Archive for January, 2017
So What Else is New?
Dateline: 4 July 2012, Geneva, Switzerland at CERN (European Organization for Nuclear Research)
Dispiriting news from the world of Quantum Physics. Shortly after CERN research scientists confirmed the existence of the so-called “God particle” (aka the Higgs boson), a group of contrarian nuclear physicists calling themselves Doctor’s Without Scruples denounced the finding and proclaimed the so-called “God particle” to be nothing more than Cosmological Dandruff. Although there were many competing theories explaining the particle’s composition, Doctor’s Without Scruples believe their Cosmological Dandruff theory was Head & Shoulders above the rest.
None of the other polar bears noticed the albino polar bear. Why would they? He blended right in and was all white with everybody. That is until one day somebody taunted, “Hey Rudolph, what’s up with that pink nose. You gonna guide somebody’s sleigh tonight?”
To which Rudolpho (he was a Spanish polar bear) replied, “I’m a polar bear just like you. Judge me by the content of my character not the color of my nose.”
A great lesson was learned that day and soon all the polar bears were holding paws and singing ♫I’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.♫
The Coca-Cola Company then sued the polar bears for copyright infringement of intellectual property.
Are you kidding me? As Journey said in “Don’t Stop Believing”: It goes on and on and on and on…
A Spoof on Stone Age Living – by Rock O’Fages
Disclaimer: In the world of comedy writing, spoof is a cringe-worthy word on par with yuckfest or laugh-o-rama. I would not be guardedly optimistic about reading a spoof on cavemen. Quite the opposite. I’d be carelessly pessimistic about reading a spoof on cavemen. “Spoof” is a comedic red flag and as unfunny as seeing the word hijinks in the description of a caveman spoof: as in “Ogg takes a wife and hijinks ensue.” Can’t wait to read that – not. I must disclose I have a steamy wordmance and a mad nouncrush on the word hijinks. Hijinks has beauty marks only a literary cosmetologist could love – 3 consecutive dotted letters (iji). The only other words that come close are ḋu̇ṁb and ḍụṃber, and you won’t find me taking them out for dinner and a movie. Read the rest of this entry »
A recently discovered love letter from William Shakespeare to Gwendolyn Fairskin, the nanny of his children, has or “hath” (as we slide down the slippery slope of Olde English) sparked great controversy and set Shakespearian scholars scurrying to verify its authorship. Did the venerable Bard of Avon write this revealing mash note to Ms. Fairskin? Moreover, did he author any of the magnificent plays attributed to him? I leave that question to the Bureau of Weights and Measures or whoever authenticates these things. All I know is; me thinks tis true – that this steamy epistle is the work of Shakespeare in love.
And if its discovery wasn’t startling enough, manuscript antiquarians have discerned a note scrawled on the outside of the folded parchment believed to read: “Alloweth not David Hardiman of Reno-upon-Truckee any view upon this missive.” Well tough luck Willie. Your prescience will go unrewarded as I dutifully present your heartfelt spasms to an adoring audience of enthusiastic Shake-o-philes.
Posing as a calibration technician for the Bureau of Weights and Measures I’ve gained access to the randy letter and carefully translated it from its original Pig Latin (he wrote it in code in case it was intercepted) to the more familiar Olde English, thereby allowing it to exhibit the expected Shakespearian rhythm we’re all comfortable with. T’would be imprudent to translateth otherwise. Read the rest of this entry »
There are really 2 facets to getting up in the morning (if indeed it still is morning). First there’s the waking up portion (easy). Then there’s getting out of bed portion (not so easy). And this is where The 7 Stages Of Getting Out Of Bed come into play:
- Shock – Why me? I didn’t ask to be born. Stupid horny parents.
- Denial – Surely this alarm was meant for somebody who gives a sh*t.
- Bargaining – If keep binge-watching Netflix maybe it will all go away?
- Guilt – I shouldn’t have gotten in line twice when they passed out the “sleepy gene.” Oh well, ♫Cheer up Sleepy Jean ♫.
- Anger – It’s still Obama’s fault.
- Depression – I don’t even want to eat. I swear I’m going to stop feeding myself.
- Acceptance/hope – Well all this thinking has made me hungry. And since I need money for food, alright I’ll get up and go to work. Next incarnation I hope to come back as a bed so I can lie around all freakin day – yeah that’s right I said “freakin”.
Watch for my next installment of Life Coping Skills when I illuminate the 7 Stages Of Discovering They Got Your Drive-Thru Order Wrong. When you’re 5 miles away.
What better way to ring in the New Year than with a new doorbell chime. I’d been wanting to make some changes in my life for a while because (to paraphrase Bob Dylan) ♫The chimes, they are a-changing♫. What better way to tell the world you’re getting your personal thing together than to swap out your 22-year-old doorbell chime. The traditional F-sharp to D-flat dyad would no longer do. I needed something that bespoke the changes that had happened in my life. I thought a C# to an A would say everything my heart couldn’t.
And you know something? Friends started to notice. They mentioned it to me; “Hey Dave. There’s something different about you and I can’t quite put my finger on it?” That’s when I showed them my new doorbell ringer and then they could put their finger on it. Then they understood. They would ring my bell with great certainty and remark “Now I no longer have to ask, ‘For whom the bell chimes?’ For it chimes for thee.” Heavy stuff. But I guess that’s what you have to go through when you break on through to the other side. Read the rest of this entry »
Warning: This easily contrived list has no nutritive value and is not a substitute for a healthy, well-balanced chuckle. Prolonged exposure to this list may result in Ben Carson. Don’t ask me how, it just does. I learned that the hard way.
1. Hollow Core Oreos: For the cookie connoisseur who supports the 2nd Amendment. Tagline: Too good to share. They’ll have to pry them from your cold, dead hand.
2. SPAT: Made from the leftovers in the manufacturing process of SPAM. It’s the “pressed particle board” of canned meats. Doesn’t require refrigeration. Sealed in a thick, lustrous mammalian gel.
3. Briny’s Extra-sodium Soy Sauce: For those on a sodium-augmented diet. Ask your doctor if Briny’s Extra-sodium Soy Sauce is right for you. May cause drowsiness in sleepy people.
4. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Lymph Nodes: General Foods is at it again. This time with whatever else was left on the slaughterhouse floor. Originally marketed as Abattoir’s Sluice Treats.
5. Kraft Cheez-ernutter: Finally a pliable emulsion combining the convenience of semi-permeable Cheez Whiz with the gooey madness of marshmallow crème (whatever that is). Comes co-branded with Sara Lee’s Multi-grain Manhole Covers.
6. Brennan’s Very Dirty Rice: Made at their prison-labor plant in Typhoid Springs, Louisiana, this new take on an old favorite is popular with hospice patients and the nurses who love them.
7. Newman’s Own Nothings: A pouch of self-satisfied air consumers can feel good about purchasing; as all proceeds go to a bunch of vague do-gooders.
8. Nabisco Extra-Crispy Frackers: Freeze-dried crunchy remains of oil workers who died while fracking. Marketed under the slogan: They’re so Fracking good you’ll want to horizontally drill a loved one.
9. Yeech! : A kind of Headcheese, but made from the asses of expired zoo animals. Greenpeace assures Vegans that no plants were harmed in the making of this product.
10. Orange-Flavored Quik: Nestlé’s marketing dept. figured if America could elect an orange-flavored President, why wouldn’t at least 46% of the people want an orange-flavored milk beverage
11. Kellogg’s Unfrosted Maxi-Wheats: For the contrarian cereal eater who finds Frosted Mini-Wheats a little too cutesy.
12. Gerber’s Strained Credulity: A grained-based baby food that’s hard to believe in.
The following is a compendium of unrelated scenes and observations demonstrating why this world is the kind of place you’d like to settle down and raise your cholesterol. Think of these scenes as thin slices of life served up on a bed of roses, or on a bed of nails; depending on how rose-tinted your glasses are. This anthology (now upgraded from a mere compendium) is formulated with your privacy choices in mind. Should you wish to opt out and decide not to read them, I will not share your personal information with any of my subsidiaries, affiliates or nephews. However I do maintain certain files that include pictures of you smelling something really funky when you thought no one else was watching. It may be the only leverage I have to persuade you to read this appetizer-sized literary snack. I’m not blackmailing you. It’s called scent-shaming and I’m not afraid to use it. By the way, do you prefer your scent-shaming in Pumpkin Spice or Stinky Pinky?
In any event, please place your tray table in the upright and locked position. Put your head in airplane mode and enjoy these complimentary in-flight observations. Remember: life is about the journey so whether you paid full retail for your seat or used your Frequent Fretters’ miles, sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.
Caution: These observations were produced on equipment used in processing peanuts, tree nuts and dairy products. Consume them judiciously. Read the rest of this entry »
Well it’s that time of year again. No, not Amnesia Awareness Month, but Girl Scout Cookies Extortion Month, where citizens leaving grocery stores and banks are guilted into purchasing enough high-fructose cookies to power an aircraft carrier. There are some new varieties this year and I thought I’d highlight them for you:
- Binge Mints
- Heimlich Chokies
- Nutty Doofuses
- Transgendered Something er Others
- WMDs (Wafers of Mass Delight)
- Vegan Flytraps
- Lemon Nothings
- Extra-Gluten Peanut Clusters w/Benadryl
- Fracture Snaps
- Pralines ‘n Lint
- Whoopsie Daisies
- LGBTs (Loganberry Treats)
- Toucan Sandies
- Three Can Ednas
- Buttered Goobledygooks
- Sugar-free Why Bothers
- Upside-Down Right-Side-Ups
- Powdered Snowglobes
- Goiter Drops
- Tagalogs (Available in Philippines only)
- Double Stuff Oreogasms (Women may have as many as they’d like, but men must wait at least 1 hour between cookies.)
- Esophageal Conundrums
- Silicon Wafers
- Isaac Newtons