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Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

Mugs Only a Mudda Could Love

Each of the mugs below were used as models for the Rock’em Sock’em Robots
and each head was chiseled from a single block of granite.

1. Syracuse University’s new offensive guru OC Robert Anae. His manly head was the model for the Rock’em Sock’em Robots. He’s straight out of Central Casting. And speaking of Central Casting…


2. Leathery actor Frank Gerstle shown here in a terrific Hogan’s Heroes episode from 1967 “The General Swap.”
Note: All Hogan’s Heroes episodes were terrific.

3. Rugged actor Barney Phillips. Staring a hole in an adversary.







4. Actor Barney Phillips from a Twilight Zone episode. Staring 3 holes in an adversary. Great make up job. You’d never know the 3rd eye wasn’t real.

***Clown Motel Review***


I gave it 3 clowns, but I’d give it 2 bearded ladies if they’d let me. 

Don’t think I’ll stay here again.

Sleep under the Big Top and wake up smelling like an elephant.

First of all, the guy at the reception desk was a total clown. Then, when I’m signing in, I see a Mini Cooper pull up and 38 clowns got out.

It seems like a nice touch when the motel leaves a little carnation on your pillow, but when you pick it up, it squirts you in the face. 

The Clown Motel is a little eerie. In the morning my shoes had somehow become twice their normal size. Each room is assigned a “personal valet clown” named It, who resides in the closet, but sticks his head out every 1/2 hour to ask maniacally, “Can I get you anything” – and they expect you to sleep thru this. 

The motel restaurant is very good, but for god’s sake don’t order the cream pie. It served “en face.” As expected, the clown pie tasted kinda funny. 

And to think this motel claims Rudolph as one of their own just because he has a red nose. The whole thing was a total clown show.


~Verified Customer~


“Who loves you baby?”

Kojak in any form: TV show, board game or theme park is worth it’s weight in drachmas.

Kojak loves you baby. Or rather Telly Savalas does.
I loved Telly on the “telly.“
And now with this best Xmas gift ever, Telly Savalas as Detective Theo Kojak informs my world like a big, bald, Greek Tootsie Pop.
His crime-fighting cohorts are all there: Stavros, Crocker and Captain McNeil in this gritty, Big Apple board game.
Who needs video games or even sleep, when there’s Kojak: The Stakeout Detective Game to play? Collar your crook today.

A Meteor Shower Cleans No One

It’s raining in Cancun-spicy Mexican rain. Makes me wonder. Cancun is on the Yucatán Peninsula near where that cataclysmic meteor hit 65 million years ago causing the extinction of the dinosaurs and injuring Barbara Walters.


Location where the asteroid hit Earth 65 million years ago on a quiet Thursday morning.

Makes me wonder why the study of weather is called meteorology. Maybe rain-ology or climatology would be a better name for this field of study, but definitely not meteorology. That’s bad and ill-suited to a field that doesn’t study meteors.
People that study meteors hate the stupid weather people for stealing their thunder and taking the name “meteorology” for their own when it’s a much better term for studying meteors, and not weather.
I mean yeah back in the 1800s it was OK to call the study of weather meteorology. But later on, maybe after Barbara Walters had healed up, they should have reserved the term meteorology for just the study of meteors and given weather some other more clued-in name like weatherology. That way you’d have an expectation on what the hell they were going to talk about and not just sit there expecting some kind of report on meteors – Who needs that?
Now that the weather people have stolen the meteor peoples’ thunder, the meteor people are trying to steal the weather peoples’ “lightning.” But they’re having trouble putting it in a bottle.
Why can’t the meteor people and the weather people just get along? I mean everybody talks about the weather people, but nobody does anything about them.
I guess that’s just the way it is “whether“ we like it or not.
And the cosmic ballet continues…🎶ooohhh makes me wonder🎶
Sent from my iPhone. Not from me. My iPhone wrote the entire story and posted it, on its own. 

The Poppins’ Subterfuge Exposed

Applying Pig Latin to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is a waste of time.
I mean you can say, “upercalifragilisticexpialidocious-Sa” but you can’t really disguise the fact that it’s still Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious you’re trying to camouflage.

Cold War spies are dead because they failed to heed this truism.

3 Jokes in 1

A moving van pulls up to a psychologist’s house and the Dr. says, “There’s a lot to unpack here.”

It was a very emotional moment because it was a very moving van.

Ah to be Jung again.











Can Do in Cancun: Top 10 Things To Do in Cancun

Activities/Destinations/Excursions for the Cancun tourist to consider:

  1. Swim with the Prawns – You’ve seen them swimming in garlic sauce, now it’s your turn to swim with these grungy little bottom feeders in a debris-strewn backwater
  2. Ride on an Inflatable Banana While Being Pulled By a Jet Ski Doing 55 mph – Hard pass. There are more creative ways to “ride the banana.”
  3. The Jolly Rancher – A kids’ oriented pirate party ship. It’s the sister ship to the adults’ more debauched Jolly Roger. The Jolly Rancher serves shots of Sunny D on the quarterdeck, plays Recess Monkeys music on the spar deck and, as expected has all the bathrooms on the poop deck. Every night at 7 pm, little Kaitlyn Penrose walks the plank right into the kiddie pool.

    There’s a “can-do” attitude in Cancun.
    I canned.
    I cuned.
    I conquered.

  4. Bed Bug Bite Connect-a-Dot Constellation Game – No matter how opulent the resort, they all have bed bugs. In this creative game you connect the dot-bites on your partners body to form a sign of the zodiac or a car logo
  5. Take the Ferry to the Island of “The Love that Dare Not Speak its Name” – A fairy ride you’ll never forget featuring female impersonators so real they’d fool Ellen Degeneres. Talk about “Man, overboard” – everything is over the top on this ferry.
  6. The Museum of Waiters Who, When You Go to the Bathroom, Refold Your Napkin into a Swan – They’re all there in wax: Roberto Vazquez, Raoul Juarez and, for reasons still unclear to me, the Jackson 5.
  7. Ripley’s You’ll Never, Ever Believe This Museum – (unless you’re a Republican) Visit Ripley’s Hall of outrageous, bald-faced lies that some people believe are actually true just because others are telling them it’s true.
  8. Excursion to the Mayan Ruins of Chechen Itza – A big disappointment. They actually took me to visit a ruined chicken pizza and not Chichen Itza. When I complained to the operator he said “Oh so sorry Senor, if you want to visit Chichen Itza it will cost you more. Too bad you signed up for chicken pizza.”
  9. The Ocean is My Urinal – Don’t “Ewwww!” me. Oh, like you haven’t.
  10. These Mexicans Have a Different Word for Everything – Alright already. I get it. I’m not in America anymore.

Sort of Lisping, Yet Short of Lisping

1. Physicist insists his wrist is twisted. “Nyet. It’s just a cyst that persists,” says fellow physicist Seth Sovich. “That’s the gist.”
Lists I’d Like to See
1. A ship foundering at sea and listing heavily. Mostly Letterman Top 10 Lists and maybe a shopping list or To-Do list.
Lisps I’d Like to Hear
1. I myth you (as said to any of the Greek Gods)
2. Q. What’s the differenths between a pith helmet and pith helmet?
     A. If you don’t know the difference, urine trouble.
3. ♫Itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini♫ is my favorite thong.
And finally, a colleague of mine has ascended to the highest office in the land. Bernie Schwartz now works on the 108th floor of the Sears Tower. It’s the highest office in the land. Yeth it ith.

Highest Standard of Living in the World

These new Chryslers are the bomb. I managed to drive this baby right back to 1956. A simpler time where “I like Ike” and 🎶you ain’t nothing but a hound dog.🎶

Jesus FAQs

For those unfamiliar with the life and times of Jesus of Nazareth, I’ve provided some FAQs to help people reacquaint themself with the great Savior:

  1. Did Jesus ever get stoned? No, but many times he came close to getting stoned when he ran afoul of the Romans.
  2. Did Jesus write anything? Nope. All his gospels are “as told by.” Think of them as being ghost written – by the Holy Ghost.
  3. Did Jesus have dates? Yes. Hundreds of them. He loved dates and they were a very abundant and cheap food source in the greater Judea area.
  4. Did Jesus’s brother James, suffer from an inferiority complex? Yup. How could he not? His older brother was a light unto the world, whereas James once lit a manger on fire. Surprisingly though, James could change water into ice, but only if the temperature dropped below 32°.
  5. Does Jesus have the ability to integrate the content of all your applications into one seamless platform? Child please!
  6. Why doesn’t Jesus just return and shower the world in beatific love? He has. Several times, but most people are antagonistic toward this itinerant, long-haired hippie spouting off about doing unto others and loving thy neighbor. He’s had poor management of late – like Elvis did in the 1970s. Where’s an apostle when you need one.
  7. How dark was Jesus’ skin? Let’s put it this way – he wouldn’t exactly be welcomed in some of his churches today.
  8. If Jesus had a residency in Las Vegas, what would he perform? Well, he’d probably kickoff the show with Sermon on the Mount and maybe follow that up with a version of “Crocodile Rock.” He’d blow away illusionist David Copperfield’s disappearing spectacles. Instead of making an elephant vanish, Jesus would do the same with hate and anger. Great stuff. At the end of the show I’d envision a mic drop and then an ascension up through the proscenium arch.
  9. Did Jesus have any tattoos? Yes. One. It read: WWMD – What Would Moses Do.
  10. Did he throw a ball like a girl? No way. Not JC. In fact he could slingshot a rock better than David (not me, but the Biblical David,).
  11. Was Jesus musical? Kinda. He could play air versions of all the popular instruments back in the day: air drums, air flute and a mean air harp. And yet he was scrupulous about never putting on any airs.
  12. Who cut Jesus’s hair? A very young Barbara Walters.
  13. Was Jesus at Woodstock? Inconclusive. He would’ve blended in so well with the rest of the hippies, nobody would’ve noticed except maybe Crosby, Stills and Nash who referred to him in their song Woodstock, “Well I came upon the child of God, he was walking along the road…”
  14. Was Jesus aware of the dangers of asbestos? No…asbestos we can tell anyway.
  15. Did Jesus get along with his father? Yes, although he thought his dad was kind of an absentee father, who was there in spirit only.
  16. Do people still love Jesus today? Well yes, but people seem to love the “idea” of Jesus more than actually practicing his message of non-judgment, self-reflection, forgiveness and the Golden Rule. Many use his good name to fleece their flock of donations to buy mansions on the ground, instead of mansions in the sky.