Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

Not Quite Medical Conditions

  1. Longness of Breath – Why get caught short?
  2. Acute Baby – It’s better than an ugly one
  3. Vowel Movement – Grammarians recommend 2 to 3 compacted vowel movements a day
  4. Chronic Consonant Crowding – To be found in the word shrimp or shrank: 6 letters, 5 consonants 83.3% consonant compliant. Also found in the word catchphrase which has a whopping 6 consecutive consonants – take that syzygy.
  5. Pancreatic Fondling – Who doesn’t? Y’know, when you’re alone and no one’s watching
  6. Spinal Men-in Black – Greatly preferred over Spinal Meningitis
  7. Medium Pox – Get the Pox size that’s right for you!
  8. Atrial Fluffernutter – A disease that’s close to my heart
  9. Myocardial Infantilism – I don’t even know what I’m talking about here I just like to say “Myocardial Infantilism.”
  10. Stereo-nucleosis – Again, it’s greatly preferred over Mono-nucleosis
  11. Mono-Poly – A great way to mispronounce Monopoly. Mono-Poly: where the accent’s on fun.
  12. Fractured Fairy Tales – Broke my heart to read them
  13. One Toke Over the Lyme…disease – When life gives you limes, you make limeade?
  14. Help! I’m Coming Apart at the Seams – Well then, you probably need a good screwing.
  15. Ack Knee – Greatly preferred to acne
  16. Dry Hump – Starts around puberty
  17. Lymph Penis Syndrome – Starts around Social Security
  18. Freudian Dandruff – A syndrome suffered by flakes
  19. Freudian Girdle – Sorry, another Freudian reference – I must be slipping.
  20. Chronic Freudian Reference Syndrome – A unique disorder manifested by writer’s with supreme intellijence.
  21. Detached Attitude – Could care less about this condition
  22. Arrested Leg Syndrome – Gotta walk the line otherwise you get the boot
  23. Hepa-tight-ass – When you can’t tip more than 15%
  24. Foot in Mouth Disease – When you tell the truth by accident
  25. Writers’ Gaffe – When you tell the truth by accident

Traces of George Washington’s Body Heat Discovered in Bed Where He Died

Startling discovery made in the hallowed bed where George Washington died at Mount Vernon.

Dr. Kelly Applewhite, President of the Mount Vernon Ladies Association, recounted her early days at the mansion when she gave tours. She remembers how smart aleck visitors would sometimes peer into the bedroom of George Washington and ask in mock seriousness, “Now is any of his body heat still in the bed?” Many in the tour group would chuckle which drew a furtive look of condemnation from a then youthful Kelly as the contrite wise guy realized he had crossed a line in referring to our illustrious forefather.

 

But maybe this loose cannon wasn’t off target with his flippant jest. In fact it has now been confirmed he hit the bullseye with his remark based on a Homeland Security team’s recent discovery. While on a mission to terror-proof Mount Vernon they were stunned by what they uncovered. The team was utilizing night vision goggles to securitize the national landmark from prospective defilers when specialists noticed an eerie glow emanating from the bed where the Father of Our Country expired on December 14, 1799. Upon closer inspection, and in tandem with expertise provided by Dr. Applewhite, it was conclusively determined through thermal imagery, that the slowly fading heat signature was none other than George Washington’s. The outline was unmistakable; right down to the peculiar heat signature on his left thigh where he’d had an abscess removed in 1793. A less distinct glowing mass to the left of the General’s was described as “of a matronly contour ” and is believed to be that of his loving wife Martha who had crawled into bed and kept vigil over the stricken chieftain that fateful night.

 

Birth of an Avatar

George Washington lives on in the hearts of his countrymen and now in the outline of his body heat still resident in the bed where he died. What lends further credence to this discovery is that it is well-known Martha never spent another night in that room or in that bed after her beloved husband died. She lived her last 3 years in a modest 3rd floor dormer room heated by a Franklin stove. Records produced by the Mount Vernon Ladies Association who superintend the mansion and the General’s legacy, reveal that upon removal of George Washington’s lifeless body from the four-post bed, it was meticulously remade and sanctified so that no one else would ever disturb the sacred linen bedding where our first President drew his last breath.

 

Thermal image historic preservationists are working diligently to maintain the 219 year-old cooling outline of Mr. Washington’s body before it evanesces into the ethers. They are flatly astonished that this heat energy could be preserved and husbanded in one bed for over two centuries without supernatural intervention. Thermal preservationists said that based on even the most generous thermo-evaporative calculations, his body heat should’ve completely vanished by December 15, 1799. That leaves almost 219 years unaccounted for.

 

Whether a burning communal respect for the General was still providing enduring kindling for the outlined memory of our revered forefather, thermal preservationists weren’t saying. They do however, hope to heat the room to an optimal temperature whereby the dissipating heat of George Washington’s image retains a half-life of 400 years thereby preserving the great man’s thermal signature for generations to come. Of course in their exuberance to preserve a constant yet minimal temperature differential, thermal preservationists run the risk of overheating the room and co-mingling the ambient heat with George Washington’s body heat such that the delicate isothermic outlines of the General’s body lose their ghostly distinction and melt into each other. And while this disappearance would be a loss to posterity, it might be in keeping with the military bearing and sterling character of George Washington.

When and if George Washington’s body heat does surrender its warmth to the surrounding atmosphere, it will echo the words of General Douglas MacArthur who in his resignation speech before congress in 1952 proclaimed, “Old soldiers never die. They just fade away.”

Newspaper Headlines from the 1930s

  1. Local Bank Stuck Up. Bank manager disagrees. Says employees aren’t pretentious at all.
  2. Greta Garbo Places Personal Ad. Evidently she no longer vants to be alone.
  3. Astronomer’s All Agree: Babe Ruth’s Head Couldn’t Possibly Get Any Bigger
  4. Motion Pictures to be called “Movies”
  5. Wretched Economic Conditions to be called “The Depression”
  6. Curious Voters Demand to Know: “Why is FDR Always Sitting?”
  7. Howard Hughes Starting to Act Weird. Former Housekeeper Says Crawl Spaces Filled with Jars of Urine.
  8. Sigmund Freud Believes the Depression is Causing depression
  9. Aviator Charles Lindbergh Crosses…His Mother – Marries Anne Morrow
  10. Charles Lindbergh Likes to Fly His Plane Fast Against Others. Experts All Agree – He’s a Racist.
  11. Nazi Germany Becoming a Little Too Well Organized
  12. Italy Asks: WWMD – What Would Mussolini Do?
  13. America Asks: What’s the Deal with the New Deal?
  14. The Beatles Invade New York City. ////I know. It’s from the 60s, but I just love the Beatles.
  15. Country Loses Productivity as Millions Waste Time Listening to the Wireless
  16. John Steinbeck Encouraged to Change Book Title from The Wrath of Grapes
  17. Mickey Mouse Still Wearing a Diaper Despite Being 7 Years Old Now
  18. Sediment from Dust Bowl Packaged as Ovaltine
  19. Warren Beatty & Faye Dunaway Born. Will Grow Up to Become Bonnie & Clyde
  20. Black Speedster Jesse Owens Wins 4 Gold Medals at Berlin Olympics. Indignant Hitler Fills Them with Chocolate.
  21. Architects Hold Up Bank. Claim it’s the only way to prevent it from sagging.
  22. Playtex Holds Up Mae West. Claim it’s the only way to prevent her from sagging.
  23. Archaeologists Begin Search for Eleanor Roosevelt’s Chin.
  24. Hindenburg Hoax Continues. Dirigible Seen Intact in Stuttgart. “Oh the Duplicity.”
  25. Miss America Marries Mr. Universe. Gives Birth to Baby Ruth
  26. Einstein Beginning to Wash Hair in Static Electricity
  27. Prohibition Ends Today: Entire Country Hungover Tomorrow
  28. Jazz Music and Marijuana Corrupting America’s Youth. One Must Be Made Illegal!

Costco’s New Product Showcase

  1. Costco: A bulwark against consumer timidity. You know you love us.

    Whirlpool Water Hardener: Who wants soft water when these days you need all the minerals you can get. So what if your hair is always sudsy.

  2. An actual size Map of the United States in 1:1 scale. A must when 100% accuracy is required. Folds neatly and fits into most any airplane hangar. Also comes in a thin sponge version you can soak in water to expand.
  3. 12-pak Brunswick Bowling Balls: Makes a great stocking stuffer…if your stocking is made of tungsten-carbide chainmail. Possibly the last bowling ball 12-pak you’ll ever buy…and probably the only one too.
  4. 5 gallon drum Visine Eye Drops: Comes with matching eye-drop cozy. “Visine. It gets the Red out.” Very popular in the dispensary community.
  5. $500,000 Applebee’s gift card for $499,900 – a $100 savings! Note: Card expires 3 months after purchase.
  6. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Plutonium: Try our trendy new Plutonium substitute and you won’t be able to tell the difference either. Comes with a lead codpiece.
  7. Fresh from our in-store bakery: Above ground pool-sized Apple Pie. This economical deep dish pie comes in 1, 2 and 3 foot depths.
  8. Drive-thru Artificial Insemination. Choose from a variety of heirloom quality baby batters. Complimentary turkey baster is yours to keep. Returns not allowed on this product.
  9. 42 gallon barrel of Embalming Fluid. Don’t be caught short this season.
  10. Gucci Shoe Lifts: Don’t be caught short.
  11. Guccione’s Penis Elongater: Don’t be caught short.
  12. Black & Decker’s Burglary Tools for Dwarfs: Don’t be caught short.
  13. Hane’s Long Johns: Don’t be caught short.
  14. Don’t Be Caught Short: A fun new board game from Milton Bradley.
  15. 35 lb. lifetime supply of Fleischman’s Dry Active Yeast. It’s dry and active – like an Alcoholics Anonymous member who exercises regularly.
  16. Drive-thru Cremation for Pets. Pet must “no longer be with us.” Use your Frequent Cremators Card and get the 3rd pet incinerated for free. Your choice of cinder granulation: Smooth or Crunchy. Tupperware Urn included.
  17. Lifetime supply of Flintstone Vitamins. Note: This is a lifetime supply if your life were to end in 60 days.
  18. Bariatric Surgery. Must weigh at least 450 lbs. naked, however clothing is greatly preferred.
  19. Kirkland’s 13-foot Sub for $1.50. A highly versatile sandwich. You can eat it or operate the sub underwater.
  20. Assisted Suicide Kit. Possibly the last assisted suicide kit you’ll ever have to buy. For obvious reasons, financing is not available. Guaranteed results otherwise we send over a guy named Vinnie to finish the job.
  21. Book: TSA Frisking for Dummies. Frisk anyone without offending them. Or, if they want to be offended, learn that too. You’ll start by frisking yourself, then your pets and eventually you’ll graduate to the Air Fargo Passenger Hangar in North Dakota.
  22. 88 lb. family-sized Wetzel Pretzel. This novelty pretzel comes with 6 lbs. of yellow mustard and a pretzel dolly for transport.
  23. Give your kidneys a break with a Hasbro’s Personal Dialysis Your kidneys work hard 24/7. Why not giv’em a little vacation and let someone else do the blood filtering. Comes in regular or menthol for those who prefer minty fresh hemoglobin. May bundle with Mattel’s Go Anywhere Ventilator© for even greater savings. Why should you have to do all the breathing all the time?
  24. 45-pak Gillette Moustache Combs. These handy little combs can be used in grooming any number of bodily areas featuring short curly hair.
  25. Space Tourism at down to earth prices. For $1,000,000 reserve a seat on an Elon Musk Space-X Rocket that takes you to the moon and back. Experience weightlessness while dining on Gordon Ramsey’s out-of-this-world cuisine. Note: $25 surcharge per bag (even when it’s weightless). May upgrade to a full space suit instead of just breathing from the little margarine cup mask that drops down once you leave earth’s orbit. Kosher meals available. Must be able to pass a zero-gravity bathroom activity test.
  26. One metric ton Chex Party Mix. It’s the last metric ton of snacks you’ll ever have to buy – and probably the only one too. Great for bomb shelters and other apocalyptic living spaces.
  27. Pallet of Trident Chewing Gum forklifted directly from our warehouse to your garage. Make great stocking stuffers…if for some reason you have to stuff 48 million stockings.
  28.  

Bumper Stickers from Antiquity (as seen on the backs of ancient chariots and medieval wagons)

  1. Bumper sticker seen at a Renaissance Faire.

    Make Sparta Great Again!

  2. You Have to Admit, Vlad the Impaler does make some good points
  3. Pyramids are for Squares
  4. Serf Lives Matter
  5. Sodom is for Lovers
  6. If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults
  7. It’s all Olaf’s Fault
  8. Eating Rotten Apples Contributes to Global Worming
  9. I got my rocks off at Stonehenge
  10. My other wagon is a Cadillac
  11. OK Renaissance…we’re waiting.
  12. Enough with the spices already. Maybe we could spend less than 95% of our GDP in the search for seasonings and invest a little in sewage control.
  13. DaVinci Fondled Me. #Et tu Leonardo
  14. Question Charlemagne
  15. Robin Hood is a Socialist Income Redistributor
  16. Galileo thinks He’s the center of the universe
  17. I visited BarbarianLand. The happiest place on God’s flat Earth.
  18. I got debauched at Pirates of the Mediterranean.
  19. All We Are Say-ing, Is Give Huns a Chance
  20. If blunderbusses are outlawed, only outlaws will have blunderbusses
  21. I never sleep alone…thanks to my bedbugs
  22. May your fireplace always be sooty and your stool forever compacted
  23. Make Soap, Not War
  24. We really need the soap, what with all the soot and everything
  25. Occupy King John! You try eating turnips 11½ months out of the year. No more tubers…Magna Carta now!!!
  26. Occupy Valhalla! It’s almost 1063 and to date only a total of 3 Vikings have had any fun at all. Being Norse sucks.
  27. The Plague is Gods Way of Punishing Free Thinkers
  28. Does the concept of “germs” mean anything to you Neanderthals?
  29. If blow darts are outlawed, only outlaws will have blow darts
  30. Pat Paulsen for President
  31. A heavier than air machine? It’ll never fly.
  32. Queen Elizabeth the 1st is a Royal pain in the arse
  33. Guillotine has lost his head
  34. When it says Libbys Libbys Libbys on the label, label, label, you will like it, like it, like it on the table, table, table.
  35.  

How the World Would be Different if the Only Last Name Ever Allowed was Briscoe

  1. This would be everyone’s Coat of Arms.

    There’d be a Martin Luther Briscoe Blvd in every major city.

  2. Jesus Christ would be known as Jesus Briscoe and when people were really exasperated they’d say, “Oh Jesus H Briscoe!”
  3. If I said, “The artist formerly known as Briscoe” you’d know I was talking about Prince.
  4. Abercrombie & Fitch would be known as Briscoe & Briscoe. Then again, so would Simon and Garfunkel.
  5. Daniel Day-Lewis…Daniel Briscoe-Briscoe
  6. And you can be damn sure Chuck Norris would still be called Chuck Norris!
  7. Stormy Briscoe…’nuff said.
  8. If you saw a long lost buddy in the distance at a baseball game and yelled out, “Hey Briscoe, is that you?” The entire crowd would turn to you and say, “Of course it is.”
  9. 80% of late night talk show hosts would be named Jimmy Briscoe.
  10. Muhammad Ali would’ve changed his name from Cassius Briscoe to Muhammad Briscoe
  11. The happiest places on earth would be Briscoeland and Briscoe World.
  12. Pharmacies would have one big plastic “B” bin for all the prescriptions to go in.
  13. The FBI’s 10 Most Wanted Criminals would become more difficult to track down.
  14. On the other hand, if a criminal used an alias it would have to be Briscoe.
  15. This Briscoe name thing is really no different than the way it is right now, having the name “Kim” in North Korea.
  16. The Tom Hanks/bulldog buddy movie Turner & Hooch would become Briscoe & Hooch. But the Dustin Hoffman, Meryl Streep movie Kramer vs. Kramer would become Briscoe vs. Briscoe and would star Dustin Briscoe and Meryl Briscoe.
  17. The fabled baseball poem Tinkers to Evers to Chance would lose some of its magic because Briscoe to Briscoe to Briscoe just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
  18. Even if everyone’s last name was Briscoe, Kanye West would still be known as an idiot.
  19. Abbot & Costello’s classic baseball skit Who’s on First would morph into a pointless Briscoe’s on First, because every player on the field would be named Briscoe. The skit might sound like this:
    • Who’s on first?
    • It’s not Who. It’s Briscoe. Briscoe’s on 1st.
    • I thought Who was the 2nd
    • That’s Briscoe.
    • So Briscoe’s on 1st and Briscoe’s on 2nd, well then Who’s at shortstop?
    • Who is not the shortstop. Briscoe is the shortstop.
    • You mean to tell me if they made a double play it would be Briscoe to Briscoe to Briscoe?
    • But we like to call it Tinkers to Evers to Chance.
  20. Now that I think of it, maybe it would be funny if everyone’s name in that skit was Briscoe. In any event the skit would be performed by Briscoe & Briscoe which is Abbot & Costello and not to be confused with Simon & Garfunkel. Read the rest of this entry »

Herb’s House of Spices: Status Seasonings in a Spice Envy World

 

These granulated spices are what drove much of the early explorations of man. A very risky business, but that’s how bad food tasted in the Dark Ages.
“Get me some flavor,” commanded the King. “I don’t care if you do sail off the edge of the earth.”

Give your fellow foodies Spice Rack Envy. At Herb’s House of Spices no seasoning is too insignificant, no flavor too arcane, no spice too exotic in marketing needless flavors to an increasingly demanding American palate. And thanks to the Food Network in elevating simple food prep to an exercise in must-have gastronomic satisfaction, Herb’s Spices has created more seasonings than you can shake a shaker at. In fact we’ve created a full line of Status Spices to impress your friends with your condiment acumen. These “all show, no go” spices are useless in the kitchen, but look great on the rack. A list of our popularly priced seasonings are presented below.

Herb’s Status Spices

  1. Confectioners Cremains – Not what you think! Alright, exactly what you think. From our line of “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” spices.
  2. Peanut-Infused Benadryl – Simultaneously creates and remedies anaphylactic shock in one convenient bottle.
  3. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Marjoram – One pinch and you’ll agree: It’s not Marjoram. But I can’t believe it.
  4. Black Pepper Matters – Socially conscious seasoning that recognizes the value of all spices.
  5. Snalt –Imitation salt. For those on a sodium restricted diet.
  6. Pulverized Granulated Powder – No known use. Created solely to induce not only “Spice Envy” but “Spice Awe” in busybodies who sneak peeks into your spice drawers. Disclaimer: Herb’s Spices believe no one should have an uninvited peek into your drawers.
  7. Garlick Nuk – A stand-alone lickable Garlick Pacifier® served separately from your entrée. For all those pain in the ass people who need to order everything on the side. Check out our full line of Lickables® (some of which you must be over 21 to lick).
  8. Mostspice – An economic alternative to Allspice.
  9. Chinese 4-Spice – A budget Chinese 5-Spice at 80% the cost. Warning to Aluminum Allergy Sufferers: Chinese 4-Spice is made on machines also used in the processing of bauxite.
  10. Papricka – A rude take on Paprika. Tastes great, but, just like sausage, you don’t want to see how it’s made.
  11. Cardamom – Who the hell uses cardamom or even knows what it tastes like?
  12. Cardadad – Patriarchal version of cardamom.
  13. Turmeric – Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve said, “Pass the turmeric,” I’d owe money.
  14. Cannabis Buds – One pinch and you’ll understand why they are your buds.
  15. A Dash of Kardashian – From what I’m told it goes down very easily.
  16. Salt Paul – A religiously oriented spice alternative to Salt Peter.
  17. Star Anus – As expected, tastes like sh*t.
  18. Ground Chuck Berries – Limited supply. You do know he donated his body to science.
  19. Demon Seed – From Lucifer’s groin to your table. Pure ick with just a dash of evil.
  20. Ginger Spice – That would be Geri Halliwell from England’s Spice Girls and she’s not for sale.
  21. Unattached Honey – Not really a spice. In fact, not really honey. Apparently this Unattached Honey enjoys short romances and long embraces. This spicy number can be found in the Personal Ads section of your grocer’s seasoning aisle.
  22. Ground Molted Lobster Husks – A very popular seasoning among molted skin lovers who crave the briny, crunchy taste of Crustacea who’ve shed their exoskeleton. Note: Imitation Ground Molted Lobster Husks are also available for those who on the advice of a doctor are on a Ground Molted Lobster Husk restricted diet.
  23. This is Not Your Father’s Fenugreek – New take on an old classic – the fenugreek, not your father.
  24. Mrs. Dash’s Boy Toy, Mr. Abs – As expected it comes in a 6-pack and is available in shakable or Lickable® form.
  25. Finely Ground Pumice – A favorite in North Korea. It better be because it’s the only seasoning available.

On Coping with Lyrical Imprecision in the song ♫Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting♫

A Therapeutic Rant Enabling Me to Exorcise My OCD Demons

Sir Stephen Hawking to Carl Douglas: “Surely not everyone was Kung Fu fighting.”

Everybody was? Really? Didn’t Carl “one-hit-wonder” Douglas realize that perhaps somebody, somewhere was not Kung Fu fighting. How about singing the more accurately descriptive “a few people were Kung Fu fighting,” instead of the lazy, fits-all lyrics “everybody was Kung Fu fighting.” I mean if we allow this level of lyrical imprecision to percolate into society, where does it end?

The Rolling Stones lamentably sang ♫I Can’t Get NO Satisfaction♫ – really Mick, None? In England in the mid-60’s. I think everybody knows that Mick was getting at least some satisfaction. Alright, maybe not everybody knows it, but many people do. I don’t want to be accused of the same imprecision by using the word everybody when I should’ve said “a few people.”

Calling out and correcting these overblown and inaccurate claims is the domain of someone who prefers to make our universe as tidy as possible. Someone like me. No, I mean it. Someone like me. No really, I’m pleading with you: Someone like me damn it! See how dangerous the slippery slope of misinterpretation is when you casually employ inexact expressions?

Don’t STOP

It’s bad enough that STOP signs don’t change to GO after we’ve stopped. Those smug octagonal signposts think they can just command us to act and expect us to sheepishly comply. And when we do comply, then what? In the absence of a subsequent instruction I’d like to know what the expectation is. The peremptory command to STOP means just that. I see no interpretive wiggle room to assume that at some point we may GO. However millions do. I’m proud to say I’ve sat at STOP signs for hours waiting for some indication as to what to do after I’ve stopped. Usually an encouraging honk and a few words of encouragement from the exasperated motorist behind me is enough for me to, “Get movin’ assh*le.” Read the rest of this entry »

The 351st Fighting Felines: You Don’t Want a Dog in this Catfight

Col. Tomcat Gizmo of the 351st Fighting Felines

Cats view World War II differently than humans do. Several books on the subject of feline heroism have been written by cats, including Saving Private Mittens and Band of Pussies. One problem in highlighting the heroic actions of WWII cats is that most who fought in WWII are either in Veterinarian Homes or were put to sleep decades ago. Some have managed to pass down their stories over several litters using the oral tradition of tongue-to-fur storytelling. Their stories have become a little confused, but using new FurSpeak® technology, I’ve taken the time to decipher and catalogue the compelling and inspirational stories of the 351st Fighting Felines so that everyone can appreciate the greatest generation of pussies. Read the rest of this entry »

The Things That Still Unify America

  1. The crusty corners of macaroni & cheese
  2. Knowing that God is great. But perhaps wishing he had fewer Franchises.
  3. Remembering your first kiss. Even if your lips were pressed against a mirror.
  4. Wikipedia. Admit it.
  5. Remembering your first open-mouthed kiss. Even if it was with someone named Fido.
  6. The fact we all have 206 bones. Except for “Shaggy” Rogers from Scooby-Doo. He only had 205. No backbone.
  7. Enjoying a good yawn, a good sneeze, a good sigh…or any other good bodily discharge
  8. And speaking of sneezing: Who amongst us didn’t say “God bless you” the first time they heard someone say “Machu Picchu?”
  9. The simple joy of watching a Hogan’s Heroes Alright, watching back to back Hogan’s Heroes episodes. OK binge-watching Season 3 of Hogan’s Heroes in one sitting. Alright. Watching all 168 episodes consecutively while wearing an adult diaper. Please tell me I’m not alone on this one.
  10. Experiencing the white man’s overbite pleasure of rockin’ the bathroom while playing nude air guitar.
  11. Screw National Poetry Month. The only month worth celebrating is National Cheeseburger Month.
  12. The aquatic appreciation of the powerfully immaculate 5-second watery whoosh of a public toilet after we finish our business
  13. During daylight savings time, springing the clocks ahead only 55 minutes and then secretly pocketing a cool 5 minutes for yourself on the down low.
  14. Seeing Gal Gadot in her Wonder Woman outfit
  15. Experiencing that thunderbolt of understanding when you’re watching the Oscars and the revered actress Eva Marie-Saint casually refers to a guy named Fred Hitchcock. And then boom! Suddenly you realize she’s talking about Alfred Hitchcock.