Posts Tagged ‘titles’

Rejected Romance Novel Titles

  1. Eat, Pray, Spooj
  2. Really? You’d Let Me Do That to You
  3. When I Pretend You’re Someone Else I Love You Even More
  4. You Slay Me: Especially Your Morning Breath
  5. The Passionate Prenup
  6. I Love It When We’re Dancing Cheek to Cheek. Can I Specify Which Cheeks?
  7. I Said “Get in my Volvo” not My Vulva


The Not So Good Ones

  1. The Telltale Vibrator
  2. Truly: It’s Not Your Smell, It’s My Nose
  3. The Tunnel of Love is Paved with Good Intentions
  4. Necromancy in the Time of COVID: You’re Dead to Me

Books Titles Rejected by Publishers

  1. Ventriloquism for Dummies
  2. Gas Stations and Restaurants: Are They Both Filling Stations?
  3. “I’m Spending My Children’s Inheritance and They Don’t Even Know It.”
  4. The Creepy Widow Who Spends Way too Much Time with Her Dog
  5. Neanderthals in Our Midst: Dealing with People Who Say, “What I want to know is, why isn’t there a White History Month?”
  6. Betty White’s “Let’s Keep it Clean Seniors”: The Joy of Sponge Baths, The Sorrow of Walk-in Bathtubs

    Farmer Dave says, “Plow thru these titles.”
    Erudite Dave says, “Plough through these titles.”

  7. When I Pee Now, It Sounds Like Morse Code. Is that Bad? – Depends.
  8. Psychology Today’s “Anger Management.” (Chapters Include):
    1. This is bullsh*t! I only agreed to Binding Arbitration if they decided in my favor.
    2. I Love the Disabled, But 38 Empty Handicapped Parking Spaces Next to the Costco’s Entrance Isn’t Helping Anybody
    3. I Hate Myself and It’s Your Fault
  9. Marvel’s ElderHeroes: Tom Selleck and Joe Namath – Geriatric Overlords
  10. Trolling for Dates at Butcher Shops: Are they meat markets or meet markets? Do you want your beef tender or Tinder?
  11. Don’t Overthink It: When the alarm goes off, it’s just a morning wake-up call. Not a life-changing WAKE-UP call.
  12. Coping with Coping Saws
  13. I Just Know My Dog Thinks I’m Fat: What to do when Fido gets all judgey
  14. Model Homes Mischief. (Chapters include):
    1. Tour with a “partner” and become a member of the Walk-in Closet, Mile High Club.
    2. Unbolt the Master Bath Toilet Lid and Toss in a Couple of unwrapped Baby Ruths
    3. Tape a body outline on the laundry room linoleum floor. Add yellow “crime scene” tape and ketchup for a ghoulish flourish.
  15. Coming to Terms with the Q in LGBTQ. (Chapters include):
    1. What to do when your 8-year old son Lane says, “But dad, I like playing with dolls.”
    2. What to do when your 18-year old son Lane says, “But dad, these gender identity issues just won’t go away.”
    3. What to do when your 19-year old daughter Lanie says, “Hey dad, these gender identity issues have finally gone away.”
  16. Whirlpool’s How to Get Your Dishwasher Loaded. (Chapters include):
    1. Binge-washing with 90-proof Cascade
    2. Adding gin to the soap dispenser, vermouth to the rinse reservoir, and sticking a couple of olives on toothpicks in the silverware basket
  17. Inconvenient Truths: There is such a thing as “New Car Smell,” but there’s no such thing as “New Bus Smell.”
  18. People, It’s Time to Stop Grieving: The Beatles are not getting back together…At least not in this world
  19. Don’t Worry, It’s Just Peanut Butter.
  20. Is There Such Thing as New Train Smell? If Amtrak ever orders one, we may find out.
  21. Learning to Pass Time in Creative and Healthy Ways By Writing Lists of Rejected Books and Rambling On and On About How we’re All Absolutely Connected, But Just Don’t Realize It Right Now. Maybe Soon Though Because That’s the Way It Is. Peace and Love, Ringo

I can’t believe book #20 would be rejected. I’d read that. Sounds like a real page turner. BTW, my Literary Agent’s name is Paige Turner.

That is all.


Things One Should Not Wonder About: Rolling Stones Songs Translated from Chinese

Rolling Stones at height of Popularity - about 5'10" or 5'11"

The Rolling Stones at their height of popularity – about 5’10” or 5’11”

What if the Rolling Stones had been a Chinese band and their Mandarin Chinese publicist was tasked with translating their Chinese song names into the American idiom? This is what those song titles might look like alongside their more familiar title:

  1. Gratification (I am Unable to Obtain) No, No, No           Satisfaction
  2. Copulation and Pharmaceuticals and Sway & Twist      Sex and Drugs and Rock & Roll
  3. Impress Upon the Authorities, I’m an Alienated Youth   Virtually any Stones song           
  4. Ignite Me (I’ll Continue Ceaselessly)                              Start Me Up
  5. Chronology is a Champion of My Cause                        Time is on My Side
  6. Beneath My Opposable Digit                                          Under My Thumb
  7. We Celebrate Our Boorish Behavior                              Any Stones song
  8. I’m Aware of our Music (And I Enjoy It)                          It’s only Rock and Roll (But I Like It)
  9. Tiny Matriarchal Abettor                                                 Mother’s Little Helper        
  10. We Choose to Rebel in an Anti-social Manner              Any Stones Song
  11. A Sleepover – For Us, You Think?                                Let’s Spend the Night Together
  12. Yu-Lin                                                                            Angie
  13. Darkness for All to Share                                              Paint it Black and Sympathy for the Devil
  14. Many Numerous Anxieties Deconstruct Me                  19th Nervous Breakdown
  15. Hoochie Koochie Lady Girl                                            Honky Tonk Woman
  16. Chevaux Sauvages                                                       Wild Horses (Sung in French)
  17. Jumpin’ Jack Flash                                                       Jumpin’ Jack Flash
  18. Thank God It’s Friday                                                    Ruby Tuesday
  19. Sweet, Sweet and Almost Black                                   Brown Sugar
  20. Altocumulus Standing Lenticular Banishment               Get Off of My Cloud
  21. The Mighty Oxen Doth Plow for Us                               Beast of Burden
  22. I Demand Quarters                                                        Gimme Shelter
  23. Your Choice, Sometime No Can Do                              You Can’t Always Get What You Want

Thank you masses of fans. And these Cascading Down Pebbles of Various Sizes (The Rolling Stones) have played music for you long time. Over 50 years now. I am being enjoying them too. We hope to visit your walled cities soon and perhaps group sing without hypo-allergenic face mask. All goodness to you ~ Yao Zhen-Foo, Publicist for Cascading Down Pebbles of Various Sizes.


Look for my next installment in the Things One Should Not Wonder About, when I discuss people who speak sign language with an accent. All Goodness to You ~ David Hardiman