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If I’ve Learned One Thing in Life, It’s that Blowing a Popsicle Stand is a lot harder than you think

HB GW (Happy Birthday George Washington)

Son and I hanging with GW on his birthday.
I told GWash he’s become known as the father of our country.
And he agreed, stating, “And it’s the only country, I’m a father of… I mean, that I know of.“
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Do you realize that when George Washington sliced the Thanksgiving turkey, he became George Washington Carver?

Ebony Elvis

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Legend has it that the King’s darker complexion for a film role was the counterintuitive inspiration for Michael Jackson to lighten his skin. Ebony Elvis seen here with Barbara Eden (TV’s Jeannie) in a promo for Flaming Star.

This would not have become a Security issue if only Costco had clearly marked it: For Display Purposes Only.

Maybe if they weren’t offering Chocolaty Ex-Lax samples, I wouldn’t have been in such a rush. 

Do you know where you are Mr. Hardiman? Are you feeling safe?

YES! Yes I’m fine. And why is everybody asking me that lately? Just because I write things like:

 

Let Me Be Frank

In the future, when hot dogs can talk, I foresee a very grateful hot dog saying to both his ancestors and his descendants:

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“Thank you. Thank you all. Because without you, I’m just a missing link.”

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I mean that’s sort of punny, write? And I say this with absolute relish, “My condiments to the author.”

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Palm Olive?

Not Over It!

Not Now. Not Ever.

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That Manicurist Madge would allow her client to soak her fingers in Palmolive Dishwashing Liquid, w/o first getting permission, is a professional malpractice and an affront to manicurists everywhere. When a manicurist “takes the smock,” her nail station shall become an altar of glorious grooming and not a den of desiccating detergent. 

And then Madge so callously remarks while working on the poor lady’s other hand, “You know you’re soaking in it?”

The aghast woman erupts, “Dishwashing liquid!”

Madge: “Relax, it’s Palmolive.”

Relax my ass. I want Madge’s license pulled.

This was not the hand job the client paid for. There’s nothing worse than a shoddy hand job. I should know.

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What’s next? Letting little fish eat the debris off your feet?

Readers to Me: Actually they do, do that with the fish Dave.

Dave: Really. Well then, what’s next? A sponge cake filled with cream?

Readers: They’re called Twinkies Dave.

Dave: Alright. It’s hard to maintain my outrage when I keep misfiring on my examples. How about this – what’s next a TV show about a likable guy who sells crystal meth? I don’t know. I’m off the rails here. This whole thing is breaking bad.

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The Restaurants of Dr. Moreau

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1. Veterinarians at the French Laundry have genetically modified a Turkey so it now comes Pre-Stuffed with stuffing. They somehow managed to cross a Tom Turkey with a large and shapely crouton, thereby producing the pre-stuffed bird. Diners are just gobbling it up.

Tom Turkey remarked, “Let me tell you something, croutons can eat crackers in my coop anytime.”

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2. These same veterinarians have met with less success in producing an all-in-one turducken. Seems they can’t get a turkey, a duck and a chicken to participate in a ménage à trois. After the 3 had gone out to dinner, the waiter asked  who would take the check and the gracious duck said, “Oh, just put it on my bill.”

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But then the duck got his feathers ruffled when he thought he heard the chicken make a dirty quack about him, when he heard, “You have an ugly waddle.” When what the chicken really said was meant for the turkey: “You have an ugly wattle.”

“Well cluck you,” said the duck to the chicken. 

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French Laundry Veterinarian and sous chef Dr. Moreau remarked, “There’s only so much I can do with a turkey baster and duck sperm. In order for this to happen the birds have got to flock together. The problem is they’re all a bunch of bird brains.”

A Poker Tournament in an Alternative Universe

After the dealer deals the last card he calls for everyone’s hand:

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Q. How’s your new girlfriend and what are you going to do tonight?    A. She’s a wonderful woman and I’d really like to poker tonight.

Dealer:       OK players. Let’s get right to matters at hand and see what everybody has? How about you Player 1?

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Player 1:    Well, I’ve got 2 doxes.

Dealer:       OK. Player 1 has a paradoxes. Hmmm, that is puzzling? What’s Player 2 got?

Player 2:    I’ve got 5 Ellen DeGeneres’s…all wearing the same suit.

Dealer:       OK. Player 2 has a Straight Gay Flush. Player 3 what’s your hand?

Player 3:    It’s that thing at the end of my arm.

Dealer:       Thank you very much. And what’s your poker hand?

Player 3:    Read’em and weep. I’ve got  a wife, 3 kids, 2 dogs and a mortgage.

Dealer:       Alright. I think it’s obvious. Player 3 has a Full House. Player 4, can you top that?

Player 4:    I’m not sure. It looks like my King, Queen and Jack have all gone to the bathroom in the same toilet and just left it there.

Dealer:       Good God man! Don’t you know what you have? That’s a Royal Flush. You win.

 

More Things I’m Ashamed to Admit

  1. I’ve spent time looking for my glasses…while I’ve been wearing them
  2. After I blow my nose I always look into the Kleenex to make sure I haven’t blown my brains out
  3. I’ve wondered where my iPhone was…while It’s been in my hand
  4. I don’t know how to number lists anymore

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  1. Rodin’s “The Shamer”

    I don’t like nonsensical designer names, or names w/hyphens or one-word names or overly long names. I like plain, understandable American names, the way God meant them to be. Like Calvin Coolidge or Courtney Cox. That’s as exotic as a name needs to be. Except for Cher. I’m grandfathering her in. She and Jesus get to keep their one-word names.

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  1. In elementary school, if I was really hungry mid-morning, I occasionally pinched a sandwich from the brown baggers who’d stored their lunches safely in the cloak room. Usually Phillip Picciotti’s. His mom Alice made such a nice sandwich. Thanks Phil.

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  1. Believe me, my head is screwed on straight. It’s my body that’s crooked.
  2. My world would be nothing, without the Undo button. Thank you Microsoft.
  3. I wish I had something more enlightening to say about life. But I don’t right now. And I’m ashamed to admit it.

 

 

 

Things I’m Ashamed to Admit

  1. On a dare I once swallowed a quarter. And next morning, in the toilet, were 2 dimes and a nickel.
  2. There are times I’ve let my cat lick my head for way too long
  3. I’ve used a blood pressure cuff…but not just on my arm
  4. That of all the 10 Commandments, I’m compliant with maybe 2½ of them

    Not so fast “Uncle” Ben.

  5. I once had to blackmail a black male. I really had no choice. After all, I came into possession of documents proving that Uncle Ben didn’t have any nephews. He was no uncle, and the whole kindly uncle thing was just a starchy, corporate scam. I was just following one of the Commandments: I did not bear false witness. I just told the truth until Ben cried, “Uncle.” And here’s the kicker: the proof that Uncle Ben had no nephews was given to me by a niece of Aunt Jemima.
  6. Probably 85% of the music I’ve listened to has been Beatle music (actually I’m not really ashamed, I’m proud {Actually I’m not proud or ashamed I just love charting/imagining the creative process that led to so many lush and fully formed songs. Their inventive journey if you will. Even if you won’t….I Will [Get it? – I Will]})

 

Reset: Things I’m Ashamed to Admit

 

  1. I once held up a picture of Raquel Welch for almost 10 minutes…and with only one hand
  2. On more than one occasion, we went back through a Wendy’s Drive-thru to tell them they forgot our French fries…even though they didn’t forget our French fries. What can I say? Back then we were hungry and poor, and we wanted more French fries damn it.
  3. I’ve peed in one of the oceans. I don’t want to spoil that ocean for you, so let’s just say it was a very Specific Ocean.
  4. This is a tough one to admit, but when I’m all alone, I like to wear men’s underwear (thank you Steve Martin)
  5. I don’t know if I’m choosing to be heterosexual or that I’m simply heterosexual {That Herb Alpert cover convinced me}.
  6. I’ve never once showered before getting into a pool. And I never will. I will, however, shampoo after my cat licks my head for 15 minutes as purr the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not allow thine feline to preen its owners head for a period not to exceed 12 cubits without lathering, rinsing and repeating. Yea verily, let it be so.
  7. One time I picked my friend, and then I picked my seat, and then (even though I knew you weren’t supposed to do it) I picked my friend’s seat. Oh the shame.
  8. I’m neither binary, nor non-binary. It’s just the way I am and they are. So there.

New Restaurant Franchises Reviewed

  1. The Beefcake Factory – Run by the NFL’s Kelce Bros, the food is great and the service (as you might expect) is Swift.
  2. Lizzie Borden’s Chophouse – Ghoulishly trendy place. Diners are losing their heads over it.
  3. The Scarlet Lobster – They only serve lobsters that have committed adultery. Popular in colonial Boston.
  4. Cook up some profits with restaurant franchising. 

    Anna Phylactic’s – A shockingly good restaurant. Before you even sit down, you’re served a complimentary shot of Benadryl

  5. LGBTQ? It’s Friday– Bedroom to Table dining. A celebration of diversity featuring 6 distinct bathrooms. One for each orientation.
  6. Schrempf’s Almost Vowelless Restaurant – Try the alphabet soup at Schrempf’s. More consonants than you can shake a spoon at.
  7. Gag Order – The first rule of Gag Order is you don’t talk about Gag Order
  8. Hamid’s House of Hummus – Not recommended for the hummus-phobic
  9. Burger Queen– The place is such a drag. Try the burger with the special cross dressing. They say once you try it, you’ll never go back.
  10. Heimlich’s– A favorite of Nazis, this restaurant features small, chokable servings
  11. The Pompous Ass– Place stinks. After dinner, all diners must exit through the rear. Sometimes people get stuck and they can’t go for days.
  12. BJ’s Restaurant – The place blows. Nuff said
  13. Slaughterhome – Caring female butchers have made this Slaughterhouse, a Slaughterhome. Some throw pillows here, a splash of blood there and Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home – It’s all sumptuously decorated in Modern Carnivore. I mean it’s authentically paleo, but with cutlery.
  14. Sinnabon – Eat just one of these sinful buns and it’s straight to hell
  15. Thai Phoid – An Asian eatery where Employees Must Wash Hands. But they don’t.
  16. Ruth’s Chris’s Steaks Houses – In a pluralistic society, this is the kind of steakhouse you gets
  17. A Confederacy of Donuts – Both the dough and the South shall rise again in this ill-conceived celebration of plantation life. Rebels can dunk their donuts or misbehaving unpaid laborers into coffee. On Tuesdays overseers and servants eat free. Ask about our Cotton-Pickin’ Specials. A Confederacy of Donuts is a subsidiary of Cracker Barrel.
  18. The ICOP – A place where policemen can go to get their pancake on

 

Edited Out: The following did not make the grade. I won’t be investing in these.

  1. Downunder Steakhouse – Nothing at all like Outback Steakhouse, it’s the home of the Bloomin’ Bandicoot.
  2. Cellulite Thighs – Dumplings, biscuits and bagels are the “thighs that bind” in this wholly owned subsidiary of The Waffle House
  3. Gristle’s– Home of the 72 oz. Bovine Carotid Artery
  4. Dyson Vacuum Factory Cafeteria – Place sucks
  5. I Love Garden, Aisle of Garden, Isle of Garden – Not affiliated with Olive Garden
  6. The Earth’s Crust – Each table features a small fireplace and mantel. And that’s where the cooks place the dishes of the Earth’s Crust’s, just above the mantle.

 

 

You Haven’t Lived Until You’ve…

  1. ABBA, IKEA, SAAB – It’s all Swedish to me.

    Foamed a runway

  2. Played Liars Poker with George Santos
  3. Foamed Katy Perry
  4. Heard a Latin Pig grunt in Pig Latin, “nkoi-a, nkoi-a”
  5. Misspelled ABBA: AHBBHA
  6. Seeded a cloud with loose change just to watch it rain pennies from heaven
  7. Visit Michealangelo’s sculpture studio to see all the people he got stoned
  8. Gazed adoringly into your lover’s yearning eyes and breathlessly uttered, “Darling, my generals are writing checks, only your privates can cash”
  9. Looked into a mirror and seen the back of your head
  10. Removed (or implanted) an IUD in an elephant – hopefully a female elephant
  11. Foamed a latte, then swirled a portrait of Mike Pence onto it

 

And one more dastardly one that should never have crossed my mind:

  • You Haven’t Lived Until You’ve…Had your girlfriend pooh-pooh any talk of anal sex