Archive for the ‘The Stories’ Category

Disney Reinvents Vacation Bible Schools

Separation of Church and State – yes. But nowhere does it say anything about separation of Church and Mouse. Witness Disney’s all new Promised Land theme park.

These days most kids view Vacation Bible Schools as a sentence to endure rather than a vacation to enjoy. They hope to avoid the drudgery of Deuteronomy by kidsplainin’ to their parents, “C’mon mom, there’s an app for it now.” For many people, Vacation + Bible + School just doesn’t add up. While to some it’s a celebration of scripture, to others it’s a well-intentioned holiday in hell. Separately each word of Vacation Bible School has great merit.  

Vacation: Good. Who doesn’t like a nice long vacation?

Bible: Also Good. Even though today’s modern reader must factor-in the ancient mindset of the benighted authors of the day who had no idea Tater Tots would forever change the way we think about potatoes.  

School: Mostly good. It’s an educational place where you can learn important things like how to ask out girls without having your voice crack.  

So separately the words are all good. But put them all together and what have you got – a recipe for “Is my sentence up yet?”

I doesn’t matter what you call it: Bible Boot Camp, a Vacation with God or a Holiday in Heaven, the words Vacation, Bible and School just don’t fit together – kind of like Reasonable Attorney Fees or Non-Stop Flight. So what is to be done about Vacation Bible Schools’ sagging attendance by an increasingly secular audience? As you might expect, the Walt Disney Company has an answer.   Read the rest of this entry »

St. Peter Reissues CC&Rs for the Gated Community Known as Heaven

“Just let me check your credentials and I’ll let you right in. You do have your credentials, right?”

While it’s true that Heaven’s eligibility requirements have remained unaltered since God first sneezed the Cosmos into existence 15 billion years ago (6,000 years ago for my orthodox Christian friends), a growing chorus of HOA members have begun to proclaim the right to print their own Golden Ticket to Heaven. HOA President-for-life and creator of the gated community, our Almighty Lord, was at a loss to explain the misunderstanding – especially since he thought he’d been preaching to the chorus the whole time. Through his chosen emissary and longtime Pearly Gate bouncer St. Peter, the Lord reminded us that, “The laws of the Cosmos are unbending and universally applicative. There isn’t some ‘Yeah, well Heaven’s requirements might apply to faceless masses toiling in the fields, but surely not to sophisticated, self-aware souls like me who were into the whole craft beer thing before it became mainstream’.” 

St. Peter went on to explain: “There is no work around for entitled souls that will catapult their privileged asses into the vault of Heaven. Your karmic résumé must reflect balance, otherwise you’ll be catapulted back into another birth till you wake up and smell the karma. Sometimes it stinks to high heaven and other times it’s your best friend to break you out of the illusion of separateness. It will even out. It must. It does. These are not my laws inasmuch as they are the laws. Don’t blame the messenger. I’m just passing it on. This link may be of aid: Paths to God (not preachy) Read the rest of this entry »

A Laplander’s Lament

No Joke: This is Lapland’s Coat of Arms. Why he’s almost naked is beyond comprehension as is the cold up here in “The Land that Heat Forgot.”

Hallå, my name is Dàvvet Østend and I live in Lapland – the frozenest place on earth. Actually “live” might not be the operative word to describe existence here. “Survive” might be a better word. Lapland is an icy and forbidding landscape located on the fringes of Scandinavia, well north of the Arctic Circle, where nothing should be located except imaginary lines and Norse mythologies. Lapland is not a God forsaken land. It’s just a forsaken land – God doesn’t even bother with us. Neither does Google. They won’t even map us. Then again, aren’t God and Google really the same thing, except Google knows more about you than God does?  

 

Lost in Frost

Growing up here in “the land that heat forgot” my body temperature never rose above 95°. Hypothermia was the norm and 95° was the new 98.6°. I lamented the depths of my frozen plight to wise old Uncle Anders. And this esteemed tribal elder bestowed upon me his Nordic wisdom, born of years of frigid deprivation: “You see Dàvvet, up here in Lapland, we’re all just in between bowel movements. No more, no less.” As I slowly backed away from my dear old uncle I realized that the constant cold had left both his philosophies and his potatoes half-baked. Read the rest of this entry »

The Bible: If It was Written by…

 

… IT Technicians

Genesis: The Book of DOS

Inspiration is where you find it. Interpretation is quite another thing.

In the Beginning there were vacuum tubes. And from that darkness emerged transistors. And God swept over the face of these primitive semiconductors and lo, the silicon chip did appear. The Almighty, whilst toiling in his garage in the constellation of Palo Alto Minor, did build his Earthly platform from whatever he had laying around: chicken wire, roofing shingles and old Playboy magazines. Yea verily. He built it he did. And he saw that it was good. And on that first day of Build 1.0 he proclaimeth the Earth as an ethically-sourced, sustainably-produced, fair-wage platform suitable for populating with his children. And so it was. And he programmed them so that they were fruitful and multiplied. Some fruitier than others – especially in the area known as San Francisco.

But all was not kosher in Denmark. His vast design was soon deconstructed and copied by angels who had fallen from the vault of heaven and became known as “hackers.” They pirated his Will and twisted it into a gross caricature of his original intent. Thus was born Original Malware. And so the world grew, strewn with good and bad which was expressed as long strings of 1’s and 0’s. The once pristine World Wide Web, a platform of limitless potential, had become a saturated thicket of cat videos and ads for penis-hardeners. And mankind began to lose his identity and fall back into the illusion of his separateness from his source. So much so that when purchasing things online, he was required to tell Big Brother, “I am not a robot.” Man reminding his father he is not a robot – how poignant. Read the rest of this entry »

New Netflix Series Reviewed

Internet (Net) and movies (flix, for the flickering light once associated with silent movies) have been combined in a cuckoo hip way to form what we know as Netflix. I pray you understand that.

As a savvy and demanding public of cord cutters continues to fragment the entertainment industry, Netflix has attempted valiantly to reconnect these fragments with prestige shows featuring ever more obscure premises. For example my neighbor Sam is actually in contract with Netflix for a show called Guess What I had for Dinner Last Night? And although the shows thin premise will appeal to a demographic limited to the people in Sam’s immediate household, apparently Netflix’s business model has found a way to make it profitable. These are shows you’ll never see on network TV because, ummm, who sees network TV anymore. Well that and the gratuitous use of swear words.

As a man of serious leisure and humorous disposition, I’ve taken the time to catalogue and review this year’s offerings from Netflix so you may more productively spend your hard-earned discretionary time. Incidentally, if Netflix finds this presentation entertaining, they say they’ll finance a series called It’s Fun to Play Make Believe Featuring David Hardiman and His Imaginary Friends.     

And so it is with lightly-bridled joy and many grains of salt I take great pleasure in presenting my review of new Netflix series.   

 

I Married an Eggplant

After matrimonial laws are changed in Massachusetts, vegetarian Trudy Lessing marries a very special eggplant from her secret garden. All is not well however in the Garden of Trudy when Roger (the eggplant) develops second thoughts about their marriage when he discovers Trudy is a vegetarian and is eating all his brothers and sisters. In an effort to improve their relationship Trudy becomes a strict carnivore, but then runs afoul of her militant PETA friends. It’s just one thing after another as no good deed goes unpunished in this odd couple romance. In Season 2 Episode 8 Trudy discovers Roger spooning with a curvy cucumber which leads to a very awkward threesome. In the season finale the Animal and Plant Kingdom become one when Trudy gives birth to a well-adjusted baby “egg man.” And when a teary-eyed Roger first holds his little sprig of joy he sings, “You are the egg man, goo goo g’joob.”       Read the rest of this entry »

Hardiman Reviews Designer Marijuana

Today’s thermonuclear pot pellets will take the top of your head off if you’re not careful. So be careful. Here’s how.

Reefer madness is back in a big and legal way and agribusiness (or the Agri-ceutical Business as I call it) is scrambling to expand their market share by creating more designer strains of weed than you can shake a ganja stick at. In appealing to recreational users in underserved niches growers have formulated some highly customized experiences bordering on the absurd. Accordingly, this sincere satirization of those formulations also borders on the absurd and is in keeping with the general weirdness of marijana experiences to begin with. So even though this is a work of fiction, it’s never too far from reality.

My purported purpose (yes – a purported purpose) in writing this piece is to help the uninitiated select a designer pot that’s right for them. Having said that (I love to say that), my real purpose is to generate the knowing smirk we all exhibit when we become momentarily free from years of accumulated struggles. For some it takes the power of an NDE (Near Death Experience) to convince us that all is not as it seems. But usually this knowing smirk is generated more prosaically.

For example sometimes this kind of liberating interruption visits us when we’re right in the middle of doing something very human – as in this case, optimizing our reefer choices. Perhaps your knowing smirk may appear between sentences, or maybe as you look away from the words and all your pretense vanishes. It may not come at all even though you know it’s there. Sometimes you just can’t get there until you’ve plowed through enough of life’s buffeting experiences and finally surrender into, “Alright. Enough already. I get it.” And then we may get that window on the marvel behind all creation – and this isn’t the pot talking either.

I’m holding out for a lot here, and the medium I’ve chosen (a silly faux review of designer pot) is perhaps not the most direct route to this level of self-awareness, however rest assured, whether you feel it or not, it’s all happening anyway – is this coming through? Alright I’ll get on with it. Read the rest of this entry »

Just Because It’s There, Doesn’t Mean I Have to Climb It: On Not Climbing Everest

They paid to do this. A mule train of mountaineers searching for their peak experience on Mount Everest.

Mount Everest is 29,000 ft. tall, but assaulting the summit actually begins at Base Camp which is at 18,000 feet. So in reality it’s an 11,000 ft. climb. But please, do not think I’m trying to diminish this redoubtable feat. Far from it. Successfully summiting Everest involves a mighty confluence of endurance, planning, money and oxygen. And let us not forget that even though Base Camp is at a lofty 18,000 ft., airplane oxygen masks drop down at 14,000 ft. – that is, “in the unlikely event of cabin depressurization.”

 

And not too diminish the majesty of Mount Everest; but due to a geologic quirk in the earth’s Jello-ey innards, Everest is not even the highest point on earth. That distinction belongs to Mount Chimborazo in Ecuador, sticking up at a pedestrian 20,703 ft. So even though Mount Everest has a higher cardinal altitude, Chimborazo has the distinction of being the “highest mountain or point above Earth’s center,” because Earth is not a sphere. It’s an oblate spheroid and bulges in certain areas (like most of us do) rendering Mount Chimborazo “closer” to outer space than Mount Everest.

Read the rest of this entry »

Oh How the Mighty have Fallen – The Almighty

God Accused of the Nonconsensual and Unwelcomed Relocation of Vulnerable Souls from their True Home in Fabulous Heaven to the Crude Habitat of Problematic Earth

“Am I really that asleep whereby I can’t sense this stuff” I asked?
“Yes, you are that asleep” said my soul.

Is this just another case of soulful harassment so prevalent these days? Well, as we’ll see it may depend on your perspective.

 

The Dam Breaks

A trickle of repressed memories bravely voiced by a few earthbound souls has led to a torrent of recovered memories by other souls who’ve come forward to corroborate disturbing accounts of being forcibly evicted from their lofty perch in fabulous heaven and relegated to the surly confines of problematic earth.  

And even though she’s not been asked, attorney Gloria Allred has agreed to represent the entire human race of 7.5 billion people in a class action suit of Everyone vs. The All-Being. She seeks to restore her would-be clients to their former heavenly station, including the wings, halos and the ecstatic drama-free environment they were accustomed to. “We know of no compelling reason why the Almighty chose to arbitrarily cast out his adoring flock into a far flung Earthly outpost devoid of the unity, love and clarity so abundant in their rightful home. His capricious action is doubly painful because he seems to be doing it simply for his own amusement,” offered the well-intentioned Allred. Read the rest of this entry »

Murder on the Opioid Express

The first vial has only a little powder. The second one is virtually empty. Both are lethal doses. Vile indeed.

By all accounts the opioid crisis is intensifying and the country’s failure to address it has less to do with its lethality and everything to do with the weird optics of the word opioid. Who can relate to an opioid that sounds more like the kid on The Andy Griffith Show than a serious public health issue? If 4 of the first 5 letters weren’t vowels we might not be ankle deep in overdoses and the opioid crisis may have gone the way of smallpox, polio and disco. Instead this deadly wave has become a tsunami and all because the public at large can’t warm-up to the word opioid. The same thing happened with the word Hillary in the last election. Read the rest of this entry »

Breaking News: Letters of the Alphabet Vote to Unionize

It can’t happen here. A nation held hostage by its alphabetic benefactors? Not if we improve our ways.

Nation Held Spellbound as Letters Threaten to Strike 

Here’s What We Know So Far:

  • Letters, apparently enraged over polluted public discourse demand a return to civility
  • Alphabetic job action threatens to rearrange pre-existing letters of all written material unless hostility is curbed and honesty restored
  • In a muscular display of alphabetic resolve, the alphabet has collectively agreed to alter the letters of 2 well-known items to demonstrate their resoluteness. Henceforth the letters on the box cover of the game Chutes-n-Ladders will read Shoots-n-Cleavage. And shampoo instructions now direct you to: lather, rinse, defibrillate. What’s next? STOP signs reading GO.
  • Cursive, Calligraphic and Cyrillic Letters have voted to join their block-letter brothers in seeking better working conditions
  • Arabic letters vow to support any job action, providing the curvier letters are draped in black
  • Hieroglyphs, graffiti and most other symbols follow suit. In Egypt, the pictographs in the tomb of Ramses II have joined the cause and morphed into several Peanuts comic strips.
  • No word yet from Emojis. In fact, none expected. After all, they’re emojis. They did however send a 😀 .
  • Hebrew alphabet, under pressure from the Right to Left Party, remains a holdout  
  • “@” symbol agrees to remain in the public domain so people can still get email
  • Early languages (Sanskrit, Latin and Greek) side with museum curators and refuse to participate in the job action in order to preserve integrity of ancient scrolls
  • Strike seen as a threat to all written material except doctor’s prescriptions which no one can read anyway
  • Seeds of discontent sowed early on in the Primordial Alphabet Soup of Life
  • President tweets “Those Sons of Bitch letters better get back in line or they’re fired. JOBS.” But all 140 letters take a knee and the tweet appears as, “Life with Melania is one long celibation! SOBS.”
  • Authors have come out against the strike calling the job action “Censorship.” The alphabet calls their action “Repositioning.”
  • Read the entire story below on how it all happened

Read the rest of this entry »