Posts Tagged ‘esoteric’

A Very Esoteric Thought from a Very Retired Man

Treat Williams was actually related to the revolutionary patriot Robert Treat Paine.


All part of my “If You’re Not Going to Think About It, I Will” series


Do you think the actor Treat Williams’s parents looked at their newborn son and thought, “Should we call him John or Treat? Hmmm. Let’s go with Treat?”

And the name served him well except for Halloween, when he’d get all tongue-tied at the door and say, “Trick or Me.”


Magazines for Micro-niche Markets


  1. Ultra-Marathon Runner – Voted best marathon magazine 5 years running

    Relics from an analogue age. Pardon my Gutenberg.

  2. Con Appetit – Eat just like a convict with this sister publication to Bon Appetit. Try all these gruel and unusual recipes and you’ll be asking for, “More Sir!” Recipes include:
    1. A Salted and Battered Chicken
    2. Prisoner Pot Pie
    3. Felonious Monk…Fish
    4. Perpetrator Pepper Sprayed Tater Tots
    5. Maybe It’s Peanut Butter, Maybe It’s Not
  3. Stair Master Magazine – Offers tips on mastering its sobering 32,000 Step Program. Remember, the first step to getting in shape is admitting you don’t have a Stair Master.
  4. Stare Master Monthly – Stare like nobody’s watching. Master the Stare Master’s no-step program. This Zen-like periodical deals with focusing on a single object so intently you become the object you’re staring at. A figure-ground reversal for the ages. Caution: Do not attempt this with Picasso paintings.
  5. Architects’ Digest – Sister publication to Architectural Digest. It’s more gastronomically oriented than design oriented. This high-gloss, 4-color publication endoscopically tracks the movement of foodstuffs through the alimentary canals of noted architects – from mastication to defecation, it’s all about the journey in this no holes barred gastrozine
  6. Vanity Good – A less literary version of Vanity Fair marketed to a “more better class of reader.”
  7. Advanced Web Design – Not for humans, but for spiders looking for new web-based layouts instead of the boring old preprogrammed genetic ones we’re all too familiar with. An advice column advises spiders how to cope with systemic arachnophobia.
  8. Popular Mechanics II – Celebrating well-liked laborers and other popular mechanics.
  9. Field & Stream II – Focuses on how Sally Field is coping with her streaming services.
  10. Chair Massage Monthly – For sedentary people who want to “give back” to their chairs. Why someone would want to massage their chair is beyond me, but, apparently many chairs yearn to have their arms, legs, chairbacks and even seats massaged. I know I like my seat massage, so I won’t sit in judgment of chairs. What’s next? Bread massage. Who kneads that?
  11. Who’s a Good Boy? magazine – Sister publication to Well Yes You Are. It’s a magazine claiming to be designed by dogs for dogs, but you can see the American Kennel Club’s paw prints all over this puppy. Dog POV articles include:
    1. If the Tables Were Turned I’d Gladly Scoop My Master’s Poop
    2. Overcoming the Stigma of Dog Shaming
    3. If Only Hitler was Given a Puppy Instead of a Swastika, Things Would’ve Been a Lot Different
  12. Slow Fly magazine – This very limited appeal periodical offers emotional support to sluggish flies who, through no fault of their own, fly very, very slowly and are likely doomed to a life of an early flattening. Phlegmatic flies are identified early (usually in the maggot stage) and told this publication is their last best hope to cope. Articles include: How I Survived a SWAT Team and the truculent So yeah, I’m in the buttermilk. Go shoo yourself.
  13. 4-Ply Toilet Paper Gazette – A magazine geared to rich assh*les. It bills itself as “Soft as a kittens belly.” At the Charmin Softness Awards Ceremony, 4-Ply Toilet Paper managed a clean sweep of all honors – and as we all know, a clean sweep is a rarity for this kind of thing.
  14. Recycled Towel Magazine – This old rag has been wiping up the competition for years with absorbing stories wrung from the fabric of society…OK. I’ll just stop there.
  15. Invisible People Magazine – A magazine for the faceless masses who subscribe to it – the Silent and Unseen Majority. This publication has a short shelf life because it’s written in disappearing ink. The cartoon page is boffo. Shows a busy doctor informing his nurse, “Tell the invisible man I can’t possibly see him today.” And the whole time the invisible patient is standing right there…completely naked.
  16. Bedsore Illustrated – Sports Illustrated rude attempt to parlay their success in the sporting field into the medical field. The February swimsuit edition was a disaster. And after many reader complaints, the scratch and sniff page was discontinued.
  17. Fine Print AficionadoFor people who think small
  18. AARP for Kids – For the pre-retirement demographic of ages 0-12. Prepares youngsters for a rigorous life of early bird dinners, entitlement programs, reverse mortgages and participation trophies in the form of senior discounts you’ve earned simply because you can still fog a mirror. Inaugural issue has Shawn Mendes on the cover. Yeah, I didn’t know who he was either till I Googled him.
  19. Microwave Aficionado – Again, not what you think. This specialized publication glorifies, celebrates and demonstrates methods of very tiny handwaving.
  20. Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific Magazine – Originally published as: I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Magazine. For some reason this publication melts in your mouth, not in your hands. Anyway if you’re considering subscribing – Just Do It.
  21. Playman…of a Certain Age – Playboy publication geared for older men. The centerfold is really hard to unfold, like those produce bags at the grocery store. Articles include: How do I Know if She’s Blonde or Brunette if All Her Hair is Gray? And Do Walk-in Bathtubs Ruin the Mood?
  22. Playlady…of a Certain Age – A Playboy publication for women who no longer have to worry about birth control. Features include: How to Gently Suggest to Your Partner It’s Time for a Scrotal Bra and What to Do When the Grandkids Find the Vibrator
  23. Highlights for Dull Normals – A simplified version of Highlights for Children. Sections include: Which Hand is Missing Thumb? and Should You Take It Personally When a Monkey Throws Feces at You?
  24. Better Huts and Gardens – For the paleo-man who prefers to party like it’s 22,000 BC. This instructive periodical informs natives how to make “grub sushi”, how to hollow out a trre trunk to create a very personal commode and what to do when a beaver overstays its welcome.
  25. Them – A semantic hybrid of Us and People, Them magazine focuses on social alienation because you’re you, and not Them. As always each issue of Them is printed in the 3rd person. 
  26. Tissue Magazine – I have every issue of Tissue ever issued, and if I have an issue with Tissue, it’s that I don’t know if it’s about Kleenex (tissue) or sinew (tissue).
  27. You’re Way Too Interested in My Armpits So Get the Hell Away From Me You Creep…Magazine – Whether your armpits are convex or concave this self-defense publication will keep them right where they belong; safely concealed under your shoulders and away from the prying eyes of armpit fetishists. Articles include:
    1. Vegas Pit Boss Tosses Oglers from Caesar’s Who Were Eyeing Women with Arms Akimbo
    2. Is that Museum Visitor Appreciating the Art or Just Staring at the Venus de Milo’s Armpits?
  28. Pharm Living – This Big Pharma publication highlights methods of improving crop yields through the use of non-FDA approved, Vegetable Enhancing Drugs (VEDs). Articles include:
    1. Garnish Industry Rocked by 80 lb. Radishes and 9-foot Parsley Sprigs
    2. Dwarf Fruit Trees Now Dwarf Regular Fruit Trees
    3. Auto Industry Reports a Bumper Crop of Bumpers
  29. Aviation Hour – Companion publication to Aviation Week. Why wait a whole week for aviation news when you can receive hourly updates stuffed directly into your mailbox? A lifeline for OCD pilots. Subscription comes with a complimentary hangar to store all your magazines delivered every hour 24/7. Largest carbon footprint of anything ever printed.
  30. Amish Life – Addresses such questions as:
    1. Amish Identity Crisis: Am I really “Am” or am I just Am-ish?
    2. Trying to Overcome Horse and Buggy Thinking
    3. Is it Morally Wrong to Eat Until You’re Satisfied?
    4. Amish Exorcisms in Southern Pennsylvania: Untainting a Taint
    5. Does God Want Us to Inhale?
    6. Is Gravity Just Holding Us Down, or is There More to It?
    7. If Cleanliness is Next to Godliness, What’s Tidiness Near?
    8. Helga Participated in a Wet Bonnet Contest, We Must Stone Her?

Magazines That Went Bankrupt and the Reasons Thereof

  1. Origami Magazine – Folded
  2. Weight Watchers Digest – Went belly up
  3. 25% Quarterly – Too Redundant
  4. Modern Slavery – The Civil War
  5. Mad Magazine – The Internet
  6. Thyme Magazine – Herbal copycat never stood a chance
  7. Beast Magazine – Was beauty killed the Beast