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Hardiman Announces Opening of New Restaurant: The Pompous Ass

To all gastronomes, epicureans and foodies, I’ve finally put the finishing touches on my new restaurant (it’s so hard to find spittoons these days). And it is my pleasure to share with you its smashing new menu. Please remember that all foods and beverages at the Pompous Ass are ethically sourced, sustainably raised and processed by little people who are paid a living wage (if you consider a mud hut and a clay chamber pot a living wage). We will have a soft opening on Friday August 12th and a hard opening just as soon as the Viagra arrives. We look forward to seeing you. Please peruse the menu below: 

 

 

The Pompous Ass

Executive Chef – Benito Agita    Sous Chef – Sue Scheff    Pastry Chef – Filo Dough

 

~ MENU ~

12th of August, 2022

Starters

  • Young Radishes, Baby Lettuces, Developmentally Challenged Turnips
  • Large Small Mouth Bass, Jumbo Shrimp, Elongated Short Ribs 
  • Fanny Crack Bread served with Irma’s sun-dried tap water

 

Zuppa del Giorno

What is Zuppa del Giorno? It’s the soup of the day.

  • Cornstarch Chowder: Thick and….well, just thick. No spoon. Served with a trowel.    
  • Cream of Salt: Saline Infused Brine, Sea Salt, Blue Salt, Green Salt, a tremendous amount of salt. Chef recommends “Salt to taste.”      
  • Broccoli and Cheddar: Featuring KRAFT Imitation Broccoli Flecks

We also serve our signature Diluted Split Pea Soup what it lacks in Pea-ness it makes up for in flavor

 

First Plate

  • Locovore’s Dilemma: Norwegian Salmon, Chilean Sea Bass, Martian Halibut
  • Paula Dean’s Down Home Myocardial Infarction: Served with Hopkins’ Farms Pork Rinds and Nancy’s Defibrillators 
  • Gherkins Galore: Jerked Gherkins, Lammykin Gherkins, Next of Kin Gherkins and Kurt Jurgens Gherkins

 

Secondi 

  • My Angry Stepmother’s Turkey: Served with Damaged Potatoes and “You Stupid Bitch You Ruined My Life” Gravy
  • “I’ll have what she’s having” Oysters on the Rocks (if you prefer it sans rocks, a server will assist you in getting your rocks off)
  • Silverfish Risotto: Certified New York Public Library Raised Silverfish (fresh from the Philosophy stacks), India Ink, Condoleeza Rice, gherkins  

 

Dessert

  • Livermore Labs Locally Enriched Sustainable Plutonium: Wilma’s Candied Graphite, Centrifuged Raspberries. Served with a leaden codpiece.
  • Real Expensive Cheese: Obscenely Priced Toast Points, Gouged Patron, gherkins
  • Crayola Fondue: 8 Colorful Melted Crayons served with Lead Paint Dippin’ Chips, Bendy Celery and Musty Attic Lint
  • I’ve Always Resented My Mother Blueberry Pancakes: Lotta Rage Maple Syrup, and Confectioner’s Angst

 

Dining Notes: A 400% Gratuity is assessed any table that mispronounces a menu item. All menu items are dynamically priced based on my gambling losses. There is no corkage fee, however if you bring a blanket, there’s a cover charge. Despite our haughty cuisine this is a tough place – the hat check girl’s name is Bruno.  

Allergy Alert: All food prepared on equipment used in the processing of peanuts and maybe just a little Crystal Meth.

Please be advised the entrance to the Pompous Ass is through the rear.

French-ified Facts

  1. In Rouen, France every child has been on the road to Rouen.

    Just another road to Rouen.

  2. Are nephews allowed in Nice?
  3. A French tailor left my pants Toulon and Toulouse.
  4. In France they eat well – nothing comes from a Cannes.
  5. I see London, I see France, I see Putin’s sycophants
  6. If you’re short on Euros, you lack Monet.
  7. People love the Louvre. They say, “Live and let Louvre.”
  8. If Paul Gauguin and Vincent Van Gogh were one painter, he would be Paulcent Van Goghguin.

The James Webb Telescope List of Newly Discovered Heavenly Bodies

  1. The Flying Nun astronomer: It’s no misnomer.

    The Snickers Galaxy – Similar to our Milky Way Galaxy, except it’s packed with peanuts and really satisfies

  2. The Ford Galaxie – Why a ’68 Ford is orbiting Neptune is the biggest mystery of all. One would expect to see a Nova or even a Chevy Super Nova. But a Ford Galaxie?  
  3. Sister galaxy to the Andromeda Galaxy, the Andromedary Galaxy is shaped like a giant camel toe.
  4. The Star of David – This legendary star makes 6 good points, none of which I can remember. Oy vey!
  5. Kate Upton/Channing Tatum – Evidently the telescope was turned back toward the earth for images of these 2 heavenly bodies  
  6. White Holes – They’re just like Black Holes only more privileged
  7. Orbit City – The home of the Space Age Jetson’s clan has been located. However the telescope is looking back so far in time, that after we meet George Jetson, we see Jane, his wife, is pregnant with daughter Judy. And Elroy is nowhere to be seen.
  8. The LGBTQIA? Galaxy – Most astronomers say the stars were born that way. A few astronomers say the LGBTQIA? Galaxy is just choosing to be that way.
  9. The Marilyn McCoo Galaxy – Where ♫You don’t have to be a star baby, to be in my show.♫
  10. The James Webb Telescope Mission Statement: Keir Dullea…Gone Tomorrow

Senior Communities of Dubious Distinction

  1. Needless Falls at Harbinger’s Ferry

    Nothing is Real

  2. Varicose Vineyards
  3. Grave Errors at Dirt Nap Gardens
  4. The Mausoleum at Hospital Corners
  5. Blue Hair Acres at The Strand
  6. Flatline Terrace at Defibrillator Manor
  7. Distant Memories at Amnesia Acres
  8. The Golf Course at Soylent Greens
  9. Organ Harvest Farms
  10. The Preserve at Embalmers Square
  11. The Last Resort Resort
  12. The Heights of Absurdity at Strawberry Fields

Earth’s Tourism Board Presents: Reasons for Visiting Earth

1. We’re a Class M planet. Always had oxygen. Always will. I’m looking at you Venus.
2. We pick up our garbage once a week and then bury it. Try getting that done on Neptune.
3. All our rings can fit on a finger. Listening Saturn
4. All our belts are custom fit. Take that Asteroid Belt.
4.5 We’ve dealt with our little “reptile problem.”
5. We’ve got Beatle music, 7-Layer dips and Steve Martin.
6. Almost all our steel is stainless – you couldn’t stain it even if you wanted to.
7. Our pajamas…Flame retardant. Light my fire baby, but not my PJ’s
8. Our people…Not so retardant proof, but we make up for it with 31 flavors of ice cream
9. We reproduce the fun way. None of this dainty dropping of seeds or gentle releasing of spores.
10. We have Mr. Pibb…and we’re working on a Mrs. Pibb if that lazy Dr. Pepper ever gets off his bubbly ass to help.
11. No one on Earth ever pays MSRP, so it’s fun to tell everybody about the screaming deal you got.
12. And finally and most importantly, the truth doesn’t require your approval.

Ships You’ve Probably Never Heard Of

  1. Ship Happens.
    Keel with it!

    Sank You Very Much – Great ship but usually found at the bottom of the ocean

  2. Heroine On Board – The Coast Guard is always stopping this ship owned by Wonder Woman Gal Gadot
  3. The Lima, the Piñto and the Santa Garbanzo – Sailed by Christopher Legumebus
  4. LGBT QE2 – That is one royal party ship
  5. The USS Raymond Burr The other “Old Ironside”
  6. HMS Brawny – Sister ship to the HMS Bounty
  7. HMS Corgi – Sister ship to the HMS Beagle
  8. Andriadorable – Way cuter than the Andrea Doria
  9. The Lucidtania – A clearer thinking version of the Lusitania
  10. What’s Your Cap Size – Worst double entendre ever
  11. Titanic II – With Global Warming there are very few icebergs to avoid
  12. Listing Heavily – Corporate ship of Craig’s List

There’s No Place Like Home

People never have to leave home now. They can be home-birthed, home-schooled and work from home. They can have meals and groceries home-delivered.

If they get sick – homeopathy.

All their friends – homies.

All their hits – homers.

They can even visit the Great Outdoors by sitting on their ovens where they’re Home, Home on the Range.

Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home.

Soup’s On…Least Favorite Soups

  1. New England Damn Chowder – Favorite soup of Tourette sufferers
  2. Cyrillic Alphabet Soup – It’s Greek to me
  3. Split Bee – It hear it gives you a buzz
  4. Chicken Poodle Soup – Made only from poodles who were euthanized
  5. Vicious-soise – A stone cold soup made from really mean potatoes
  6. Gaznacho – Another cold soup of congealed cheese and tomato
  7. Maxistrone – When minestrone just isn’t enough
  8. Italian Wedding Soup/Italian Divorce Soup – These soups have you coming and going
  9. Dense Onion Soup – It’s a French Onion Soup, you just can’t get through to
  10. Me So Soup – This soup is all about you. Also called Narcissisoup.
  11. No Alarm Chili – Chili for white folk
  12. Lobster Disc – A hard shell, hard drive programmable bisque

How the World Would Be Different If All Cities Were Name Stuttgart

  1. Walla Walla, Washington now Stuttgart Stuttgart, Washington
  2. Shakespeare’s birthplace now Stuttgart-upon-Avon
  3. Muslims would now make their annual pilgrimage to Stuttgart.
  4. Plane ticketing would be very tricky, but at least you’d never land in the wrong city
  5. More conversations would sound like this:

Where you from?

Stuttgart.

Really! Me too.

  1. Truth or Consequences, NM now Stuttgart or Stuttgarts, NM
  2. Bombay, India now Mumstuttgart, India
  3. The Sinatra hit New York, New York now New Stuttgart, New Stuttgart
  4. Conversation:

So where have you lived?

Well I was born in Stuttgart, but I was an Army brat so we pretty much moved from Stuttgart to Stuttgart

  1. Conversation:

We honeymooned in Stuttgart Falls.

Oh, it’s beautiful there. That’s near Stuttgart isn’t it?

No, you’re thinking of the one on the Canadian side.

     10. A Gambler’s Complaint:

I’m so pissed off about the World Series. I can’t believe Stuttgart beat Stuttgart. I mean Stuttgart had all the players and yet Stuttgart still won. I hate Stuttgart.

      11. Reworked city of Rome phrases:

Well, Stuttgart wasn’t built in a day

When in Stuttgart do as the Stuttgartans do

All roads lead to Stuttgart

       12. And finally, Fairbanks, Alaska would still be a miserably cold place to live in

♫Take Me Out to the Ball Game♫

Slow-paced minor league baseball is vying to maintain fan interest with the Reno Aces offering a variety of dubious between inning events, challenges and competitions. Some are hits, but the following are swings and misses:
 
1. Batter Up – Contestants see how fast they can coat a loved one in a concoction of egg, flour and water. The winner gets a new coat.

2. The Seventh Inning Stretch of the Imagination – The entire stadium observes a reverent meditative silence until someone becomes self-actualized. Winner gets the usual: the ability to transcend space and time. If no one becomes self-actualized the meditation continues until someone starts crying because they’re bored to tears.

Two cartoonish figures to the right…Well 3 if you count me. 

3. Speed Embalming – This between inning game is designed for people 6 feet and under (or at least soon to be). UNR’s mortuary science class goes at it with certified cadavers. The competition is stiff. In fact, the winner is whoever has the stiffest stiff.
4. Amateur Veterinarian – Curious youngsters trying to take the temperature of uncooperative critters makes for an entertaining combination
5. Express Yourself – While artfully screened, lactating women vie to see who can be the first to pump 3 oz. of breast milk. Winner gets $500 in baby formula, which these days is one can.
6. Competitive Eating – Late inning fans who’ve “had a few” try to eat 8 oz. of mustard. Winners gets to compete in the next inning’s challenge…
7. …Projectile Vomiting – Contestant is judged on form, distance and artistry
8. Who Has the Most Stretch Marks? – The footprints of time upon my skin game. Winner gets a burqa.
9. Senior Pole Dancing – They say these geriatric gyrations around a pole are something you can never unsee. Viewers report cases of PTPD: Post Traumatic Pole Disorder
10. Distance Peeing – Another late inning showstopper. While tastefully shadowed behind a curtain, inebriated men and even some ardent women compete to see who can arch it the farthest. Winner gets an I-C-U-P mug.
11. Cat Tossing – Again, form, distance and artistry count in this game. Watch out for the cat’s claw or you’ll be saying, “Me ow!”
 
With apologies to all.
Now Play Ball!