Posts Tagged ‘names’

1. 

   130 is the new 75. Former Fine Arts professor Agatha Cranston studied Cezanne – in person.

   Nana with the See-thru Hands – She’s the best, but at this point she’s like looking at an X-ray

2. Insta-Gram – It’s what I called my new grandma when I was first adopted into the family
3. My Inheritance – I love her and everything but c’mon, daddy needs a new Honda
4. Crystal Methuselah – She’s very old and she used to have a little drug problem
5. Prunella – Oh my sweet and shriveled Nana. Why must you age?
6. Grammykins – My cuddly name for her. Especially if the Grammys are on that night.
7. Glam-Ma – She’s still very good-looking. Some friends even tell me she’s a GMILF. Whatever that is.
8. Milky-Eyed Matriarch – I mean whoa…”Got Grandma?”
9. Smells like Geriatric Spirit – Just applying the Nirvana classic to Granny’s unique aroma
10. Runs with Depends – What I call my active Navajo Indian grandmother who likes to jog
11. GrAnnie Oakley – She’s a big 2^nd amendment supporter. It’s like “Granny get your gun.”
12. Still Life with a Heartbeat – She’s a former Fine Arts professor who once studied Cezanne – in person!
13. Gramnesia – She sometimes forgets who I am.
14. Grandmummy – It’s what I call my Egyptian grandma
15. Make Nonni Great Again – She’s losing it and she loves Trump.
16. Nonni Nonni Luftballoons – My German grandma’s whose last name is actually Luftballoon
17. Gram Cracker – Grandma is from the deep South and she holds certain antiquated prejudices
18. Ba-Nana – Her first name Barbara, and she’s a grandma…you do the math.
19. Grandpa – You know how Grandmas tend to grow those chin hairs with age?
20. Kombucha Babushka – My Russian Grandma who drinks healthy beverages
21. ♫Hold Your Head Up, Woman♫ – What can I say? The dear woman’s head lolls to one side.
22. Catena with the Flaring Nostrils – I wish it were different, but she ain’t exactly ♫Nancy with the Laughing Face♫
23. Baba Ganoush – Well, her last name is actually Ganoush, and she likes the eggplant spread too.
24. Drama Grama – She used to teach acting classes so I thought the name fitting
25. My Favorite Neanderthal – She’s really old. Anthropologically old. She still calls the continents Pangea; and Jesus as, “That nice boy from Nazareth.”
26. That musty old woman who once stuck her tongue down my throat – Thank God she was only a Step-Grandmother and not blood.
27. Candy Dish of Interconnected Sweets – So what if she kept an old, dusty dish of hard candy around that, over the years, metastasized into one benign aggregate mass of candy. When she grew up, the woman had no candy.
28. Blue Hair with Feathers – My Cherokee Indian grandmother after the beauty parlor

As the housing market continues to fragment into ever-narrower segments, the housing industry has responded with creative communities designed to address underserved markets. The following is a sample of these new communities reflecting the unique lifestyle of their target market:

1. Habitat for Profanity – A sweat-equity community built for poor people who like to swear.
2. Heaven – As you might expect, it’s a gated community. Background checks are mandatory and only those without sin are allowed to enter (entry also helped by knowing Felicity Huffman).
3. Almost Heaven – West Virginia community popular with John Denver fans
4. Uncommon Commons – An exceptionally ordinary development noted for its outrageous normality. If you’re especially mundane, have we got a home for you.
5. Birch Crossing – Although built in a serenely sylvan setting, be advised that crossing that birch too often could get you birch-slapped
6. The Necropolis at Forest Lawn – Available only to people 6 feet and under. This is a below-ground community for the permanently retired. Tagline: “Sorry I can’t come to the door right now. I’m buried.
7. Bayou Perish – Louisiana version of The Necropolis. Due to the Mississippi flooding, it’s an above-ground community for the permanently retired. Available only to people 6 feet and over. Tagline: “Y’all do realize we’re still part of the United States?”
8. Crestfallen Heights – As the contradictory name evidences, it’s very popular with the bipolar crowd
9. Infarction Junction – A heartfelt community were homeowners are called patients and, just like their vascular system, are encouraged to circulate freely. Be forewarned, speeding hearts racing down the Main Artery are not tolerated and are placed under cardiac arrest. Most homes are 4-chambered. You get the picture. Brochure promises “2 EMTs on every corner and a defibrillator in every garage.”
10. My Happy Place – Finally you can go to your happy place. If you lived here you’d be smiling already. A giddy development where all meals are happy meals and all insulation is pink cotton candy. Many homes are made of gingerbread.
11. The Barracks at Andersonville – Taking its cues from the Civil War prison, this lavish reimagining of a dismal POW camp is weirdly popular with guys who still watch Hogan’s Heroes…and the women who love them.
12. Honey Bucket Meadows – An upscale mobile home park (if such a thing is even possible) with an occasional blue splash of elegance
13. Iodine Estates at 3 Mile Island – The only development where both the homeowner and the home have a half-life. No need for a microwave. Just take your food out of the refrigerator and it will spontaneously warm. A healthy thyroid gland is a must.
14. Chair Noble – Not a housing development. I just wanted you to say “Chernobyl” without realizing it.
15. Fallen Manors – A rude development recently zoned for spitting, jaywalking and graffiti.
16. Isn’t it funny how we don’t really understand what we’re doing here and yet we carry on like we do? This is not a housing development, it’s just me making a mid-list observation as a humble acknowledgement of something much greater than our little ego selves. The doors of perception are open for business, now if we could just find the key. We now return to our analgesic entertainment already in progress…
17. English Spellings at Ye Olde Apothecary’s Shoppe – Experience thatched roofs, warm beer and bubonic plague – and that’s just on Drury Lane! Move here and you’ll learn to set your watch just by glancing at Stonehenge.
18. Bunny Hutch Corners – For the hare-raising experience of a lifetime
19. The Sands at Iwo Jima – For the flag-raising experience of a lifetime
20. Yeast of Eden – For the bread-raising experience of a lifetime
21. Lazarus Estates – For the dead-raising experience of a lifetime
22. Sugar Plantation at Chattel Village – For the cane-raising experience of a lifetime
23. Adam & Eve’s Garden of Earthly Delights – For the Cain-raising experience of a lifetime
24. Noah’s Park – For the rain-rising experience of a lifetime
25. Echo Chambers at Walla Walla – Double your pleasure in Walla Walla. The town so great they named it twice. Partial list of homeowners: Yo Yo Ma, Honey Boo Boo, Richie Rich, JJ Abrams and Chi Chi Rodriguez
26. Fresh Dressings at Wounded Knee – Not really a housing development, but I worked on this one too long to just delete it. Ummm, buy now and receive a free walker with the purchase of any teepee
27. The Cribs at Interscope Ranch – Hip hop living was never so bulletproof. Free rap or scratch classes at the Dr. Dre Community Center.
28. The Crabs at Mustang Ranch – Available in soft shell or STDs
29. The Heights at Acrophobia – Each home features a 30-story atrium with loft bedrooms accessed by ladders. Only the Navajo or steeplejacks need apply.
30. The Heights of Impropriety – OMG, voyeurs and exhibitionists living side by side. I mean it’s see and be seen in this fetishistic paradise. Weirdest VFR you’ll ever experience. Please note, during ground fog it’s IFR.
31. Fresh Kills – An actual city and landfill in NY. I’m not making this up: Fresh Kills, Worst Name Ever

 

 

 

1. TGITAs – Thank God It’s Tuesday Afternoon. Lots of Moody Blues.
2. A Confederacy of Donuts – The dough and the South shall rise again in this ill-conceived paean to plantation life. Rebels can dunk their donuts or misbehaving unpaid laborers into coffee. On Tuesdays overseers and serfs eat free. Ask about our Cotton Pickin’ Specials.
3. Gristle’s – Home of the 72 oz. Bovine Pulmonary Vein
4. The International House of Hoecakes – Our Hoecakes are blown out of proportion
5. Heimlich’s – A German tapas house, featuring small chokable portions
6. Hammertoe’s – Specializing in Pig’s Feet
7. A seafood restaurant called The Poop Deck – It’s not what you think. It’s worse.
8. Pig’s Feet – Specializing in Hammertoes
9. Grunty’s – If you love flushing, you’ll love Grunty’s
10. Abbatoir’s – Select your dinner from our livestock pen. Just point and click. All slaughtering done on site.
11. The Crossdressing Dairy Queen – Think twice about ordering anything made with cream.
12. Old MacDonald’s – Not affiliated with MacDonald’s. Featuring Farm to Table cuisine. 2 new locations – serving an Oink, Oink here and Moo Moo there. Old MacDonald has a restaurant. Eat, I eat, I owe.
13. PTRs – Parsnips, Turnips and Rutabagas. It’s like totally tubular.
14. The Pompous Ass – An architectural marvel. All customers enter through the rear.
15. LGBTQ? It’s Friday – Bedroom to Table dining. A celebration of diversity featuring 6 distinct bathrooms. One for each orientation.
16. Tai Foid’s Bistro – A place where Employees Must Wash Hands, but they don’t
17. Original Grunty’s – Not an actual restaurant. I just like saying Grunty.
18. Grunty’s on Fifth – Once again, not an actual restaurant, I just like saying Fifth.
19. Cordial Ice Cream – A budget version of Friendly Ice Cream. If they become more profitable they promise to plow the money back into cheeriness. But for now they can only manage cordiality.

In a top to bottom reorganization of the Executive Branch, the Trump Administration began to repurpose cabinet level departments and certain governmental agencies to better reflect their new role in the Oranging of America. The following is a list of rebranded names that more accurately express the new breeze blowing through their corridors:

 

1. After months of DNA testing, The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier has been demystified and is now called The Tomb of Corporal Larry Weaver

 

2. Department of Labor has been outsourced to India

 

3. The Department of Defense will get back its old swagger and revert to its original name: The Department of War. Spokagandist Sean Spicer remarked, “It’s what the founders would’ve wanted.”

 

4. Department of Health and Human Services is now just an Urgent Care near Baltimore

 

5. The Bureau of Weights and Measures will now be recalibrated and known as The Bureau of Alternative Weights and Approximate Measures

 

6. The Department of Education has morphed into The Ministry of Propaganda Read the rest of this entry »