Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

Slip Sliding Away − The 2018 Winter Olympics

The Winter Olympics are to the Summer Olympics what Arena Football is to the NFL. And while I hope everyone enjoys the Winter Olympics, I’m going to pay about as much attention to them as I do Arena Football’s Cleveland Gladiators. It’s remarkable there’s so much interest in the Winter Olympics considering the entire wintry spectacle is based on nothing more than sliding. Sliding around on some form of frozen water. In actuality there are really just two events – sliding on skis and sliding on skates. And if you think about it, there’s really just one event because skates are just very small skis used for sliding.

 

And somehow from this singular principle of controlled sliding the Olympic Committee has concocted 102 distinct events, all involving doing something unique while sliding around on frozen H2O. And they’re even awarding medals depending on how fast, accurately or artistically you can control your sliding. Countries take this very seriously and spend a lot of money sending their best sliders to the Olympics. It’s contagious really. For example guess what the most popular menu item is at the Olympic Village cafeteria? – Sliders. 

 

The XXIII Winter Olympics are being held in Pyeongchang, South Korea, which is not to be confused with Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea. And hopefully never to be confused with pying pyong, which is what I believe they call table tennis in Korea.   Read the rest of this entry »

Girl Scout Cookie Sales Triple as Scouts Target Medical Marijuana Dispensaries

Girl Scouts of America’s proposed new logo.

Girl Scouts of America (GSA) have taken what was traditionally a little charitable bake sale and transformed it into a sophisticated glucose delivery system. Frantic sales scenes like the following have been reported all across America as a kind of cookie-mania has swept over our nations medical marijuana dispensaries.

 

Near the entrance to Pot Shots in Portland, OR, 9-year old Becky Galvin was all dressed up in her freshly pressed Girl Scout uniform when she looked up at red-eyed Eddie Miller and observed, “You look like you could use a box of my Thin Mints.”

“How much for a box,” blurted-out a fidgety Mr. Miller?

A match made in marketing heaven.

“Five dollars sir,” politely answered Becky.

“I’ll take 20.” Mr. Miller quickly tossed a C-note on the portable plastic table Mrs. Galvin had purchased recently at Costco and in the span of 2 minutes, 19 boxes were loaded into the meshed netting of his 2008 Honda Element. He reserved one box for his personal use in the front seat.

“This box’ll be empty before I ever get home,” Mr. Miller remarked before mistakenly wishing Becky good luck on her new religion.    Read the rest of this entry »

On Eating Tide Pods: What Americans are Saying

  1.  I like mine with a Downy Fabric Softener chaser

    Way better than candy corn, these colorful chemical compounds get your bowels surprisingly clean. Now with lemon-freshened phosphates.

  2. Beats eating clumping cat litter – that’s really stupid.
  3. Looks good on a resume: if you’re trying to get into a loony bin.
  4. Allowed me to say to my girlfriend, “Yeah, well who’s cool now?”
  5. It’s financially rewarding. I won a $20 bar bet. So what if it cost $3400 in emergency room bills. 
  6. 4 out of 5 dentists agree: It is the cheapest way to whiten your teeth. (the 5th one recommends brushing with bleach).
  7. Who needs Mentos and Coke when you’ve got Tide Pods?
  8. Some see deadly chemical compounds. I see bright and shiny Halloween candy.
  9. After eating one I like to get very agitated. That way you can really work it through your system.
  10. When all is eaten and done, at least you get a free anal bleaching. It left my poop chute sparklingly clean and daisy fresh…from what I was told. 
  11. Proctor & Gamble has had Tide Pods designated as a vegetable and therefore eligible for school lunches programs
  12. What better way to tell the world you’re a certifiable moron.
  13. Nutritionist warn it’s not a good idea to eat Tide Pods, however they do agree it’s a good source of dietary borax.
  14. From Young Sheldon: How can you not deny the pleasure of ingesting non-ionic surfactants?

My Gift to You: Yelp Reviews of Space Tourism Flights from the Year 2031

A sliver of the future: Space Tourism. It’s what’s for dinner.

Be here now. You here it all the time. Be in the moment – that’s where it’s at. And while I don’t doubt the merit in being “present,” I also believe in expanding my awareness to include the future. To that end I’ve spent years practicing techniques that allow me to slither through cosmic wormholes and experience the future. I’ve become quite adept at it and sometimes I experience the future like there’s no tomorrow (so to speak). Unfortunately the interdimensional gatekeepers prevent time travelers like me from bringing back any of the good stuff. Instead I’m relegated to one duty-free keepsake memory from the future. After declaring this approved memory from a list of duty-free recollections, I then take it through cosmic customs and happily report it back to you in the present. And although it isn’t particularly earth-shattering or enlightening unto itself, this unique keepsake memory  does provide enough clues (much like a Sudoku puzzle) to allow one to fill in the blanks and perhaps imagine the society of 2031 in its entirety derived only from the scant evidence I’m allowed to present. If you can collate, extrapolate and percolate (as in drinking lots of coffee while trying to figure it out), you may be able to fully grasp the world of the future from the meager clues offered herein: as in this case Yelp reviews of space tourism flights. 

So without further fanfare or ado (could fanfare and ado be the same thing?), I’m mightily pleased to present to you my gift of Yelp space tourism reviews from the future.

 

5 Stars: Princess Space Cruise Lines

OK, first of all if I could give them 6 Stars I would. Princess dazzled me. What Princess Cruise Lines does on water they also do in the vacuum of space. Whether it was the unlimited Chilean sea bass (sustainably caught and ethically processed) at the seafood buffet or listening to 95-year-old Engelbert Humperdinck (also sustainably caught and ethically processed) sing his greatest hits in business class, Princess has managed to seamlessly extend their festive seaborne experience into a special airborne experience until eventually it becomes an unforgettable vacuum borne experience. And dare I say it: This vacuum does not suck. Read the rest of this entry »

Could I Be My Own Ancestor?: A Reincarnation Snafu Explained

That’s a lot of eggs.
Oh, that’s just some of your your lifetimes lived and unlived.

George Grossman died of natural causes at the age of 33 – if you consider being struck by a meteor as “natural.” George’s bewildering demise occurred while he was racing to the hospital to witness the delivery of his second child who would turn out to be a son named Jake. Many years later fatherless Jake (his mother Shirley never remarried) grew up longing for the father he never knew. Upon his death, Jake vowed to seek out his deceased father in the afterworlds. And one day it came to pass that Jake actually did pass, and upon ascending to the vault of heaven was pleased to see his long since deceased sister Kelly, his mother Shirley and a few family pets all waiting for him in a gauzy meadow. But where was dad? He’d waited his entire life for this moment and dad was a no show.

“What gives, Jake exclaimed? “Where’s dad,” he lamented in the ethereal waviness of the afterlife?

Just then a Yoda-ish guardian angel appeared and explained to Jake that when his father George died (meteor to the head), George’s soul was placed in the body of his son Jake Grossman.

“You mean…” Jake gasped.

“Yes, you’ve had sex with your mother. But don’t freak out because she was your loving wife at the time. Oedipal complexes aside, I’m here to tell you that you are your own father. That’s why he didn’t show up in the afterlife despite your life long yearnings. Now Jake, this rarely happens in the reincarnation business I superintend, but consider this from my perspective. You had just been born and you had also just died, and there was no time to implement the usual protocols so we took a short cut and played fast and loose with the code of interdimensional reincarnation birthing procedures and placed your soul in your son’s body. I hope you’re not too upset.

“As a reward for enduring our production snafu, in your next lifetime we’re allowing you to get in line twice when they pass out brains – or any other organ you may want to double in size. You’re also scheduled to inherit the handsome gene from your mother’s side,” explained the Soul Ombudsman. And with that crude gesture of frontier reincarnation justice, the little oracle evanesced into the ethers.

Just before whooshing into his new earth body, the soul of Jake Grossman was advised to: learn his life lessons, recognize his divinity and transcend the wheel of reincarnation. Achieving the first two would allow for the 3rd item thereby providing him the key to the password protected speakeasy and allow his soul to reassume its rightful place in the rapture more popularly known as God’s After Party.

 

Rejected State Tourism Brochures

Every state endeavors to generate tourism dollars through ambitious marketing programs. But sometimes these promotions miss the mark. Witness these botched attempts at stimulating tourism through well-intentioned, but ultimately misguided brochures:

  1. Colorado: Thanks to Recently Enacted Marijuana Laws Denver is Now the 2-Mile High City

    If you’re a generic tourist going nowhere in particular, you might like this nondescript and vacuous travel guide. Meanwhile But if you want to go some place check out these travel brochures some states probably wish they never created in the first place.

  2. New Mexico: The Land of Entrapment
  3. New Mexico: Come for the Radiation. Stay for the ‘Shrooms
  4. Maryland: We’re Trying. Really. Please Don’t Judge Us by Baltimore
  5. Wyoming: Live Rectangular or Die
  6. Florida: America’s Dangling Body Part
  7. Michigan: Good Mitten, Bad Mitten
  8. California: The Land of Fruits & Nuts
  9. California: Ignoring Sexual Harassment from 1850 until 2017
  10. Delaware: We’re Anti-paranoid. We think everyone is trying to ignore us.
  11. Arkansas: Our “kansas” isn’t pronounced like Kansas’s “Kansas”
  12. New Jersey: America’s Lymph System Since 1940
  13. Alaska: Our Most Northern, Western and Eastern State – Google It
  14. Indiana: Who’s yer state?
  15. Washington: Home to Boing, Tinysoft and Barstucks
  16. Mississippi: “When yer standin’ on yer head, we’re number 1 in everything!”
  17. Mississippi: Still leading the nation in outhouses per capita
  18. Mississippi: More Potable Water than Ethiopia and Way More Paved Roads than Bangladesh
  19. Mississippi: Separate and Equal Drinking Fountains for Each and Every Minority
  20. Connecticut: “Even we don’t know why there’s a second ‘c’ in our name and we live here”
  21. Illinois: Land of Lincoln, Air of Jersey, Water of Flint
  22. Alabama: Thank God We’ve Got College Football
  23. Louisiana: “Have you visited us lately? We’re barely part of the United States.”
  24. Texas: Too Big to fail. We’re just underachieving instead.
  25. Texas: At Least We’ve Got Austin
  26. Oklahoma: Unchanged since 1907
  27. Oklahoma: Unchanged since the Big Bang
  28. Oklahoma: Come and Watch Time Stand Still
  29. Oklahoma: We have a city named Enid – need we say more?
  30. Missouri: The Blow Me State
  31. Wisconsin: We’ve Lost Our Minds, Come Find Yours
  32. Wisconsin: “I don’t care how inefficient they are; can we please go back to the one kind of regular screw in light bulb?”…and other pleas against modernity in the lighting industry.
  33. Kansas: What Wisconsin Said

Read the rest of this entry »

Hipsters Continue to Expand the Meaning of “Cool”

The siren call of microbrewed grains knows no bounds. Thank you for your service little yeast creatures.

We, the privileged gentry, have become a sophisticated lot. We no longer drink a cup of Joe. We imbibe a half-caff soy latte purchased with Apple Pay at a drive-thru window while listening to Enya in our self-driving Teslas. We don’t smoke anymore. We vape or grow hipper still in hookah lounges. And we certainly don’t swill beer from inelegant pop top cans. Instead we quaff artisanal craft beers in boutique microbreweries while pretending to enjoy Manchester United’s 1 – nil football match played on the pitch at Portsmouth.

And that’s our jumping off point. No, not English soccer, but the American craft beer craze. Amidst a flood of competing suds, many are good, some are great and a few are outstanding – not for their herbaceous bouquets or notes of barley malt, but for the eccentric names they’ve appended to their particular brew. Bursting with foamy delight, these quirky and sometimes pretentious names enhance the ordinary experience of drinking fermented cereal grains from an outsized tankard. In a charmingly retro way we’re captivated by these arresting monikers. A kind of appellation chic has taken hold (this is not to be confused with the grunge clothing fad of the 90’s known as Appalachian Chic). It seems we’re intoxicated by both our foamy beers and their frothy names.

So between reading Cigar Aficionado Magazine and visiting my esophageal oncologist, I’ve compiled a list of these jaunty and kitschy names and present them below:

  1. Sierra Fail Ale
  2. Downward God: Dyslexics Delight
  3. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Urine
  4. Twist and Stout
  5. A Larger Lager
  6. McConaughey’s Alright, Alright, Alright
  7. Finally Got My GED
  8. Not Quite Blotto
  9. Olde English Cockblocker
  10. Yeast of All Evils
  11. And I’m Drinking This Warm Yellow Fluid Because…?
  12. McBeer
  13. Yup, Passed My High School Equivalency Exam (a sister brew to Finally Got My GED)
  14. Wasted Away Again in My Mother’s Basement

It has been said by critics more attuned to the zeitgeist than I, that you can never be too thin, too rich or too hip. They’re wrong of course, but that’s what they say.

 

Amazon’s Worst-Selling Books

  1. Thank You for Your Service: A Shout Out to Crash Test Dummies
  2. “I Didn’t Sign Up for This”: Complaints by People Who Signed-up for Things They No Longer Like
  3. The Politicization of Baloney: The Right Claims It, But Isn’t it Really a Left-Wing Meat?
  4. Are Toadstools and Frogchairs the Same Thing?
  5. Coping with Coping Saws
  6. Not in My Backyard: A Short History of Above Ground Pools
  7. Too Many Colons::::: A Tubular History of Diacritical Marks
  8. “Absolutely no one in my entourage may ever take drugs.” “Hello, Offshore Pharmacy, send me 1000 vials of Fentanyl.” The Hypocrisy of Prince in a Book Title that Doesn’t Even Fit on the Book Cover
  9. Dan Quayle: Not Looking So Bad These Days
  10. George W Bush: Oh How We Miss Thee
  11. Joseph Stalin: No, He Still Sucks
  12. Old School: A Misplaced Appreciation of When Things Were Even Stupider
  13. Having Said That: Things that People Have Already Said
  14. “No, not quite. The cheese itself isn’t grilled. The bread surrounding the cheese is.”: The Genesis of the Grilled Cheese Sandwich
  15. Harvey Weinstein’s Prison Experience: “OK. Enough. I get it! Can I please leave?”
  16. How Grover Cleveland Got His Groove Back and Other Stories of Presidential Redemption
  17. Subway Franchisees: They’re Not All From India
  18. “No, not Cool-aid, but Kool-Aid.” How an Intentional Misspelling Made Kraft a Fortune
  19. Google to Partner with Titleist to Research Self-driving Golf Balls (Really a headline and not a book. So sue me.)
  20. “Can I pay someone to do yoga for me?” and Other Questions from the Wealthy

Newly Hacked: 1st Draft of Harvey Weinstein’s Resignation Letter

Harvey Weinstein is so ugly that when he was born they slapped his mother.

This is the 1st draft of embattled producer Harvey Weinstein’s resignation letter. “Embattled” meaning he’s guilty of whatever it is he’s battling. Mr. Weinstein’s letter was obtained before his female defense lawyer had an opportunity to sanitize it for public consumption. Loutish schmucks like Weinstein always hire a female lawyer to perfume their transgressions with a sense of “this will never happen again and see, even a girl supports me.” And many of these lady lawyers are happy to turn the tables on these serial schemers by becoming the fig leaf for their ill deeds at $1700 an hour plus expenses. It’s poetic justice really; whereby the guy who took coercive advantage of women is now being similarly taken advantage of by a woman. Through the Freedom of Information Act I obtained Mr. Weinstein’s 1st draft (alright I got it from Igor my Russian IT hacker) and disclose it here in the hopes readers will marvel at its’ self-centered obliviousness.

 

Dearest Friends, Colleagues and that tattletale Gwyneth Paltrow,

On this somber occasion when I’ve been caught with my pants down and my robe open, it pains me to announce my resignation from Weinstein Productions (a division Casting Couch Industries). You can imagine my disappointment in having to step down from such a carefully crafted female trap that took me decades to perfect. It wasn’t easy forging a foolproof method where an inflated, hairy ogre like myself was able to take advantage of some of Hollywood’s most vulnerable beauties – before they had any leverage in the business. People should know that for every woman who rebuffed my “offers of love” another 3 quietly submitted to them. So in my mind I’m batting like .750. Those are Hall of Fame numbers – not bad for a graceless toad from Queens who women wouldn’t bother with if, instead of being a powerful Hollywood mogul, I was a pinsetter at an Amish bowling alley. But for now it’s all over and it’s back to escort services and massage parlors for me while I pretend to get the help I don’t want.   Read the rest of this entry »

Way Too Much Information about Celebrity White Noise Marketing

Soothing White Noise” It’s what’s for dinner bedtime.

Celebrities trade on their famousness. It’s a commodity of recognition easily monetized courtesy of the endorsement market and the underlying calculus often plays out like this: “Me like that person. If me imitate, me become like them. Then happy.”

 

Now, let’s cut to the idea of where Ambien’s magic ends, and white noise sleep-inducing sounds begin. At the intersection of sleep aids and insomnia is where celebrities’ agents (who get 10% of their client spoils) see an opportunity to interpose their client’s good name between the desperate need for sleep and white background noises designed to promote glorious slumber. So an unlikely marketing scheme is hatched: White Background Noises created by celebrities for their adoring civilian fans. It’s a match made in Tinsel Town heaven. It’s a kind of fan fiction for the fatuous.

 

However well-intentioned this scam was, clinical sleep studies with zealous fans proved that not all celebrity white noises were found to be soporific. Far from the sleep-inducing mantras hoped for, some of these narcotizing sound bites, bit back and inadvertently activated the arousal response in sleepy males test subjects – especially when they heard a loop of sultry-voiced Angelina Jolie cooing “What are you wearing.” After this unintentional “ear porn” the sleep-deprived males perked right up and snoozing somehow didn’t seem so important. This and other streams of counterproductive white background noises were excluded from the app, but they can be heard on bootleg versions of the app found on YouTube.

 

So even though it’s 4 in the morning (in Darwin, Australia, not here in Reno where I am), I’m pleased to present:   

 

 

Top 10 Rejected White Noise Sleep Sounds created by celebrities for sleepless fans:

 

  1. A loop of Tom Petty admitting to the people of Syria, “Well, maybe you do have to live like a refugee”

 

  1. An endless loop of Steve Perry just singing the “Don’t Stop” part

 

  1. Misty morning rain…bouncing off Tatum Channing’s abs or was it Channing Tatum’s pecs. Or maybe it was Carol Channing’s cheeks or Tatum O’Neal’s teeth. The point is it involved rain, a celebrity body part and it was rejected.

 

  1. The continuous sound of Tim McGraw and Faith Hill’s boots knocking 

 

  1. The repeated tooting of an “aah-oo-ga” horn…as blown by Monica Lewinsky

 

  1. Morgan Freeman intoning, “My, my, my.” (Apparently the dissonance of a black man making white noise caused subjects to grow bewildered instead of sleepy.)

 

  1. Yoko Ono imitating an air raid siren

 

  1. The soothing and secretive “hiss” of Tom Brady deflating a football

 

  1. The sound of Tina Turner privately dancing

 

  1. Marcel Marceau miming the words to “The Sound of Silence”

Read the rest of this entry »