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As I Get Older

1. My favorite fruit is elderberries (the older the elder, the better)
2. Favorite name is Jerry Atrick
3. My favorite dog bark is “AARP”
4. Favorite special is the Early Bird Special (finish dinner @ 4:55😃)
5. At the height of summer, I go to bed while it’s still light out
6. The Lawrence Welk Show…not as corny as I once thought – especially those Bobby & Sissy dance numbers
7. In my garage I’ve got a centerfold pin-up of Meryl Streep from “Only Murders in the Building”
8. I now pee in Morse Code
9. For no reason I know, I now call my refrigerator, the Kelvinator
10. Castor oil? It’s good for what ails you.

A Very Esoteric Thought from a Very Retired Man

Treat Williams was actually related to the revolutionary patriot Robert Treat Paine.

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All part of my “If You’re Not Going to Think About It, I Will” series

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Do you think the actor Treat Williams’s parents looked at their newborn son and thought, “Should we call him John or Treat? Hmmm. Let’s go with Treat?”

And the name served him well except for Halloween, when he’d get all tongue-tied at the door and say, “Trick or Me.”

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On the Road to Galilee 22 AD

I love the smell of frankincense in the morning!

A band of Spaniards had come all the way from La Mancha to seek out the young Jesus, who was then ministering in Galilee. Over hill and dale they searched for the Messiah.
Spotting the Lord and his entourage walking in the distance, their leader beckoned to him:

The Man of La Mancha: Hey Zeus! Hey Zeus! Is that you?

Jesus and his apostles stopped and addressed the yearning acolytes. Peter gently corrected the man of La Mancha, “My friend, that is not Zeus. It’s Jesus. He is God, but he’s far from the Greek mythological God you’re confusing him with. Your group must be from Athens.

The Man of La Mancha: No sir. We’re from Spain and I know that’s Hey Zeus.

Peter: Hey Zeus? Oh, you mean Jesus. I get it. You speak Spanish and pronounce Jesus as Hey Zeus with a J that sounds like an H. Got it. Hey, be careful with that. I mean don’t go calling St. Joe, St. Hoe.

The LDS Bachelor

Just finished watching the Mormon version of The Bachelor. Wow!
He narrowed it down to 4 women, and then married all of them.

If I’ve Learned One Thing in Life, It’s that Blowing a Popsicle Stand is a lot harder than you think

HB GW (Happy Birthday George Washington)

Son and I hanging with GW on his birthday.
I told GWash he’s become known as the father of our country.
And he agreed, stating, “And it’s the only country, I’m a father of… I mean, that I know of.“
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Do you realize that when George Washington sliced the Thanksgiving turkey, he became George Washington Carver?

Ebony Elvis

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Legend has it that the King’s darker complexion for a film role was the counterintuitive inspiration for Michael Jackson to lighten his skin. Ebony Elvis seen here with Barbara Eden (TV’s Jeannie) in a promo for Flaming Star.

This would not have become a Security issue if only Costco had clearly marked it: For Display Purposes Only.

Maybe if they weren’t offering Chocolaty Ex-Lax samples, I wouldn’t have been in such a rush. 

Do you know where you are Mr. Hardiman? Are you feeling safe?

YES! Yes I’m fine. And why is everybody asking me that lately? Just because I write things like:

 

Let Me Be Frank

In the future, when hot dogs can talk, I foresee a very grateful hot dog saying to both his ancestors and his descendants:

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“Thank you. Thank you all. Because without you, I’m just a missing link.”

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I mean that’s sort of punny, write? And I say this with absolute relish, “My condiments to the author.”

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Palm Olive?

Not Over It!

Not Now. Not Ever.

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That Manicurist Madge would allow her client to soak her fingers in Palmolive Dishwashing Liquid, w/o first getting permission, is a professional malpractice and an affront to manicurists everywhere. When a manicurist “takes the smock,” her nail station shall become an altar of glorious grooming and not a den of desiccating detergent. 

And then Madge so callously remarks while working on the poor lady’s other hand, “You know you’re soaking in it?”

The aghast woman erupts, “Dishwashing liquid!”

Madge: “Relax, it’s Palmolive.”

Relax my ass. I want Madge’s license pulled.

This was not the hand job the client paid for. There’s nothing worse than a shoddy hand job. I should know.

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What’s next? Letting little fish eat the debris off your feet?

Readers to Me: Actually they do, do that with the fish Dave.

Dave: Really. Well then, what’s next? A sponge cake filled with cream?

Readers: They’re called Twinkies Dave.

Dave: Alright. It’s hard to maintain my outrage when I keep misfiring on my examples. How about this – what’s next a TV show about a likable guy who sells crystal meth? I don’t know. I’m off the rails here. This whole thing is breaking bad.

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The Restaurants of Dr. Moreau

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1. Veterinarians at the French Laundry have genetically modified a Turkey so it now comes Pre-Stuffed with stuffing. They somehow managed to cross a Tom Turkey with a large and shapely crouton, thereby producing the pre-stuffed bird. Diners are just gobbling it up.

Tom Turkey remarked, “Let me tell you something, croutons can eat crackers in my coop anytime.”

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2. These same veterinarians have met with less success in producing an all-in-one turducken. Seems they can’t get a turkey, a duck and a chicken to participate in a ménage à trois. After the 3 had gone out to dinner, the waiter asked  who would take the check and the gracious duck said, “Oh, just put it on my bill.”

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But then the duck got his feathers ruffled when he thought he heard the chicken make a dirty quack about him, when he heard, “You have an ugly waddle.” When what the chicken really said was meant for the turkey: “You have an ugly wattle.”

“Well cluck you,” said the duck to the chicken. 

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French Laundry Veterinarian and sous chef Dr. Moreau remarked, “There’s only so much I can do with a turkey baster and duck sperm. In order for this to happen the birds have got to flock together. The problem is they’re all a bunch of bird brains.”

A Poker Tournament in an Alternative Universe

After the dealer deals the last card he calls for everyone’s hand:

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Q. How’s your new girlfriend and what are you going to do tonight?    A. She’s a wonderful woman and I’d really like to poker tonight.

Dealer:       OK players. Let’s get right to matters at hand and see what everybody has? How about you Player 1?

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Player 1:    Well, I’ve got 2 doxes.

Dealer:       OK. Player 1 has a paradoxes. Hmmm, that is puzzling? What’s Player 2 got?

Player 2:    I’ve got 5 Ellen DeGeneres’s…all wearing the same suit.

Dealer:       OK. Player 2 has a Straight Gay Flush. Player 3 what’s your hand?

Player 3:    It’s that thing at the end of my arm.

Dealer:       Thank you very much. And what’s your poker hand?

Player 3:    Read’em and weep. I’ve got  a wife, 3 kids, 2 dogs and a mortgage.

Dealer:       Alright. I think it’s obvious. Player 3 has a Full House. Player 4, can you top that?

Player 4:    I’m not sure. It looks like my King, Queen and Jack have all gone to the bathroom in the same toilet and just left it there.

Dealer:       Good God man! Don’t you know what you have? That’s a Royal Flush. You win.