Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category
Holy Sheet – Yes, It’s That Time of Year Already?
This year’s 3K Race is a must for all you Racists out there. Racists from all sorts of backgrounds are welcomed: be they White, Caucasian, Aryan or just plain Anglo-Saxon. You see with the Klan, it doesn’t really matter where you’re from as long as you’re, y’know …melanin deprived. In the words of Matthew McConaughey, “All white, all white, all white.”
So come rally ‘round the cross.
When: Friday the 13th January 2023
Where: Col. Judice’s Plantation in Ezra Swamp, Alabama
Length of Race: 3K – Run 1K at a time K-K-K
Activities: Run at 4, BBQ at 6. Cross burning to follow.
Note to Burning Man Fans: We know you like the cross burning, but we’re gonna ask y’all not to come this year until you better understand what we’re all about. As they say…not a good fit.
Press Release from the offices of our leader and Grand Cyclops, Harmer Gullet:
My Fellow Klan Members and Other Bigots,
If you love being a racist (and I’m pretty sure you do) have we got a 3K race for you. For obvious reasons 3K’s have always been the Klan’s sweet spot. It’s kinda like our Goldilocks distance.
Racists should note that for the first time our fundraising rally will be held at the Judice Plantation. Pre-Judice it was run at “Big” Ed Ott’s Manor aka BigOtt’s.
The Klan will use a portion of the funds raised to underwrite contour sheets for fashion-conscious Racinistas who don’t like to be seen in shapeless, billowing sheets. We try to keep up with the times and some of our snootier, Instagram Racinistas are quite particular in the sheets they wear. Heck some won’t even wear white after Labor Day. It’s a real problem at rallies.
The KKK reminds participants that anyone who runs in the race is, by definition, a racist. We will however, allow joggers – but they must be at least anti-Semitic. Participants are also reminded there’s a $35 entrance fee payable in cash or Confederate scrip.
New this year is the Marilyn Monroe “Seven Year Itch” station, where frisky lady Klanners can stand over a grate and have gusts of air blow their sheets above their waists just like naughty Marilyn did. Participants must wear show pants – no bareback and no men.
A barbecue and cross burning to follow. As always, BYOC (Bring Your Own Cross). And please remember to have your sheets treated with flame retardant spray before the BBQ – we don’t want a repeat of last year’s fiasco.
Well, that’s as best as I can tell you. I mean that’s asbestos, I can tell you.
I’m 3 Sheets to the Wind,
Grand Cyclops, Harmer Gullet
- Wilma Cantwell groaned to death after reading my pun: “I was going to write this list in Times New Roman font, but it’s really not my type.”
- In Compton, Dylan Barrett Browning was crushed to death in a vicious drive-by poetry slam. Investigators say there was no rhyme or reason to it.
- Swami Baba Ganouj died when, after an out-of-body experience, he couldn’t get back in to his body again. In 3 attempts he failed to identify all the bicycles in a cosmic Captcha Code and got locked out. Enjoy the Astral plane Baba.
In 1985 Sheena Loman was flabbergasted to death after sampling New Coke
- A Marilyn Monroe impersonator died when she tried to reenact the famous subway dress scene from The Seven Year Itch and an unexpectedly powerful burst of air from the subway grating lifted her and her billowing dress into the path of an oncoming bus.
- Finn Atwater died from being morbidly alphanumeric. Her Pinterest User Name was $5@H20 (“$5” = a fin and “@H20” = Atwater). RIP Finn.
- In 1952, the actress Rita Hayworth was instantly vaporized by paparazzi when they simultaneously took 22 glimmering shots of her. She was gone in a flash.
- Caleb Cushing of New York City turned to salt after accidentally seeing his grandmother doing naked hot yoga. He briefly became a pillar of the community – a salt pillar – till that same powerful burst of air that killed the Marilyn Monroe impersonator, blew Caleb to smithereens.
- Patrick Dunder, died when he was peering down a railroad track to make sure no train was coming and the barricade arm came down and conked him on the head.
- An absent-minded Grateful Deadhead dyed today when he realized he was wearing a white t-shirt. He tie-dyed.
While touring in Jerusalem, I got into a confusing conversation with my tour guides Said Abdullah and his brother Aviv.
I asked Said if people from Yemen were friendly.
Said said, “There are no enemy Yemeni. Any enmity with the Yemeni is cockamamie.”
Me: You’re sure there are no enemy Yemeni?
Said: Yemen, I’m Syrias.
Me: You’re Syrias? OK. Does your brother know about all this?
Said: No, but I plan to Tel Aviv.
Me: Interesting. Well allow me to Babylon. Did you know that when you tell a lie it’s “instant bull?”
Said: No. Istanbul is in Turkey.
Me: It is? I can’t keep my Bosporus Strait. Do you remember that Beatle song where they sing ♫Strawberry Fields Nothing Israel ♫?”
Said: Iraq my brain, but I don’t know that song. However I do know the Beatle song where they sing, ♫You say Dubai and I say Hello ♫.
Me: After this can we visit the pyramids in Egypt?
Said: Well we could go, or we Kuwait.
Me: What do you think of the pyramids at Giza?
Said: The pyramids are perfect, but the Sphinx stinx. See the thing of it is is israel wants us to stay.
Me: Is it true that when in Jerusalem you do as the Jerusalemanians do
Said: This Israeli true.
Me: What Israeli true?
Said: That we are not going to the pyramids. We went once and got ripped-off by a fellow tour guide – Egypt us.
Me: OK. I’m just glad the COVID scare is over. Da masks were Syria-sly bad.
Said: Yes. Damascus, Syrias.
Me: Oman. That Israeli true. Hey Said, what do you call someone’s father who works for Ziploc?
Said: That’s easy. Baghdad.
The birth rate would drop to 0
- You’d hear a lot more “Y’know, you remind me of somebody”
- People would be a lot nosier
- 10 Most Wanted Posters would generate a lot of false positives
- It would’ve been a lot easier to chisel Mount Rushmore
- Spice Girls a lot less popular
- In the TV show Streets of San Francisco, it’d be real hard to tell Karl Malden from Michael Douglas
- Stunt doubles would no longer have to hide their faces
- There’d be no cute Beatle
- Christianity in jeopardy. Worshipers would find it hard to pray to Karl Malden.
- We’d all have faces only a mother could love
- Porn industry would come to a screeching halt
- The Phantom of the Opera wouldn’t bother with a mask
- 90% of doctors would go into rhinoplasty.
- Stocks of facial recognition companies would tank
- The movie Titanic would definitely lose its edge
- Police sketch artists…out of business
- Interest in Kate Upton would drop significantly.
- And of course, Chuck Norris would still look like Chuck Norris
Imagine a world where every person, place or thing is named Ebenezer:
- Prince would become, the artist formerly known as Ebenezer
- Jeopardy questions suddenly a whole lot easier
- Determining sexual consent might be a problem: “Would you mind if I kissed you on the Ebenezer?”
- Wouldn’t have to worry about mispronouncing the city of Yuzhnoukrainsk in Mykolaiv Oblast…or any city in any Oblast
- Dinner parties would be tricky: “Would you please pass the Ebenezer”
- Hey Jude becomes Hey Ebenezer
- The horse that guy rode through the desert on that he thought had no name…Ebenezer
- The answer to the song’s question Say my name, Say my name…Ebenezer
- Chuck Norris… Still Chuck Norris
- In Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” Tiny Tim would become Tiny Ebenezer
- The phrase “We can’t cater to every Tom Dick and Harry,” becomes ”We can’t cater to every Ebenezer Ebenezer and Ebenezer.”
- Wasted away again in Ebenezerville
- That Paul Simon song “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” would have to be seriously reworked.
- Consumer reports would always recommend Ebenezer brand
- While lovemaking, you could never yell out the wrong name
- All anonymous sources would be named Ebenezer
- GPS would be impossible. Unless of course you were going to Ebenezer.
The point is we’d all be Scrooged.
- State Flower – The Orange Traffic Cone
- State Flour – Durum Semolina
- Number of Museums Dedicated to Rock & Roll – 1
- Number of Museums Dedicated to the Partridge Family – 0
- Scariest Lake – Lake Eerie
- State Joke: Q. What do young Stags see out of? A. Buckeyes.
- State Electrical Unit – The Ohm
- State Chanting Unit – The Om
- City That is Most Thanked – Cleveland. As in “Thank you Cleveland! You’ve been great.”
- State Fly – The Zipper
- State Zipper – The Fly
- State Bird – Roadrunner (Yes, the one the Coyote is after)
- State Fragrance – Kumquat Spice
- State Flag – Pennant-shaped. Technically a “burgee” shape. Flag has 17 stars because it was the 17th state when admitted in 1803
- State Candy – M&M
- State Rapper – Also Eminem
- State Motto – Ohio: First in Lubrication
- State Cannabis Motto – “Ohhh, High, Ohhh”
- State Capitol – Ɏ (This is the symbol for the state capitol formerly known as Columbus, who’s not too popular these days)
Ohio is still annoyed by those little Dayton bicycle makers – the Wright Bros. – who had to go all the way to Kitty Hawk, NC for the world’s first flight. What, they couldn’t spend those 11 seconds on the shores of Lake Erie?
Q: What state is Ohio in?
A: Ohio is a state.
Q: I mean what state…is Ohio in?
A: Oh, you mean like flux or ignorance.
- Well I’d say Ohio was in a state of Denali.
- You mean denial.
- No. Denali. They want to be Mt McKinley, but they’re about 18,000 ft short.
- Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stove – Foodies rejoice. Harry and Co. hold you spellbound while conjuring magical dishes on Dumbledore’s hot plate
- Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secretions – Pubescent Harry locks himself in the bathroom and wrestles with the forces of acne
- Harry Potter and the Pensioner of Azerbaijan – The widow Taskin asks a conflicted Harry to materialize a few Euros to tide her over till her Social Security check arrives
- Harry Potter and the Goblet of Egg Yolks – Harry and the Gang hop on the bodybuilding band wagon through liquid supplements. He gets so buff his Nimbus 2000 can barely move under the newly acquired weight.
- Harry Potter and the Ardor of the Penis – Sometimes a young wizard’s best friend is his other magic wand
- Harry Potter and the Half Blood Sausage – A botched breakfast order at an Ipswich Denny’s unleashes a cascade of evil breakfast meats Harry must contain
- Harry Potter and the Deathly Shallows – When several young wizards are found drowned in a 6” wading pool, Harry has to get to the bottom of it – the case and not the pool
Comping soon: Harry Potter and the Very Profitable Sequel
Me: So what do you do for a living?
Them: I’m a typesetter.
Me: Really. They still have those? Where do you work?
Them: In the 1700s.
Me: OK. Well that’s a long way from here. How do you get there?
Them: Time machine.
Me: Why don’t you get a job in the here and now?
Them: Because they don’t have these type jobs here.
Conversations I’ve Had in 1722
Me: So what do you do for a living?
Them: I’m a word processor.
Me: Hmmm. Never heard of that. Where do you work?
Them: In the 2200s.
Me: Really. And how do you get there?
Them: Time machine.
Me: Why don’t you get a job in the here and now?
Them: Too much of a process.
Me: I know a guy you could job share with. Maybe you’ve met him on your commute.