Archive for the ‘Ditties’ Category

1. Form NoMother, NotAgain: Makes it illegal to sell a home with a desiccated corpse sitting in an attic rocking chair
2. Form #YouToo: Notifies buyer the home will be sold with an onsite Intimacy Coordinator who will ensure all sexual acts are entered into consensually
3. Form 666: Makes it mandatory to report if a house is located over a fiery portal to Hellish doom. This is more commonly known as the Amityville Advisory
4. Form No-Life-Story: Prohibits prospective buyer from writing a cutesy, sympathy-mining letter to the seller explaining how “it would be such an honor if you chose my husband (Pastor Caleb Musgrave) and our 2 children Caitlyn and Josh (who’s on the spectrum) to buy your lovely home for $50,000 under market price and carry on the neighborly principles you’ve…” blah, blah, blah.
5. Form 420: Seller must report if, in any room, someone spoke the phrase: “Wow man…it’s like the walls are breathing”
6. Form Powder Keg Alert: Discloses how many farts are trapped in the insulation. This way if there’s a fire, it gives first responders an indicator of the dwelling’s potential explosivity and the amount of fire suppression needed. Many real estate agents think this fart form stinks.
7. Form CV-19: Seller must report if the house ever operated as a Wuhan Wet Market
8. Forms #1 or #2: Seller shall advise buyer if anyone ever went to the bathroom in a room where there wasn’t a toilet
9. Form U-235: Seller must disclose if plutonium (or any other fissile material) was ever enriched on premises
10. Non-discriminatory Form: That irrespective of race, color or creed all will be given equal access to this property. More specifically, minorities will be given access to the property, they just won’t be allowed to buy it.
11. Form Caveat Emptor: This form urges that the Buyer Beware.

 

1. Let’s play “Dentist” and I’ll fill your cavities
2. Jesus may have died for your sins, but right now I’m dying for them.
3. I’d really like you to activate my streaming service
4. I like the way your teeth come together. Maybe we could too.
5. If I said you had a tipped pelvis, would you hold it against me?
6. As a matter of fact I am a gynecologist and I’m at your cervix madam
7. I bet I know your favorite number? – It’s Novocain. {Get it…numb-er}

1. Progress on the set. My Intimacy Coordinator used to direct me with a 10-foot pole. Now she uses a 6-foot pole. What’s next – a yardstick.
2. Worst pick-up line ever: “Jesus may have died for your sins, but right now I’m dying for them.”
3. What’s a foot to do? My stout toenails keep breaking my nail clippers: #keratinstrong #toejamfootball #thislittlepiggie
4. My dentist also operates a popular taco truck. He’s a real cavity-filler.
5. Where’s Marilyn McCoo these days? She was the 1970s Tyra Banks.
6. And Speaking of Banks. Could I be any less excited about that stealthy street artist Banksy? You’ve got dedicated artists spending thousands of dollars on Masters of Fine Arts programs, and this guy spray paints a “Keep on Truckin'” dude on a brick wall in an alley and suddenly it’s a National Heritage Site.
7. I’m not really white. I’m just choosing to be white. Some say gay people do this with their sexuality – that it’s a choice. Hmmm. I wonder if I could pray the “white” away.
8. Mt. Denali has gone from Mt. McKinley and back to Mt. Denali again. Remember folks. It’s just a mountain and will always be a mountain no matter what you call it. Then again see #9
9. What’s in a name? The United States had a Department of War from 1789 until 1947 when it was eventually changed to the less bellicose and more protective Department of Defense. Were we actively planning or seeking wars until 1947? 
10. Why am I just finding out now there’s Double Stuf Oreos? Damn it people. Keep me in the loop.
11. Was Zsa Zsa Gabor’s middle name Zsa? Asking for Boutros Boutros Galli.

In an unexpected twist, usually argumentative neighbors Sam Fields and Roger McCoy traded Barbs recently. Sam acquired Barbara McCoy (Roger’s wife of 21 years) and Roger received Barbara Fields (Sam’s wife of 23 years). The Barbs were traded at the request of the wives who could no longer stand their grumpy husbands.  

The Barbs’ issued a joint statement saying they didn’t think the trade was as much wife-swapping as it was strife-swapping.

In other news: It is now understood that whenever an elbow or a doobie issue a statement, it’s by definition a joint statement.

1. What if George Strait was gay?
   We might say, “Boy, George isn’t straight.”
   Of course Boy George isn’t straight.

 

2. Looking forward to the sequel to “80 for Brady”… “30 for Purdy”

 

3. It’s been reported that for the first time in history, 2 gay men will be going head-to-head in a Congressional race. I dunno. Somehow I don’t think it’s the first time in history 2 gay men have gone head-to-head.

 

4. Did you hear about the Canadian lesbian….She went back to Victoria…British Columbia.
   1. Gay Australian He went back to Sydney
   2. Gay Oregonian  He went back to Eugene

 

5. If the volume of a sphere is 2/3rds the volume of a cylinder that encloses it,
   I definitely overpaid for my Xmas cheeseballs

 

6. I’m pretty sure he was born by a Caesarian Section.

           Why is that?

           Well, every time he leaves his house, he goes out through the window.

Make them a happy pair who go everywhere together. Like they’re inseparable or something.

 

Focus on Siamese twins Jack and Jacqueline Brooks who are born from different mothers. But how would that work?

 

Explain how they got “joined-up” at a Siamese Reassignment Surgery Center. A safe and nurturing place where individuals who identify as Siamese can freely and surgically express their inborn desires to be joined at the hip with someone they love.

 

In looking for the ultimate “hook-up” Jack and Jacqueline Private Messaged each other and I produce a transcript of their PMs

Jack: Looking for a life partner. Would you care to join me?

Jacq: Why? Are you coming apart? Just kidding. But seriously where would you like to be joined?

Jack: At the Siamese Reassignment Surgery Center in Pasadena.

Jacq: No silly. I mean where on our bodies would you want to be joined?

Jack: Oh. That. Well probably the tailbone so we could always dance cheek to cheek.

Jacq: OK. It’ll be great. We can come out at our Siamese Reveal Party.

 

Siamese Notes:

• Most all Siamese twins are Gemini
• Most live in cities like Walla Walla or New York, New York
• Siamese twins got their name from being more prevalent in the Kingdom of Siam (now Thailand)
• The proper pronoun to refer to Siamese twins will be “Yous Guys.”
• Story ends when we see a psychologist treating 2 sets of Siamese twins with split personalities and getting paid by 8 people.

Let’s begin by setting the expectation bar really low, and hope I can get under it.

1. I rub women the wrong way – I’m a Massagynist
2. Physicist Izzy Grissom insists his wrist is twisted, but it’s just a cyst that persists. That’s the gist.
3. My advice to the citizens of Moldova: Men, guard your catalytic convertors. Women and children, sell your platelets. And to all my mollusk friends: keep clam.
4. For obvious reasons, during performances at the High Wire Club, tipping is not allowed
5. It is said by people much smarter than me (and I’m sure there are some someplace) that curly fries are overblown.
6. The preeminent physicist Robert Oppenheimer was also a great chef, though in some of his dishes he did tend to over-plutonium a bit. I’m told he made the only Beef Wellington with a half-life and his fusion cooking was absolutely devastating.
7. I felt both full and empty after reading Jean-Paul Sartre’s Being and Nothingness.
8. The syphilis way to get an STD is to have sex

 

• I hear the Getty family is having Trust issues.

 

• You know you’re getting older when you’re watching Jeopardy and you don’t realize till the end that it’s Celebrity Jeopardy, because you don’t recognize any of the celebrities

 

• 

  How did something so simple get so complicated?
  Well, as they say in England, “Chex mate?”

Best Western Hotel

420 Constitution Drive Livermore, CA 94550

 

Ideally situated between the Livermore Costco and Miss Fanny’s Gentleman’s Club, this Best Western Hotel is a 100% felon-free property (in all likelihood). Before graduating to a Best Western Hotel, the property began as a Good Western and then worked itself up to a Better Western Hotel before finally achieving Best Western status.

.

.

Fun Priceline Fact: If at the end of Double Jeopardy all the contestants are in negative territory, the world ends.

 

The following are Certified Reviews by Verified Priceline Guests:

 

6.0    David Hardiman of Reno, NV

Pros:          Had a life-changing, boundary-dissolving experience where I transcended my body, journeyed to the Godhead and became one with the empyrean treasures of the universe.

Cons:         Could’ve used more towels.

 

8.8    Mahatma Adams of Brookline, MA

Pros:          Most of the Swastikas had been painted over.

Cons:         At the breakfast bar a business man was using the waffle iron to press his tie.

 

3.14  Physicist Calbert Martindale of Pasadena, CA

Pros:          Gravity functioned normally and, from my frame of reference, light seemed to travel at 186,000 mps

Cons:         Upon arrival there was urine in the toilet.

Management‘s Response: Well, where else would you want it?

 

8.5    Malcolm Gulliver of Lilliput

Pros:     I was unnerved by all the chalk body outlines on the floor

Cons:    Bullet proof window glass came in handy a few times during our stay

 

8.0    Mrs. Dalai Lama – Citizen of the World

Pros:          Mr. Lama had yet another boundary-dissolving experience where he transcended his body, journeyed to the Godhead and became one with the empyrean treasures of the universe. Ho-hum.

Cons:         Place could use some updating. Chamber pots didn’t flush. Not enough candles and I was hoping to bump into Rita Moreno.

 

10     Cindy Medici of Kitty Hawk, NC

Pros:          I’d give it an 11 if I could. Friendly staff helped me with my bikini wax for well over an hour. At least they said they were staff.

Cons:         Omelet station chef forgot to remove the plastic wrap from the cheese in my omelet.

 

9.0    Meeee aaand Mrs, Mrs. Jones (the one who’s “gotta thing, goin’ on” with the singer)

Pros:          Those sprinkler heads were so handy to hang clothes on.

Cons:         There was a guy in our bed.

Management’s Response: We apologize for the guy. But at least we’re pretty sure he wasn’t a felon.

 

5.5    Eleanor Rigby of Liverpool, England

Pros:          My key worked on all the rooms

Cons:       The supposed Hershey’s Kiss on my pillow wasn’t wrapped. In fact it wasn’t even chocolate.

 

10     Sildenafil Hardman of Stratford-upon-Pfizer

Pros:          I don’t know how a place can be “LGBTQ Pet Friendly,” but this place was.  

Cons:         Someone left their Service Turtle in the bathtub wearing its little “Please Do Not Turn Me Over” yellow vest.

 

10     Leni Riefenstahl of Bavaria

Pros:       Lock left open on adjoining room, so we managed to sublet it for 100 Euros.

Cons:      There wasn’t any hot water. In fact there was no running water. It barely walked.

Management’s Response: This is a supply chain issue.

 

8.0    Wally Walters of Walla Walla, WA

Pros:          Rusty water was great for my anemia.

Cons:         The door knobs and the remote were both sticky.

Management’s Response: We do that intentionally to promote a better grip. Yeah, that’s it.

 

7.0    A Real Housewife of Orange County

Pros:          Easily operable dials and switches on thermostat

Cons:         However there was absolutely no correlation between the room temperature and the thermostat setting. It actually seemed to do the opposite.

Management’s Response: This is pretty much standard at all hotels now.

 

10     Candy Apple of Syracuse, NY

Pros:          Somebody left some Gummies in the nightstand

Cons:         For a certified smoke-free room there sure we’re a lot of cigarette burns.

Management’s Response: That’s because the last woman who stayed in that room was smokin’.

 

7.0    Homer Simpson of Springfield

Pros:          Everything was very well run and extremely secure

Cons:         Night Manager insisted I refer to her as “Warden Kathy” and suggested maybe I’d be better off returning to my cell.

 

8.0    Cialis Valencia of Lilly, WI

Pros:          Rabbit Ears allowed for excellent TV reception

Cons:         Reflection in mirror didn’t do what I was doing.

 

4.0       Bernadette Cumberbatch-Humperdinck of London, England

Pros:          Good value

Cons:         Didn’t understand what I was consenting to when I agreed to make my own bed in order to save money. Then they gave me a hammer, a saw, some boards and nails and told me to go make my bed.     

 

Best Western Hotel Amenities:

• Our hair dryers blow
• Our vacuums suck
• Our donuts are holy
• Our irons are ironic
• Our breakfast bar proudly serves generic oatmeal and even well-behaved Belgians
• We still send and receive Telegrams <STOP>

 

 

Hotel Features

Happily situated just off Interstate 666, this Livermore hotel is within a 10 minute drive of 4 Urgent Care Centers, 3 Not-So-Urgent-But-Vital-Enough Care Centers, 2 We-Can-Wait-Awhile-But-Not-Too-Long Care Centers and 1 “for profit” orphanage. For hygienic free-spirits, the lobby features a communal bidet. The Fitness Center has been reimagined as a well-equipped Fatness Center where an honest chubby  person can go and “get your lipids on.”

All guest rooms come with free atmosphere, gravity and hidden webcams. Guest rooms at Best Western also come with 42-inch High Definition Microwave Ovens where nothing takes longer than 5 seconds to heat. A deluxe continental breakfast is served every morning. Unfortunately it’s served on the continent of Europe. The front desk is staffed 24 hours, although those hours aren’t necessarily consecutive. The Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory is 2 miles away (follow the plutonium glow).

 

We hope you enjoy your stay at the Best Western and if you don’t agree this is the Best Western you stayed at, we’ll give you a coupon for a free Continental breakfast…served on the continent of Australia.

The Animal Kingdom is no longer depending on animalistic urges to incentivize procreation. The new critter-based dating app, Downward Dog, circumvents the need for far flung pheromones or the need for going into heat to promote hook-ups. Downward Dog promises feral fun and frenetic frolic for frisky fauna. Whether you’re a voluptuous vertebrate or simply a spineless sensualist, Downward Dog has a matching varmint for you.

See sample ads below:

1. Bi-Curious Monkey Swings Both Ways – I mean I’m a monkey. We always swing both ways, but you know what I mean 😉. Bi-Curious George awaits your response.
2. Forlorn Male Mutt – Seeks cute bitch for some canine fun. For a dog I’m a little kinky. I like to do it Missionary Style.
3. Introverted Snail – Willing to come out of my shell if you’re slimy enuf. OK if homeless (no shell). Likes roleplay where we cover ourselves in garlic and olive oil and play “Escargot.”
4. Open-minded Feline Seeks Extra Special Pussy – Into mutual tongue bathing and long walks by the fish market. Fur color no barrier.
5. Do Opposites Attract? – Well-hung Teacup Chihuahua looking to satisfy a Great Dane. Let’s make this happen.  
6. Black Widow – Seeks yet another male partner. I don’t know why I go through so many. They just seem to disappear after we mate. Hope to see you on the web.
7. Financially Secure Schnauzer – Seeks like-minded female Terrier for platonic pleasures. I like “going bye-bye,” eating my “wet food” and drinking from a large, white porcelain thing with a big hole in it.
8. Neutered Newfoundland – Seeks spayed Shih Tzu for platonic pleasures: sniffing, paw-holding and rolling over.
9. Aardvark with Very, Very Long Tongue – Prefers a female aardvark who likes to make mountains out of molehills. Also I’d like to meet your aunts.
10. Rhino Seeking RINOs – Horny Rhino (aren’t we all) seeks RINOs (Republicans In Name Only) for inter-species fun. Offering the best in bestiality.
11. Skeletal Tyrannosaurus Rex seeks Skeletal Brontosaurus for a Fun Night at the Museum – Would really like to jump your bones.

.

Break::::: A Catnap, some Kibble, and maybe I’ll tickle my tongue with Wrigley’s Fruit-striped gum. We now resume more Downward Dog ads:

.

1. Every Day is Hump Day for this Dromedary Camel – What’s your pleasure madam? – One hump or two.
2. Venus Fly Trap – Seeks flies for quick, snappy visits
3. Misbehaving Malamute Likes to Do It on the Paper – I’m chipped, STD free and told I am a great panter. I behave best when I’m kept on a short leash.
4. I’ll Admit It, I’m a Leg Man – Male centipede seeks female centipede with great legs – at least 100.
5. Single Cell Narcissistic Protozoa – Hopes to divide myself in two and fall in love with my better half.
6. Angelfish – Seeks amphibian for a breath of fresh air. I’m tired of dating big fish in my small pond. Maybe you’re the toad I’ve been waiting for.
7. Sexy Seahorse Seeks Horny Horsefly for Adult Horseplay – Riding bareback is the mane thing
8. Gay Parrot – Seeks birds of a feather to flock together. Hope you like flocking as much as I do.
9. Weiner Dog Looking for the Right Bun – If we fit together then my condiments to the chef.
10. Abominable Snowman Looking for an Abominable Snow Woman – I’m dreaming of a white Christmas with you.
11. Frisky Ostrich Would Like to Bury His Head Into Something Besides Sand – Would prefer an ostrich that has spent time at a Petting Zoo or even a Heavy Petting Zoo
12. Playful Mink – Seeks a nice Beaver (so what else is knew). Will also answer glossy-coated sables, chinchilla and even weasels.