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This Preposterous Anecdote has the Advantage of Being Absolutely True

This story alone rates a book in itself and is probably my most requested story. Whenever I’m with friends or family and they realize someone hasn’t heard it yet, they invariably plead, “Oh please, tell them the Toby story.” And I will and it goes something like this:

I was fortunate that whenever I had idle time I could be immediately and profitably absorbed into the work force at our family glass and mirror company known as Eastwood Glass. And during summers I worked there as a glazier-in-waiting, learning the trade and making limited contributions. On this particular day, August 11th 1974 (which I simply refer to now as 8-1-1) I knocked off work around 5 and my dad dropped me off back home. He dropped me off because he didn’t live there. He lived in back of the glass works sleeping on a cot with a shotgun resting against an open dresser constructed of plywood and 2X4s where he stored his meager clothing (I kid you not). There were quarters.

 

In any event, leaving dad and entering our modest 3-bedroom 1 bath 1100 sq. ft. middle class home, I was eagerly greeted by our excitable Yorkshire Terrier named Toby. In his eyes, I’d returned from the hunt and he was welcoming me back to the pack. He proceeded to jump up and down demanding his slobbering dollop of canine attention. Standing there in the hot doorway, I wasn’t prepared to bestow any doggy love. Instead, on this steamy summer day I walked down the long hallway and lay down on my sister’s bed to stretch out and relax. This allowed the little yapper to jump up on the bed, surmount my chest and commence to give me a proper pooch greeting by furiously licking my face.

 

Now even though I was only 13 years old, it had been a long day and my fatigue was manifested in a glorious and well-earned yawn. The kind where your eyes close and your jaw unhinges as you fully articulate the yawn cycle. As my eyes lazily opened and Toby was frenetically slurping my face, I witnessed something no human being should ever have to see. Evidently that little Yorkshire Terrorist Toby, had just eaten his Alpo prior to my arrival and as he stood on my chest joyfully licking his master’s face it happened. Without any indication something wretched was about to occur, he forcefully jettisoned a freshly digested arc of slimy dog vomit into my gaping mouth, past my retracted tongue, off my dangling uvula and into the back of my throat where it rebounded forward until the offending chunks rested on my taste buds.

 

This got my attention. It was a million to one swish from 3-point range. I was helpless as the putrid steamy lumps passed unscathed right past my teeth and rained down into the inner recesses of my now violated pie hole. I know that Einstein was correct in his theories of time dilation because as I jetted to the bathroom at the speed of light to wash out my mouth, time actually did slow down and I was able to experience the event in slow motion. Now if there’s one thing to be learned from all this it’s that you’ve never really experienced life until you’ve felt hot chunky dog puke ricochet off the back of your throat and onto your tongue. To this day I cannot yawn without sealing both hands over my mouth.

Seeking Better Working Conditions, Gemstones Threaten Job Action

Gemstones, long thought to be perfectly content being ogled for their beauty, are now demanding to be recognized for their brains too. Spokeswoman Katie Clarity remarked, “Gemstones are more than just Pet Rocks and they deserve to be treated like the elegant ornaments they are, and not the trophy trinkets they’ve become. These precious stones, incubated within Mother Earth’s geologic uterus, are primordial bling and worthy of your deepest appreciation.”  

 

Gemstones: Coming of Age

Dazzling!

Probably as a result of exposure to AI’s ChatGPT and the contrails of certain airplanes, many gemstones have anthropomorphized to the point where they are not only sentient, but also fraught with feelings. These days there’s no telling what their state of mind might be – especially when it comes to those fickle “mood rings.”

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In recent years, self-aware gemstones have slowly evolved from bimbo baubles to accomplished adornments. They can no longer abide being gawked at for their superficial charms and then, when the party is over, crated away in some dark jewelry box like an anxious Pet Rock looking for comforting refuge. Some say these newly-conscious jewels are acting way too “precious.” But what else should we expect? They are precious – literally. They are precious stones just playing their part.  

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The New 14 Commandments

(As It Pertains to Peoples’ Names)

Be it known to all homo sapiens, that I (your eternal pal, the Almighty) am not a fan of these designer, boutique names that so many of my errant flock have wantonly applied to themselves. These hip-hop and vacuous monikers conjure up unjustified notions of characters ranging from gilded royalty to gritty street urchins. It is therefore incumbent upon me to apply some long overdue divine intervention in the realm of names.

 

Commencing immediately I shall expunge all names with hyphens, numbers or overly long names with too many consonants that even I lose interest in pronouncing halfway through. I fully support plain, understandable American names – the way I meant them to be. Stout, coherent names like Calvin Coolidge, Courtney Cox or Neil Armstrong. Bear in mind, P Diddy or Lizzo or Dua Lipa are not names. They’re brand names. Alanis Morrisette is as exotic as a name needs to be.

 

It is my edict that all single names are abolished. Except for Cher. I’m grandfathering her in. Only she and my son Jesus get to keep their one-word names. Names like Marlon Brando, Harry Belafonte or Sophia Loren are wonderful names and lightly evince a cachet of both sophistication and class – listening P Diddy or 50 Cent. Put another way: Alanis Morrisette – Good, Vanilla Ice – Bad. Listen my children, you’re already special. You don’t need to wrap yourself in a craven moniker to make you feel even more so.

 

So, as a service to my flock I’m providing guidelines for proper name-age. I bring forth these tablets from Mt. Sinai containing The New 14 Commandments as it pertains to names:

  1. Yeah, what he said.

    Henceforth all middle names shall be smack in the middle of the name, where they belong. They shall have a one-word first name on the left side, and a one-word surname on the right side. And because I’m such a compassionate Deity, exceptions to this rule are allowed in the South for Billy Bob’s, Billy Jo’s and Mary Kay’s.

 

  1. All believers shall be permitted a one-word last name. No hyphens. No two parts. If one is to marry another, one can either take the spouse’s name or keep their own, period. Let us never forget what happened when Caroline Cumberbatch married Reginald Humperdinck and became Caroline Cumberbatch-Humperdinck. That’s a mouthful the Church simply cannot countenance. It’s inherently disordered.

Hyphenated last names left untreated can lead to even graver consequences, as when Sheila Campanella-Firestone married Kenneth Binswanger-Kravitz, and kept her name while adopting his. Suddenly we were introducing, Sheila Campanella-Firestone Binswanger-Kravitz to her wedding planner, Kirsten Moultrie-Goddard Bulwer-Cavendish. This is unsustainable and must end now. Non-simplifiers shall be smote on the thumbs with a branding iron of not less than 350°.

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  1. And as a friendly reminder, ye shall not take the Lord’s name in vain, nor shall ye take any drugs in vein

 

  1. Nicknames are fine (“Buzz” Aldrin for example), but thou shalt not be generally known by a one-word name like Lizzo, Ye or Pink. As mentioned, Cher will be grandmothered in and allowed to keep Cher (Sarkisian). And of course, baby Jesus’ name is untouchable; and if he approves it (after consulting with his mother), Madonna may keep her single name.

 

And one more thing about this “Ye” guy who arrogates to himself powers of arbitration on all that’s fashionable; he is not Ye. Talk about your false idols, Ye is a fraud. I am Ye. John Lennon said it best about Ye when he sang: ♫I am Ye, as you are Ye, and you are Me, and we are altogether. Goo Goo G’joob. ♫

 

 

  1. Under no circumstances may one covet thy neighbors’ name. Nor shall ye lay with another man’s name unless it be Sealy, Serta or Posturepedic.

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My Really, Really Old Friend Franco

I think it’s great, but some think history sphinx.

My buddy Franco is not elderly. Norman Lear was elderly. Franco is ancient. He’s older than dirt – literally. He’s so old he still suffers from hearing loss from standing too close to the original Big Bang. But more noteworthy is that he’s the only person with 24 pairs of chromosomes (instead of the usual 23) – a genetic mutation caused by a very tempting apple his mother Eve probably shouldn’t have eaten. Well, she was warned, but that’s another story.

And on the genes of that 24th chromosome were pristine DNA strands that prevented Franco’s bodily tissues from ever aging; so he’s never gotten old. He’s like one big stem cell. In fact, when he submitted his saliva for genetic testing to 23 and Me, the findings revealed he was related to everyone, everywhere, all at once. As a result, he’s the answer to the question: Who’s your daddy?

Not one to let the rich premise of a preposterous story escape my clutches, I decided to ask Franco about his many and varied experiences, lo these many epochs. And he enthusiastically shared with me great and colorful historical anecdotes I’ve highlighted below:

 

Franco is So Ancient That…

  1. He rented the last room at the Bethlehem Inn on Dec. 24th, forcing Mary & Joseph to camp out in the manger
  2. Franco had a platonic relationship…with Plato.
  3. His favorite soup? ­– Primordial
  4. He came to America via the Siberian-Alaskan land bridge (that is, once he got his Bering Strait)
  5. He used to call Methuselah “Junior”
  6. When a young Alfred Nobel won a church raffle in Sweden, it was Pastor Franco who presented him with the first ever Nobel Prize
  7. At different times of his life, he’s eaten various alphabet soups teeming with cuneiform, Cyrillic or English letters. He didn’t care much for the Egyptian hieroglyph soup – “too many ankhs, not enough ibises.”
  8. It was Franco’s idea to humanize his tribal leader Atilla by nicknaming him “the Hun”
  9. Same thing with Vlad. When the murderous tyrant wanted to instill even greater fear in his perceived enemies, it was the fertile mind of Franco who came up with “The Impaler.” And it stuck, so to speak.
  10. In addition to his platonic relationship with Plato, he had a tactile relationship with Play-Doh. Oh, how he loves his homonyms.

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♫ A Day in My Life ♫

 

Don’t think. Just remember.

It’s 1969. AD. I’m 8 years old and happily ensconced all alone in the cozy confines of my downstairs game room where I’m playing pool and groovin’ (yes, groovin’) to Beatles music on our state-of-the-art Magnavox Quadraphonic stereoI’m the best company a boy can have. And the beauty part is I’m never without me. And while I appreciate the company of other people, I especially like mine. I always seem to know exactly what I want to do and I never have to wait around for me to show up so I can do it. I’ve always been there for me. I have no choice. And being with myself in this special way (in the basement shooting pool and listening to the Beatles) was like a divinely choreographed yogic practice.

 

Sometimes the downstairs game room became my sacred subterranean sweat lodge. A place where I’d forget the world and remember myself. A place where sinking the 9-ball in the corner pocket would take on new meaning when set against the backdrop of John Lennon’s seductive lyrics, “I’d love to tuuurn yooou ooon.” Here in this sacred little kingdom I began to resonate with the background radiation of the universe. Tucked so serenely beneath the predictable tumult of a chattering world, life’s challenges didn’t need to be overcome because they didn’t exist; having disappeared into the side pocket by a combination of my trusty pool cue and a satisfyingly eerie dose of A Day in the Life. This downstairs sanctuary became a swirling meditation of colliding spheres and enchanting sounds – a microcosm of the universe with me at the center of my own time zone. And, like an ordinary iceberg whose superficial display belies its unseen massivity beneath, you’d have no idea any of this exalted stuff was going on if you happened to be outside looking in.

 

When the ethereal opening strains of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds began to permeate the overly-paneled game room, I’m transported to (or reassume) that naturally happy place I remember from before. And like the uncontaminated soul I was, I just assumed everyone was familiar with this place. As an 8-year-old you assume a lot of things and loving ubiquity is one of them. It’s a wonderful life when there’s nothing to fear. Judgments morph into ♫cellophane flowers of yellow and green towering over your head.♫ I was still open to the possibility of all things. Or should I say I wasn’t closed to the possibility of things yet. My hard case (aka my cranium) had not ossified sufficiently to block out the honeyed joy of my source. The Beatles helped me remember that place – the place I had left just 8 years earlier. Sgt. Pepper’s had a way of evoking that memory.

 

There was something so magical and mysterious about some of those Beatle songs. In a very cool and unintentional way they were pointing to a more substantial place. Not this clunky earth, which I admit is a great place if you’re suffering from RPS – Restless Penis Syndrome. But it still seems so makeshift and temporary – like some kind of put-up job for me to buy into and play my part. I can’t explain it (obviously). And I don’t know why I interpret it as I do. It’s not like I took any hallucinatory drug (unless you count a couple sleeves of Oreo’s). There was nothing cross-wired in my head beyond a preternatural urge to rediscover that power behind the curtain. Put another way; as welcomed as my mother’s corned beef hash and eggs were (and they were f*ckin’ awesome) no earthly attraction could contend with the calling of a million suns yearning to radiate from my pineal gland. Y’know, that place just behind where the Hindus put that red dot. Well they put it there for a reason.

 

The Beatles spiritually incendiary songs didn’t seem to be so much created, as they were plucked whole, from a vast ocean of shared experience and presented as the sonic essence of the unseen multiverses at work – not an easy thing for a thin vinyl disc to do. Circling the pool table with what seemed like the cunning mastery of a seasoned pool shark, I absorbed the insistent musical expressions of those Liverpudlian minstrels and felt clothed in the immense power of a warm and knowing presence.  

 

So all this is going on in my head while I’m stroking billiard balls on my grandfather’s pool table. The green felt pool table we inherited when he died in 1969. Shoot pool and grove to the vibe. It’s all I wanted to do. It’s all I needed to do – I didn’t need to Turn On, Tune In and Drop Out. I didn’t need to Be Here Now. I Was There Then. I knew. I remembered.

 

After a spell, this tendril of easy rapture would retreat. And in various turns I’d try to recall it, like those colorful snowfalls I remembered from the other place. Back within the klutzy confines of monochromatic earth I was crestfallen to see white snow falling. Especially when I knew the colorful snowflakes were just a click away. After a rousing session of enlightening BeatlesPool in the downstairs kiva, I loathed to reenter the bumptious outside world of drama, calamity and ♫silly people who run around and disagree and never win and wonder why they don’t get past my door.♫ From where I reposed in the buoyant joy of my downstairs amniotic sac, it was getting better all the time. All else was either intrusive or a pale imitation of what it could be. But it was the only game in town – at least the town of Syracuse where I lived.

 

My downstairs basement (as opposed to the upstairs basement) was, at times, a serene and contemplatively glorious Walden Pond where I played Walden Pool. With enough Oreos I could hold out there all night. I’d groove to the grooves on the 331/3 rpm LPs I stacked one atop another. I felt supremely alone and yet totally connected – the sublime contradiction undressed. My brother or sister might come home from a night out. They’d bound down the stairs and I’d see their whole experience before me while my sonic séance was unfolding in the sanctum of my groovy grotto. I inherently understood their scene (their concerns, their loveliness, our shared experience being in the same family). It wasn’t the 8-year-old that knew this, but rather the soul (call it what you will) within that understood it all while it revolved at 331/3 rpms.

 

I was fairly pure back then and seeing things as they were wasn’t anything I tried to do – it was just done. Inherent. As time marched on I accreted the obfuscating rime of everyday life – its praises, its patterns, its reproofs – and the next thing you know old Jed’s a millionaire. That’s not exactly what I meant to say, but you know what I mean. You can fill in the blanks. Remember them? I know you do. It’s twilight. You’re in a small body looking out the window at all the colorful snowflakes falling from the sky. Your dad pulls into the driveway. There’s an outline of presents in the back seat. Presents for everyone. Your best angels are right there and you remember yourself.

 

Anyway, it’s something like that. Be happy I (or anyone else) can’t describe transcendence in its full dimensional clarity – it’s better than that. Its grace to be savored and experienced, not understood through direct observational perception. It’s that thing you forgot you knew. But don’t worry. Don’t ever worry. The amnesia is only temporary. Meanwhile how about a game of pool? I’ll put on some records. I’ve got’em on mp3 now. And no talking. We’ll just shoot billiards and listen to the waves on Walden Pool.

“News of the Universe” Reports a Stunning Discovery in a Galaxy Far, Far Away

News of the Universe is a weekly digest of newsworthy events materializing in the entirety of our Cosmos. It is published by the Powers that Be – a subsidiary of the Almighty. News of the Universe has been covering everything in God’s creation since before the Big Bang. Yes, they’ve been reporting ever since that lesser publicized, but very enabling Little Bang got the whole singularity expanding in the year 3000 BBB (Before the Big Bang).

 

As one might expect, News of the Universe (NOTU) is a star-studded publication with a stellar reputation and an astronomical reach to its far flung, extra-terrestrial audience. It’s available everywhere except on Rigel-7, where Wi-Fi is spotty owing to disruptions in the space-time continuum courtesy of renegade Black Holes that simply refuse to play by the settled laws of physics. News of the Universe is a decorated periodical that has won a Parsec Pulitzer Prize for blowing the lid off unseen, hypothetical matter and exposing the truth about this invisible material in their spotlight series Dark Matter Matters.

 

The following article is the second most popular article from this week’s publication with over 38 X 1065 hits. In case you were wondering, the most popular and ogled section was the Alien Illustrated Swimsuit issue. 

 

From News of the Universe May 4th 2023:

 

 

Miracle in the Milky Way

 

~ Billions of Humans Found Alive on Planet Earth! ~

The planet earth, previously believed to be incinerated in the Milky Way’s supernova of 1054, has been found intact and teeming with 8 billion so-called humans, living unsupervised in something they call a “society.” The cosmic hierarchy was stunned to find these orphaned children of God mostly healthy and seemingly insensible to their predicament. The rediscovery was made quite by accident when heavenly accountant Coopers & Lybrand’s was performing their annual inventory of the 2 trillion galaxies for the Almighty. Read the rest of this entry »

Stonehenge Unhinged

I love my little ancient clock.

Stonehenge, the most overbuilt monument to ancient calendaring ever created, would’ve been one of the Seven Wonders of the World if its boosters had only been a bit more spirited. Instead, their efforts flagged and the richly deserving, colossal chronometer landed at #8. It was squeezed out of the coveted 7 spot by the underwhelming and easily curated Hanging Gardens of Babylon. It hardly seems fair.

 

In 800 BC, Mesopotamia wasn’t so much a nanny state as it was a nursery state. This trifling Wonder of forced landscaping was really nothing more than Babylonian King Nebuchadnezzar II ordering his duty-bound subjects to dangle floral greenery from public buildings like so much Banksy graffiti. Then they all genuflected in dutiful awe at the Royal Gardener’s 40,000 drooping spider plants. “Our King has the greenest thumb in all of the Fertile Crescent.” they crowed in mandatory praise. Big Deal I say. Growing thousands of house plants on patios in warm weather is no Wonder.

 

Compare this leisurely horticultural jamboree to the triumphant feat of the underfed and overburdened Druids. They built a massive sun-earth clock by heroically hefting 25-tonne stones in a precise geometric configuration that is still accurate today. Yet as great as Stonehenge’s celestial clock is (and don’t tell the Druids this), I hear it’s about 10 minutes fast. But still, they accomplished this zodiacal timekeeping in 2500 BC, using only rudimentary tools and without any Claritin to be had in all of the shires. They withstood such hardships with stoic grace and drippy noses. And in the end, nobody wanted to vote for the achievement of a bunch of snot-nosed hooded pagans. Instead, the 1878 Seven Wonders Committee chose Middle Eastern couscous over Middle England’s mucous.

 

Stonehenge’s exclusion seemed preordained owing to the clout of the 19th century Nursery Lobby (you can’t make this stuff up – although I am). Stonehenge’s supporters were few and feeble – just some Quarrymen from Liverpool who threw their inconsiderable weight behind Stonehenge. Plus, their marketing pitch was less than stellar: Visit Stonehenge: The Gloomiest Place on Earth.  Because of marketing blunders like these on the part of Stonehenge’s boosters, it’s no wonder it’s no Wonder. Read the rest of this entry »

Jokenetic Testing Proves It – I’m the Funny Father

Everyone thought this batch of newly birthed jokes were unrelated – orphaned one-offs tossed out into the jokesphere by any number of anonymous quipsters. However, through forensic jokenetic testing, 23 and Me proved beyond a cackle of doubt that all these jolly jests had a common ancestor – me. Each quip had my unique comedic markers: too clever for their own good, amusing without being actually funny and mildly offensive without being redeeming.

 

I was initially chagrined by the charges brought in the Joketernity suit. And I vowed with insincere legalistic platitudes to “Vigorously defend my innocence and show that blah, blah, blah…” But now, having read the outstanding material contained in the suit, all I can say is…guilty as charged. I accept 23 and Me’s ironclad verdict. And since I am a responsible comedy writer, I’ll raise them as my own and pay joke support for each and every gag my fertile mind conceived. I don’t want these orphaned witticisms growing-up out on the streets, hustling for cheap laughs or getting enticed into a van by an evil jokenapper and being taken to a secondary location for hours of meaningless canned laughter.

 

As part of a joke-bargaining agreement I reached with the Court Jester, the court sentenced me to the opposite of a Gag Order. I was issued a Publicize Order, so my offspring jokes would see the light of day and be broadcast to as many people as possible. I’ve consented to take my offspring out on visitation days and expose them to a polite and chuckling society. In keeping with the spirit of this sentence I herewith, forthwith, and with withering wherewithal present my witticisms to the world.

 

Like a vegetarian mathematician, may these jokes be fruitful and multiply:

 

These are All My Children

 

The Lambshank Redemption

 

Lambshank Prison: Prison dieticians who fed prisoners shredded coconut found their recidivism rate no different from prisoners who were fed slivered almonds; thus concluding, “They’re both kinda nuts.” Read the rest of this entry »

Should I Get Onboard with Amtrak?

Some say being a lover of trains is a choice. Others say it’s an interest you’re just born with. This argument is often applied to other deeply-seated orientations. The point is, I can no longer deny my interest in trains and I choose to express it publicly, despite the risk of becoming a social outcast. I believe my passion for trains is healthy and hip, but the trainophobic think I’m off the rails here. They worry I’ve become trainsgendered. For too long I’ve been a closeted train admirer – practicing my secret passion with other nerdy train enthusiasts in dark basements on small scale equipment while sipping on juice boxes. No longer am I willing to operate on the fringes of society while living this double life. Therefore, I hereby publicly declare my love of trains. I’m finally “coming out of the caboose.”

 

We all have hobbies we’re drawn to for reasons known only to our original manufacturer. For me, that magnetic force has been trains. Why I have such an affinity for these steely behemoths that lumber through the night, is a question for Dr. Lionel, my train whisperer (and my psychologist). Dr. Lionel and I have held many earnest and penetrating discussions on trains. We’ve covered everything from the dichotomy of sitting backward while moving forward, to the carnal symbology of trains entering tunnels. I cherish Dr. Lionel’s sage advice as he guides me through the mixed signals and missed switches of railroading. As you may have surmised, trains are a very moving topic for me. Still, I find it hard to believe, that in all the time Dr. Lionel and I have spent together, he’s never once failed to bill me for each session.  

 

I can’t account for my unbidden fascination with trains. All I know is that train has left the station and I’m forever enchanted. In fact, at this juncture railroading is so appealing to me, that even at the advanced age of 62, as I begin collecting Social Security, I nonetheless seek employment with Amtrak as a conductor. More on this later.

 

So, let’s go for a ride and hope I stay on the rails in describing the depth of my railroading passion and the height of my Amtrak adoration. In any event, near the end of this story I solicit your opinion in helping me formulate a mighty decision. Much like Dr. Lionel does, may you offer me sage advice; in addition to maybe some parsley, rosemary and thyme.   

 

 

New Train Smell – A Whiff of Heaven or a Hint of Hell

 

“You haven’t lived until you’ve inhaled the magical must of ‘new train smell’,” declare railroad enthusiasts infected by the train bug. “Once bitten, you’re forever smitten,” say these inveterate train buffs. However, some wonder if there is, or ever has been, “new train smell.” It’s hard to tell these days because Amtrak hasn’t put new trains into service in so long, there is no one left alive who remembers what new trains smell like.

 

Complicating this is that not everyone has the “new train smell” gene, enabling them to sense this alluring aroma. It’s kinda like the “asparagus” gene that way. Sadly, these scent-deficient souls will never know the pleasure of this intoxicating sinus sensation – and no amount of training can change that.

A train by any other name…

…would smell as sweet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Neolithic carvings from the Olduvai Gorge indicate that the last person in the conga line was known as the kaybus, which eventually morphed into our present-day caboose. This theory of the “new train smell” gene mutating in the conga lines of God-fearing hominids has become known as Critical Nose Theory and has become a flash point for present-day cultural warriors.

 

Neolithic carvings from the Olduvai Gorge indicate that the last person on the conga line was known as the kaybus, which eventually morphed into our present-day caboose. This concept of the “new train smell” gene mutating in the conga lines of God-fearing hominids has become known as Critical Nose Theory.

 

 

What is New Train Smell?

 

Nosey railroaders describe the heady bouquet of “new train smell” as, “an intoxicating swirl of stamp-pressed steel, outgassed Naugahyde and delicate notes of diesel vapors culminating in a transportive smellucinogenic aroma.” Admittedly, it’s a developed appreciation. This salmagundi of smells, this obstinacy of odors, all come together in a crescendo of bracing olfactory satisfaction. It summons a vestigial calling within me that says, “All aboard Amtrak!” Then again, maybe that’s just my inner-hominid speaking.

 

 

Train Besotted and Loving It

 

I’m hesitant to admit all this because you might think I’m a little loco, but in my narrow-gauge railroad mind, there’s nothing as nostalgically charming or kinetically gratifying as train travel. My loco-motive for telling you all this, is to share the shiver of infantile delight that shoots through my body while chugging along the tracks in the protective womb of my train car (as long as I’m not in India). When I’m warmly embraced in compartmentalized comfort I feel like a little baby traveler, all swaddled snuggly in Amtrak’s ever-lovin’ rails. Alright, so maybe I am a little loco. Read the rest of this entry »

Cannibals: Harmless Humanivores or Evil Eaters?

Cannibal Quarterly (CQ), a taboo publication found on the Dark Web, is geared towards normalizing cannibalism. Its target market is primarily people concerned about overpopulation and those who view cremation as an unnecessary expense. CQ is a very esoteric and a very expensive publication. Although subscribers complain CQ costs an arm and a leg, most are very willing (almost enthusiastic) to pay it. Those who can’t afford an arm and a leg, instead pay through the nose, and they seem happy to cough it up.

 

In a poll of CQ readers asking what was their favorite TV show, 99.9% voted for the ghoulish Twilight Zone episode where the technologically advanced outer space aliens present humanity with a book purportedly designed to improve and advance their society. The title of this helpful book, written in an alien language, is roughly translated as “To Serve Man.” As the friendly aliens insinuate themselves into Earth’s society, everything is progressing wonderfully – until the macabre discovery is made that “To Serve Man” is in fact a cookbook. By then it’s too late and humanity has been reduced to livestock. Egad, ghoulish beyond measure.

As to the other 0.1%, they voted for that Hogan’s Heroes episode where Col. Klink is outwitted by Hogan and his band of brothers (wait, wasn’t that pretty much every episode?).  

 

Although cannibalism has been gaining favor in some quarters, the LGBTQ community has turned down a request by the FYC (Fine Young Cannibals) to graft a “C” onto the LGBTQ acronym. When pressed for comment on the request, an LGBTQ spokesthem said, “Hard pass. We’re currently working our own acceptance issues and while we identify with the plight of minority groups, this one’s a bridge too far.”  

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In the latest issue of CQ, it’s editor and cannibal-influencer Dred Taint writes in the introduction:

Cannibalism is something that’s always been eating at me. I never knew quite what that was until I realized…it was my wife. Gloria had been eating at me, behind my back – where I couldn’t see. By the time she told me to ‘get over it and turn the other cheek’ (because she hadn’t finished yet), I knew something was wrong.

People ask me all the time, “Why do you stay with her?” and all I can do is throw my hands up in the air and say, “Eats me.” My wife…she’s a real maneater.

And while we at CQ recognize this long-proscribed topic is anathema to most sane people, it hasn’t prevented dispensaries from formulating specialized strains of cannabis. Cannibal cannabis is a boutique gummi designed to give users the munchies for humans. It creates an atmosphere where “consensual cannibalism” can be practiced by consenting and lunatic adults in a safe and insane asylum – Eat your hearts out normies.

This issue of CQ features an article on the lens through which fellow-cannibals view the world. It’s a fun and nourishing piece called How a Cannibal Sees Celebrities. Enjoy and bon Appetit.

~The Editor

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How a Cannibal Sees Celebrities by Dredge Rivers

While the human race is a target-rich environment for us cannibals, celebrities are doubly prized for their tender feelings and tender thighs. Human carnivores have long run in my family. In fact, they run as fast as they can to get away from each other. That’s just the way that it was, growing up in a clan of cannibals (aka clannibals). I had 5 brothers and 3 sisters, but by the time I was 10 I was down to 3 brothers and one sister. We were a close clan. We ate together every night. Some at the table, some on the table.

The following is a list of cannibalized celebrity names as seen through the eyes of flesh-eaters. See if you can reverse engineer the cannibal name to determine their real name:

The Talk Show Hosts

  1. James Corden Bleu… One classy Brit
  2. Jimmy Kibble.… He’s gone to the dogs
  3. Jimmy Phallus…. Guy is such a dick
  4. Seth Meyer Lemon…. Tart humor
  5. Stephen Cold Beer…. Gotta wash it all down with something

Celebrities

  1. Edith Pilaf…. She’s quite the dish. A French side dish.
  2. Adelecatessan…. A tasteful English singer. A very tasty singer.
  3. Parmesean Connery…. I have a special Bond with this celebrity
  4. Drew MoreBerries…. Quoth the Raven, “Barrymore”
  5. Robert Donner Jr…. The Ironman and his party get stranded in the mountains
  6. Tom Cuisine…. He’s a Maverick
  7. BBQ Pitt…. Shoulda stayed with Angelina Jelly
  8. Robert Redfish…. When he’s deeply tanned, they call him blackened Redfish.
  9. Frank Sinbeans…. The Chairman of the Board likes simple fare
  10. Lin-Manuel Melba – He’s the “Toast” of Broadway

 

 

Epilogue: This entire story is just food for thought – so to speak. Don’t think about it too hard. It’s just a little something to chew on.

Full disclosure: I pieced this story together by cannibalizing other stories.