles would’ve broken up even sooner.
  8. Mayberry fans can easily chart Opie’s meteoric growth in relation to Aunt Bee. In the episode entitled “Opie’s Big Spurt” the boy hits puberty right before our very eyes. This coming-of-age episode begins in B&W where we see a cuddly Opie barely coming up to his Aunt Bee’s unpadded shoulders. But by the show’s end he’s shaving, he’s 5’8” and he’s in color. When Opie (Ron Howard) hits puberty we can only wonder – can Happy Days be far away?
  9. Aunt Bee never had a tan line…that she knows of. She did, however, have to explain her “Keep Cool with Coolidge” tattoo a few times – mostly to people who’d never heard of this Calvin Coolidge fellow.  
  10. An unaired episode scripted by Lillian Hellman was entitled “What’s in Aunt Bee’s Closet.” In this revealing episode we witness a deeply suppressed side of the caring and conflicted aunt. At the monthly quilting bee held in the church vestry, everyone is quietly attending to the patriotically-themed quilt. Suddenly Aunt Bee is overcome by a spasm of wanton lust. She throws down her needles, rushes to Helen Crump and plants a hard kiss, flush on her fellow-quilter’s lips. When a bewildered Helen drops her quilting blocks and recoils in shock, Aunt Bee laughs-off the whole thing and chalks it up to: “Oh me, I guess all that homemade marmalade I ate this morning had fermented.” In an alternative ending Helen returns Aunt Bee’s affections and they go out and buy a Subaru.  
  11. True fact (not that the others weren’t, but this one is “truly” true): Ronny Howard stayed in regular touch with the aged and caring spinster until her death in Siler, NC in 1989.
  12. In later years it would be discovered that Aunt Bee (Frances Bavier) was a Bodhisattva. An enlightened being returned to Earth to relieve suffering by soothing the jangled nerves of a restive nation unable to grasp the proximity of divine consciousness. Such humble self-sacrifice. Such noble sentiments. We salute you Aunt Bee. For without your exemplary presence, we might all be skittering across the dark and lonely highway of life lamenting, “Oh Andy! Do something Andy!”

Goodnight sweet Bee.